so this is how it ends?
you say you hate me
....again
and then...
you wanna walk away?
you say you don't wanna be my friend
"then go"...
need reference?
i'll hold the ******* door open for you
you wanna walk away I will too
i've got scabs over scars
you always break through the tissue
but this...
and then...
so that...
the fact is i could never get angry
you'd silence me with your own
i could narrate you like a documentary :
observe now,
as he breaks me down...
got a lot on your mind?
swallow it now
I'm spitting fire on your *******
it's time for me to get rightfully hot
you want me to be patient still?
....I'm ******* not

a n x i e t y
fangs baring teeth
f o r g e t t i n g me
fangs sink in deep
...and I miss sleep
**** counting sheep
they're here already
keeping conformity steady
waste of my time, baby
show me what you're made of, shady

you've got me on the edge of my seat
every cyber vibration gives me that leap
& your cyber vibrations are ******* neat
I bet your lips taste sweet
(maybe that's eager to say
I'll keep it real & will anyway)
but with a hint of ash
let's go out strapped for cash
I don't need much
creation is my crutch
you know inspiration is priceless
finding it in you is one of my many vices
it's a romance in the wires
igniting small fires
rewiring my dials
confidential files
& in between all the miles
you're giving me smiles

perhaps it's nothing at all
because nothing is still something
and sometimes that's enough
to be something
other than nothing

I'm a dreamer baby
(that which is terrifying to me
exists in what I think is my reality)
or perhaps, in my irrationality...
& I'm rubbing my eyes at 4:00am
shaking with the illusion
that reality can stay in my clouds...
(the ones I create myself
when no one else is around)
with the rest of my memories
that taught me
what losing trust and knowing fear meant...
(memories that taught me
about my own darkness wherever I went...)
& you know, I never did tell a soul.
my secret keeping skills were gold.
& while the plot thickens,
& my skin stretches into it's 26th year
my strength slips through my fingers sometimes
but I'm still ******* here

touch my skin
use your fingerprints as bullets
i want to become the beautiful thing that you are

so what happens now
when there are craters
on my lines drawn in the sand..
i knew you'd cross them eventually
arrive and conspire punctually
i'd like to tell you to get a grip girl
i'd like to tell you to ******* girl

you're not entitled to my interest
because you're interested in me
most men would call me cold
but that's because I'm trying to be

the moon would kiss you goodnight
if you asked it to
and what I wouldn't do...
I could not list
& your energy is ******* crisp,
I like the way you say hey
while knowing it's not that special anyway
I'm in a shadow, you can't see it
I'm in a meadow, with out green tints
& I know you think I'm mental
you wanna take me out like a rental
...but, what can I say
I think you've got good taste
you wanna find inspiration you can't waste
but that **** doesn't come that easy
& I know you won't be able to recharge me

gotta slow down my empathy
to inhale the apathy
can't take much of reality
who's got time to be a wannabe?
I know all you do is pity me
and I pity you, but secretly

I'm improvising just as much as you were here
so let's just play it by ear
we'll get comfortable after a few beers

I've got nothing else better to do,
do you?
because I know you liked the feeling
of my skin against you...
but you say you want me wild, baby
I know you like to keep it vintage & crazy

old school rules aren't me completely
I can say it straight that I will never need you
and I don't care that you will never need me

a wild woman inside
I seem to keep being reminded
it's not shocking that you're nervous
it feels isolating if I'm being honest
i'll be opened
and then I'll seal it
but tell me about your gut feelin'
I can't help it I'm a runner
but you already know that I'm a sucker
you've got me feelin' my feels out on you
& your threads sound dope
you tell me you've got hope
in me
in my vibe
through circuts and waves
****
what a ******* way to behave
show me your years
i've got mine numbered with irrational fears
you can see them in my palms
it's my turn to my nervous

i don't want to forget the country roads
that shaped me
formed me
healed me....
the roads
i have dropped to my knees in despair
within
cropped in
fighting my sins
with a lens and a shutter
looking for solace in turning glass
nothing last forever...
the country is my church

stretch out your cyber muscles
keyboard teeth forming lip sores
don't you ever get ******* bored?

you're not entitled to my time
because you ask for it
you can't **** my creativity dry
because you thirst for it...
I'm not a product on a shelf,
I'm not a diva over-involved with herself...
I'm an artist,
I'm an old soul,
and that alone can take its toll...
because I've got patience that is dwindling
surrounded by entitlement that is sickening
and how dare you assume I owe you anything
when there's details you're ******* missing
you don't know a thing about me
so you fill in the silence with your vanity
as if I choose to give you all of my energy
when you're the force that is stripping me
I owe you nothing
and never once asked you for an apology
because I know I'd never get it
I'm just trying to ******* forget it

sometimes I still think of you
and your dark hue
you had a spark within you
burst too soon
I'm not betting on your sanity
just like you're not aware of mine
still got a burning in my throat
from cigarettes and cheap wine
and you're so beautiful it's distracting
I'm itchy and you're what's scratching
I'd burn you away with alcohol
but you're already swimming

Expectations on my shoulders
to act a certain way…
to be a certain somebody…
to me, to you,
to everyone you speak of me to…
I can’t connect to you if you chain me down
I can’t connect to you if you define me all around
I’m not what you want me to be
& I’m not what you think I must be...
I connect with my darkness, but not all the time
I’m free to wander, but I am forced to prioritize...
I’ve got enough things weighing me down,
I don’t have time to wonder why you’re not around…
you can’t give me space to exist for myself
my advice will never be enough for you to save yourself
you’ve gotta be strong on your own at the end of the day…
(& when was the last time you asked me if I was okay?)
I am grateful for the journey.
I am grateful for the times.
but I am tired of the expectations,
I'm not yours 'cause you love me... I am mine.

you're giving me nostalgia
this city **** is cinematic
and I'm feeling electric
static vibes around me
want the vibes absorbing me
redefining me
wondering where to begin
feels like being born again

the contrast between you presently
and the you that I knew past tensely
have altered so much willingly
I wonder which side of you is your pose...
can't say anyone really knows...
but can you even say you do?
is anything behind or below your lip's flow true?
forget it and put your walls up
forget it and put your fists up
defenses against those who admire you
will only make you burst into flames
you can pretend there's different levels
of small town fame
but I'll remember you just the same
be careful who you throw dirt to
it'll be that same dirt that buries you

I worry sometimes
I'm never going to be over losing you...
you were my girl first,
everyone knows that's true...
and that sounds elementary,
but I don't have time to worry
about how I sound to everyone else
lies are what broke it apart anyway...

& what harm will being real do
rather than being fake
& why do I miss someone
who believed a ******* snake...
over me...
(the snake that so easily
wedged itself in-between...)

& looking back doesn't do any good, either...
who I used to be is lost in a grudge, help me free her...

I tell myself every passing year
a real friend wouldn't let ******* in a single ear...
and lie to my face when I see it in her...
ring the bell, we've got a ******* winner,
of the longest trail of ******* ever laid...
I started out saying I miss you,
but I'm glad you never stayed.
what a shame.

it seems we're both empty
looking for a fill
like a pill
heart racing, **** chasing
are you counting
down the seconds
until penetrating
over it
I'm tired of waiting
bored again
humidity
I'm sweating
you come with a warning
like I'm coming in with a crash landing
I wanna be the only one left standing
intentionally
you're wrong for me
*** is only ***
when you disconnect
unintentionally
and now you're boring me

Lately I've been haunting my ghosts back
just as much as they haunt me
visions of silhouettes against stain glass
crisp autumn air in our mourning
I keep an iron grip in my mind
of every texture, every scent,
every feeling, and what everything meant
The darkness of November always sneaks up on me
and even without light, it's blinding
November always rips away at me
sometimes in a way that hurts me
other times, in a way that's healing
I don't always have the time to dissect it
I don't always find a way to understand it
I just feel it
and let it wash over me
there's art on the other side of the misery

so afraid of being rejected
you're acting cooler than everyone you see attractive
as if that's going to make someone see
something special they crave for romancing
do you want someone to grovel?
egos give only push
and no pull...
I'm not looking to get high
off of you
get on my level
and get high on your truth
show me what inspires you
and I'll show you, too

not sure who I currently am...
I feel like I'm rolling around
in-between a lesson
& a mental breakdown
the twenty-something *******
attempting to be an above-it *****
where your scratches don't itch
& I'm never distracted by dramatic ****
but I am
and they do
I'm not putting me over you
I've seen this view before
I'm feeling stillness and a pull
feeling like I'm on cruise control
programmed responses
to predicted reactions
I'm fine, how are you
what's up, what's happening
I'm annoying myself
and it's ******* fantastic
where are you?

maybe one day I'll be worth millions
that day probably being when I die
addicted to my expressions
trying to determine a worth to sell for my life
we're all stuck in our nine to fives
I get it baby,
I don't feel that alive either
I'm working every day to free her
I'm working to be her
I'm working to see her
again
not around the bend
maybe tomorrow by ten
I'm finding out
so much more than I've been before
I've got cuts on the roof of my mouth
because biting tongues doesn't do any good anymore
I'm alive in my complexities
love me in paint stained sheets
while I cover up what I don't want you to see
swirled into my reality
while remaining a mystery

i watched shadows form,
at first paper thin
like the shadows forming on his jawline
and the itch
on my upper lip

i can feel unfamiliar eyes burning holes through my back, filling in blank spaces with assumptions on how my character can/should be defined. foundation to assumptions should never be the words coming only from one direction, as different sides can still exist from the same

guilt isn't something that sticks
it's something that follows

you've got a taste
you know my center
cookies n' cream
makes you scream
and you tell me how you think i'm sweet
i'm loving you in between the sheets
in the vanity
where's my sanity
because i want to love you
and i still don't know you
but you've got me cutting corners
disobeying orders
you don't know me
and I think you're already in too deep

and here's the thing
I don't give a ****
about what you think I might have said about you
over five years ago
in coversations that were once private
with someone who doesn't **** with me anymore
leave the drama at the door
stop keeping score

you're not a saint
but keep beating that dead animal like you are
bring it back to life
put those strings on the limbs
make it dance
dance for your world
that you're still so desperate to impress
dance for your pride
dance for your ego
dance for yourself
that's all we ever were doing
spinning in circles around your sensitivities
spinning in circles around what i was doing wrong
i'm hearing a ringing in my head
echoes of your tantrums
when you couldn't respond
only cross your arms
and fall into yourself
where you danced in your self pity
danced in your despair
i'm not the composer of your songs
you're singing to yourself baby
and you have been all along

i was told confessing thoughts
even if they aren't necessarily secrets
can be healing.
well i had really terrifying dreams as a child.
i wish i spoke up back then.
i wish i told someone how much they actually scared me.
because it's years later
and i'm not a little girl anymore.
the things that are terrifying me
exist in my reality
or in my irrationality...
and i'm rubbing my eyes at 4:00am
with the illusion
that reality is up in the clouds
with the rest of the memories from my childhood
that taught me what fear was.
not really real
not really there
in my imagination.
or at least i could pretend.
what was reality in my childhood that scared me
i never told a soul.
my secret keeping skills were gold.
and while the plot thickens
and my skin stretches into it's 23rd year
my dreams slip through my fingers.
and my soles are soaked.

I can feel words burning holes into my back.

seems fitting
your name starts
with what is known as the beginning
but ends with an x
like you put over my face
in every memory
like forgery
write me off
because soon enough
i'll stop missing you

when does even love
become no longer enough
to save us

on the journey of finding light while pushing through the dark, i sometimes will forget the importance of that stillness

if you really knew me that well, you'd be telling people you don't know me very well

Today when I was driving home from work
I saw a raccoon licking it's broken leg in the middle of the road
It was raining
I started immediately crying
No one was going to see it where they would soon be driving
I went back out later in the evening
and avoided going down the same road
because I didn't know what I'd be seeing if I did
now I'm back home eating
thinking it was just a raccoon
but that **** was really sad too
a better person would have saved it
but I'm not a worse person for not
I'm sorry little raccoon

i told you i needed you
you said you were going to go to bed

I feel so far away from myself
while wanting freedom from my own mind
I'm overthinking everything all the time
meanwhile everything is so ******* poetic
it's almost overwhelming
a life source that isn't actually sustaining
I feel so many things fading
turning yellow on their edges and creasing
I don't want anyone to touch me
I don't want anyone to see me
I'm seeing too many memories
showing up in the shadows of my dreams
all in terrible color schemes
nothing is ever as dreamy as it seems
I'm floating on aimlessly
sadness grips me, it never misses me
it's a part of me,  I dance with it soulfully
it's melancholy, baby
I'm the melancholy lady
tip toeing on lines between different parts of me
wandering around
but not very gracefully

if you want to face the darkness
come up to where i am and meet it
i'm done hearing you talk of my darkness
as if you've really seen it

I'm not interesting enough
to entertain you forever

hate me for reasons you think are funny
i've hated me for reasons you wouldn't think to smirk at
try again and look within
i'm not the enemy
what's got you goin'
zoom out from zooming in on me
i'll forget your name in a day
forget mine and repair your tooth decay
of biting on your words
that aren't meant to be digested
but spit out and tested
your mind needs a new grip
your mind needs a good trip
back off and out
or lay back and pout
i'm not going anywhere

Locked inside
the iron shell casing around my brain lately
I don't mean to be moody
I just want different feelings sometimes
Rewriting the rules is my favorite past time
And I know I've got you on the line
Like a bird on a wire in my mind
Softly buzzing
I've been mixing new ideas with yours
And it's put me down an interesting course
I'm not getting lost this time

I never wanted your hands on me anyway
You haunt me still in so many ways

I dance with all my demons
But they’ve got no rhythm

cracking cold achy knuckles
always happens when I'm nervous
**** your tenderness

You want to pluck me like a flower but you don't know that I'm a ****

Love me not
I’d rather rot

you told me it's like
i have sparks in my head
i told you i liked
the way i felt in your bed
but choices are choices
and they're mine alone
it's not about feeling small comforts
it's about feeling at home