Trust me when I say
That I know
How bad I really am
At everything

My poems
Aren't deep enough
There aren't enough metaphors
Or complex wording

While doing math
I use my calculator
And still manage
To plug in the wrong digits

I tried to balance equations
Several times in chemistry
And while feeling too confident
I missed a number

In history class
I can't seem to remember
That I gained my right as a woman
To vote in 1920 (I think.)

While working with photography
My professor indirectly told me
That I'm really good
At taking bad pictures

I'm really trying this year
To stay on top of my work
And do my best
But obviously that's not enough

I'm trying my hardest
Can't you see
I'm not doing my best
Just trying the things you tell me

You're living vicariously
Through me and
I don't think that's fair
Please look past my hand

You see my wrist
Even when I try to keep it hidden
What a shame you say nothing
I feel like my happiness is forbidden

I remember what I promised
To you and them
But promises get broken
Sorry I'm not your perfect gem

Would anyone care
If I disappeared
Nobody seems to understand
That I hate it here

High school is definitely not
All that great
The best four years of my life
More like the four easiest to hate

The girl with the bracelets on her wrist
Doesn't eat lunch
She'll throw up breakfast when she gets home
Because she sees herself as "not much"

The boy who covers his face with hair
May never go to college
All of this goes on
Without his parents' knowledge

The quiet kid in the back of the class
Won't eat tonight
They won't do anything
Except escape to paradise

Isn't it funny
How when you're sick
You have two options:
Get better
Or die

When you're with someone
You can break up
Get married
Or die
(Before either of the other two can happen)

Isn't it funny
How death
Always
Seems to be an option
Somewhere in the list

It's happening again
The closeness
The thoughts
The secrets
All being spilled
One by one
Until soon enough
You know everything
There is to know
About everything
About me

I promised myself
The next one will be different
But you're not
You're just like them
I let you in
You let me down

Kind of funny
How that works out
Like opening my door
During a flood
Welcoming the water
And drowning
From the current

I need you
To be different
And not to leave me
Because if you do
I won't be able
To live with myself
I'll regret every word
I ever uttered
Every inch
I opened those doors
During the flood

For Elijah
Who saw me as just another teenage girl
Whom he thought he could fix
After he unknowingly broke me

For Luke
Who was always too sweet to me
And didn't tell me until a year and a half later
That he only saw me as a sister

For Eric 1
Who shared his music with me
And started dating M
Before I could tell him

For Rusty
Who stabbed me in the back
With help from F
When neither of them were aware that they were holding knives

For Eric 2
Who reminded me of Rusty
And maybe that's the only reason
But who respected me without hesitation

For Cam
Who has a reputation of being nice
Who is problematic at times
And can't seem to leave my head

He smiled
And told me
Good morning

I smiled back
And wished him
The same

Another woman
Walking back to her car
Smiled
And told me
Good morning

I smiled back
And wished her
The same

This happened
A couple more times
Before I was allowed
To go indoors

A smile
A friendly
Good morning

It made me wonder
How many times
Per day
Do we do the right thing
Simply because
It's the right thing to do

How many times
Per day
Do we do the right thing
Simply because
We want to

How many times
Per day
Do we pass up and opportunity to do the right thing
Simply because
We just don't feel like it

When the strangers smiled
And told me
Good morning
It felt normal
Yet forced

We have been trained
To tell people
We don't know
Good morning
Simply because
We're being friendly

But I don't understand
The reasoning behind
Smiling at strangers
And telling them
*Good morning

I talked to him
About how today was hard
And I was tired
And felt ill

I didn't give him many details
Because he didn't quite deserve to know

Yesterday was harder
That was the initial crash
Today was the crumble
The final downfall

The worst part
Is that nothing
At all
Directly affected me

It was hall her
And her dad
And how she
No longer has one

If you share your problems with me
I will immediately turn them into my problems
And feel almost as bad about them
As you do

It's not intentional
It just kind of happens
Like a rainbow
Or a hurricane

I've been told
That the feeling
Is called empathy
And I'm empathetic

When I told him
I'm empathetic
He misunderstood me
You're not pathetic

Though I appreciate the sentiment
Taken from mistaken words
I honestly believe
That both statements are true

You'll forget me
I promised you
I could never*
You promised in return

I was hoping to see you
Next summer
When I'll see the rest of them
But no

You won't be there next summer
You'll be away
Doing research
Or something

That gives you
Another whole year
To forget
All about me

I know what you promised me
But I wonder if you know
Because I know that most people
Do exactly what you promised not to

It'll be easy for you
To forget me
Just stop thinking about me
No big deal

If only
It were that easy
For me
To forget you

I see you
With your adorable smile
Even through the braces

Your flippy hair
Like the sand of a beach
On a beautiful day

Your skin
Isn't perfect
And that's alright

I don't know your name
But I do know
That I find you cute

It's a shame I've never seen your eyes
Because I'm too scared to look into them
And see you looking at mine

You're my umbrella
Constantly protecting me
From rain and wind
And other things of the sort

I know for a fact
That I always appreciate you
Whether or not
I always tell you

Last week I noticed
That while I was struggling to stay dry
You were struggling
To stay together

I hadn't realized
That while keeping me safe
You were in constant pain
And close to being torn apart

I am addicted to you
Every ounce of what I can find
In the depths of your soul
I hear you calling me
Keeping me up all hours of the night

The idea of being able to awake
With you by my side
Is enough to drive me mad
For hours, no, days on end

It’s a rare ten minutes
Where you don’t cross my mind
The sad part is
I can’t distance myself
From you

My subconscious
Is addicted as well
You have appeared
In countless dreams
The hero in my nightmares
I blink and see you

My body craves your heat
The curve of your spine
I long to memorize
Every outline
Of muscle and spot
Every blemish on your skin

If you dare ask
If I’m addicted to you
I will nod quietly
And beg you
Not to stage
An intervention

I
Would
Appreciate
It
If
You
Could
Not
Make
Comments
Like
That
Be­cause
They're
Still
Very
Hurtful

Don't
Think
That
I
Don't
See
My­
Flaws

Everything
Bad
You
Tell
Me
About
Myself
I
Promise
I
Saw
I­t
Ten
Times
Worse
Than
You
Do
Before
You
Mentioned
It

Now
I
See
­It
Twenty
Times
Worse

The sweat on the back of my neck
Told me something was wrong
I felt as though I was in a haze
In a bubble
In a cloud
In fog

I was slow today
You pretended
To not notice
I know you did
You always do

I don't respond well
To your tough love
Don't teach with screams
I can't handle that

I seemed sad today
Yes
Don't take it personally
I hate myself
Not you

I don't know
Where to go
What to do
How to do it
Why I'm here

I'm a lost girl
On a search
For Patricia Pan
Maybe
Just maybe
She can give me a compass
That will point
To where I should be

I can't be
On my own
Like I always am
You said you'd be here
When I needed you most

I understand now
You need to take better care
Of yourself
I can't rely on you;
My unsteady wall
Made of loose rocks
Instead of bricks
With concrete to keep them in place

If I try to lean on you
I know you will fall
I try to be gentle
But you need to be able
To support yourself
And I need to be able
To respect that

It's just so hard
When I try
To have a simple conversation
With you
And get shut down
Or left hanging
Every
Single
Time

I can't admit
That I'm not okay
It's not fair of me
To expect you
To notice
Whenever I need something
Like a shoulder
Or a hug
Or even just an ear to listen

I need you
And I need you
To realize that

I'm trying to drown myself
In music
Because any other way
Is frowned upon

Not to mention
All the promises I've made
So for now
The volume is up

I pretend to not be able to hear you
Through my headphones
When in reality
Your words are killing me

Your words hurt me
More than the blasting
Of the bass drum
With the volume on fifteen

I keep turning it up
Volume on seventeen now
I still hear your screams
You really hate me

Up and up
Volume twenty
Maximum volume
The joke is one you

You seem to be forgetting
That I love music
And hate myself
Far more than you ever could

Last night
I drowned my cheeks
In the tears
Of my eyes

Looking back
I treated you
Like no human
Deserves to be treated
I'm sorry

You get upset with me
When I try to apologize
But that's all I know how to say
Because you deserve
At least one "I'm sorry"

We talked every day
For a while
Now
Oh, now
It's hardly two messages
Per week

I'm trying my hardest
To be okay with this
To be okay with not seeing
Those messages again

There were about 350
Over the course of a little less
Than a year
Most of them are gone
Lost
Forever

I thought I would be letting go
Of the part of my past
That revolved around you
But rereading the messages
Probably made things
A whole lot worse

You're a great person
I'm sorry I couldn't have acted
More like you needed me to
I was weak
You needed to be strong
For me

I didn't treat you fairly
I relied too much on you
And didn't offer my help
Often enough
I'm sorry

On Thursday
I found out what you said
On Tuesday
I'm going to **** myself

I tried to tell you
No
It's not worth it
We both know it

You said you'd stay
For now

I can't bear the thought
Of losing you
Forever

You're one of the few good things
That I have left in my life
I know it's cheesy
But please stay

You don't know how much
I need you
Or how much
My life would crumble without you

We both admit
At first
We hated each other
But look at us now

We're so close
Rumors started going around
That we were dating
So we made it look even more so

I tell you things
I wouldn't tell another soul
Or another person without a soul
Not even him

We've gotten in one
Maybe two
Fights
In the two years we haven't hated each other

That's impressive
For people like us
But being like us
Brought us closer together

You're better than anyone else I know
And I know a lot of people
You're one of my favorite people
In the entire world

I can't see my future without you in it
Without wanting to cry
Or scream
Or wish you were there

So for now
At least for tonight
Please
Stay.

These feelings
Belong to the night
Not this early
Hardly noon

I don't even know
What these feelings are
Betrayal
Hurt
Sorrow
Self-pity
Self-hatred
No
This is not about me
I always do this
Make every stupid little thing
About me

That's my problem
I can't be happy for them
Because I introduced them
And if it weren't for me
None of this would have happened
Everyone would be fine

It's been going on
For so long
Behind my stupid
Oblivious
Conceited
Worthless
Back

I promised
To not get mad
I promised
To still love you

I do still love you
But I can't look at him
The same way
Ever again

"I'm doing well,"
I say
With my pearly whites
Sparkling in my face

I try to save
Everyone
From knowing
My pitiful truth

That I'm struggling
A lot
I really am fine
During the day

Nighttime comes along
As well as
The negative thoughts
And the horrible attitude

I've made promises
Which I intend on keeping
But it's been so long
Since they were made

Sometimes I wonder
If anyone would notice
If one day
I disappeared

The buildings high
The night sky as dark
As the depths of my soul
The city lights
Drowning out any
And all stars
That dared tried to peek
At us mere humans

It was nice
For a little while
But then
I realized
I want to travel
So I can see the world
I know there is more
Than just my little town
My state
Even my country
Is too small for me

Take away my stars
And you take away
Everything I love