shame is the keeper of the keys
decides what can't be decided for me
I have free will, but shame makes it look unreal
just out of reach, hard to please
because shaming is easier
than showing an ounce of vulnerability
but there's something about a dirt road
that gives me the ability
to turn my lens on something that channels it all
into something deeper that shame can't touch
my art is my strength, even if it's a crutch
my vulnerability flows like an open sea
curls your hair with an air that's salty
you can touch me when I'm there
I've got art flowing through me and the ends of my hair
I want to find a way to keep that state of mind
until then I'll keep chasing the high

begging you to thrill me
because I'm getting bored
no energy to even the score
want you to pull me into a whirlwind
make me spin
touch my skin
feel me like I’m feelin’ you
dance with me under the moon
what game are you playing anymore
if you know you're always going to win
crack the whip
feel it click
make a slit
and start giving a ****

Pretty words
from a pretty face
Wrapped all up
with a slap across my face
You're just like the cement
that broke my wrist
Existing in a guise of stability
that I foolishly missed
Waiting for you to crumble
when you felt any pressure
You're smooth, but reptilious
with too much texture
You're a snake in the grass
who loves playing the victim
A liar, a fake
and you got it down to a system
Claim you're damaged goods
while aiming to inflict some
Get to therapy, please
before you get your kicks
and lose them

everything's different
but nothing has changed
just realities clashing
and life picking up the pace
I just want to see your face
but I don't want you to see mine
you'll read me too well
you'll see I'm not fine
after telling you I am
and I'm doing what I can
but I don't know how to recover from
the trust we had that was lost
I don't have the change for the cost
lend me some quarters baby
I'm a change machine
that's needing some rewiring
I don't want to need loose change anymore
I wanna be solar, baby
just need some more light on me

I wanted more from you
than you were willing to give
but I can't expect action
from someone so miserably passive
even though you always had such pretty words
I remained thirsty for pretty verbs
that I knew I'd never see
but I kept hoping
and
I used to think you were my ghost
now I'm wondering if I'm more than just the host
for my own haunting
that's traumatizing and taunting my psyche
telling me I'm not worthy
all because of the actions of weak men  
that I give more power to than they deserve
once again...
and
communication without comprehension
is a deadly circle I find myself dizzying in
I could talk myself in to the ground
and think I'm breaking through to you
but it's an illusion
just like your truth
and perhaps mine too
I want to feel like I am more than a bucket list ****
I want to feel worthy, not down on my luck
and I know
I'll feel that better on my own
rather than the repetitive ******* I've been shown
the mind changes, rearranges
and I'm back to square one
boxes were never in my comfort zone
neither was being alone
I'd rather embrace my solo

anger is a weight
no one notices you've gained
until your knees buckle under it all
and you can't see straight
I'm so ******* jaded
and tired of being disappointed
I'm gonna crackle and burn soon,
so before you take a chance on me
read the ******* room...
don't give me too much too soon
but don't leave me thirsty for more
I won't wait at any man's door
when they're behind giant walls...
and to lose seeds of hurt in me planted,
I'd need the magnitudes of an earthquake
I want to lose the layers I can't shake
I don't want the illusion of trust
on a foundation that's fake
so rise up to my level and meet me
because I won't step down
to make any man more comfortable than me
if you have an issue with the space I take up
than you can ******* leave

Our northern winter bled on for so long
the green of spring still feels like a hallucination
I'm addicted to the smell and the nostalgia rushing
I'm willingly taking the next dose
getting eye level with the soil
and snorting it up my nose
Because I want to feel this way forever
I want to feel an eternal spring
but isn't the point of winter
to feel what the ending brings?

Spring fever hit me like a ton of bricks today...
I fell into it like it was meant to be, so I'm okay.
I've been dreaming of a humid summer night...
the kind right before the dark takes the light.
I'm waiting on a beautiful grassy scene...
I don't even mind the allergic reaction on my knees.
I'm in the grass, I'm in the breeze--tension released.
I'm a big fan of daydreaming.

it's not the same
the crawling across my brain
it's darker this time
more than it was before
it's slower moving now
with a much darker score
I can't find the direction
I'm a sore soul searching
running through barbed wire
I want to shed this skin and set it on fire
or just re-wire
find a way back to "start"
where the breathing isn't heavy
and there's no weight on my heart
I'm screaming through art
that not many people read
it's okay
it's not something I need
I'm not translating
I'm bleeding

I feel anxious right now
and unromantic
is that a word?
I could google it but I don't care that much
apathetic and it's my curse and crutch
time has me tripping
keeps going faster while I'm spinning
I normally try to be more clever
but I'm feeling a bit more anxious than ever
**** isn't helping like it usually does
I'm aching from the inside out
I want to feel better
I want to feel cleaner
I want to be better
I want to be leaner
of course
who doesn't
I'm stress eating and I wish I wasn't
I wanna feel ******* ****
even if I'm a little more squishy
call me baby and make me crazy
my hips can still swing
I can still make you sing ******* soprano
if that's what I'm feeling
and when I'm honest like this in poems
it makes me nervous as if I need to share it
because I can't keep my creations secret
maybe it's because attention is a drug and I need it
but maybe I just like creating something only to rid it
from the pits of me
open the windows of my ribcage and set it free
maybe stick out a ******* if it's hurting me
but most things I create are meant for healing me
from what's causing agony
anyway
I'm not sure where to wrap up thoughts like these
I'm watching Sunset Blvd. on the tv
black and white soothes me
like a wicked dream

water rings collecting
from the condensation of my beers on your end table
no air conditioning, summer sweating
water rings reflecting
in the glow from rope lights draped across your ceiling
I remembered every single moment from that night for nine years
and it's those small moments
you tell yourself you'll never forget
so you study every shadow
every sight, every dusty beam of light
but time passes and you still end up forgetting
when you never thought you could
you just keep getting buried
but I'll take whatever I can get
I'm glad I had my camera strapped around my neck
it's how I trapped those memories for only me
back then it was for love
now it's for tragedy
good intentions are fleeting
because in mere moments passing
they're already transforming
you're the cat making biscuits out of my brain matter
years ******* later

They call it it attention deficit
if feels like the ******* opposite
I'm paying too close attention to all of it
and I want you to be good to me
I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm craving
I’m so tired of being villainized
in so many people’s stories
I’m tired of the manipulations of reality
for someone else’s personal glory
your life must be pretty boring
And I get it, living is trouble
and the trouble of it all is living
what someone channels their passion into is telling
and I want to be good to you
but I'm tired, too...
And I know
the other trouble of living
is everything dying
The trouble about knowing the truth
is knowing who is lying
but why do I care what you think about me?
I wish that would just die peacefully
I'm filled with burnt out vessels of energy
thoughts of you, and everyone, harboring
bringing in nothing
I want to feel like I bring something
to the tables I sit at
but lately
I feel like I'm bringing nothing at all

ghosts inside of my head
i want them dead
there is no need for this balancing act
my tempest
my stormy sea of a heart
you're the captain of my vessels
you flow through me
but you make me bleed
it hurts to think about you
the frost on your windows
traveled to a new one
warped glass and chipping
I keep getting caught and start bleeding
it hurts to want you
I'm tired of wanting you
I'm tired of wishing you'd want me too
I'm tired of you
I could fall asleep easier
without you tip-toeing across my brainwaves
barely walking
but floating
my chest hurts, I feel so blue
you say I'm powerful
but I never am when it comes to you

Time
I always want more time
I can't get any more time
I want to crush it up and snort a line
of purely time
time that's all mine
I want to feel free and unhinged
and
I love my hair after a day of adventure,
it's dusty, it's musty
the smell reminds me of old books
holding something special within their pages
just like I hold within my strands
I don't want to have shaky knees when I stand
I want to run without loosing my breath
I want to run without it hurting my chest
and
I don't want to be treated like a vacation
I'm not your escape from reality
because I ******* live there too
I’m not something to discover
I'm don't have soil to push your flag pole into
Because I’m just as lost as you
and I've got a feeling you think you have a map
Drink another cup of coffee and wake up
This isn't a game you've played before
can't use old tactics to get her
and if it’s gonna be a game
rest assured, I play it better  
I just want more time
time that's mine
I don't have any more to give to you
I don't have any more energy to try

what is "the right timing"
how can it ever be right?
how do you choose between fight or flight?
I miss the shots I never took
even with men I know I'd never stay put for
and new friends I couldn't trust enough
I was too busy playing tough
we're all fueled on irony and caffeine
on our hopes and our dreams
I've got scar tissue support beams
in between my arteries
I'm wondering how I'm still here breathing
**** was really thick there for a while
swimming in a sea of my own bile
regurgitating *******
from past lessons I never took the time to try and learn
I shrug it off and say whatever
crimson pours from wounds I've stitched closed with clenched fists
no wonder they never closed
gotta hit that **** on the nose
it takes more than just saying no
takes more than what you're using for your thread
takes more than finding beauty in what is dead
takes more than creating something dreamy
it's cold inside my ribcage, I want it steamy
I want you to believe me
I want to break through to something
I want to breathe easy
when I take uppers it makes me dizzy
then I'll smoke cigarettes after the ****
to feel a deeper buzzing
still heavy breathing
I should go on a walk
but I stay sitting
lost track of what I was thinking
something about timing
years pass as I'm blinking
wasn't I already ******* here?

wanna be adored
while simultaneously ignored
want you to be obsessed
and repress
all that emotion boy
don't show me a thing
show me everything
tell me your dreams
tell me **** that stings
you got it
i don't want it
and i've gotta have it

so ******* stressed that I could puke
I'm doing my best and so are you
I wonder if it will slow down soon
I need direction like I need a clue
in finding a little peace of mind
I'm skipping
I'm tripping
I'm falling behind
in chasing what I came here for
in forgetting mistakes
and remembering to stop keeping score
I'm gonna try a new way of thinking
I'm gonna try to avoid this ship sinking
or just go down singing
with every breath
I've gotta grow up and take the next step
in being something bigger than me
being bigger than my dreams
but maybe I just want someone to listen
not tell me how I glisten and can handle it
maybe just agree with me
and tell me it ******* *****
cause I'm just saying, this is sucky
I don't mean to be ******
I don't feel very good lately
I'm trying to take it easy
I'm on the west side where it's breezy
but I feel lazy
while feeling like I never stop moving
this poem isn't moving either
it's babbling
.....whatever, forever

unlearning
to not be jealous
I wanna be happy for your success
I wanna have your back
I want you to have mine
unlearning
to not assume your attitude
unlearning
to not assume that you're assuming mine
unlearning
after learning cruelty all this time
I'm not competing
I'm daydreaming
I'm generally unphased
I go my own way
I’m happy for you, girl
go take on the world

A cog in the machine
A devastated dream

past exteriors and your fingerprints that cover them

is the light really gone,
or am i hiding from it.
accepting things,
for everything.
not changing things,
that can be changed.
staying silent
when i should speak.
am i the enemy,
or is it the light.
(2011)

cryptic ****
that only you'd get
you're not really here anyway

summer is lonely
without direction
and I'm ******
I prefer living in the shadows
and imagining dreamy tones
lost on auto pilot
foggy days
time is a concept that has gone away
but I still feel like I have something to say
nothing comes out or up anyway
but maybe that's okay
for just a few more days

touch my skin
use your fingerprints as bullets
i want to become the beautiful thing that you are

you're like a warm blanket
that just came out of the dryer
don't cool down any time soon
I want to hold on a little longer
cause I miss you when you're not around
and I hate knowing that feeling is foreign to you
you deserve to know
all the good things you bring and do

my eyes don't bat
with your heels on my back
i keep a straight face
when blades take ribs' place
walk over and on
i've heard a similar song

I don't remember where I met you,
if I did, I'd just want to forget
How surreal to go from feeling so special  
to someone you wish you never met...
I was your decade long conquest, only for it to end in embers
That I use as fuel for my art;
expressions & confessions of another broken heart...
I was the incorrectly sized puzzle piece
to your stupid teenage dream
of having a punk rock queen on your arm
or wherever you found a good place to put me
Because aesthetics were more important
than you ever let on
I was a patch you sewed in
but never ironed on
and it didn't take long for that thread to break
in hindsight I was dealing with more than I could take.
I don't remember where I met you,
if I did, I'd just want to forget
how surreal to go from feeling so special  
to someone you wish you never met.

Despite my
darkness and
perceived sadness
I'm actually pretty fun
to joke around with
And laugh with
And smile with
I survive
Through my expressions of darkness
Because it makes the darkness
productive
and not
destructive
I am happy
And strong
And have been
all along
:)

so afraid of being rejected
you're acting cooler than everyone you see attractive
as if that's going to make someone see
something special they crave for romancing
do you want someone to grovel?
egos give only push
and no pull...
I'm not looking to get high
off of you
get on my level
and get high on your truth
show me what inspires you
and I'll show you, too

You talk up and down about healing
but all you're doing is hiding
behind your own shadows and shame
life is but a game
float gently down the stream

learning how,
trying to get comfortable in my skin again...
a new adventure, a challenge...
with both an enemy and a friend

i can feel unfamiliar eyes burning holes through my back, filling in blank spaces with assumptions on how my character can/should be defined. foundation to assumptions should never be the words coming only from one direction, as different sides can still exist from the same

Wish I was a little more present
Wish I was a little more kind
Wish my brain didn’t move so fast
Wish you weren’t on my mind

Another creepy man
defending another
projecting their narratives
to erase the other
Especially if the other
is coming from a woman's lips
How dare you speak boldy!
someone shut her up with a kiss!
How dare you speak shamelessly
about the men who made you feel unsafe
How dare you turn a scary thing
into something with a funny face
I don't need to prove to you or any man
that where I belong is my current space.
And I will continue to take it up!
If you're thirsty, grab a sippy cup
grow the **** up

guilt isn't something that sticks
it's something that follows

I worry sometimes
I'm never going to be over losing you...
you were my girl first,
everyone knows that's true...
and that sounds elementary,
but I don't have time to worry
about how I sound to everyone else
lies are what broke it apart anyway...

& what harm will being real do
rather than being fake
& why do I miss someone
who believed a ******* snake...
over me...
(the snake that so easily
wedged itself in-between...)

& looking back doesn't do any good, either...
who I used to be is lost in a grudge, help me free her...

I tell myself every passing year
a real friend wouldn't let ******* in a single ear...
and lie to my face when I see it in her...
ring the bell, we've got a ******* winner,
of the longest trail of ******* ever laid...
I started out saying I miss you,
but I'm glad you never stayed.
what a shame.

Spent so much time
being angry at you for leaving
I didn’t realize how much sadness
I’ve been carrying ever since
and I know
I’m so bad at staying consistent
vulnerability doesn’t come easy to me anymore
I feel weak
whenever I let down a wall
open a window
or a door
and
no one ever really gets in
if they do, it’s right before they’re leaving
because time and time again I’m shown
that I’m only here to change a man’s life
not stay in it
thirsty for me to inspire it
to mystify it
to entertain ****
help you see what you’re worth
dig into your layers running deeper than the earth’s
I’m not here to be a muse
without reciprocation of inspiration infused
don’t tell me I’m interesting
and then never ask me anything
I want someone to dig into my layers
like I dig into theirs
but
everyone only stays on the surface
they want to observe me
lay within me
take my vibe in without any hassle
my roots are just as important as my petals
you make it to my soil and you want a medal
that’s something I just don’t have time for
Regardless
I still never wanted you to leave
but I know I make it easy
I want to feel safe enough
to warm up to someone
eventually

rotting from the inside out
the walls inside of me are bleeding out
I'm indifferent to the crimson
I've always told myself I'm content in this prison
but that isn't born from truth at all
I'm a coward with a long way yet to fall

it comes in waves. i creep into old habits after i taste the nostalgia. chasing down thoughts after triggers doesn't taste as sweet as deju vu does, and i'm finding myself absent from my current reality. i'm stuck spiraling in visions and past versions of myself that i don't recognize as ever holding truth, but they do, and did. i'm simultaneously trying too hard and not trying at all.

a n x i e t y
fangs baring teeth
f o r g e t t i n g me
fangs sink in deep
...and I miss sleep
**** counting sheep
they're here already
keeping conformity steady
waste of my time, baby
show me what you're made of, shady

Exuding light still from inside of me
Although small, it is but mighty
My icy exteriors make more room for assuming
I’ve got a heart that’s still beating
Looking for answers & looking for meaning

stretch out your cyber muscles
keyboard teeth forming lip sores
don't you ever get ******* bored?

i am feeling restless and unwell
i am feeling less mess and more similar to hell
hearing the bell isn't making me take a seat
i'm tired of talking out of my *** to everyone i meet
like i have something to say from my lips
most assume it's all just in my hips
but it's in my hands and it's in my heart
it's in my brain and it comes out in my art

I’m not always in a state of tragedy, my art helps take it out of me. Perhaps it’s bittersweet to not always resemble what you create on the surface. I think it just means you have to dig a little deeper. Vulnerability is laboring.

I'm breaking my own heart
every single day
I hate myself in so many unfair ways
I've gotta take it easy
I wish friends stayed friends
I wish it were easier
everything gets in the way
and cliques are ******* lame
I just want some ******* love
but I'm a space case every single day
I'm cold and distance and will push you away
friend or foe
but some day I'm gonna thank my stubbornness
for keeping me ******* alive
I'm ready to thrive
just wanna drive
down every open country road
take away something from the old
find a way in to something with the new
maybe with you
but probably alone
baby I've got the blues

nostalgic
for the honest ****
bathroom floors in friend's apartments
ten dollar bleach kits
orange tint
drinks and joints lit
feeling it now
drunk and confessing my sorrows
high anxiety
because
things come back and bite you if you're not careful
be aware of what you confide in strangers
and
I'm telling myself constantly
to appreciate my privacy
because I always get stuck regretting
the minute after letting someone in
and
back then
it was so easy
the early and mid 20s
lucy changed me
molly made it carefree
while maryjane remains centering
I wonder what you're wondering
are you wondering about me?
no one has ever wanted to know
why it's hard to love me
they only want to know why it wasn't easy
and then leave
some days it's still lonely
pity party planner of one, no need for an RSVP
I know it's only me
in my head, sort of drowning
wandering antique stores, buying stranger's found things
there's magic in the history, sadness in the poetry
rust and broken seams
take my heart strings
pluck them from me
I'd like you to try harder to please me
gotta turn off these ******* feelings first
I forget where this is going

Feels like I've got something besides apathy
kicking up gravel in my mind's empty streets...
I haven't bothered paving a path for anyone here,
I'm too tired.
But I'm stimulated around you,
got me ******* wired.
You have ideas, and I've got ideas, I'm inspired.
But vulnerability makes me short-circuit,
just a little bit...
I do better with a mask of confidence, I work it.
But I've got baggage,
and with it I carry so much shame..
I haven't unpacked my suitcases in years,
despite my trip being over the minute I came...
and some I never left...
I'm swimming in seas of my own empathy
turned apathy
turned co-dependency...
my love was never present, I'm never transparent
but I've got so much love to give,
and I'd like to start with you...
you've got me staying up late again,
got me howling at the moon...
I wanna know you, more of you, all of you
I want to see what you feel like
more often than not
give that sweetness, give me gut rot
give me those butterflies, give me a shot
you've got so much of what I want
kiss me before dawn, don't move on

I'll never forget...
when I was eating less and less...
when I was doing more drugs than I ever have...
I was told in shock every time someone saw me
how great I looked.
now I only see the shock in the eyes.
it's not heard from the mouth anymore.
I feel it when your eyes dip lower
and you don't tell me how great I look.
but you ask me how I'm doing.
I'm okay.
be careful what you say.

My dreamland
is never soft or warm
but I find comfort in it still