today i drank a bottle of the finest, oldest scotch my dad had locked in the liquor cabinet
i stole the key, he doesn’t know it yet
i sat in my car and put it into drive
i kept my foot on the brakes because-i don’t know, i was scared i guess
but i wanted to ******* feel something, you know?
you could never understand that
you always felt too much-all the time
i never told you this, but i envy you for that
i could feel the anger boiling up inside of me and i slammed on the gas pedal
it was dark, past midnight and i got on the highway
i swerved perilously between the lanes
then crash
and i didn’t feel anything at all

Marriage was never really in the cards for us
But it was simply the next step in our relationship, like growing out of a pair of shoes
You would buy the new shoes wouldn’t you? So why not just upgrade to a newer status of “us”?
I never knew what I wanted out of life
You always had a plan
I thought we balanced each other out
But maybe we were at opposite ends of the universe, slowly being pulled further apart by our vast differences
But if I knew one thing in this world, it was that I loved you
God did I love you- I was as sure of it as I was as sure as the stars and moon above that gave me such comfort on those cold nights when my anxiety would steal any notion of sleep
You used to find me lying outside in the grass, staring up at the sky at 2, 3 in the morning
You never said a word, just lay down beside me and held me until I stopped sobbing
We fought constantly
Over stupid little things that I now regret
We would get into raging wars about which flowers to buy from the stand- I love sunflowers and you hate yellow
After we fought you would shove me against the wall and kiss me until your tongue melted away all the curses I meant to scream at you
The week we decided to repaint our kitchen was the week I met another man
It wasn’t planned
Nothing ever really was, if I had anything to say about it
We met at the flower stand; he said my sunflowers were beautiful
Soon  we were fooling around in the back of my car every night that week
The next day at Home Depot we were fighting about the paint color
Of course I wanted yellow and of course you hated it
I screamed that I had slept with someone else and the look on your face just about killed me
It was like I had stolen all the dreams you ever had, and I guess I did because I took your heart and I shattered it like a mirror
We haven’t spoken much since, just civil conversation with lawyers present about the divorce
You should have bought me sunflowers.

I take my coffee dark and strong, just as I take my men
So as I stood at the counter stirring my dark, hot coffee,
I watched as you sat at the table growing paler and weaker in my eyes
As you struggled to figure out when I would figure out
What you were hiding
As if I didn't already know