whispering ghosts keep me up at night

begging for me to join their chorus

not knowing that I am meant to be

solid flesh and bone

for wolves to devour

in their manic blood thirst

hunger for fresh meat

I am meant to die

at the hands of wild things

as I have lived

myself

I wake with a start at 4am
the weight of my past in my heart

I long to destroy -
cause destruction and chaos
to echo what they did to me

but I never do

I just sit behind another cigarette
watching the smoke twirl
and travel towards to sky

and I am jealous

for I wish to be as light and free
and spontaneous

as a smoke ring

Heart bursting

like spring blooms

I am not sentimental

but your touch is the Devil’s finger

your lips, soaked in Holy Wine

and when they meet mine

I believe in a God I have denied

with all my heart

now bursting with life

Into the heart of you
is my journey

my map - a maze or arteries and veins

love is my compass

I bite my lips to taste blood,
so that I may know what I am
travelling through

my destination only to see you smile
one last time

one last sneering grin
that used to irritate the Hell out of me

only it doesn’t, now

forever is lie,
built on the idea that we will live

forever

now is a promise,
built on the knowledge that we

will not

Ants
crawl over my skin
at night

biting into my flesh
******* blood until I am lying

pale and motionless
too weak to reach out a hand

yet, who would help me?

no one came, then
why would they now

they would rather see me smothered
by invisible hands
thighs left bruised by invisible fingers

too ashamed to speak it’s name
too ashamed to look

all you have the guts to do is
turn your face away
and pray

“Please, next time God, not me…”

There can be no absolution
for the things I’ve done

yet you do not talk of revenge or retribution

you forgive, too easily
(or maybe I believe, too easily)

lulled into a false sense of security

maybe I will pay one day
offer a vial of my blood to a faceless God

break my bones down
until they are a pile of dust

dust that you can scatter, like ashes
pretending I was good once, kind, considerate

a girl a million miles away for the one
wielding the knife over your best friend’s heart

yes, there were mitigating circumstances
but very few victims actually **** their ******

I mean, that’s wrong. They all should, really,
and get away with it.

because people like that have given up
their right to live

**** is ****** in a way,
except you wake up…

to **** these animals is self defence,
reclaiming, asserting yourself that
you will NOT be a ******* victim

that there can be only one survivor in this
and that’s you

I took your strawberry jam secrets
into my mouth,
and let their sweetness rot my teeth

sugar stained lips, a lingering kiss,

I’d burn bridges for you,
without a glance over my shoulder,

walk hot coals, and relish the blisters,

but letting your strawberry jam secrets
swirl on my tongue

is perhaps the greatest way that I can say

“I’m here for you, darling.”