I'm trying to drown myself
In music
Because any other way
Is frowned upon

Not to mention
All the promises I've made
So for now
The volume is up

I pretend to not be able to hear you
Through my headphones
When in reality
Your words are killing me

Your words hurt me
More than the blasting
Of the bass drum
With the volume on fifteen

I keep turning it up
Volume on seventeen now
I still hear your screams
You really hate me

Up and up
Volume twenty
Maximum volume
The joke is one you

You seem to be forgetting
That I love music
And hate myself
Far more than you ever could

I'm trying my hardest
Can't you see
I'm not doing my best
Just trying the things you tell me

You're living vicariously
Through me and
I don't think that's fair
Please look past my hand

You see my wrist
Even when I try to keep it hidden
What a shame you say nothing
I feel like my happiness is forbidden

I remember what I promised
To you and them
But promises get broken
Sorry I'm not your perfect gem

It's happening again
The closeness
The thoughts
The secrets
All being spilled
One by one
Until soon enough
You know everything
There is to know
About everything
About me

I promised myself
The next one will be different
But you're not
You're just like them
I let you in
You let me down

Kind of funny
How that works out
Like opening my door
During a flood
Welcoming the water
And drowning
From the current

I need you
To be different
And not to leave me
Because if you do
I won't be able
To live with myself
I'll regret every word
I ever uttered
Every inch
I opened those doors
During the flood

The sweat on the back of my neck
Told me something was wrong
I felt as though I was in a haze
In a bubble
In a cloud
In fog

I was slow today
You pretended
To not notice
I know you did
You always do

I don't respond well
To your tough love
Don't teach with screams
I can't handle that

I seemed sad today
Yes
Don't take it personally
I hate myself
Not you

The buildings high
The night sky as dark
As the depths of my soul
The city lights
Drowning out any
And all stars
That dared tried to peek
At us mere humans

It was nice
For a little while
But then
I realized
I want to travel
So I can see the world
I know there is more
Than just my little town
My state
Even my country
Is too small for me

Take away my stars
And you take away
Everything I love

I don't know
Where to go
What to do
How to do it
Why I'm here

I'm a lost girl
On a search
For Patricia Pan
Maybe
Just maybe
She can give me a compass
That will point
To where I should be

I can't be
On my own
Like I always am
You said you'd be here
When I needed you most

I understand now
You need to take better care
Of yourself
I can't rely on you;
My unsteady wall
Made of loose rocks
Instead of bricks
With concrete to keep them in place

If I try to lean on you
I know you will fall
I try to be gentle
But you need to be able
To support yourself
And I need to be able
To respect that

It's just so hard
When I try
To have a simple conversation
With you
And get shut down
Or left hanging
Every
Single
Time

I can't admit
That I'm not okay
It's not fair of me
To expect you
To notice
Whenever I need something
Like a shoulder
Or a hug
Or even just an ear to listen

I need you
And I need you
To realize that

I am addicted to you
Every ounce of what I can find
In the depths of your soul
I hear you calling me
Keeping me up all hours of the night

The idea of being able to awake
With you by my side
Is enough to drive me mad
For hours, no, days on end

It’s a rare ten minutes
Where you don’t cross my mind
The sad part is
I can’t distance myself
From you

My subconscious
Is addicted as well
You have appeared
In countless dreams
The hero in my nightmares
I blink and see you

My body craves your heat
The curve of your spine
I long to memorize
Every outline
Of muscle and spot
Every blemish on your skin

If you dare ask
If I’m addicted to you
I will nod quietly
And beg you
Not to stage
An intervention