It seems as though
I always want to talk to you
But our conversation comes at a cost
Because every word spoken
Puts me one word closer
To the last words I'll ever say to you.

With hope I could forever speak
With reason and love aimed at your heart
Taking your ears and making them listen
To what I need you to hear
Before you cannot hear anymore.

Carefully I select the sounds I speak
As not to choose the wrong ones
Picking silently in my head
The memories I would like to leave behind
In every moment I spend with you.

I know the last words I will say to you.
They are in my head now
Dancing on my lips
Teasing your ears
But I will not say them.
Not now.
Instead,
I will say them when it is time
For them to be true.

I do hope, however, that when that time comes
You will have already said them
To me.

I never mean to be that guy,
But every time a friend uses another friend's Facebook,
The go-to gag will be a status saying "I'm gay," with
Eyeroll emoticons and LOLs promptly following.
Giggles and pointed fingers echo off the walls and
Into the ears of the suffering silent.

Those two words used as punchlines are the heirs,
The progeny of a past bathed in blood.
They are words weighted down by chains linked with laughs
And locked by the smiles and eyerolls.
The free ones revel in the fire baptismal they impress upon
Those left chained to the wall in the shadows.

Like children, they delight in the minor sting of the fireball that destroys those they mock.
Eyes sparkle and smiles flash at the fictional thrill that entertains them and murders the ones who dare to speak.
Their drums beat as the celebrate the chic
Game they get to play--playing Chicken with a train that isn't there
While others are strapped to the tracks by their shadows,
The darkside of the dance.

Songs and howls fill the skies and mix with the screams of the tortured to put the icing on
Their twisted fandango--a brilliant spectacle to distract from the cries for help;
A spectacle as brilliant as the screens of their phones as they type the jokes stained with sadness:
"I'm gay LOL haxored," with the laughs following
At the circus, while miles away a boy sobs into his sheets,
The cold stars his only company.

I awaken
to the sound of blood
in my hips
moons come and go
predictably
but not today.
thoughts drift to the bottom
of an empty coffee cup
and I try to make sense
does it make me feel sad
to lose something
I never asked for
never thought about
never wanted
relief
stays with me for a minute
but not for long.

A strange regret to have.

I touch the last place you have been
Here
some spark lived here
a few days ago
but now- lost
as I am
how can I grow to love something
that did not exist
I've said I wouldn't want it
again and again
Didn't know I wouldn't mean it
at the end
I thought I could do anything
try every flavor ice cream there is
drink until I pass out
and burn everything
to keep myself warm every night
and not care
because I don't want it
until now
until you
will we see each other again?
I would have liked to meet you
see how you danced
but too late
this is the worst secret to keep
because a secret is always in the telling
but I'll say goodbye
with a few tears
a few wisps of cigarette smoke
I promise I won't tell Daddy about you
one last song
and a few notes of silence
to keep you safe
Goodbye, finally, breathe
it was nice not knowing you
And I'll just go back
to where I was
just a little more empty
than usual

A hum among our tall crowd of flowers,
a small cylinder in feeble sunlight
hops along a rainbow before showers,
tin clouds now suffocate the yolk from sight.

Dressed in a garish old knitted jumper,
I watch as it slurps every face dry
and can you hear? The grumble of thunder
but still the bee murmurs, fizzes on by.

Sun covered up, a cloak made of metal,
not long until all drains choke, gutters leak,
this insect sits on a topaz petal,
looks out for a first silver drop to break.

Now the bee jumps, has committed its theft,
a blur in a downpour, exiting left.

I heard a cry in the night,
A thousand miles it came,
Sharp as a flash of light,
My name, my name!

It was your voice I heard,
You waked and loved me so—
I send you back this word,
I know, I know!