You know what kind of guy I want?
Preferably a guy in high school
A guy who's only hobbies don't include
drinking and smoking and getting high
who hasn't fallen into that trap
and I mean really, that's so f!cking mainstream
but those are more prerequisites I guess
The REAL type of guy I want
is a guy who breaks down my walls
because honestly
I have never let a guy in
and told him my secrets
and I never will, immediately
but a guy who keeps pushing
kindly and politely,
but manages to break down my walls.
entirely.
enough for me to show him my darker side.
because not everyone realizes I have one
but for a boy
to actually succeed in breaking down
the walls I always put up.

too bad that will never happen.
after all, why would they care enough
to even try.

Winter frost whispers
Ice tracing the window pane
Shimmering silence

i cannot believe you’re this fickle and pissy to me after everything. who was the only one there for you after madison decided you weren’t worth her time? who made sure you ate when you wouldn’t even come to school? who watched out for you and answered for you when people asked you what’s wrong, why you were carrying that book around everywhere? who listened to you rant about how eero doesn’t understand loyalty and doesn’t get you at all when he spoke to madison one day in latin? who got you off and bore the brunt of your disgust at yourself because you’d cheated on emily? christ, oh emily, oh perfect, flawless, god-like emily. emily who partied and lost control and got drunk nearly every weekend and yet you still loved her. who could talk to and be with and **** with anyone she wanted and you still loved her. what that would have been like. but if i speak out about how i should have freedom? about how who i choose to be with should have no effect on you? about how i ******* want to still be friends with meredith who was ***** and who had marks all over her body and who couldn’t feel her ******* ****** when she woke up?
don’t ******* talk to me about loyalty, stuart. you’ve been my best friend and i love you and i want the best for you always and i don’t expect anything from you, i never have, but this shows that we are just fundamentally different. i’m not able to understand why i never deserved your respect and why nothing i could do would ever change the fact that i’m expendable to you. but i’m not sorry that i’m done with it.

I want to write a poem
that expresses
my insecurities
in a way
that will justify
my emotions,
but I'm lacking the words.
I want to express
the tears that fall on the page
prompted by feelings of self loathing
and betrayal
and shame,
desperate to communicate
how ugly I feel,
but the page remains blank.