you told me it's like
i have sparks in my head
i told you i liked
the way i felt in your bed
but choices are choices
and they're mine alone
it's not about feeling small comforts
it's about feeling at home

old routines are still familiar
like church services every Sunday morning
praise team practice early
the warm sun walking through the parking lot on me
and afterwards getting out as fast as I can
I just hated the lingering
but I was on that stage every Sunday singing
if I could move the elderly in the front rows
my ego was pleased
let's worship jesus on our knees
I never did bend down

Ingrained in me, stuck with me.
The darkness never really leaves.
It hides until it starts to bleed.
An old friend returning dramatically.
Traumatically.
Bold as can be.
The company longed for by misery.
I’ve become less afraid of it lately.
It’s hiding.
The sun is shining.
I can make it out to the other side fine then.
Just keep finding the light.

the disappointment of loving
always thirsty for the beginning
always avoiding the ending
even when I know it's time
even when their body feels foreign next to mine
I don't have any more energy to fight
but at least I'm not alone tonight

I get so caught up in being a mystery
I forget there’s power in vulnerability
but I’m not here to empower weak men
if they don’t challenge me positively
I will only destroy them,
and swallow whole, on toasted bread
If they can’t empower or inspire me back,
I’m gone, I’m bored, eyes all black
I’m so done giving time I can’t get back

stimulated, unmedicated,
always diving into the void.

also known (to me) as my own brain...
its got its own lane.

made of cobblestone,
maybe some concrete,
sometimes it's nothing but one way streets.

sinning in every direction,
seeing every location,
but I'm always just visiting.

it's been a long journey.
every wrong turn is a discovery.
every right turn,
a fight against misery.

but I'm always just visiting.
always left wondering.
I'm looming with inconsistency.
loving me isn't easy.
nothing like sunday morning.

will you be a victim?
or a victor?
i won't look into the faces that lie of their darkness
i won't look into the faces that lie about my own
you know more than just the things that hurt
you know less than what hurts me
who are you to say a **** thing
about what decays inside of me?
you can't
because you'll never be there
and i'll never let you in

learning to hold the hand
of all my darkness
i am not afraid to feel pain
i am not afraid to lose light.
after all,
the sun always rises
with every mourning

it's like a love hangover
after your heart has drowned

and whether i mean it or not
i'm telling you now

i'm never
drinking love in
again.

you think only of yourself
told me we were on the same team
now my silence is my self defense
because it's better not to speak
I refuse to think that's weak
I'm protecting what's mine

tough exteriors distorted like broken mirrors
spines don't form by breaking another's
mistakes have power to mentally stay forever
but shadows can't stop light from entering in
and i can't remove you from under my skin

fragile eyes tell no lies
look in mine and hear what it is i'm not saying
i'm always growing
and so are you
but with broken petals
and dried up roots
what ground is there to cling to
if the ground has nothing for me to live for

the dark thoughts are creeping in and i know my spirit's equilibrium has been set off slightly, and i'm not entirely sure how to proceed from here. only way is through, of course, as that's the only way out. what more can i bring you the table if that table keeps moving farther away from you?

short lived passion with boys
that cut their lips on their own words
cracking mouths and cracking voices
cracking knuckles and cracking backs

i have to remember the importance
in remembering what everything felt like.
maybe i am afraid of looking back on moments
and realizing we were all pretending.
maybe i'm afraid i always am.
what can define authenticity
when crushing passion turns to anxiety,
and a desire to avoid another enemy
turns to plastic gleams on plastic teeth?
rinse & repeat.

i'm not feeling very familiar
i've got an itch on my brain that moves linear
got myself tongue tied in my head
got myself bruising from springs on a foreign bed

I am hollowed.
However,
the nice thing
about things that are hollow :
they can be filled back up.

i am a pro
at not being able to know
what “too much information” is

when it's mid-beat
i'll make your mind take a seat

i'm artist turned narcisstic
so what i've got to say
i think it's gonna make you wonder the same
i usually think it's gonna save your day

but what is too much information
and why do i have to measure it for you
why do you want all of my information handed over to you
and in which format this information is measured,
i haven't got a single clue.
when the digital screen reads "uncomfortable"?
when the red arrow reaches "too"?

too much information is a concept i may not know,
but i know what i don't want to give you.
my time isn't measured like your information
gotta wonder why my time being observed on your time too

so, yeah, i've got information.
but not a single dose for you
i've got heart and i've got time

i can never have too much
because i don't have enough
all while never knowing
who even gives a ****

you wanna hear me complain ?
doubt it
i don't want to hear you
i get it
i'm vain
what else do you want me to say
i don't have fancy word play
but i still have things to say
and ideas to marinate in your brain

meet me half-way

the older i get the more things there are to miss and it becomes harder every year, i wonder how to balance, i wonder how to find peace, i wonder how to be okay with things that are gone but you never wanted to leave, i wonder when i'm about to experience change, because change scares me unless it brings me to art, but my art hurts me when i see it lately and i'm not sure what to do but continue this ongoing sentence until i find a good stopping point...........................................................i­ think i found it

lying to yourself
isn't forgiving yourself
take time to tell the truth
take time to feel your youth
corner darkness in the open
put truth in all corners to soak in

Reaching and breaking
a high until I fall
just to get you to hear me at all
I loved you so blindly,
so purposely and entirely,
focusing everything
to our future that I carved out into my psyche
clammy hands gripping ballpoints while I'm shaking
Because linear lines were never really my thing
especially in learning about loving
and what it would eventually bring me
But it was never supposed to be like this
I guess lessons are sometimes easy to miss
I'm glad I was I was already standing
Meanwhile I've been carrying so much hostility
vulnerability doesn’t come so easy anymore
I feel weak whenever I let down a wall,
open a window, or a door...
And because of that, no one ever really gets in
if they do, just like you, it’s right before they’re leaving
Because time and time again I’m shown
that I’m only here to change a man’s life, not stay in it
while they're thirsty for me to inspire it,
to mystify, to entertain ****
to help them see what they’re worth
to dig into their layers running deeper than the earth’s...
But I’m not here to be a muse
without reciprocation of inspiration infused...
I want someone to dig into my layers
the way that I dig into theirs
instead of playing the part of understanding me
when in reality, they don't ******* care...
It was easier for you to stay on the surface
where you could observe me, lay within me,
take my vibe in without any hassle,
but my roots are just as important as my petals
You made it to my soil and wanted a ******* medal
Got into the dirt where it's dark,
and I suddenly became too heavy
I became a burden you carried
while I continued to carry you...
And I don't think I was ever truly yours
I didn't want to be just another
I didn't want to be your mother, your therapist, your **...
I felt like a hidden world being left undiscovered
that you once said you wanted so badly to know
your words will never produce as much as your actions show
because if you had ever loved me, you'd have let us grow
planting the seeds were half the toil
and your roots were never in my soil

Life is pretty beautiful sometimes despite the *******. As I was driving home the other night, I saw branches illuminated in a streetlight and thought to myself ******* that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It was sort of over a dumpster, but in the area of the sky for me in that moment had that beautiful scene above me. So I guess what I'm saying, is if you're struggling to see the light, just look for the branches that are illuminated while you lay in the dumpster below in a dark winter. That way you don't even have to get up until you get the strength. Maybe spring thaws your limbs and you can stretch out again. Just keep looking up.

I was unhinged
reflecting on it makes me cringe
but that's life, baby
some people just make each other crazy

i've got two shadows, though
the one that stays with me
and the one that you keep

obsessive
compulsive
distracted
explosive
redundant
forgetful
abundant

I feel lost in a lull
that I keeping humming along to
wondering if you ever feel remorseful
but that's like wishing on a star
and expecting it to come true
admirable, but ultimately delusional
I wanna move on gracefully
but I don't think that's how I operate
I'm a little messy with good intentions
not always open to cooperate
with anyone but my own conscience
autumn dives me under the surface of my nostalgia
and I stay underwater, I like the drama
but I can only take so much
before I start to sink in too deep
help me find the surface
before these depths start to speak

you give me nostalgia, baby
I've got butterflies, it's crazy
you are rose colored glasses personified
you are all the romance I have glorified
and sometimes vilified..
after too many faults of past lovers confused my psyche
too many faults of my past loving mocking me... internally...
while externally, you've got me tongue tied and dizzy
I'm falling into a daze from your vibrato
while you strum your guitar and sing in the echo
I just want to stare at your aura
dive right in and start exploring...
got me feeling sensations I haven't felt for so long
vulnerability usually makes me feel weak,
but it's hard to feel anything but stronger
lately
I wanna spend time with you longer
you give me nostalgia, baby
for memories we haven't even made,
it's crazy

Did you get what you wanted out of me?
I hope you got your fill now that I'm temporarily empty
I'm still digesting all the tall glasses of your misery
that were funneled into my stomach whenever I was uneasy...
And we packed so much **** into 6 months, it may as well have been 6 years
Looking back I see a lot less laughs than there were ever tears...
But red lights blend into everything when you're wearing rose colored lenses
Today I searched for and washed you out of everything like forensics.
And I'm sure there's some people already thinking I should give it a rest,
but I won't censor myself for your comfort because you only like me at my best
I wear my heart around my throat like a necklace
and I think it looks alright on me

Maybe I'm not as strong as I let on
but it's how I crave to be perceived
to anyone who sees..
I want to be seen as resilient,
watch me fight through it
The same old heartbreak *******, we've all seen it...
And the familiar disappointment
of only seeing the red flags in hindsight
This pain and bull isn't sustainable,
but maybe I'm addicted to the thrill...
Love me so deeply you want to ****
The same way loving a toxic man
kills off all of my will
to keep my hands & mind busy
in my own ******* orbit
so I do anything I can
to subconsciously destroy it
And then without even realizing,
suddenly I'm drowning
I'm so tired of getting ****** in
and getting pulled out to sea
victimized by someone
constantly victimizing themselves of something
is just as confusing as it is entirely exhausting
So when I finally break free,
I keep running like there's no tomorrow
And while I don't believe I'm necessarily hiding from my sorrow,
I think I just don't know how to greet it yet;
I don't know how to treat it yet...
Another heartbreak on a list of crass men
that I'm still getting used to the greyscale
of taking off my rosy sights from...
I want to have rose colored glasses
that don't need wearing
but rather, embodying
because they say sometimes it's just about your perspective
so I'm adapting to new ways that I can shift and shape it
I feel it all, I bury it, I dig it up, and then create ****

Been listening to the saddest playlists I can muster
while some have only been on the back burner
just waiting for the next heartache to come my way
it's a shame you never really calmed my anxiety's shakes
codependence turned into despondence and headaches
I woke up in your arms day after day
even the day you officially ran the other way
and left me there still shaking
I couldn't have ran after you even if I had been ready
I'd been trudging through the mud for too long already
and lately I've been forgetting what you feel like
I'm still waiting to decide how I feel about that

I wish I could have seen so many things sooner
I want to find past me and shake her.
And while the other side may not be greener,
it feels like there's clarity
You didn't have any spine, all you had was the audacity.
To treat people the way you have,
I wouldn't have the capacity...
I wonder how you're sleeping

Humidity on me
feeling like condensation forming
my skin is the plastic shell
and there's so much I'm bottling
Everything I can't speak on freely
tired of being only worthy of your lusting
and never your loving
you tell me your deepest secrets
but let's keep things casual
I wanna know what you're thinking about me
but it's always someone else, something
And that's okay, I get it
I'm not easing to give loving to
time took me down a valley
and I'm not sure if I ever ended up exiting
just sat on the ledge kicking my feet
before I grabbed your skateboard
and dropped back in willingly
I wanna float back up
but I forgot how much crawling it took to get to the edge
my fingernails are always busted
so it's hard to feel my scratching
but I hope you at least know I'm there
inbetween the creases of your brain's waves
kicking my feet on the surface

making yourself the victim all the time gets really old
and I know you're not one to take any suggestion you're told
because if **** got better you can't place blame
in every direction except the one that it came
and baby that source is right back to you
I've got, the world's got, we've all got trauma too
but I don't use it for reasons to treat you like ****
all I was ever looking for was a genuine apology and I never got it
and I know deep down you might want to get better
but you want to take the easiest way
there isn't a pill to take away trauma you haven't faced
you're all over the ******* place...
and I'll be able to sleep at night, just maybe not that soon
breathing got easier without you ******* it all out of the room
but I don't like to live a life with regrets,
I loved you with all of me, and I can't change it
I stood with my arms open to you ready to do the work
but I can't tell you the view will be beautiful at the top
if you're going to sit at the bottom in the dirt
which is where you always liked it
manipulation and mental gymnastics
shattered my rose colored glasses

I won't compromise myself
to keep you around
just for you to keep letting me down
I could treat you like a king
polish your crown every day
wash your feet after a long day
would you do that for me?
unlikely, baby
you've been inconsistent and shady
I'm a ******* lady
could be yours
and you're just my crazy
my headache
my heartache
my warm flow of nostalgia in a sunset
my doubting spirit
when I know you've seen the message I've sent
I wonder where you went
I wonder where I am
I wonder why you're moving on
and why I can't
you said my side of the bed is open any time
as if it were ever mine
I was always just visiting
I shouldn't be surprised

I'm the girl you call at midnight
never the girl you call in the afternoon
I'm the girl you can't stop thinking about
but ignore me when I'm in the same room
I'm better as a day dream
but I wanna be someone's reality
I'm so tired of isolating
I wanna have fun and be silly
I'm tired of carrying this armor
that I'm not even ******* wearing
it's a dead weight like my past toxic lovers
I'm wide open and uncovered
it's up to you to pull back the veil
I've burned mine

I chase after melancholy
like a toxic lover I'm begging to stay
by the time I'm back drowning in it
I just want it to go back away...
what a beautiful melody
a symophony of strings playing just for me
bittersweetly...
I carry shame with me like a pocket knife
scar tissue forms no matter how lightly you're cutting
insecurity and jealousy is damaging
I want you to need me
while I don't need anything...
are you waiting for me to write a poem about you?
I'm waiting for too much way too soon...
I don't get nearly as lost as I used to,
just a little confused
everyone else remembers details I never want to
youthful while longing for my youth
if I'm an old soul
I'm a pair of vintage dark blues
freying hems just add to the character
but I'm a little too broken in
so wear me down gently

My voice may get shakey
whenever I cry or when I sing,
but I take my photographs steadily,
and make them really mean something.
There's confessions in everything;
in my memories, in my bones,
in my poetry, in my songs
on the gravel roads where I meet god...
I can't look at anything without seeing expression
and I can't remember living without my depression
So what happens when there's peace?
There's a certain discomfort in that space
There's art everywhere and I want to swim in it
but I'm so often being rushed away in the current...
sinking at sea until the water is no longer blue
I keep forgetting you can't go around,
you always gotta go through...
And while I might be feeling a loss,
while I might be feeling lonely,
I've got plenty of things that I consider as wealth,
none of them being money.
So I'm gonna wipe away my tears
I'm gonna continue to sing
and there's gonna be nothing that stops me
from seeing art in everything.

make art
but look the part
if that isn't priority
are you in this majority?
I say I'm an artist
so does everyone else
I can feel the eyes roll
when I say what I'm here for

and

I can see you treat me different
once you see my **** holds up
but unless I look like an artist
or the world knows my art
you're gonna think I'm not enough
rough and tough egos we've got, baby
hope your **** is good too
so you have an excuse for your crazy

walk like an artist
on the fine line between humble and elitist

taking advantage
of it being warmer than negative
taking advantage and
absorbing the sunset's gradient
I could actually feel it on my skin
teasing me like it's ridding me of my sin

because I've got the sense
that you're around
but that's what these new scents do to me
the snow melts away the blockage in my memory

but nostalgia always finds a way in
and I'm the predator looking for a sniff...
I'd crush it up if I could...
snort it straight if I knew you would

because I want to you to think of me
when the snow melts from the trees
but I want to you think of me
before you think of the speed

years turn into moments and
collectively they resemble something bigger
and I'm constantly arguing
with myself, to myself,
to forgive her

taking advantage
and staying warm in my darkness
taking advantage and
learning to speak less

had a manic week
almost peaked
jumped the gun
made a stupid run
into the ground
ignored the sounds of my morals
dug into my shins like ocean corals
I just wanted to feel free
even momentarily
instead it was paralyzing
guilt tripping and bullshitting
there's no way to get around reality
when it's the anchor around your feet
I want to discover a new side to myself
and find a way to meet her
I've never fallen to your feet before
I want to learn to stay planted on my own two
without wrapping my arms around you
to hold me up
fill my cup
that you take sips from
I'm rusting around the bottom edges
I don't know romance without fringes
I don't myself without rusty hinges
I'm a door that won't open
unless you find an alternative route
and by the time you get there
I'm burned up and turned to soot
I'm sorry I'm not around

writing because I've got nothing else to do
I get stuck when the **** *****
sticky when the humidity is up
and I just wanna get high
poetry is a confession or a lie
deciphering it isn't worth the try
and I just wanna get high
or meet someone fly
take me on a ride
give me inspiration for a new creation
see sparkles in street lights and wet skin
city slickers finger lickers
late night candy munchers
burnt out babes with a work ethic
show me your soul and stretch it
take it out for a ride with me
down the rainy streets
light green **** up in the shadows
and pass it to me
get high on our energy
and my average ****
until next week
there's a chance of cloudy eyes
and a real ******* high

it isn't fair I feel a need
to shield the eyes
(that for years I haven't seen)
from my skin that's stretched out a little more
than what they were used to seeing before
and ******* if you've got **** to say
ups and downs are my body's way
of reacting to the tides
got my womanly figure struttin where I move
I really don't have anything else to prove

i'll take a brief moment to forget, baby
that you're acting real ******* shady
to remind you : i'm a ******* lady

so let's drive
rewind

let's pause so you can get me a little wet
let's pause to let you kiss my neck
but make sure it's a little messy
cause that's how this ball has been rolling lately
**** stops when i feel a control on me
hold on me
a fold for me

whether you're trying to or not, baby
you've got a hold on me, shady

you've got a game you're playing
and i know you know it
humility isn't reality
when you don't know how to show it

dropping lines and favors that hit
cry a little and bleed for me like it ain't ****

but you'd probably like that
so you have a reason to stop self-decaying

you're a sociopath in training
forgive me for complaining

headphones hit a little different sometimes
melody striking me right in the ******* spine
I wanna break open every feeling I'm suppressing
tired of keeping my own self guessing
on what's gonna get conjured up next
I'm not saving money, so I won't make bets
I'm spending
so I'd rather take another loss
rewind me, get that dust off me, what's the cost?
I've got light leaks bleeding into my brain
nostalgia like film strips developing in wood stain
I wanna find a new way to dig deep
I wanna find a melancholy that doesn't seep
into the depths of me that end up poisoning
it doesn't belong in my bloodstream
but it enters through my lungs
I breathe it in every time I think
which is constant, and burying
I'm ready to move into a new year
find a new perspective that's a little more clear
get a new grip on reality
that doesn't give me blisters or make me bleed
feel the wind on my face
that doesn't come with a warning
I'm already freezing

and it isn't fair
you lie for comfort
lie for this weekend's new girl
she isn't your world
though i bet she believes she will be forever
for tonight only she's your universe
and you told me i was your light
at the center of what you're spinning through
and i tell you
i can't trust you
you wonder why
why?
you're a lie
now let me show you my music
that you think you're too cool to hear
let me show you my music
let me show you my dance
this little star is done shining here
reflecting off your moons
that spin in the wrong directions
eclipsing over truth can only last so long
in no time at all
your little planets you keep easily in your reach
aren't going to survive
without your star to shine for you
i'm not your warmth
i never was
you were a winter
and i've been in your shadow all along