You were a nightmare
in a fairy tale disguise
and my heart

heart

aches so hard
you

You were ribbons of blood     tied

so   tightly
twisted around   around my heart
I didn't mind the least, I
distorted
rains as

It fractures across my face
cracks of nostalgia

placed by lightening storms
that crackle
across
my skin

With a slight
slapping
                 sting

I hate time, the way it speeds up
                                                                      slows
down
and     jerks      

me around

It slaps me in the face
Cackling with a ferocity of time travel
rewind reverse velocity

Dragging me by a thought
        
            thread

shatter the light with
explosive
hammering in my eyelids

My atmosphere darkly  
                               clouded
by
lowly haunt clouds

My heart rumbled thunder in my chest  
my eyes swelled stormy
crashing down with foamed black water

I

I struggle to breathe with the crushing
promise broken
      ribs
that cage my lungs

Your cold
spiny fingers

clutch

my heart
as it
        beats
your fingernails needle poison
into
my veins

stopping blood flow once again

In your sick twisted play-time
my eyes witness
my veins
pulse
black

     you

you squeeze completing the crime
blood covers your hands
    
          you wash them clean
     they are stained
  blood blue      
       ribs splinter
your fingertips
       the moon will pull
the
    tide
to wash me into the sea.

The crushing waves obliterated me as
the air had settled
stale
my sea was not
black
nor smooth
as glass

but
stones of thought
sent it rippling
as you

you

you twisted the moon in your favor

the wail of
gut wrenching
thoughts

gusts

through the corridors of my mind
       tornado memories
crack my eyes

I stare at my clenched hands
slowly
turning purple from the surging pain
of
remembering

I will
whisper
your

your

name for the first time in days
run it over my teeth and tongue so
slow

I'll savor the bittersweet taste making sure not to swallow
it whole
Shocking black
into a hue of navy blue
My heart sputters
choking

on sharp splitting pain
Convulsively, impulsively

reaching out
my broken fingers for you
They meet frozen
fractured
glass

I shift my weight and I shatter

slipping

slipping through the crack of your abyss.

I sobbed last night, really cried like I haven't in awhile. Not because of a broken love or scars burned and slashed across my heart, but because of the hatred that has consumed my heart, my mind and being. I was not okay with it, I am not okay with it. You cannot heal if you hold hatred so close to a place inside of you that pumps life to your very fingertips. You cannot. It turns your heart black and shrivels your veins, it turns your hands and feet blue and lifeless. It corrodes your mind slowly and destroys your being and the light which burns within. I will not be my own destroyer, I am a healer and I am special. I have something others do not with words, anyone can burn and break with words, but me, me I can heal. That is a gift and I know this. I have helped so many beautiful people around me with the advice I have given. I have watched them heal and become happy and their lives blossom because they listened to me and believed. Every time I give a compliment to anyone their eyes shine and I now know why. They sense my sincerity and then they are left with a touch of healing because of my true sincerity in everything I say. I do not mean any of that with even the slightest narcissism at all. I am simply amazed at how I was chosen to be given such a gift and I am so blessed and grateful for this kind of gift. I am not saying I am a clean carrier with no shadows haunting my every corner. That would not be true because I do. I'm saying I need to learn to control them and live with them, instead of living them. I am not saying I will not have dark sunrises, afternoons and sunsets. I am not saying I will not have my sad days because I know I will. I am saying I am going to try to have less and have more days where I listen to my shadows wisdom but act with the lights step and hands. I will not let go of my darkness because that is a vital part of me, without it I could not have realized this. It is a war having a spilt being of shadows and lights but I was given that because that is how you realize these things. In order to be a healer I believe you have to fight gruesome battles in order to know how to help heal others. It's taught me valuable things, my battles. Such a gift comes with a price, but seeing others blossom and heal because of advice I gave or a compliment given, that is love, that is priceless. You need the dark to see the light and it is only a matter of time before you do. I'm starting to see it.

I'm tired of these ghosts of which I hold so close
I'm sick of having them hover so near
I want them to disappear
White and black shifting shadows
Circles that breathe in and out
I want to shout and release, but with them comes no ease
They are reaching into my skull with their bony fingers
They grasp on to my train of thought, I can't even say I fought
stabs across my skin

    signals from my nervous system

Dice up my heart and feed it to the shadows
I'm tired of these ghosts of which I hold so close
They whisper my name constantly beating me insane
I swear I'm mad, because sometimes it makes me glad
twisted and knotted in my veins they cackle inside my brain

Sometimes we're friends and the fun never ends
we sit together in gray weather
dredged with darkness I whisper your name
I turn it over on my tongue
waiting and        wishing                    becoming so much more
                                                            ­                                          numb
Days seep into nights
switch off the lights in my head
put myself to bed
Say goodnight and close your eyes so you don't see the shadowed demons and where they hide
because in your head is where they reside
I'm so tired of these ghosts of which I hold so close.

The sunrise burns with fire
just as my desire
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
empty stare windowing wishes of being there
I've met my tolerance for this pain
I'm losing the game, slowly running insane
I'm sinking down, waiting for the black water to crown
This is going so slow, this descent of a new low
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
stomach ache, smiles that I fake
rewind time with my mind, so I know you not to find
wishing well of forgetting spells enraptures my skull
I will not give in to your lull, repeat this defeat
scar it in again
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
You're forgetting me as I reminisce you
that much is true
I'm sick of staring at the same black hue
twisted heart and scared hands
I was your biggest ******* fan
now I've seen your future plan
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
maybe it's the truth
that I was meant for you but you weren't good for me
You poisoned the sea and now all that's left is fractures of that huge fee
cracked heart of stone
I'm tired of listening to the same old tone
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
I need to give it up
You'll never be mine
Shattered
shattered I'm sick of thinking I never mattered
make it stop, make it go away
I don't want to go on another day
this is going to slow, this descent of a new low
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time.