I'm not sorry for isolating
(people like me better when they don't know me
& I need you to have something to show me)
to you I'm maybe an enigma
or maybe just a *****
both are wrong anyway
I'm just a woman with an itch
to translate dreams into something more
to cure myself of my emotional sores
(lately the ones from you
I'd like to watch your lips turn blue
from running out of air when you speak of me
I know you're still checking up on me obsessively)
& I don't you know you either
but I know what you've made me see
and I see mostly everything
but choose not to speak
(so if you're wondering if I noticed
...I did)

he slapped my *** and told me
he didn't want to see me anymore
that there wasn't enough time in his day
to try and make me wanna stay

so i held the door open.
go ahead, I said.
I don't need you,
like a hole in my head

i watched shadows form,
at first paper thin
like the shadows forming on his jawline
and the itch
on my upper lip

you're like a song that's stuck in my head,
but I don't know the words
craving that bliss kiss that I miss
that grit **** I wanna hit
you're rough around the edges
& I liked how your hand's calluses
curved gently around my crevices
(& I'm not one to say I miss you
but I'll say that it's true
while still wanting to tell you
to go **** yourself)
cause I'm not over how you left,
but I'm taking the road traveled less
which involves all my forgiveness
all while usure if I am so bold yet
you're a song I can't forget...
I could find the right words to my memories
but I guess I like you best as a melody
like the one we sang together on your couch
your velvet voice in my ear
kissed & graced by your mouth
I'll remember that night for a while
I knew then how much I dug your style
and I know
I'm stretching this **** for miles
I get it
I'm a loose floorboard in your projects
that burned for you like a comet

i am feeling restless and unwell
i am feeling less mess and more similar to hell
hearing the bell isn't making me take a seat
i'm tired of talking out of my *** to everyone i meet
like i have something to say from my lips
most assume it's all just in my hips
but it's in my hands and it's in my heart
it's in my brain and it comes out in my art

sometimes I want to feel delicate, too
tonight I want you to touch me like I'm a bruise...
look in my eyes
like you could wander in,
cradle my jaw
like it's made of porcelain.
because I can't stop
my grinding and clenching...
feelings of wanting to feel delicate
are never long-lasting...
I'm inspired and exhausted and feeling ill
passions inside me lay dormant still
but have a pulse that's ready to ****
and I'm wondering where my brain is...
there's time still that needs passing
there's questions I should be asking...
I'm floating but not the way I want to,
I'm ready to be free wherever I run to.
and don't think I won't miss you...
you've made me feel delicate like a bruise.
and I've got a lot of reasons to thank you.
I keep gratitude under a blanket to warm up to.

yeah, I've got information.
but not a single dose for you
but I've still got heart
and I've still got time, that's true

but I can never have too much
because I don't have enough
all while never knowing
who even gives a ****

you wanna hear me complain ?
doubt it
I don't want to hear you
but I do

so I get it
what else do you want me to say
I don't always have fancy word play
but I still have things to say
and ideas to marinate in your brain in

meet me half-way

past exteriors and your fingerprints that cover them

if you want to face the darkness
come up to where i am and meet it
i'm done hearing you talk of my darkness
as if you've really seen it
you're not fearless and you know it
i'm so far past this ****, so **** it
i'm not made of porcelain pieces
you were just one of my many vices

wanna be adored
while simultaneously ignored

art to the death of me
and it could be the death of me

you are no holier than I am
and your shadows were always the darkest.
forgiving you is like kissing death's sultress...
and I'm dancing in your darkness,
have been for quite some time,
but I've grown dizzy and am forming blisters
on my skin where lips did once reside...
and you'll never grow tired of being alone
so let me knock you from your thrown
wear your burdens on your back like I do my own
there isn't anything here to save

I’m sorry every single day
and if you can’t see that
you’ve got **** twisted
I’m missing that connection
that magnetic friction
of conversation
interpretation
of the art we live in
the art we create in…
but in isolation
I can only hold on for so long
until not even my calluses can keep a grip on this
can’t say I’m surprised you lost it
but I’ll always wish you didn’t
and you say I’m the one on a trip
you’ve been on one since I’ve met you
convinced that change isn’t necessary
growth isn’t for me
you say
maybe not with your mouth
but in between the margins it lays
I’m sorry every single day
and if you can’t see that
…you never knew me anyway

falling apart,
i'm isolated
eyes are open,
and the truths, dilated
too far broken to be on the mend
can't trust i'll ever have a genuine connection again...
and I'll never let you know how much you've hurt me
you'll never again see an ounce of honesty...
and that's the way it's gotta be,
the blame is not on me...
took my feelings and made a mockery
feels like there really shouldn't be shock from me
but what's to learn without atrocity?
you're misery
and i'm company

there's a pounding in my ears
what a typical subconscious front
to avoid facing my fears...
(rubbing my third eye
to make it clearer...)
(or some other ****
to make me sound lit)
(I don't even say that word,
so this poem might be a front.
I'm really not in the mood anyway,
to try & see potential in the crumbs)
my two eyes see enough
to know when things are ****** up
I'm not down with your "one love" ****,
it's really just ****** love for only one

my eyes don't bat
with your heels on my back
i keep a straight face
when blades take ribs' place
walk over and on
i've heard a similar song

we're all lonely
I can see it in everyone's eyes
in the way we say we're okay
behind years of self abusing lies
saying,
really, it's okay
I know that's not what you meant to say

(even though you said it with conviction)
(even though you said it with dedication)

really, it's okay
I know you'll stop someday

(someday isn't a promise)
(someday is a to do list)
(that will sit under your lyrics,
that are so "woke")
(until you remember
what you originally wrote...)

you know change
let's try to think how to arrange
the nature of my lies
and your eyes
and what blinks clean
I'm not in the winning seat
But I'm already ahead enough
not to retreat
you makes these lists
and you see what needs to change
while still clenching your fists
and saying to not trust you is strange

(while I'm stuck in the middle getting antsy)
(my happiness is on a list in the back seat)

my memories exist
like cinematic moments
of excellence
of sadness
of beauty
of cruelty
in my mind
all the time
I remember every shadow
every shade of blue
I remember you
I still feel you
I've told you my brain is always busy
I mean it and it's exhausting
I'm stoic and vague
distracted like it's a plague
I've been wearing the same old flannel  
for three ******* weeks straight
I want to be good
I want to feel good
damaged goods
but I'm good

I'd like to think this point in my life
is a period between two parenthesees
a pause for alternative thought to form
& the rest of the story will come back shortly
because I'm tired of feeling this unwell
it's filling up in the pits of me
and I'm gripping on to memories
of when you gave a **** about me
...as if I still give a **** about you
because that's only partly true

you're like a warm blanket
that just came out of the dryer
don't cool down any time soon
I want to hold on a little longer
cause I miss you when you're not around
and I hate knowing that feeling is foreign to you
you deserve to know
all the good things you bring and do

rotting from the inside out
the walls inside of me are bleeding out
I'm indifferent to the crimson
I've always told myself I'm content in this prison
but that isn't born from truth at all
I'm a coward with a long way yet to fall

water rings collecting
from the condensation of my beers on your end table
no air conditioning, summer sweating
water rings reflecting
in the glow from rope lights draped across your ceiling
I remembered every single moment from that night for nine years
and it's those small moments
you tell yourself you'll never forget
so you study every shadow
every sight, every dusty beam of light
but time passes and you still end up forgetting
when you never thought you could
you just keep getting buried
but I'll take whatever I can get
I'm glad I had my camera strapped around my neck
it's how I trapped those memories for only me
back then it was for love
now it's for tragedy
good intentions are fleeting
because in mere moments passing
they're already transforming
you're the cat making biscuits out of my brain matter
years ******* later

I've got to ******* shave
focusing on what there is to mentally save
but I'm riding this wave out to sea
tingling waves of humility
sort of unable to see **** clearly
blinking my contacts clean
but not really
dry eyes and yellow lines
you've caught me in your sights
I'm still a little blurry
but you're not in a hurry and I'm busy
busy working and listening to music that hurts me
gotta find a way to be bolder still
less colder, ******* still...
not sure which train to board or what to bring
I just wanna make sense of things
all this eclipse **** and I could care less
looking for something beautiful
and shouldn't that be it?
I want it to be enough
I want it all to be enough
and I know I'm tough
but now I'm boring myself
I'm looking for inspiration and you're not it
I'm looking for an adventure and I'm not listening
maybe I ******* should be

currently in between
a nightmare and a dream
I'd like to move like a ghost in your world

here then suddenly gone
not afraid to admit I was wrong...
but I'm already like a ghost.
you're wondering if I'm still around
while I only linger now

but I left town
and you did too
too much too soon

I sound dreadful
but I'm helpful
and imperfect
don't distort it

make love to an artist
they'll make art
in response to your every move
even after they do...
abstract expressions
of feeling too much too soon...

I'm a sucker for the rush
a nightmare and a dream
is calling me a crush
context changes in moments passing
the truth is I don't do that much laughing
I'm as cold as it seems
please, see me as a dream

honest art
that's what I wanna see
from you
from me
expectations are high
(hell, so am I)
want to be as big as my dreams
wanna flow out my creativity like a stream
make you feel like I'm make believe
(but it's only in isolation that can be acheived)
want everyone to distantly respect me
(and I wonder why I'm ******* lonely?)
I'm a contradiction
consistent and willingly
but most times without thinking...
these new lights are blinding
(not when I'm driving)
(but **** lately has been slick)
crying gets old quick
but it sure feels good
and I don't cry enough
I get told I should ...
more more more
bored bored bored

you **** without a conscious
and you wonder why I'm cautious
but I'm bored with your nonsense...
you've got suave
without the grace
you have no soul
but you know you've got the face...
I'll put on a magic show
and make you dizzy like a trick
let's get in your nasty *** car
and I'll pretend you're not a *****
nah
'cause I've got better things to do
than you
on a first "date"
ha, the **** is that anyway?
and hey
nothing wrong with getting it in
I've got my free girls & guys lovin' it
but let's stop confusing dates with it
because you're not here to date ****
you're here to see what else you can hit
and hey
that's fine
be free & cross those lines
but I really don't have the ******* time
you couldn't handle my **** anyway
but if it makes you feel better
I'll keep pretending you're cooler than me, okay?
you've got a lot of good jokes
good for you on being so woke

I didn't know much back then
I think about it now and again
different skin
I want to burn the memories
take you back out
from in
me
and
you never quit screaming
passionately
but
never agressively
...that was all me
and
I know I was so young
I look back and feel ashamed
of infatuating feelings
desperate
for you to want me
to desire me
because when I love
I do it
with too much of me
it's like I keep forgetting

I got too high
& had a panic attack last night
you got in my head a little bit
but I'll be alright
continuing to look
at ways to get ahead
intentions mislead
playing pretend
that you're on the mend
without inviting anyone into your bed
******* with heads
breaking promises you give
while experiencing promises broken
we should have spoken
sooner
about what was mistaken

I won't lie and say you don't have my attention
but my focus is on my creations
and I'm sorry I don't tell you you're ****
you've got a *** drive as tasty as candy
and I don't even want a lick
I feel like a ******* *****
I want to want you
I want you to want me
then the moment comes
and I'm not thirsty
but I'm flirty
slowly approaching thirty
and I'm wondering where you fit in with me
while probably boring you completely
and you're still here asking questions
maybe you see a fire that I don't feel
maybe you see something real

there is a noticeable silence on your end
maybe it's best if I take this time to mend
try and fix
everything that's really bringing me down...
I can tell it's chasing you away anyhow
because who wants to listen
to the girl with eyes that constantly glisten
wanna sew more sense into my devil's hem
upper cut nonsense with a fist to them...
& I know I'm trying too hard to impress you
I'm biting my lips until they turn a shade of blue
I'm not going to wonder why you're running
because I can't join this race if you're gunning
for something less like you and true
different colored hues
can't always mix and flow
especially when the volume's low...
I wish you'd turn it back up
and sink in your teeth
I wish you'd fire it up
and make me feel less like a creep
I dove too deep...
& still wanted more...
I feel like I'm always ******* things up to the very core
you're a hidden pearl that's still wading in my shore...

Despite my
darkness and
perceived sadness
I'm actually pretty fun
to joke around with
And laugh with
And smile with
I survive
Through my expressions of darkness
Because it makes the darkness
productive
and not
destructive
I am happy
And strong
And have been
all along
:)

writing my poetry to horror movies...
the fear never lasts longer than a moment,
and it's safe to breath for a small pardon...
because what I'm afraid of
isn't in my imagination.
what I'm afraid of,
it isn't lost
in my world of creations...
it's something most people seek
but it makes me feel weak.
I'm not interested in romance,
I'm interested in the rain...
because it's too exhausting now
to think about doing it all again.
I've got my heart on my sleeves
so you can see...
but they're attached with iron clamps
weighing on me, sinking me...
because what good is an anchor
without a distant shore?
what good is falling in love
with a heart that always wants more?
I'm going to let you down

it seems we're both empty
looking for a fill
like a pill
heart racing, **** chasing
are you counting
down the seconds
until penetrating
over it
I'm tired of waiting
bored again
humidity
I'm sweating
you come with a warning
like I'm coming in with a crash landing
I wanna be the only one left standing
intentionally
you're wrong for me
*** is only ***
when you disconnect unintentionally

we are drifting through the tides...
but no one ever leaves
how they arrive...
I need to find a way back on that cloud
find that familiar bliss,
and then I'll just drift...
I might get a little road sick...
the years go by ******* quick...
& wistfulness can be a curse
of constantly feeling homesick
for places you've never drifted...
I want to drift through your sea
even as only a dream
& remorse is a trick...
apologies are a *****...
you're a scab I can't itch...
I could do it all again,
but I can't see the use...
when I don't want to be your lover---
I want to be your muse.

a different kind of freedom
salty skin and sore knees
i'm wondering which part of life
you'd fit best in between the sheets of
the body count fits the thread count
whatever that means...
spending time alone isn't as bad as it seems
but I'm uncomfortable in my own skin
and I feel like ****
not down with it
beyond over it
still stuck in the middle of it
a cosmic joke with guilt riddling in it
can't pick up and start over
I feel years older
maybe I need a vacation
maybe I'm a loner

of all the things you overthink
let it be me this time

talk to me like I'm daft
I'm suffering in my craft
my perception peaks off the charts
(if you think I'm not noticing
I promise you it's an art)
a skill I didn't ask for
I feel intention before verbs
I hear the voice before words
sometimes but rarely I will see I was wrong
only if you're singing a similar song
that you were never taught
and you feel alone a lot...
I get it, I do too
surrounded by people lining every wall in the room
I'm still a vessel in a sea
of people I'll never let in to know me
because of fear, maybe
I can't think about it too much or I'll go crazy

downside to documenting every everything
is looking back and remembering
when you just miss honestly creating
& need to find what was once inspiring
I'm lost in the ache of desiring
not worth conspiring or crying
shameful and painful to still be lying
after all these years it's time to stop whining
where's the warning sign
I didn't choose this when I chose to love you

hard to love
hard to find the time
unambitious obsessive compulsive
the small details are repulsive
reaching for anything to grab on to
under water and blue
you're always wondering what I'm up to
stop saying you want to pick at my brain
I pick at it enough on my own
sometimes I feel that if I screamed loud enough
I could burst myself into flames
passion burns brighter than most things
and winter was more than just a season
it's a state of mind that I'm ready to shake off
where there hell have I been the past three years?
I don't recognize my body
I don't recognize my mind
I'm losing track of time
but I'm on the upswing
at least, I think
I've got to swim, not sink

finally on the upswing
here you come a' ringing
******* chiming
you made sure it was on snapchat
so it's hidden
old ****** tension still glistening
while she's in the next room sleeping
what kind of man have you become
you said we're done
and we are so done
I'm not gonna scratch that itch  
and although I'm not gonna snitch
I hope someday she sees
that she's loving a little *****
a trash man, baby
you're no man for me, shady

I'll never forget...
when I was eating less and less...
when I was doing more drugs than I ever have...
I was told in shock every time someone saw me
how great I looked.
now I only see the shock in the eyes.
it's not heard from the mouth anymore.
I feel it when your eyes dip lower
and you don't tell me how great I look.
but you ask me how I'm doing.
I'm okay.
be careful what you say.

learning how,
trying to get comfortable in my skin again...
a new adventure, a challenge...
with both an enemy and a friend

there's a void...
you'll listen to me
when I bring up my *****
but do you wanna know my dreams?
I could cry streams, you wouldn't believe
I'm strawberries and cream
with shards of glass in between
are you sure you want to taste me?
I'm like poison baby
that's me lately
if you step into this
your legs and brain will be shaking
I'm great at confusing the enemy
I've never been good at vulnerability
I know how to pull you in
and my reflexes spit you back out
I don't know what the **** that's about
I'm offensive
you wouldn't like my folds and creases
passive-aggressive
and fluctuating *** drive makes it all tasteless
past anxieties flooded me
when they were inside of me
I started crying
they kept thrusting
and maybe that ****** with me
maybe that wasn't okay like I said it would be
I use it now as a way of distracting
you from seeing
any part of what's real in me
parts of me your **** can't reach
mysteries ****, baby
keep searching

where did I come from
and what built me
the trees and unfamiliarity
uncertainty and anxiety
strength and witnessing the laboring
from those before me
nowadays there's always some article about something new that's ruining me
allegedly
and everybody else that's lonely
these ******* don't even know me
situational out of context diagnoses for free
drugs and bars and nothing
what's pleasurable anymore
we're teaching each other that it's nothing
instead of looking for the silver linings
might take me a little more digging
but I know I'm still trying
craving a lover who knows how to be loving
but I should probably learn how to be too
I'm nostalgic for when I was younger
cause back then we kept that **** alive
keeping it real while romanticizing everything all the ******* time
& these changing seasons give me flashbacks to memories that are only mine
I'm not sure if the others remember
I'm not sure if they were seeing the same sights
of the chipping paint on the side of the house in golden streetlights
the smoke from our cigarettes indoors clouding my eyes
I still think about you all the time
and everybody ******* else
scrapbook sheets stained and unclean make my brain melt
I'm tired of wondering if you're still hanging on
I'd rather know if you've moved on
but I suppose the silence says it all
you always said I could call
I don't know what I'd say if I did

masochistic, maybe
I like the pain
it's something I crave
give me something new to work with
rip me open
give me new eyes to see with
I feel it
sadness grips me, it never misses me
it's a part of me,  I dance with it soulfully
darkness is freeing
it's a chance to meet your demons
it's melancholy, baby
I'm the melancholy lady
tip toeing on lines between different parts of me
wandering around not very gracefully
not really wondering what you think about me
it's too overwhelming to let that **** get to me
right now I should be sleeping

I feel like I've got a double ******* chin
what a win for the year
I've got a terrible relationship with the mirror
**** whatever it is that makes me so ashamed of my weight
and **** whatever man wouldn't **** me because of my weight
I've got a lot of good **** to offer
so whatever
life isn't about being happy all the time
it strikes misery and I still gotta do my grind
life doesn't give me the ******* at a good time
just for my convenience
life doesn't care about my convenience
or your convenience
just be unhappy for a little while
swim around in your stomach's bile
maybe you'll learn something new
but it's hard to see the light in different shades of dark blue
it's there in the headlights on the highway on a midnight cruise

brain won't stop spinning
must be all the sins I'm committing
you've been on my mind all day
want you kiss me again and again
wide eyed
I admire your ambition
give me a fire in my chest
you're a catch 22

never not reminded of my old flames
nostalgia creeps into my brain so many different ways
thinking about warmer days
I've got notebooks filling up their pages
and another past life fades into the background noise
my brain is so busy
feels my talent is being slept on
but everyone feels similarly
everything is so ******* poetic it's overwhelming
but inspiration isn't self sustaining
you've gotta keep that **** alive
and answer when it ******* calls
I have to stop pressing ignore
I have to stop keeping score
I'm capable of so much more
I don't have time for much of anything else
I'm sleeping in on myself

nostalgic
for the honest ****
bathroom floors in friend's apartments
ten dollar bleach kits
orange tint
drinks and joints lit
feeling it now
drunk and confessing my sorrows
high anxiety
because
things come back and bite you if you're not careful
be aware of what you confide in strangers
and
I'm telling myself constantly
to appreciate my privacy
because I always get stuck regretting
the minute after letting someone in
and
back then
it was so easy
the early and mid 20s
lucy changed me
molly made it carefree
while maryjane remains centering
I wonder what you're wondering
are you wondering about me?
no one has ever wanted to know
why it's hard to love me
they only want to know why it wasn't easy
and then leave
some days it's still lonely
pity party planner of one, no need for an RSVP
I know it's only me
in my head, sort of drowning
wandering antique stores, buying stranger's found things
there's magic in the history, sadness in the poetry
rust and broken seams
take my heart strings
pluck them from me
I'd like you to try harder to please me
gotta turn off these ******* feelings first
I forget where this is going

I'm breaking my own heart
every single day
I hate myself in so many unfair ways
I've gotta take it easy
I wish friends stayed friends
I wish it were easier
everything gets in the way
and cliques are ******* lame
I just want some ******* love
but I'm a space case every single day
I'm cold and distance and will push you away
friend or foe
but some day I'm gonna thank my stubbornness
for keeping me ******* alive
I'm ready to thrive
just wanna drive
down every open country road
take away something from the old
find a way in to something with the new
maybe with you
but probably alone
baby I've got the blues

cryptic ****
that only you'd get
you're not really here anyway