my eyes don't bat
with your heels on my back
i keep a straight face
when blades take ribs' place
walk over and on
i've heard a similar song

stimulated, unmedicated,
always diving into the void.

also known (to me) as my own brain...
its got its own lane.

made of cobblestone,
maybe some concrete,
sometimes it's nothing but one way streets.

sinning in every direction,
seeing every location,
but I'm always just visiting.

it's been a long journey.
every wrong turn is a discovery.
every right turn,
a fight against misery.

but I'm always just visiting.
always left wondering.
I'm looming with inconsistency.
loving me isn't easy.
nothing like sunday morning.

rotting from the inside out
the walls inside of me are bleeding out
I'm indifferent to the crimson
I've always told myself I'm content in this prison
but that isn't born from truth at all
I'm a coward with a long way yet to fall

a n x i e t y
fangs baring teeth
f o r g e t t i n g me
fangs sink in deep
...and I miss sleep
**** counting sheep
they're here already
keeping conformity steady
waste of my time, baby
show me what you're made of, shady

there's high expectations
may I join you in space?

we are drifting through the tides...
but no one ever leaves
how they arrive...
I need to find a way back on that cloud
find that familiar bliss,
and then I'll just drift...
I might get a little road sick...
the years go by ******* quick...
& wistfulness can be a curse
of constantly feeling homesick
for places you've never drifted...
I want to drift through your sea
even as only a dream
& remorse is a trick...
apologies are a *****...
you're a scab I can't itch...
I could do it all again,
but I can't see the use...
when I don't want to be your lover---
I want to be your muse.

there is a noticeable silence on your end
maybe it's best if I take this time to mend
try and fix
everything that's really bringing me down...
I can tell it's chasing you away anyhow
because who wants to listen
to the girl with eyes that constantly glisten
wanna sew more sense into my devil's hem
upper cut nonsense with a fist to them...
& I know I'm trying too hard to impress you
I'm biting my lips until they turn a shade of blue
I'm not going to wonder why you're running
because I can't join this race if you're gunning
for something less like you and true
different colored hues
can't always mix and flow
especially when the volume's low...
I wish you'd turn it back up
and sink in your teeth
I wish you'd fire it up
and make me feel less like a creep
I dove too deep...
& still wanted more...
I feel like I'm always ******* things up to the very core
you're a hidden pearl that's still wading in my shore...

I want to factory reset my heart
I gotta find the hidden button
all I need is a safety pin
and no fear to commit to it

currently in between
a nightmare and a dream
I'd like to move like a ghost in your world

here then suddenly gone
not afraid to admit I was wrong...
but I'm already like a ghost.
you're wondering if I'm still around
while I only linger now

but I left town
and you did too
too much too soon

I sound dreadful
but I'm helpful
and imperfect
don't distort it

make love to an artist
they'll make art
in response to your every move
even after they do...
abstract expressions
of feeling too much too soon...

I'm a sucker for the rush
a nightmare and a dream
is calling me a crush
context changes in moments passing
the truth is I don't do that much laughing
I'm as cold as it seems
please, see me as a dream

you're giving me nostalgia
this city **** is cinematic
and I'm feeling electric
static vibes around me
want the vibes absorbing me
redefining me
wondering where to begin
feels like being born again

honest art
that's what I wanna see
from you
from me
expectations are high
(hell, so am I)
want to be as big as my dreams
wanna flow out my creativity like a stream
make you feel like I'm make believe
(but it's only in isolation that can be acheived)
want everyone to distantly respect me
(and I wonder why I'm ******* lonely?)
I'm a contradiction
consistent and willingly
but most times without thinking...
these new lights are blinding
(not when I'm driving)
(but **** lately has been slick)
crying gets old quick
but it sure feels good
and I don't cry enough
I get told I should ...
more more more
bored bored bored

writing my poetry to horror movies...
the fear never lasts longer than a moment,
and it's safe to breath for a small pardon...
because what I'm afraid of
isn't in my imagination.
what I'm afraid of,
it isn't lost
in my world of creations...
it's something most people seek
but it makes me feel weak.
I'm not interested in romance,
I'm interested in the rain...
because it's too exhausting now
to think about doing it all again.
I've got my heart on my sleeves
so you can see...
but they're attached with iron clamps
weighing on me, sinking me...
because what good is an anchor
without a distant shore?
what good is falling in love
with a heart that always wants more?
I'm going to let you down

I create dream worlds in my head,
an extension of inner self that’s hard to get,
I haven’t seen her face yet

of all the things you overthink
let it be me this time
I wanna saturate your brain waves
even if only in black and white
dreamy inversions that make you think twice
because sometimes I do...
lost wondering if I fell in love with you...
the city is lonely tonight
and I'm feeling brave
while nothing feels right
I'm afraid of leaving my shell
I'm afraid of emotional hells
and everything else unwell
& I hate what you've done to me
I feel like a cheap thrill
while you stare at me with your looks that ****
I've never been so angry
as I was that night I thought you ignored me
because I jump the gun ***
and you know it
that's why you chose to ******* run
and I don't blame you at all
deciding my worth to you is not my call
and I wouldn't want it to be anyway
speaking what I really think
is the wrong thing to say...
I'm a little on the downside
meet me on the south side

I feel like I've got a double ******* chin
what a win for the year
I've got a terrible relationship with the mirror
**** whatever it is that makes me so ashamed of my weight
and **** whatever man wouldn't **** me because of my weight
I've got a lot of good **** to offer
so whatever
life isn't about being happy all the time
it strikes misery and I still gotta do my grind
life doesn't give me the ******* at a good time
just for my convenience
life doesn't care about my convenience
or your convenience
just be unhappy for a little while
swim around in your stomach's bile
maybe you'll learn something new
but it's hard to see the light in different shades of dark blue
it's there in the headlights on the highway on a midnight cruise

getting mad about making sacrifices
that no one asked you to make
always keeping track of exactly what you give
and never what you take

maybe one day I'll be worth millions
that day probably being when I die
addicted to my expressions
trying to determine a worth to sell for my life
we're all stuck in our nine to fives
I get it baby,
I don't feel that alive either
I'm working every day to free her
I'm working to be her
I'm working to see her
again
not around the bend
maybe tomorrow by ten
I'm finding out
so much more than I've been before
I've got cuts on the roof of my mouth
because biting tongues doesn't do any good anymore
I'm alive in my complexities
love me in paint stained sheets
while I cover up what I don't want you to see
swirled into my reality
while remaining a mystery

I want to re-do what I wrote
on the fog on your window
when we smoked too many cigs
and I was getting too many zits
in places I wasn't used to getting zits
I felt unsexy
but you made me feel worthy
and I'm not asking for much
wish we coulda stayed good that month
among all the hustle and crunch
we lost sight of ourselves somewhere along the bank
in the fog that collected on your windows before we sank
and we went deep
I think we're still asleep
I'm not hearing the voices
only feeling the urges
and I'm not strong enough to run away yet
but I was back then

join me in space
we're getting high on expectations
and lost causes
crushing up dried roses
that I've kept after all this time
and no one knows this
or what the roses really mean
if you think know, you know nothing
it just exists for me
and I want to keep floating
in-between misery and day dreams
I feel safer in the fantasy
of delusion meeting hope for something
for anything

so this is how it ends?
you say you hate me
....again
and then...
you wanna walk away?
you say you don't wanna be my friend
"then go"...
need reference?
i'll hold the ******* door open for you
you wanna walk away I will too
i've got scabs over scars
you always break through the tissue
but this...
and then...
so that...
the fact is i could never get angry
you'd silence me with your own
i could narrate you like a documentary :
observe now,
as he breaks me down...
got a lot on your mind?
swallow it now
I'm spitting fire on your *******
it's time for me to get rightfully hot
you want me to be patient still?
....I'm ******* not

I've got to ******* shave
focusing on what there is to mentally save
but I'm riding this wave out to sea
tingling waves of humility
sort of unable to see **** clearly
blinking my contacts clean
but not really
dry eyes and yellow lines
you've caught me in your sights
I'm still a little blurry
but you're not in a hurry and I'm busy
busy working and listening to music that hurts me
gotta find a way to be bolder still
less colder, ******* still...
not sure which train to board or what to bring
I just wanna make sense of things
all this eclipse **** and I could care less
looking for something beautiful
and shouldn't that be it?
I want it to be enough
I want it all to be enough
and I know I'm tough
but now I'm boring myself
I'm looking for inspiration and you're not it
I'm looking for an adventure and I'm not listening
maybe I ******* should be

Love me not
I’d rather rot

art to the death of me
and it could be the death of me

on the journey of finding light while pushing through the dark, i sometimes will forget the importance of that stillness

fragile eyes tell no lies
look in mine and hear what it is i'm not saying
i'm always growing
and so are you
but with broken petals
and dried up roots
what ground is there to cling to
if the ground has nothing for me to live for

so afraid of being rejected
you're acting cooler than everyone you see attractive
as if that's going to make someone see
something special they crave for romancing
do you want someone to grovel?
egos give only push
and no pull...
I'm not looking to get high
off of you
get on my level
and get high on your truth
show me what inspires you
and I'll show you, too

I used to want to live alone more than anything else. It was one of my greatest desires for so many years. Presently, I’ve been living alone for almost two years and I love it. However, during moments of vulnerability, whether I’m sick, experiencing depression lows, or struggling with my anxiety, I always find myself wishing for a friendly or familiar face to pop in my doorway and say hello or just ask how I’m feeling and then pop back out again. I find myself wishing I wasn’t alone more often, even just wishing for the noises of someone else’s presence in the next room, to know someone is near that I know and trust like when I was living with my family. My entire life I’ve been introverted, soaking up my alone time like a sponge and relishing in it. My bedrooms have always been my small spaces of sanctuary for art, expression, meditation. My entire home has become that for me now. I’m so in love with the space I’ve created for myself and I don’t want to disrupt it, but I am always alone now. Maybe I’m not sure what it is I’m craving. I’m working on identifying it every day. I feel so unfulfilled. I used to think I was unsocial, but I think I’m just quiet and reserved. I love to observe and reflect. I love to exist quietly next to people who don’t poke at me for entertainment or answers, but rather just enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs. I’m grateful for friends and acquaintances who enjoy being quiet with me. (And I have them, y’all know who you are, I love you). I think I just miss PEOPLE. Introverted tendencies aside, I have also always been someone who enjoys connecting with others, going out and making new acquaintances, and then going home to enjoy my alone time and recharge. 2020 has made me feel even more disconnected from other humans than ever before. Scrolling social media contributes to my anxiety and panic attacks. When I think about going out and being social outside of my safe spaces (home and work), I feel like I’m going to throw up from anxiety. Imagining someone new to come into my home makes me afraid of that vulnerability. Such a strange feeling to simultaneously desire & fear human connection and vulnerability. I’ve been pushing myself into a dark realm of loneliness for so long now. I’ve isolated myself away from people who try to connect because of insecurities and fear of vulnerability. Fear of being hurt. Fear of letting someone down. I think I’ve let a lot of people down over the years. Guilt is a poison that takes control in small but volatile ways. Guilt and insecure has pushed me back into the shell of myself time and time again. The shell gets old. The shell gets lonely. The shell needs a window or a door, no one knows where to knock anymore.

Reaching and breaking
a high until I fall
just to get you to hear me at all
I loved you so blindly,
so purposely and entirely,
focusing everything
to our future that I carved out into my psyche
clammy hands gripping ballpoints while I'm shaking
Because linear lines were never really my thing
especially in learning about loving
and what it would eventually bring me
But it was never supposed to be like this
I guess lessons are sometimes easy to miss
I'm glad I was I was already standing
Meanwhile I've been carrying so much hostility
vulnerability doesn’t come so easy anymore
I feel weak whenever I let down a wall,
open a window, or a door...
And because of that, no one ever really gets in
if they do, just like you, it’s right before they’re leaving
Because time and time again I’m shown
that I’m only here to change a man’s life, not stay in it
while they're thirsty for me to inspire it,
to mystify, to entertain ****
to help them see what they’re worth
to dig into their layers running deeper than the earth’s...
But I’m not here to be a muse
without reciprocation of inspiration infused...
I want someone to dig into my layers
the way that I dig into theirs
instead of playing the part of understanding me
when in reality, they don't ******* care...
It was easier for you to stay on the surface
where you could observe me, lay within me,
take my vibe in without any hassle,
but my roots are just as important as my petals
You made it to my soil and wanted a ******* medal
Got into the dirt where it's dark,
and I suddenly became too heavy
I became a burden you carried
while I continued to carry you...
And I don't think I was ever truly yours
I didn't want to be just another
I didn't want to be your mother, your therapist, your **...
I felt like a hidden world being left undiscovered
that you once said you wanted so badly to know
your words will never produce as much as your actions show
because if you had ever loved me, you'd have let us grow
planting the seeds were half the toil
and your roots were never in my soil

Life is pretty beautiful sometimes despite the *******. As I was driving home the other night, I saw branches illuminated in a streetlight and thought to myself ******* that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It was sort of over a dumpster, but in the area of the sky for me in that moment had that beautiful scene above me. So I guess what I'm saying, is if you're struggling to see the light, just look for the branches that are illuminated while you lay in the dumpster below in a dark winter. That way you don't even have to get up until you get the strength. Maybe spring thaws your limbs and you can stretch out again. Just keep looking up.

cryptic ****
that only you'd get
you're not really here anyway

You want to pluck me like a flower but you don't know that I'm a ****

there's a void...
you'll listen to me
when I bring up my *****
but do you wanna know my dreams?
I could cry streams, you wouldn't believe
I'm strawberries and cream
with shards of glass in between
are you sure you want to taste me?
I'm like poison baby
that's me lately
if you step into this
your legs and brain will be shaking
I'm great at confusing the enemy
I've never been good at vulnerability
I know how to pull you in
and my reflexes spit you back out
I don't know what the **** that's about
I'm offensive
you wouldn't like my folds and creases
passive-aggressive
and fluctuating *** drive makes it all tasteless
past anxieties flooded me
when they were inside of me
I started crying
they kept thrusting
and maybe that ****** with me
maybe that wasn't okay like I said it would be
I use it now as a way of distracting
you from seeing
any part of what's real in me
parts of me your **** can't reach
mysteries ****, baby
keep searching

I was unhinged
reflecting on it makes me cringe
but that's life, baby
some people just make each other crazy

**** your expectations & entitlement
to my tenderness & vulnerability
to desire does not mean you will receive
you already made the choice to leave
the first ******* two, three times...
I’m no longer on the other line.
hang the **** up
don’t try a twelfth, thirteenth time
I’m doing just fine

you're not entitled to my time
because you ask for it
you can't **** my creativity dry
because you thirst for it...
I'm not a product on a shelf,
I'm not a diva over-involved with herself...
I'm an artist,
I'm an old soul,
and that alone can take its toll...
because I've got patience that is dwindling
surrounded by entitlement that is sickening
and how dare you assume I owe you anything
when there's details you're ******* missing
you don't know a thing about me
so you fill in the silence with your vanity
as if I choose to give you all of my energy
when you're the force that is stripping me
I owe you nothing
and never once asked you for an apology
because I know I'd never get it
I'm just trying to ******* forget it

I won't lie and say you don't have my attention
but my focus is on my creations
and I'm sorry I don't tell you you're ****
you've got a *** drive as tasty as candy
and I don't even want a lick
I feel like a ******* *****
I want to want you
I want you to want me
then the moment comes
and I'm not thirsty
but I'm flirty
slowly approaching thirty
and I'm wondering where you fit in with me
while probably boring you completely
and you're still here asking questions
maybe you see a fire that I don't feel
maybe you see something real

and here's the thing
I don't give a ****
about what you think I might have said about you
over five years ago
in coversations that were once private
with someone who doesn't **** with me anymore
leave the drama at the door
stop keeping score

tell me again about how you're living life different
about your rose colored cheeks and swimming against the current
you've got me filled with artificial intensity
while you're leaking out your acidic hypocrisy

this armor is becoming quite heavy
my flesh is rusted chainmail that cuts me
from your view I'm a stormy sea
but I'm calm on the other side of me

I see you hide your stretch marks
when you change your ***** shirts
I see how fast your body moves
to cover up what you think makes you less lovely

but I do think they're beautiful
it was a time you don't remember
when your body was swollen
and your heart burned like ember

so did mine
my heart is swollen
and my stretch marks on my heart
my hips
they're beautiful
and so are you

My worries hold a *****
and have been digging into my bones,
settling in and getting cozy,
as if returning home.
I'd like to say I feel the same,
but I'm far from comfort here;
I'd like to say I've got an exit,
but I can't find any that are near.
There's far to many steps to take,
and I've got anchors in my chest;
I'll run out of air before I'm able
to not feel like such a mess.

Uninspired,
while feeling like I've got something to say
Which is usually when I say what I gotta,
in the entirely the wrong way
Because it pours out of me in any way it can,
it doesn't matter how much time passes
or how long I anxiously ran
It's so much more than a feeling,
and vulnerability was never really my thing,
despite the heart I carry on my sleeve...
It's a mirage I keep,
I wish I could show you the real thing
I can't seem to let you in just yet...
but I wanna see what's up your sleeve,
I don't want you to leave

I get so caught up in being a mystery
I forget there’s power in vulnerability
but I’m not here to empower weak men
if they don’t challenge me positively
I will only destroy them,
and swallow whole, on toasted bread
If they can’t empower or inspire me back,
I’m gone, I’m bored, eyes all black
I’m so done giving time I can’t get back

Stop saying sorry
for things you’re not sorry for
In the workplace
In a retail store
In every day life
Stop saying sorry so much
You’re doing fine
So long as you’re trying

Textured skin
humans on display
I wanna shed the skin of my insecurities
light it on fire and walk away
ashes to ashes, prices to pay
drowning in societal pressures
every single day
and
I wanna be free from that world
without leaving it
I wanna be free from display
without turning off the spotlight
I like the warmth of connection
waves of sound and light
I wanna be, I wanna feel, alright

They’ll play the villain you keep painting them as if you’re not careful...

you told me it's like
i have sparks in my head
i told you i liked
the way i felt in your bed
but choices are choices
and they're mine alone
it's not about feeling small comforts
it's about feeling at home

What we hate in others we often hate first within ourselves. Projections get old and the light eventually burns out. Face the darkness, let it die.

Coming up empty handed
and calling me a handful

I remember being told
you didn't want people to know
about your ability to be violent and to keep control.
You said it was your way of always staying ahead
back then, I guess I didn't realize what exactly that meant.
I remember being told
I had the softest skin you've ever felt
make no mistake, my skin remains thick, even in this hell.
And if you were more of man I could say this to your face,
but that would require integrity taking arrogant's place.
And communication can't happen
if comprehension isnt there
and all you ever comprehended
was what you thought was unfair.
But only what was unfair to you, and you alone...
If your actions ever hurt me, it was my fault; why? Who ******* knows.
I remember being told I always felt like home.
You've been watching too many indie shows.
I'm not the girl you romanticized,
I'm not so easily swayed.
I stand my ground, I stand up for myself,
so you were never strong enough to stay.
I took away the fun of your game.
I exited the box you put me in,
I can't be manipulated as easy as you thought,
your true colors aren't really colors at all
you're in the shadows, and bleeding, a lot.
And I really hope you heal your wounds
while you wander around in the dark
I had a light, I wanted to share,
but you can't hold hands with a lark.
So go ahead and find the folks
who you think hate me as much as you hate yourself
**** my old best friends, **** my old boyfriends,
whatever you need for your "mental health".
And tell your creepy friends they can get the ******* my media
Just like you get off to starving women for your attention to drive them into hysteria.
The only time I felt desired
shouldn't have been whenever we ******
I'm a goddess, you're not worthy,
and I wish you best of luck.