I want to be
like the heart
that beats in
your chest

thud, thud, thud

never knowing
that one day
it will

s
t
o
p

It was another dewy morning in  June;

the grass outside the apartment block was damp with promise
in the early morning sun

light streamed through the
***** glass of my bathroom window, highlighting my face as I lay stirring on the floor, my limbs bruised and heavy

an empty pill bottle, a couple of escaped tranquillisers, littered the black/grey slate floor

It was cold to the touch, and I

Frozen

memories came pouring back, before my head had a chance to catch up. My mind racing at the speed of a thousand cheetahs.

last night, my heart had been ripped open, left in ribbons for a child to come and play with. It was bleeding into my chest, I was drowning in my own blood.

Drowning. Drowning.

I had thought of it.

Ophelia had become something of a role model. A beautiful, tragical, wailing girl who had tied flowers in her hair and skipped off into the lake, pockets heavy with rocks

But no, there would be no ceremony for me, no bittersweet beauty.

The bottle was in my hand, like a grenade, and all I had to do was pull the pin

You can **** me, she said
but you can never ****
the fact that I still
love you

I hunt for death,

teethe bared like a wild dog
catching the scent of blood meat

I am half animal, feral
and free. Yet half human,
closed up and shy

This uncomfortable juxtaposition is full of flaws to hide in

My rage is scarlet and pulsing, like a blood vessel about to burst

But is that the wild dog in me, outhunted, or the wallflower wilting

It was different this time,
we were drifting together

I can't drink or smoke
when you leave

I leave the windows open
tempting a breeze
to bring in the scent
of flowers and summer
rain

They remind me
of you

the way that rain
falls onto a flower
and drips, drips
down into the
soil

the yellows
and oranges of
the petals
burn

our faces reflect
in the dirt and I know
that we'll never be
clean again

as the sunflowers wilted,

I felt a spike pierce my heart,

loaded with regret
and memories

of walking barefoot
through those fields with you,

chasing the sun as it
inevitably ran faster than we could

our feet, grass stained green

the promise of love, in full bloom,

as I turned my face away
from those dying flowers,
into the crook of your neck,

you sighed, whispered

“their seeds shall grow again

next spring,

and our love can
withstand the winter”

to ask for forever
is like carrying Everest on your back
hoping you’ll survive it’s weight
I didn’t ask you for forever

I just wanted to share cigarettes and pints
and that mad rush of blood
that makes me want to take a star into my mouth
just to see if I can withstand the fire

your taste is spread across my teeth
like a tapestry of God

no forevers
let us live in this moment
and make this moment
Earth shattering

It doesn't matter to me
but you still matter
the most

we walk
under a canopy
of wasps drunk
on rotten apples

a second away from
a sting in the neck
that would put an end
to our feet tracing the

path to our destiny

I know the storm shakes
between her bones, the
roars of oceans racing
home, the reach of
hands across yards of beaten
apple trees

scattered debris leads from
her heart to mine, and I
sail into the
eye

fearless

and cool

waving black clouds

being brave

Voices come and go
with the wind
a light breeze
spinning leaves
amber, scarlet, evergreen
I know I need to hear
you voice, with it's
hooks and snares
that clip my heart
I know I need to feel
your skin, your silky
touch that sends icy
shivers down my spine
I know I need to see
your eyes, haunted
hunted, hungry for me
I know. I know.

I know

It occurred to me,
suddenly (as I
watched his face
in sleeping sunlight)
that he was a thing
of soft flesh and
warm blood
and not of  
cold deductions
and brutalities

The moon shines like a giant pearl
scurried away from the ocean
on the crest of a forbidden

wave

I would sit with you here, forever
my hand wrapped tightly
in the million promises

of yours

if you’d let me
if you’d let me

stay

We have
the choice
to either
chase
every hour
given to
us
or to
claw back
every hour
in a desperate
chase to
put things
right

Red and white checks

concealing sec
- rets

grass blades irritating

bare thighs

fingers trace a pattern on them

marking my flesh in ways I don’t

understand

yet know too well

the pencil draws higher and higher

until it reaches

my centre

yet I am off balance

and the world is spinning around me

clouds dancing across the sky

the sun piercing my eyes

yet still I stare at it

too scared to break the gaze

and return back to my body where

blood is simmering below

but never boiling over

never exposing

never letting anyone else

in on

- it

lips sealed

terrified for the day the locks get

broken

The scars on my hips
that leave blood on your lips

the taste of innocence and ignorance

unknowing
of love’s sting

the bitter kiss of loss

wrapped in the promise of forever

I borrow words like money

always swearing that I will pay them back

but my heart is in so much debt

as you have taken every penny of poetry
that I had

that if I am to keep writing at all

(and I must keep writing)

I must go on

scrounging my way through life

He is, within me
hollowed and hoarse
as the sand creeps
grain, by grain into our shoes
a molecule, they call it
a moment.

we left the ***** lights of the city.
for what? to blossom, to bloom
as if we were mere buds and yet
we are already older.

as the waves roar, like thunder
lapping the shore.

Red nails between stained teeth
Biting.

Orange wool skirts that scratch thighs
Itching.

Yellow youth that sits, back arced like a cat
Wasting.

Green fingers that grow roses and vegetables
Watching.

Blue lips that kiss cold mouths
Freezing.

Indigo jeans that fade in sunlight
Warming.

Violet eyes that flash with goodbyes
Leaving.

a thousand lovers
before us

have walked this path
of passion

that melts on our skin
like ice

wilting in the sun
like a  dried up flower

the words that pass
between our lips

are not unique

but still they shatter silences
rolling like a thundercloud

across the sky of
our indifference

to the fact that we
are not special

no, we are so much more
than that

reborn and learning
how to live

in the arms of
each other

we're content to be
a cliche

if the centre of it
roars red

like fire

if the heart of it
beats out to the rhyme

of love

my mouth moves
yet I am
wordless

I exist
without
your kiss

(barely)

head held
under water

heart beating
slowly

pumping
the minimum
of blood

that my brain
needs

to be able
to understand
your goodbye

and to tell
my lungs
to stop

(breathing)

The shoreline gleams around us, winking beneath the sun. I think about how it meets the sky and the reflection of something beautiful on something wild.

What does the ocean say about us?

I cannot promise you

forever

only this red wine soaked moment of

bliss

under a carpet of stars, sighing as our hearts

collide

infinite and unfathomable

a mystery for the universe to

unpick as we sit

waiting...

for the moon fold around us

safe and complete

a second of ecstasy

amidst the chaos the turning Earth

but I promise you

this

Pity is a paralytic
chaining you to the past
the tiniest movement forward is
body shattering agony

let me be free from it
let me soar above
these waves of regret
this screaming sea of hatred
that has poisoned the core of me

the world is what
I take from it, what I
make of it

I do not have to grow
from the bitter seed
it has planted in me

I was not born to feel the
endless night

that comes, starless,
bringing to my room a broken moon

I was put on this Earth
to crush leaves beneath my feet
and revel in the changing seasons

to take each one into my mouth
like a ripe fruit

I am here to touch
the brilliant, bright sun

I was born to make Icarus proud

(it’s just ***)

to consume someone completely

(it’s just ***)

to strip someone of their power

(it’s just ***)

to rob them of their identity

(it’s just ***)

to take away their future

(it’s just ***)

to imprison them in their own bones

(it’s just ***)

to tear them apart

(it’s just ***)

We danced in a summer haze
white wine and sweat
seeping from our pores

the fire flies bared witness
to our eyes meeting
for the first time

our hands trembling
as they touched
your fingers brushing
my brushed cotton
dress

sun kissed and
senseless with
longing

desperate to live in the moment
for once
but the thought of a cruel
oncoming autumn

constantly lurking in
the back of our minds

"maybe one day"

won't feed me

"maybe one day"

won't clothe me

"maybe one day"

won't quench my thirst

"maybe one day"

won't unblock my airways

"maybe one day"

won't strengthen my pulse

"maybe one day"

won't jumpstart my heart

"maybe one day"

won't stop my bones from breaking down

"maybe one day"

won't stop them covering me in earth

"maybe one day"

they'll be no one there for you to say

"maybe one day"

to

I hated him for denying me
a fight

leaving in the morning
like a dream

through the slightly open window
and rippling curtains

There is a comfort in shouting
words bouncing off the walls
like bullets

I wanted to give him
an exit wound

but I turned over to find
an empty pillow

I do not trust the air
that I breathe,

a trick of God, made to make
me believe in

life

but I am dead, and I stare
blankly,

a dead stare,

through these rusty bars
that shatter like ribs around
my shaking heart

I dare not -

breathe

I wanted to cut down

something that had barely begun to bloom

to pour poison on its roots so it may never

grow again

maybe it was envy driving me

or maybe I just wanted the world to see

how fleeting youth and beauty

can be

I tattoo your name on my arm

as if I am scared that time may
erase it from my memory

as if flesh speaks louder
than a heart that beats

to the rhythm of fractured souls

your name -
I will bury in my skin forever

long after you have forgotten
how to form the sound of mine

We stood on a deserted beach on a freezing January night,
staring at the waves as they ebbed and flowed,
they seemed so infinite,
as if they would never stop their gentle rhythm,

and we -
we…

the skin of our love was cracking violently apart,
as if we had been lying under the sun
with no protection, for years

(maybe we had)

there were no words to soothe the burns,
no actions to undo the damage

we had - split

back into two separate people,
instead of consuming one identity,
and maybe that was best,
because two hearts, two brains, four lungs…
in one entity…
you are sure to burst at the seams…

There was a time when I would run
into a burning building
to save you,

until I released that you were,
in fact, the arsonist,

setting light to whatever you touched,
(for the Hell of it)
and I was in that
(Hell)

my flesh burning as your fingers
pressed their prints on it

but you didn’t realise,
that you had turned me into evidence

and I would drag my body through
a thousand fires, and roll in the ashes,
of what’s left of my life

to help them catch you

That wild ride of lust and laughter

the sheer lunacy of running barefoot
along the sand at midnight

our clothes falling behind us
like leaves off an autumn tree

do you even remember it?

as you sit across from me at breakfast
drinking black coffee and smoking
until your lungs peel

do you even remember
that we used to be young?

now that your withered hand
hovers over mine

too scared to touch
as if my skin is made of fire

what did we lose?
what did we gain?

did it even out
in the end

or are we in debt to our
youth

I'm smoking my fourteenth cigarette of the night
and listening to a storm shatter against
my window

my mind is folding backwards to when
we first met, the most important raindrop
in history, caught in my eyelash

that you gently kissed away.

In April, I look forward to the showers.
to puddles gathering at my feet, that I
can splash about my boots.

Daffodils bringing yellow smiles,
spreading like honey across fresh
growing grass.

I remember your kiss
and the raindrop

as I listen to the violent, wild winds
of Tezcatlipoca, washing away
that single, fateful

drop

I loved you
when my heart
was barely able
to beat

out any rhythm
the resembled
life

I loved you
running wild like
the moon sitting in
a black ink sky

I don’t like to make
a spectacle of
my passions

but I loved you
open to the world
honesty and truth
the cornerstones of us

our whispered secrets
at midnight, entwined
together as each found
a home in the other

and you betrayed them

loving another as
I loved you

On the train tracks of love
we are one collision away
from disaster

our hearts torn metal
twisted and thrown
from their framework

we are passengers
out of control
merely praying that
we will survive

You murdered me
yet I survived,
in a sleep where death
is my only dream,

my heart was stolen,
yet I hold it in my hand,
broken and scarred,
why does it still
beat?

I feel your fingers on every
inch of my flesh,
flies that get under my skin
and infect my insides
with fear, guilt and shame,

I hold every breath in
the purgatory of my
throat ,

to be sent to the
Heaven of forgetting
or the Hell of regretting

I imagine myself
in a house without
windows

I grow there,
stilted, like a
flower denied
of rain and
sunlight

I am always
cold, covered
in thin hairs that
rise like flames
when a whisper
reaches the back
of my neck

I am always
scared, rivers of
fear flowing like
blood through
my veins

I am always
hungry, remembering
the taste of fresh bread
in the morning

It has been a long time
since I ate

I have been searching for a reason;

was it my hair,
my face,
my waist,

as he grabbed me by the wrist
and pulled me towards
his pulsing body

was it my hips,
my ****,
my lips,

as he stood before me
one hand, ******* my shoulder
a ***** mattress beneath me
covered in the seeds of my
shame, my hate, my blame

forever changed, one half of
my head is a Hell no one else
will ever know, ever see,
ever understand

**** is an ugly word
yet, too simple to express
what is taken, stolen,
lost, in that one act

four letters that sit together,
like every other word
in the ******* dictionary

yet they are strangled with
barbed wire, each vowel
choking, each consonant
begging to be heard,
to be seen, to be
believed

I have to believe
that I can grow
from a rotten
root

or else drown
in a pool
of my
tears

and fears

I am out
throwing breadcrumbs
to help me find
my way back
to you

you are out
with torches
burning down
the trees that line
the pathways

home

It’s the little things you do;
like holding a door

that irritates the Hell out of me.

I am not your rose fed goose, or a blonde haired nymph,

I never wanted that weekend in Paris, that forced upon me anxious insanity

yes, insane, that is what
they’ll call me.
The doctors and nurses, shrinks and quacks

but I am not
and never was

I just wanted to be a girl ,
a little more than I wanted
to be

a woman

Can it not be enough
for your skin to tingle,

when it gets too close
to the open fire you are
curled in front of,

reading books that take
you to places that even
your dreams don't reach...

To exist in a moment of
contentment without waiting,
wanting, wishing for
the next one..

I am praying that the sun stays out
twenty four hours of tears
dried on my eyes lashes
sticking my lids together, like glue
so that I can only see a slither of difference
between light and shade

I don't want to be left alone with the night

I’m scared
to feel more
than your
love

so even when
it’s over

I cling to
the veins and arteries
of my broken
heart

like lifelines

hoping they will
save me from
drowning

You see scars
instead of stories,
histories weaved and stitched
half healed, still tingling with shame,

fragile ribbons tied together by my teeth,
pulled tight against the darkest night,
when midnight was a threat, and sunrise
an aching promise that I might forget,

so, see scars if that’s all
you can see,
but I now honour the stories
within me