We have
the choice
to either
chase
every hour
given to
us
or to
claw back
every hour
in a desperate
chase to
put things
right

I hunt for death,

teethe bared like a wild dog
catching the scent of blood meat

I am half animal, feral
and free. Yet half human,
closed up and shy

This uncomfortable juxtaposition is full of flaws to hide in

My rage is scarlet and pulsing, like a blood vessel about to burst

But is that the wild dog in me, outhunted, or the wallflower wilting

He is, within me
hollowed and hoarse
as the sand creeps
grain, by grain into our shoes
a molecule, they call it
a moment.

we left the ***** lights of the city.
for what? to blossom, to bloom
as if we were mere buds and yet
we are already older.

as the waves roar, like thunder
lapping the shore.

You told me once that everyone
has a heart that

bleeds

yet, if you’re lucky,
you will find arms that wrap around you

acting like tourniquets

to stem the flow, so that you do not bleed

to death

I know -
the secret flower patches
where the fairies hide

play
dance
drink sugar water
and eat daisy petals

I am becoming
them, leaving a world

that bound me with bitterness,
and gagged me with guilt,
subdued me with shame

I am not that rough edged  world;

I am flowers and sugar
twirling and stories

I exist, differently,
and happily

under the secret flower patches

my mouth moves
yet I am
wordless

The shoreline gleams around us, winking beneath the sun. I think about how it meets the sky and the reflection of something beautiful on something wild.

What does the ocean say about us?

Red nails between stained teeth
Biting.

Orange wool skirts that scratch thighs
Itching.

Yellow youth that sits, back arced like a cat
Wasting.

Green fingers that grow roses and vegetables
Watching.

Blue lips that kiss cold mouths
Freezing.

Indigo jeans that fade in sunlight
Warming.

Violet eyes that flash with goodbyes
Leaving.

The scars on my hips
that leave blood on your lips

the taste of innocence and ignorance

unknowing
of love’s sting

the bitter kiss of loss

wrapped in the promise of forever

a thousand lovers
before us

have walked this path
of passion

that melts on our skin
like ice

wilting in the sun
like a  dried up flower

the words that pass
between our lips

are not unique

but still they shatter silences
rolling like a thundercloud

across the sky of
our indifference

to the fact that we
are not special

no, we are so much more
than that

reborn and learning
how to live

in the arms of
each other

we're content to be
a cliche

if the centre of it
roars red

like fire

if the heart of it
beats out to the rhyme

of love

to ask for forever
is like carrying Everest on your back
hoping you’ll survive it’s weight
I didn’t ask you for forever

I just wanted to share cigarettes and pints
and that mad rush of blood
that makes me want to take a star into my mouth
just to see if I can withstand the fire

your taste is spread across my teeth
like a tapestry of God

no forevers
let us live in this moment
and make this moment
Earth shattering

our love lies
battered on the ground
like the centre of a rose
left naked without
its petals

bitter whispers of
"I loved you more
that you loved
me"

I will call you
cruel, your
callous heart
wounding me
with goodbyes

I will call
you cruel

cruel

cruel

It was another dewy morning in  June;

the grass outside the apartment block was damp with promise
in the early morning sun

light streamed through the
***** glass of my bathroom window, highlighting my face as I lay stirring on the floor, my limbs bruised and heavy

an empty pill bottle, a couple of escaped tranquillisers, littered the black/grey slate floor

It was cold to the touch, and I

Frozen

memories came pouring back, before my head had a chance to catch up. My mind racing at the speed of a thousand cheetahs.

last night, my heart had been ripped open, left in ribbons for a child to come and play with. It was bleeding into my chest, I was drowning in my own blood.

Drowning. Drowning.

I had thought of it.

Ophelia had become something of a role model. A beautiful, tragical, wailing girl who had tied flowers in her hair and skipped off into the lake, pockets heavy with rocks

But no, there would be no ceremony for me, no bittersweet beauty.

The bottle was in my hand, like a grenade, and all I had to do was pull the pin

The moon shines like a giant pearl
scurried away from the ocean
on the crest of a forbidden

wave

I would sit with you here, forever
my hand wrapped tightly
in the million promises

of yours

if you’d let me
if you’d let me

stay

I have been searching for a reason;

was it my hair,
my face,
my waist,

as he grabbed me by the wrist
and pulled me towards
his pulsing body

was it my hips,
my ****,
my lips,

as he stood before me
one hand, ******* my shoulder
a ***** mattress beneath me
covered in the seeds of my
shame, my hate, my blame

forever changed, one half of
my head is a Hell no one else
will ever know, ever see,
ever understand

**** is an ugly word
yet, too simple to express
what is taken, stolen,
lost, in that one act

four letters that sit together,
like every other word
in the ******* dictionary

yet they are strangled with
barbed wire, each vowel
choking, each consonant
begging to be heard,
to be seen, to be
believed

I have to believe
that I can grow
from a rotten
root

or else drown
in a pool
of my
tears

and fears

to the skinny girls
who taunted me for years
with your catcalling and put downs

please know you didn’t make me this way

**** it if you think I’m giving you that power
**** it if you think I will let that victory be yours

my brain is more complex, works deeper,  
than a simple desire to be YOU

believe me, I’ve flirted with it,
thinking you were all I ever wanted to be

but believe me now when I say that
you are not the cause of my empty plate

so run along and feed your ego elsewhere
because I refuse to feed it
by letting you believe

that I am the way I am
because I want to be one of you

I am struck
by lightning
every time
our fingers
meet

I drink the
wine of your
sweat
as if I were
an alcoholic,
desperate for
that first sip
of liquor

knowing it
is destroying
their organs,
but unable to
stop reaching for
the bottle, or

the flesh

I borrow words like money

always swearing that I will pay them back

but my heart is in so much debt

as you have taken every penny of poetry
that I had

that if I am to keep writing at all

(and I must keep writing)

I must go on

scrounging my way through life

I imagine myself
in a house without
windows

I grow there,
stilted, like a
flower denied
of rain and
sunlight

I am always
cold, covered
in thin hairs that
rise like flames
when a whisper
reaches the back
of my neck

I am always
scared, rivers of
fear flowing like
blood through
my veins

I am always
hungry, remembering
the taste of fresh bread
in the morning

It has been a long time
since I ate

It occurred to me,
suddenly (as I
watched his face
in sleeping sunlight)
that he was a thing
of soft flesh and
warm blood
and not of  
cold deductions
and brutalities

I do not trust the air
that I breathe,

a trick of God, made to make
me believe in

life

but I am dead, and I stare
blankly,

a dead stare,

through these rusty bars
that shatter like ribs around
my shaking heart

I dare not -

breathe

I'm smoking my fourteenth cigarette of the night
and listening to a storm shatter against
my window

my mind is folding backwards to when
we first met, the most important raindrop
in history, caught in my eyelash

that you gently kissed away.

In April, I look forward to the showers.
to puddles gathering at my feet, that I
can splash about my boots.

Daffodils bringing yellow smiles,
spreading like honey across fresh
growing grass.

I remember your kiss
and the raindrop

as I listen to the violent, wild winds
of Tezcatlipoca, washing away
that single, fateful

drop

I am praying that the sun stays out
twenty four hours of tears
dried on my eyes lashes
sticking my lids together, like glue
so that I can only see a slither of difference
between light and shade

I don't want to be left alone with the night

I exist
without
your kiss

(barely)

head held
under water

heart beating
slowly

pumping
the minimum
of blood

that my brain
needs

to be able
to understand
your goodbye

and to tell
my lungs
to stop

(breathing)

I hear his footsteps
Feel his breath on my neck
Hear him whisper in my ear
He is beauty and magic
and glitter.
But this is just fiction,
this is just hopeful longing,
this is me
not knowing what
I did wrong,
or how to fix it.

Pity is a paralytic
chaining you to the past
the tiniest movement forward is
body shattering agony

let me be free from it
let me soar above
these waves of regret
this screaming sea of hatred
that has poisoned the core of me

the world is what
I take from it, what I
make of it

I do not have to grow
from the bitter seed
it has planted in me

"maybe one day"

won't feed me

"maybe one day"

won't clothe me

"maybe one day"

won't quench my thirst

"maybe one day"

won't unblock my airways

"maybe one day"

won't strengthen my pulse

"maybe one day"

won't jumpstart my heart

"maybe one day"

won't stop my bones from breaking down

"maybe one day"

won't stop them covering me in earth

"maybe one day"

they'll be no one there for you to say

"maybe one day"

to

It’s the little things you do;
like holding a door

that irritates the Hell out of me.

I am not your rose fed goose, or a blonde haired nymph,

I never wanted that weekend in Paris, that forced upon me anxious insanity

yes, insane, that is what
they’ll call me.
The doctors and nurses, shrinks and quacks

but I am not
and never was

I just wanted to be a girl ,
a little more than I wanted
to be

a woman

Red and white checks

concealing sec
- rets

grass blades irritating

bare thighs

fingers trace a pattern on them

marking my flesh in ways I don’t

understand

yet know too well

the pencil draws higher and higher

until it reaches

my centre

yet I am off balance

and the world is spinning around me

clouds dancing across the sky

the sun piercing my eyes

yet still I stare at it

too scared to break the gaze

and return back to my body where

blood is simmering below

but never boiling over

never exposing

never letting anyone else

in on

- it

lips sealed

terrified for the day the locks get

broken

You are oxygen,
giving life to
a fire,
to a girl
who will reduce you
to
ashes

I hated him for denying me
a fight

leaving in the morning
like a dream

through the slightly open window
and rippling curtains

There is a comfort in shouting
words bouncing off the walls
like bullets

I wanted to give him
an exit wound

but I turned over to find
an empty pillow

That wild ride of lust and laughter

the sheer lunacy of running barefoot
along the sand at midnight

our clothes falling behind us
like leaves off an autumn tree

do you even remember it?

as you sit across from me at breakfast
drinking black coffee and smoking
until your lungs peel

do you even remember
that we used to be young?

now that your withered hand
hovers over mine

too scared to touch
as if my skin is made of fire

what did we lose?
what did we gain?

did it even out
in the end

or are we in debt to our
youth

With my hand on the telephone
I wait anxiously to hear your
voice again, a voice that
licks my ears like honey,
memories come back
vividly, flooding me with
longing, I used to be
better than this,
better than waiting
like a child for
Christmas, up at the
crack of dawn, awake
all night listening
for sleigh bells,
but you have made me
wild, one of a hundred
sad women living with
their eyes and heart,
sleepwalking, left with nothing
but a longing for a voice
on the telephone
to tell me I'm beautiful
and "please wait
for me" and I know
I would wait endlessly
for you, desperately,
as if you were a cup
of water at the end
of a a hot summer's day,
I am weak and wounded
foolishly hoping you will
heal me. Is this how I die?
waiting with my hand
on the telephone

I taste the black plum of your heart

I get drunk off the juice of your

lifeblood

lips stained purple as we kiss

sweet and warm and deep

as wild and wicked and the seas

I fear I am now sailing

there is no going back, now

the skin of you is in my teeth

and there is nothing but chaos ahead

yet I will ride it, my darling

I will clutch your hand like no one has before

and steer this ship to land

we were lovers
leaving no footprints in the sand
like ghosts
we walked the earth
lighter than air
and higher than heaven

love was the only
gravity we needed

(it’s just ***)

to consume someone completely

(it’s just ***)

to strip someone of their power

(it’s just ***)

to rob them of their identity

(it’s just ***)

to take away their future

(it’s just ***)

to imprison them in their own bones

(it’s just ***)

to tear them apart

(it’s just ***)

just remember
what you’re seeing
what you’re feeling
what you’re hearing

it is the beat of love

and I, my steps
quick and frantic
hold all the I see
I feel
I hear

in the palm of my hand
like a bird
temporarily caged
about to be set

free

Your breath is like honey,
a warm trickle on the back
of my neck, your kisses
sweet and deep as the
ocean

I have a craving for
sugar now, an insatiable
sweet tooth, mouth open
wide and ready to
devour

one more touch and
I am transformed into
something more than
just a woman

dressed in rags
and begging for one
more mysterious
meeting of lips

I have put my faith
in men of your kind
all my life

deluded into thinking
my sanctuary lay in
being cradled by your arms

only to have my heart
ripped open, as a child
might tear off the petals
of a rose

as thoughtlessly
and gleefully

as I lay scattered across the floor,
bleeding a substance that is not blood,
but the very nectar of my soul

I make a vow to never again be
so recklessly in need of love
that I ignore my gut instinct

to run

and keep running

until I find sanctuary within myself,
until I become in tune with the beat of
my own heart, content with it's gentle rhythm,
to know that this is who I am, this is my purpose,
and this is who I need to stand for,

because when I am
at peace with myself
maybe I will see through
the likes of you

I wanted to cut down

something that had barely begun to bloom

to pour poison on its roots so it may never

grow again

maybe it was envy driving me

or maybe I just wanted the world to see

how fleeting youth and beauty

can be

I sit at a wooden table
with four chairs
(One only has three legs)
the trickle of rain seeping
through the broken window
grows into the cascade of
a waterfall, in my mind

food is being shared out
plump strawberries that smell
like summer, and fresh bread
that makes me cry
with the thought of the effort
that went into making it

I sit waiting for the conversation
to start
the conversation I have waited
years to start
I’m not even scared anymore
I have my tribe
If they disown me
I can cope, practically

My partner squeezes my hand
she’s been here before
The morning chatter is coming
to an end
I don’t have long
I just have to say it
To be honest, it amazes me
that they can’t ******* SEE it
But ****, it’s over
They all walk out around me
Leaving us sitting there
hands clasped together
Maybe together is all we have

These are the moments that matter

the spark of friction
when our hands squeeze
together

the tender press of your lips
against mine

the gentle breath on my neck
that is a love song, whispered

these are the moments I’ll remember
when you’re gone

when you are calling me all the names
under the sun

fighting like a flock of birds over breadcrumbs

pacing like a  hungry lion with a deer between its teeth,
blood running down it’s mouth
contorted in an insane grin

I will not remember that

I will remember this

We were strangers drifting
on a sea of chance

meetings in smoky clubs
hands slipped together like silk

stained coffee cups and sugar lumps
in my throat

and then the waves crashed
against our promises

of a future that was a double dare
to promise

I wake with a start at 4am
the weight of my past in my heart

I long to destroy -
cause destruction and chaos
to echo what they did to me

but I never do

I just sit behind another cigarette
watching the smoke twirl
and travel towards to sky

and I am jealous

for I wish to be as light and free
and spontaneous

as a smoke ring

our nights are sprang sharing cigarettes

and drinking cheap, neat *****,
straight out the bottle

until the stars start to swirl
in mesmerising patterns

that keep us transfixed till the sun rises
and the new day beckons with endless possibilities

for lovers who have lost their footing
in this world

sea sick from its spin

desperate to belong to more than
each other

desperate to be part of something
bigger

than our swelled hearts, bursting with promises
of forever, and ever, and ever

A hook
an eye for an eye
hanging helpless
at the end of
your line

This is where
our idle walking
ends

the crunch of
winter leaves
beneath our boots

stops

we reach a kissing
gate that tells us
we're in

memory

when our thoughts
met with kindness

soft whispers
in the soil

hearts planted
so deeply that
even the storms
do not shake them

one of our hands
reaching for the
other, to touch,
to bruise

scratching, crawling
out from the Earth
like a dead
thing

utterly mad
but strangely
beautiful

I became
untethered -
a wild wanderer
treading sand barefoot,
eager and constant
a butterfly unpinned,
unhinged -
storms rolling across
my skin like water
only divine intervention
could tame me,
and I stood fearless
in the face of
God

I don’t believe in God
but you’re testing my (lack of) faith,
I look in to your eyes and see deep
blue oceans. Wild waves of freedom
and adventure.

how can such eyes not be the
result of Creation?

I hear your pulse echo in
my ear. The thumping beat of
everything that could ever be…

Divinity indeed, but if I were to
believe  - I would have to accept
that He could cruelly stop your
heartbeat, and take you from me
in a second

take away the rhythm
my feet follow
to find their way home

we walk
under a canopy
of wasps drunk
on rotten apples

a second away from
a sting in the neck
that would put an end
to our feet tracing the

path to our destiny