got some words
got some thoughts
sounds windy outside in bed
feels windy inside of my head
changing directions
lists of altercations
i'm tired of being inconsistent on the surface
while only ever overcompensating in my brain
everything that seems to be different
still seems the same

hidden fragments
so far buried beneath my skin
I wanna go back to the when...
the day I met my sin
I wish I could rid you from my skin
you're imprinted deeper than any ink
a tattoo I can't remove without losing limbs
the memories block me from everything
I wish I could win against them
I wish I could find a way to face them
and bury them somewhere else...
I keep trying to bury them in art
and it just keeps getting darker
distance from those years
makes it even colder still
drowning in shades of purples and blues
pretty like a bruise

Expectations on my shoulders
to act a certain way…
to be a certain somebody…
to me, to you,
to everyone you speak of me to…
I can’t connect to you if you chain me down
I can’t connect to you if you define me all around
I’m not what you want me to be
& I’m not what you think I must be...
I connect with my darkness, but not all the time
I’m free to wander, but I am forced to prioritize...
I’ve got enough things weighing me down,
I don’t have time to wonder why you’re not around…
you can’t give me space to exist for myself
my advice will never be enough for you to save yourself
you’ve gotta be strong on your own at the end of the day…
(& when was the last time you asked me if I was okay?)
I am grateful for the journey.
I am grateful for the times.
but I am tired of the expectations,
I'm not yours 'cause you love me... I am mine.

you're not entitled to my interest
because you're interested in me
most men would call me cold
but that's because I'm trying to be

Got a passion that takes over my body
It’s a feeling in my chest that gets absorbed into my bloodstream
then disappears into my cells until they start to scream
I want to create art at the beginning and end of every breath
but when I sit down to regurgitate all my thoughts, I just need rest
the day got under my skin & the patterns got harder to part from
I got new prescriptions to find parts of myself inside of
but ignoring my art feels like a cardinal sin
I want to give myself a win
without giving excuses

sharp teeth stained
dripping with disdain
blood from my brain
hubris soaked in shame
I am my own glass ceiling
being weighed down
with stones of good intentions

Perceiving and being
are two very different things
And I never know from which view you're seeing
I'm still trying to figure it all out
I don't feel like there's any direction I'm facing
it's making me feel dizzy
and a little ******* crazy
Losing grip; dreaming
where I only see silhouettes
that resemble memories  
Some that I recognize
and others that I don't
Like cigarette stained walls
that I can't scrub clean, it lingers
There's evidence of you existing everywhere
in my habits, in the weather
Today it feels like a boulder on my chest
and other days, like a feather

it seems we're both empty
looking for a fill
like a pill
heart racing, **** chasing
are you counting
down the seconds
until penetrating
over it
I'm tired of waiting
bored again
humidity
I'm sweating
you come with a warning
like I'm coming in with a crash landing
I wanna be the only one left standing
intentionally
you're wrong for me
*** is only ***
when you disconnect unintentionally

You've got me
on a roller coaster of emotions
And such is life
but
I wanna feel my feet on ground

Butterflies in my stomach coming for my throat
I'll never be afraid of speaking up ever again

Been listening to the saddest playlists I can muster
while some have only been on the back burner
just waiting for the next heartache to come my way
it's a shame you never really calmed my anxiety's shakes
codependence turned into despondence and headaches
I woke up in your arms day after day
even the day you officially ran the other way
and left me there still shaking
I couldn't have ran after you even if I had been ready
I'd been trudging through the mud for too long already
and lately I've been forgetting what you feel like
I'm still waiting to decide how I feel about that

when does even love
become no longer enough
to save us

You talk up and down about healing
but all you're doing is hiding
behind your own shadows and shame
life is but a game
float gently down the stream

Do you ever dream so vividly
It feels like a real memory

summer is lonely
without direction
and I'm ******
I prefer living in the shadows
and imagining dreamy tones
lost on auto pilot
foggy days
time is a concept that has gone away
but I still feel like I have something to say
nothing comes out or up anyway
but maybe that's okay
for just a few more days

you think only of yourself
told me we were on the same team
now my silence is my self defense
because it's better not to speak
I refuse to think that's weak
I'm protecting what's mine

Scrolling my phone mindlessly
breezing past a selfie from someone in a bar
on the windowsills I used to sit...
I don't necessarily miss it;
but there's melancholy for the memories,
the smell of cigarettes on my fingertips,
and ***** soaking my worries...
tonight it feels like that could be nice,
cause I haven't been able to sleep for days...
been having nightmares every time I do;
and everything I write just feels redundant
but I've got so much I wanna say...
summer makes me feel more lonely
than when I'm under winter skies,
got so many parts of myself I don't recognize...
but every street has a memory,
and I'm just trying to move on
where bartenders once memorized my drinks,
they now probably wouldn't remember my name....
quit smoking **** in the spring
I'm spending money recklessly
******* myself over royally
I just wanna feel something good

you're like a papercut
a quick slice with a week long burn  
I wonder what you're like
when you're not pretending

Racing as fast as I can
to a finish line I'll never cross
always feeling like I gotta let people know
about every win and every loss
Main character syndrome that plagues me
an ego that has broken others
while completely shattering me
Putting my foot in my mouth
out of pride or jealousy
and when I see too much of my shadow
I'm right back to running
And while strong is a way I'm often perceived
so much of my actions feel cowardly
And
I'm not proud, I want to be
But
I'm learning
Growing, healing

still got me
tongue tying me
me lying to me

i'm walking a tightrope

it started as a beam
until i realized i no longer dream
there are no more bursts
there are no more flames
there's a shakiness in my voice
but it still sounds the same

i wonder some days if you'll come back

i know most days you never will

I don't remember where I met you,
if I did, I'd just want to forget
How surreal to go from feeling so special  
to someone you wish you never met...
I was your decade long conquest, only for it to end in embers
That I use as fuel for my art;
expressions & confessions of another broken heart...
I was the incorrectly sized puzzle piece
to your stupid teenage dream
of having a punk rock queen on your arm
or wherever you found a good place to put me
Because aesthetics were more important
than you ever let on
I was a patch you sewed in
but never ironed on
and it didn't take long for that thread to break
in hindsight I was dealing with more than I could take.
I don't remember where I met you,
if I did, I'd just want to forget
how surreal to go from feeling so special  
to someone you wish you never met.

Feels like I've got something besides apathy
kicking up gravel in my mind's empty streets...
I haven't bothered paving a path for anyone here,
I'm too tired.
But I'm stimulated around you,
got me ******* wired.
You have ideas, and I've got ideas, I'm inspired.
But vulnerability makes me short-circuit,
just a little bit...
I do better with a mask of confidence, I work it.
But I've got baggage,
and with it I carry so much shame..
I haven't unpacked my suitcases in years,
despite my trip being over the minute I came...
and some I never left...
I'm swimming in seas of my own empathy
turned apathy
turned co-dependency...
my love was never present, I'm never transparent
but I've got so much love to give,
and I'd like to start with you...
you've got me staying up late again,
got me howling at the moon...
I wanna know you, more of you, all of you
I want to see what you feel like
more often than not
give that sweetness, give me gut rot
give me those butterflies, give me a shot
you've got so much of what I want
kiss me before dawn, don't move on

will you be a victim?
or a victor?
i won't look into the faces that lie of their darkness
i won't look into the faces that lie about my own
you know more than just the things that hurt
you know less than what hurts me
who are you to say a **** thing
about what decays inside of me?
you can't
because you'll never be there
and i'll never let you in

lying to yourself
isn't forgiving yourself
take time to tell the truth
take time to feel your youth
corner darkness in the open
put truth in all corners to soak in

hate me for reasons you think are funny
i've hated me for reasons you wouldn't think to smirk at
try again and look within
i'm not the enemy
what's got you goin'
zoom out from zooming in on me
i'll forget your name in a day
forget mine and repair your tooth decay
of biting on your words
that aren't meant to be digested
but spit out and tested
your mind needs a new grip
your mind needs a good trip
back off and out
or lay back and pout
i'm not going anywhere

you're not a saint
but keep beating that dead animal like you are
bring it back to life
put those strings on the limbs
make it dance
dance for your world
that you're still so desperate to impress
dance for your pride
dance for your ego
dance for yourself
that's all we ever were doing
spinning in circles around your sensitivities
spinning in circles around what i was doing wrong
i'm hearing a ringing in my head
echoes of your tantrums
when you couldn't respond
only cross your arms
and fall into yourself
where you danced in your self pity
danced in your despair
i'm not the composer of your songs
you're singing to yourself baby
and you have been all along

the dark thoughts are creeping in and i know my spirit's equilibrium has been set off slightly, and i'm not entirely sure how to proceed from here. only way is through, of course, as that's the only way out. what more can i bring you the table if that table keeps moving farther away from you?

if you really knew me that well, you'd be telling people you don't know me very well

reading my horoscope
like it's going to give me some sort of clarity
what's in the stars besides my head

i watched shadows form,
at first paper thin
like the shadows forming on his jawline
and the itch
on my upper lip

he slapped my *** and told me
he didn't want to see me anymore
that there wasn't enough time in his day
to try and make me wanna stay

so i held the door open.
go ahead, I said.
I don't need you,
like a hole in my head

i watched shadows form,
at first paper thin
like the shadows forming on his jawline
and the itch
on my upper lip

the disappointment of loving
always thirsty for the beginning
always avoiding the ending
even when I know it's time
even when their body feels foreign next to mine
I don't have any more energy to fight
but at least I'm not alone tonight

I'd like to think this point in my life
is a period between two parenthesees
a pause for alternative thought to form
& the rest of the story will come back shortly
because I'm tired of feeling this unwell
it's filling up in the pits of me
and I'm gripping on to memories
of when you gave a **** about me
...as if I still give a **** about you
because that's only partly true

I've been carrying my anger
like a runaway bag
but my arms have given out
and I'm starting to lag...
Our memories keep replaying
and it feels like I'm being burnt with steam
my heart ******* aches; it's blistering.
And I hate knowing more about your history
despite knowing you a long time already
I didn't know you very well, clearly
I knew nothing about your constant state of misery
and all the toxic baggage you carried so heavily
that I picked up without even being asked
maybe that's what caused so many panic attacks...
And I see you like the idea of filtering
through women that used to be bordering
on being best friends or being enemies
and how you love getting comfortable right in-between
But you're going to run out of targets,
you're going to break your record score
you snaked out my vulnerabilities, my secrets
and wear them on your arm like a *****.
But unlike you, I know exactly who I am
you pretend to revere women
when in reality you ******* hate them.
I hope you never look me in the eyes again
what ever happened to honest men?
Regardless of the matter, I hope you find the help you need.
Ps. The leather jacket I bought you looks better on me

A million kisses and I want more
just give me six seconds
again and again
Your calloused hands all over me
holding my head in your hands is like ecstasy
If you’re ever lovesick for me
let my mouth be your remedy
Keep adoring me
and I’ll keep lapping and licking
I’ll stay thirsty for my man, for my baby
Keep on protecting me
and I’ll keep flowering
my petals are yours to keep stroking
I want you to crave me
Keep your hands and eyes on me
like when you're thrusting into the walls of me
You’re in me; literally and figuratively
Baby, keep on visiting
we’re not stopping at a million

gotta slow down my empathy
to inhale the apathy
can't take much of reality
who's got time to be a wannabe?
I know all you do is pity me
and I pity you, but secretly

guilt isn't something that sticks
it's something that follows

a wild woman inside
I seem to keep being reminded
it's not shocking that you're nervous
it feels isolating if I'm being honest
i'll be opened
and then I'll seal it
but tell me about your gut feelin'
I can't help it I'm a runner
but you already know that I'm a sucker
you've got me feelin' my feels out on you
& your threads sound dope
you tell me you've got hope
in me
in my vibe
through circuts and waves
****
what a ******* way to behave
show me your years
i've got mine numbered with irrational fears
you can see them in my palms
it's my turn to my nervous

perhaps it's nothing at all
because nothing is still something
and sometimes that's enough
to be something
other than nothing

not sure who I currently am...
I feel like I'm rolling around
in-between a lesson
& a mental breakdown
the twenty-something *******
attempting to be an above-it *****
where your scratches don't itch
& I'm never distracted by dramatic ****
but I am
and they do
I'm not putting me over you
I've seen this view before
I'm feeling stillness and a pull
feeling like I'm on cruise control
programmed responses
to predicted reactions
I'm fine, how are you
what's up, what's happening
I'm annoying myself
and it's ******* fantastic
where are you?

I want so badly to reclaim my youth
without it being vicariously through
someone like you
but rather, a past self
or maybe just a current state...
I wish I could come clean
or just clear the slate...
I've got a bug crawling across my brain
it makes me feel like ****
the other day I took a quiz
wondering
if I had sociopathic tendancies
I think it was just a break in my sanity
and wanting to put blame on anything
because the world doesn't owe me a thing
I'm stuck in the past

vivid memories
burn cruising
lost, stuck wondering
iced over heart, defrosting
every weekend, wandering
finding a new abandoned house to thrill me
finding a new way to create that freed me
I'm still searching
always learning

I'm not sorry for isolating
(people like me better when they don't know me
& I need you to have something to show me)
to you I'm maybe an enigma
or maybe just a *****
both are wrong anyway
I'm just a woman with an itch
to translate dreams into something more
to cure myself of my emotional sores
(lately the ones from you
I'd like to watch your lips turn blue
from running out of air when you speak of me
I know you're still checking up on me obsessively)
& I don't you know you either
but I know what you've made me see
and I see mostly everything
but choose not to speak
(so if you're wondering if I noticed
...I did)

brain won't stop spinning
must be all the sins I'm committing
you've been on my mind all day
want you kiss me again and again
wide eyed
I admire your ambition
give me a fire in my chest
you're a catch 22

I got too high
& had a panic attack last night
you got in my head a little bit
but I'll be alright
continuing to look
at ways to get ahead
intentions mislead
playing pretend
that you're on the mend
without inviting anyone into your bed
******* with heads
breaking promises you give
while experiencing promises broken
we should have spoken
sooner
about what was mistaken

offensive
I know I am
you wanna get it in while you can
I'm tight enough for you to get your way
and finish
so come on down
I know you won't stick around
and I probably don't even want you to
I knew what I was getting into with you
you talk to me like you're smarter than me
it ******* bugs me
I'll call you out and you just get salty
you'll start thinking
this can't be the girl for me
because I'm not a girl anymore
I'm searching for something more
you want someone you can talk down to
I've got opinions I'm not afraid to share with you
stop acting like I don't have a ******* clue
I may be quiet but I know what you're up to
I know your intentions
though most people forget to mention them
in-between the sheets of boring men
and maybe I am to them, too
my apathy is a defense that keeps people away
it's also the reason why no one wants to stay
I keep it inside
I keep it tight
I'm my own ride or die
I run away from people on their knees wanting me to stay
I run away from myself in a dangerous way
keep it distant
keep it poisonous
keep it poignant

I'm breaking my own heart
every single day
I hate myself in so many unfair ways
I've gotta take it easy
I wish friends stayed friends
I wish it were easier
everything gets in the way
and cliques are ******* lame
I just want some ******* love
but I'm a space case every single day
I'm cold and distance and will push you away
friend or foe
but some day I'm gonna thank my stubbornness
for keeping me ******* alive
I'm ready to thrive
just wanna drive
down every open country road
take away something from the old
find a way in to something with the new
maybe with you
but probably alone
baby I've got the blues

Today when I was driving home from work
I saw a raccoon licking it's broken leg in the middle of the road
It was raining
I started immediately crying
No one was going to see it where they would soon be driving
I went back out later in the evening
and avoided going down the same road
because I didn't know what I'd be seeing if I did
now I'm back home eating
thinking it was just a raccoon
but that **** was really sad too
a better person would have saved it
but I'm not a worse person for not
I'm sorry little raccoon

learning how,
trying to get comfortable in my skin again...
a new adventure, a challenge...
with both an enemy and a friend

my eyes don't bat
with your heels on my back
i keep a straight face
when blades take ribs' place
walk over and on
i've heard a similar song