you sneak out from my skin
my spine
why try to cover up
what is going to soon pour out
you've got my strings ******* in knots

no memory stays fresh forever
saturation floods away
and pixels replace your pores
but they form roots in my spine
and justification for my irrational fears
become harder to reach

i can't fight you off
and you can't forget your roots

problem solving a cryptic
different limbs
warmer, but not quite
textured and scarred
hollowed out and barred
hard to decipher
through all my icy layers
hard to get me to warm up
I want you, but not enough
committing is too tough
disappointing men is my hidden talent
I'm inconsistent
inconclusive
desperately secretive, secretly desperate
to be loved the right way
to love the same way
to trust the hands that hold my heart
for the hidden parts of me I show in my art
to be paired with a free-flowing counterpart
but I am ambivalent about everything
it feels like there's no way of escaping
I want a grand gesture
but I want to be left alone
I want to make art all the time
while listening to the saddest songs I know
it hurts
so ******* good though
I want someone who understands it
and drinks it all in as I pour it
and doesn't choke or sink into the floor with it
I know I'm icy, I'm cryptic
and playing up the part that I'm not a romantic
because if I'm being honest
I'm a lover
and I don't think I was ever yours
cause I didn't want to be just another
I didn't want to be your mother
your therapist, your ***
I felt like a hidden world being left undiscovered
toxic qualities can adapt into healthy lessons learned
but only if you're careful...
my melancholy isn't here to be used for bonding
I don't want to talk in circles
about how we're both sad and longing
lift me up and I'll lift you
keep shining baby and I'll shine back at you
I don't want to be sad in love

do you ever pick at your skin?
do you ever cry for no reason?
I've been barely sleeping
and it's bubbling
I know you want this
and it's exciting
and I want you
but it's mainly annoying
because I'm down and out
and I don't wanna **** around
I'm floating like a satellite
try to spot me and you'll lose my light
lost in gradients and gazes
most memories only exist as phases
cause you saw me floating
and I didn't slow down
you couldn't handle me without my crown
but I still want you around

My trauma isn't based in arguments of woman vs man,
It's patterns vs observation;
Post-traumatic self-preservation.
Giving explanations to my hesitation
is a sign of my thirst for consolation,
not an invitation to argue my trauma into rehabilitation
when you don't have all the information...
My heart sleeps every night under a deep rooted tree formation
that shades over all of my humiliation and devastation.
I may be miles away from where I first experienced my trust's suffocation,
I just need to rest here for a little while longer...
The sun is healing and always comes out eventually,
but I can't heal from any light that's cast artificially.
While destruction to my foundation eventually brings creation,
that which is planted can not sprout without germination...
I'm still waiting for my seed's coat to rupture
so I can spread my roots into the earth and learn to trust her.
I'm rebuilding the burned down home that housed my trust in men,
I'm laying bricks down every day until I can believe again....
That I'm not in danger anymore.
That I can move my body away from the door I've been barricaded against,
long before the break in, and ever since.
Because the punches just kept coming;
It was never raining, it was always pouring.
And I'm still floating in those wells that are shaded deeply under trees.
It's not a challenge for you to find a resolve to...
I'm not looking to argue.
I just want you to believe that I'm trying every day,
that I'm not stubborn in my ways...
I'm finding a way out of the darkness; I'm finding a way to feel safe.
I'm always looking for the light.

You assume you know me deeply
from what I post on social media accounts
while I'm behind glass, pins in my sternum,
like a butterfly you decided to mount.
I'm the pretty thing in the corner
that gets dusted off when you're lonely
I'm talked to behind the glass
while you think of new tricks to show me
You want validation and attention
so you put quarters in my ear
you wind me up for a few hours
and then you disappear
I'm so tired of the patterns
I'm tired of the empty plot
You want to wade in my waters
just to freeze over if it gets too hot
You want to tell me about your demons
but you really just want to whine
you want to tell me about your darkness
and how you think it's just as dark as mine
But you know nothing of my darkness
and you know nothing of my light
You don't know what keeps me rested
or what keeps me up at night
You don't ask me what my dreams are,
don't even ask me about the weather
You don't ask me about anything
but tell me you'd like to know me better
You want me to be vulnerable
but there's never a moment where that feels safe
You're a claw machine on a frenzy  
grabbing hands thirsty for my embrace
and you make sure to hit me up late
so there's no evidence to trace
your actions have become so transparent
it's started to make me feel sick
every time I see your messages
I immediately get the ick
I'm so easy to romanticize
when I'm an aura behind a screen
men tell me they love me
but I don't think they know what that means
because I know where I exist
in your little world that I don't fit
you decided a long time ago
I'm too much work, so you quit.
I'm a layaway lover
and a bucket list ****
You have none of my respect
and I wish you luck

bustling and hustling
foot cramps and comforting
the rest of them, they've got things to say
they're in pain
I'm straining my brick wall back
bending over backwards and picking up slack
ears and empathy being filled up
problems of people I don't ******* know
in and out, after digested through bile
I'm quiet and smile, I've got nothing to show
but it's dark here in the real
can't trust the new
fresh and crispy and glaring teeth
what's on their mind is on mine too
machine minds puncturing plastic grips and tags
add ribs or structure for fake ******* velvet
all these false prophets and gossips, I need a helmet
rip off the gutter gaurds, it doesn't do ****
we're swimming in the gutter already
feeling that spinal shudder, loving your sin
and I kind of want in
but who has the time for opening
my feelings aren't really functioning
but I feel you
I wanna grab hold of my boldness
I feel like reading me is like hieroglyphics
crytpic and frustrating as **** unless you ******* get it
but that takes time
and a comfort that doesn't exist as mine
I need to reclaim the wonders of my grime
I've got a soreness all over me like a walking bruise
putting out doesn't get misused
unless you're putting in
the ******* work
and sure
you could read it differently
but where this is even going is a mystery too
nothing really here for you to sink your teeth into
I want a life filter like a bruise
dreamy blues and purple hues
feeling like **** fits the vibes
everyone around me seems to have a tribe
and I'm wandering and lost, which is okay, I know it
those in the shadows don't need to be told to find the light
because light exists on at least one side even still
it's about a balance and a will
this **** isn't real

shame is the keeper of the keys
decides what can't be decided for me
I have free will, but shame makes it look unreal
just out of reach, hard to please
because shaming is easier
than showing an ounce of vulnerability
but there's something about a dirt road
that gives me the ability
to turn my lens on something that channels it all
into something deeper that shame can't touch
my art is my strength, even if it's a crutch
my vulnerability flows like an open sea
curls your hair with an air that's salty
you can touch me when I'm there
I've got art flowing through me and the ends of my hair
I want to find a way to keep that state of mind
until then I'll keep chasing the high

begging you to thrill me
because I'm getting bored
no energy to even the score
want you to pull me into a whirlwind
make me spin
touch my skin
feel me like I’m feelin’ you
dance with me under the moon
what game are you playing anymore
if you know you're always going to win
crack the whip
feel it click
make a slit
and start giving a ****

Pretty words
from a pretty face
Wrapped all up
with a slap across my face
You're just like the cement
that broke my wrist
Existing in a guise of stability
that I foolishly missed
Waiting for you to crumble
when you felt any pressure
You're smooth, but reptilious
with too much texture
You're a snake in the grass
who loves playing the victim
A liar, a fake
and you got it down to a system
Claim you're damaged goods
while aiming to inflict some
Get to therapy, please
before you get your kicks
and lose them

everything's different
but nothing has changed
just realities clashing
and life picking up the pace
I just want to see your face
but I don't want you to see mine
you'll read me too well
you'll see I'm not fine
after telling you I am
and I'm doing what I can
but I don't know how to recover from
the trust we had that was lost
I don't have the change for the cost
lend me some quarters baby
I'm a change machine
that's needing some rewiring
I don't want to need loose change anymore
I wanna be solar, baby
just need some more light on me

I wanted more from you
than you were willing to give
but I can't expect action
from someone so miserably passive
even though you always had such pretty words
I remained thirsty for pretty verbs
that I knew I'd never see
but I kept hoping
and
I used to think you were my ghost
now I'm wondering if I'm more than just the host
for my own haunting
that's traumatizing and taunting my psyche
telling me I'm not worthy
all because of the actions of weak men  
that I give more power to than they deserve
once again...
and
communication without comprehension
is a deadly circle I find myself dizzying in
I could talk myself in to the ground
and think I'm breaking through to you
but it's an illusion
just like your truth
and perhaps mine too
I want to feel like I am more than a bucket list ****
I want to feel worthy, not down on my luck
and I know
I'll feel that better on my own
rather than the repetitive ******* I've been shown
the mind changes, rearranges
and I'm back to square one
boxes were never in my comfort zone
neither was being alone
I'd rather embrace my solo

anger is a weight
no one notices you've gained
until your knees buckle under it all
and you can't see straight
I'm so ******* jaded
and tired of being disappointed
I'm gonna crackle and burn soon,
so before you take a chance on me
read the ******* room...
don't give me too much too soon
but don't leave me thirsty for more
I won't wait at any man's door
when they're behind giant walls...
and to lose seeds of hurt in me planted,
I'd need the magnitudes of an earthquake
I want to lose the layers I can't shake
I don't want the illusion of trust
on a foundation that's fake
so rise up to my level and meet me
because I won't step down
to make any man more comfortable than me
if you have an issue with the space I take up
than you can ******* leave

Our northern winter bled on for so long
the green of spring still feels like a hallucination
I'm addicted to the smell and the nostalgia rushing
I'm willingly taking the next dose
getting eye level with the soil
and snorting it up my nose
Because I want to feel this way forever
I want to feel an eternal spring
but isn't the point of winter
to feel what the ending brings?

Spring fever hit me like a ton of bricks today...
I fell into it like it was meant to be, so I'm okay.
I've been dreaming of a humid summer night...
the kind right before the dark takes the light.
I'm waiting on a beautiful grassy scene...
I don't even mind the allergic reaction on my knees.
I'm in the grass, I'm in the breeze--tension released.
I'm a big fan of daydreaming.

I feel anxious right now
and unromantic
is that a word?
I could google it but I don't care that much
apathetic and it's my curse and crutch
time has me tripping
keeps going faster while I'm spinning
I normally try to be more clever
but I'm feeling a bit more anxious than ever
**** isn't helping like it usually does
I'm aching from the inside out
I want to feel better
I want to feel cleaner
I want to be better
I want to be leaner
of course
who doesn't
I'm stress eating and I wish I wasn't
I wanna feel ******* ****
even if I'm a little more squishy
call me baby and make me crazy
my hips can still swing
I can still make you sing ******* soprano
if that's what I'm feeling
and when I'm honest like this in poems
it makes me nervous as if I need to share it
because I can't keep my creations secret
maybe it's because attention is a drug and I need it
but maybe I just like creating something only to rid it
from the pits of me
open the windows of my ribcage and set it free
maybe stick out a ******* if it's hurting me
but most things I create are meant for healing me
from what's causing agony
anyway
I'm not sure where to wrap up thoughts like these
I'm watching Sunset Blvd. on the tv
black and white soothes me
like a wicked dream

it's not the same
the crawling across my brain
it's darker this time
more than it was before
it's slower moving now
with a much darker score
I can't find the direction
I'm a sore soul searching
running through barbed wire
I want to shed this skin and set it on fire
or just re-wire
find a way back to "start"
where the breathing isn't heavy
and there's no weight on my heart
I'm screaming through art
that not many people read
it's okay
it's not something I need
I'm not translating
I'm bleeding

Staring
at the empty word document on my screen
Waiting
for a jolt of poetic words that can express
everything inside of me I've been avoiding
But I'm coming up with nothing
empty hands
empty mind
empty heart
I feel censored in my art  
and I don't know how to remove the static

water rings collecting
from the condensation of my beers on your end table
no air conditioning, summer sweating
water rings reflecting
in the glow from rope lights draped across your ceiling
I remembered every single moment from that night for nine years
and it's those small moments
you tell yourself you'll never forget
so you study every shadow
every sight, every dusty beam of light
but time passes and you still end up forgetting
when you never thought you could
you just keep getting buried
but I'll take whatever I can get
I'm glad I had my camera strapped around my neck
it's how I trapped those memories for only me
back then it was for love
now it's for tragedy
good intentions are fleeting
because in mere moments passing
they're already transforming
you're the cat making biscuits out of my brain matter
years ******* later

They call it it attention deficit
if feels like the ******* opposite
I'm paying too close attention to all of it
and I want you to be good to me
I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm craving
I’m so tired of being villainized
in so many people’s stories
I’m tired of the manipulations of reality
for someone else’s personal glory
your life must be pretty boring
And I get it, living is trouble
and the trouble of it all is living
what someone channels their passion into is telling
and I want to be good to you
but I'm tired, too...
And I know
the other trouble of living
is everything dying
The trouble about knowing the truth
is knowing who is lying
but why do I care what you think about me?
I wish that would just die peacefully
I'm filled with burnt out vessels of energy
thoughts of you, and everyone, harboring
bringing in nothing
I want to feel like I bring something
to the tables I sit at
but lately
I feel like I'm bringing nothing at all

ghosts inside of my head
i want them dead
there is no need for this balancing act
my tempest
my stormy sea of a heart
you're the captain of my vessels
you flow through me
but you make me bleed
it hurts to think about you
the frost on your windows
traveled to a new one
warped glass and chipping
I keep getting caught and start bleeding
it hurts to want you
I'm tired of wanting you
I'm tired of wishing you'd want me too
I'm tired of you
I could fall asleep easier
without you tip-toeing across my brainwaves
barely walking
but floating
my chest hurts, I feel so blue
you say I'm powerful
but I never am when it comes to you

Time
I always want more time
I can't get any more time
I want to crush it up and snort a line
of purely time
time that's all mine
I want to feel free and unhinged
and
I love my hair after a day of adventure,
it's dusty, it's musty
the smell reminds me of old books
holding something special within their pages
just like I hold within my strands
I don't want to have shaky knees when I stand
I want to run without loosing my breath
I want to run without it hurting my chest
and
I don't want to be treated like a vacation
I'm not your escape from reality
because I ******* live there too
I’m not something to discover
I'm don't have soil to push your flag pole into
Because I’m just as lost as you
and I've got a feeling you think you have a map
Drink another cup of coffee and wake up
This isn't a game you've played before
can't use old tactics to get her
and if it’s gonna be a game
rest assured, I play it better  
I just want more time
time that's mine
I don't have any more to give to you
I don't have any more energy to try

what is "the right timing"
how can it ever be right?
how do you choose between fight or flight?
I miss the shots I never took
even with men I know I'd never stay put for
and new friends I couldn't trust enough
I was too busy playing tough
we're all fueled on irony and caffeine
on our hopes and our dreams
I've got scar tissue support beams
in between my arteries
I'm wondering how I'm still here breathing
**** was really thick there for a while
swimming in a sea of my own bile
regurgitating *******
from past lessons I never took the time to try and learn
I shrug it off and say whatever
crimson pours from wounds I've stitched closed with clenched fists
no wonder they never closed
gotta hit that **** on the nose
it takes more than just saying no
takes more than what you're using for your thread
takes more than finding beauty in what is dead
takes more than creating something dreamy
it's cold inside my ribcage, I want it steamy
I want you to believe me
I want to break through to something
I want to breathe easy
when I take uppers it makes me dizzy
then I'll smoke cigarettes after the ****
to feel a deeper buzzing
still heavy breathing
I should go on a walk
but I stay sitting
lost track of what I was thinking
something about timing
years pass as I'm blinking
wasn't I already ******* here?

wanna be adored
while simultaneously ignored
want you to be obsessed
and repress
all that emotion boy
don't show me a thing
show me everything
tell me your dreams
tell me **** that stings
you got it
i don't want it
and i've gotta have it

Too cool to suggest anything to
I understand not wanting to waste your time
But at a certain point
you're just moving through life
with a closed mind
And too much pride  
How are you able to have a god and victim complex at the same time?
I'd tell you that you should be studied
but you'd smirk and whole heartedly agree
Then go on and on about being the person who is the most interesting
But you're really so exhausting
Not everything needs to be so serious
If a woman making music and showing her body distracts you so much
then just stick to audio recordings
instead of making it her issue
that you fall victim to
all because you have no self control
Because which is more pitiful?
A brain that can't see a woman without thinking about ***?
Or a woman who openly admits she likes it.
I can assure you it's not the latter
What a woman is wearing while creating shouldn't ******* matter
Your narrative is weak and outdated
And while I'm at it
what the **** have you created?
I'd like to see you be half as creative as the **** you complain about seeing
when you're not even listening
You're just too cool
aren't you

so ******* stressed that I could puke
I'm doing my best and so are you
I wonder if it will slow down soon
I need direction like I need a clue
in finding a little peace of mind
I'm skipping
I'm tripping
I'm falling behind
in chasing what I came here for
in forgetting mistakes
and remembering to stop keeping score
I'm gonna try a new way of thinking
I'm gonna try to avoid this ship sinking
or just go down singing
with every breath
I've gotta grow up and take the next step
in being something bigger than me
being bigger than my dreams
but maybe I just want someone to listen
not tell me how I glisten and can handle it
maybe just agree with me
and tell me it ******* *****
cause I'm just saying, this is sucky
I don't mean to be ******
I don't feel very good lately
I'm trying to take it easy
I'm on the west side where it's breezy
but I feel lazy
while feeling like I never stop moving
this poem isn't moving either
it's babbling
.....whatever, forever

He's like an old building that's decayed. The bones are good. The core is sturdy. But everything is falling apart and in a state of disrepair without the right tools. He doesnt wanna find the right tools, and I can't find them for him. I'd probably find the wrong ones anyway

unlearning
to not be jealous
I wanna be happy for your success
I wanna have your back
I want you to have mine
unlearning
to not assume your attitude
unlearning
to not assume that you're assuming mine
unlearning
after learning cruelty all this time
I'm not competing
I'm daydreaming
I'm generally unphased
I go my own way
I’m happy for you, girl
go take on the world

and here's the thing
I don't give a ****
about what you think I might have said about you
over five years ago
in coversations that were once private
with someone who doesn't **** with me anymore
leave the drama at the door
stop keeping score

rotting from the inside out
the walls inside of me are bleeding out
I'm indifferent to the crimson
I've always told myself I'm content in this prison
but that isn't born from truth at all
I'm a coward with a long way yet to fall

I won't lie and say you don't have my attention
but my focus is on my creations
and I'm sorry I don't tell you you're ****
you've got a *** drive as tasty as candy
and I don't even want a lick
I feel like a ******* *****
I want to want you
I want you to want me
then the moment comes
and I'm not thirsty
but I'm flirty
slowly approaching thirty
and I'm wondering where you fit in with me
while probably boring you completely
and you're still here asking questions
maybe you see a fire that I don't feel
maybe you see something real

stimulated, unmedicated,
always diving into the void.

also known (to me) as my own brain...
its got its own lane.

made of cobblestone,
maybe some concrete,
sometimes it's nothing but one way streets.

sinning in every direction,
seeing every location,
but I'm always just visiting.

it's been a long journey.
every wrong turn is a discovery.
every right turn,
a fight against misery.

but I'm always just visiting.
always left wondering.
I'm looming with inconsistency.
loving me isn't easy.
nothing like sunday morning.

you're not entitled to my time
because you ask for it
you can't **** my creativity dry
because you thirst for it...
I'm not a product on a shelf,
I'm not a diva over-involved with herself...
I'm an artist,
I'm an old soul,
and that alone can take its toll...
because I've got patience that is dwindling
surrounded by entitlement that is sickening
and how dare you assume I owe you anything
when there's details you're ******* missing
you don't know a thing about me
so you fill in the silence with your vanity
as if I choose to give you all of my energy
when you're the force that is stripping me
I owe you nothing
and never once asked you for an apology
because I know I'd never get it
I'm just trying to ******* forget it

**** your expectations & entitlement
to my tenderness & vulnerability
to desire does not mean you will receive
you already made the choice to leave
the first ******* two, three times...
I’m no longer on the other line.
hang the **** up
don’t try a twelfth, thirteenth time
I’m doing just fine

my eyes don't bat
with your heels on my back
i keep a straight face
when blades take ribs' place
walk over and on
i've heard a similar song

A million kisses and I want more
just give me six seconds
again and again
Your calloused hands all over me
holding my head in your hands is like ecstasy
If you’re ever lovesick for me
let my mouth be your remedy
Keep adoring me
and I’ll keep lapping and licking
I’ll stay thirsty for my man, for my baby
Keep on protecting me
and I’ll keep flowering
my petals are yours to keep stroking
I want you to crave me
Keep your hands and eyes on me
like when you're thrusting into the walls of me
You’re in me; literally and figuratively
Baby, keep on visiting
we’re not stopping at a million

i watched shadows form,
at first paper thin
like the shadows forming on his jawline
and the itch
on my upper lip

I was unhinged
reflecting on it makes me cringe
but that's life, baby
some people just make each other crazy

there's a void...
you'll listen to me
when I bring up my *****
but do you wanna know my dreams?
I could cry streams, you wouldn't believe
I'm strawberries and cream
with shards of glass in between
are you sure you want to taste me?
I'm like poison baby
that's me lately
if you step into this
your legs and brain will be shaking
I'm great at confusing the enemy
I've never been good at vulnerability
I know how to pull you in
and my reflexes spit you back out
I don't know what the **** that's about
I'm offensive
you wouldn't like my folds and creases
passive-aggressive
and fluctuating *** drive makes it all tasteless
past anxieties flooded me
when they were inside of me
I started crying
they kept thrusting
and maybe that ****** with me
maybe that wasn't okay like I said it would be
I use it now as a way of distracting
you from seeing
any part of what's real in me
parts of me your **** can't reach
mysteries ****, baby
keep searching

You want to pluck me like a flower but you don't know that I'm a ****

Been listening to the saddest playlists I can muster
while some have only been on the back burner
just waiting for the next heartache to come my way
it's a shame you never really calmed my anxiety's shakes
codependence turned into despondence and headaches
I woke up in your arms day after day
even the day you officially ran the other way
and left me there still shaking
I couldn't have ran after you even if I had been ready
I'd been trudging through the mud for too long already
and lately I've been forgetting what you feel like
I'm still waiting to decide how I feel about that

making yourself the victim all the time gets really old
and I know you're not one to take any suggestion you're told
because if **** got better you can't place blame
in every direction except the one that it came
and baby that source is right back to you
I've got, the world's got, we've all got trauma too
but I don't use it for reasons to treat you like ****
all I was ever looking for was a genuine apology and I never got it
and I know deep down you might want to get better
but you want to take the easiest way
there isn't a pill to take away trauma you haven't faced
you're all over the ******* place...
and I'll be able to sleep at night, just maybe not that soon
breathing got easier without you ******* it all out of the room
but I don't like to live a life with regrets,
I loved you with all of me, and I can't change it
I stood with my arms open to you ready to do the work
but I can't tell you the view will be beautiful at the top
if you're going to sit at the bottom in the dirt
which is where you always liked it
manipulation and mental gymnastics
shattered my rose colored glasses

cryptic ****
that only you'd get
you're not really here anyway

Life is pretty beautiful sometimes despite the *******. As I was driving home the other night, I saw branches illuminated in a streetlight and thought to myself ******* that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It was sort of over a dumpster, but in the area of the sky for me in that moment had that beautiful scene above me. So I guess what I'm saying, is if you're struggling to see the light, just look for the branches that are illuminated while you lay in the dumpster below in a dark winter. That way you don't even have to get up until you get the strength. Maybe spring thaws your limbs and you can stretch out again. Just keep looking up.

learning how,
trying to get comfortable in my skin again...
a new adventure, a challenge...
with both an enemy and a friend

I've been carrying my anger
like a runaway bag
but my arms have given out
and I'm starting to lag...
Our memories keep replaying
and it feels like I'm being burnt with steam
my heart ******* aches; it's blistering.
And I hate knowing more about your history
despite knowing you a long time already
I didn't know you very well, clearly
I knew nothing about your constant state of misery
and all the toxic baggage you carried so heavily
that I picked up without even being asked
maybe that's what caused so many panic attacks...
And I see you like the idea of filtering
through women that used to be bordering
on being best friends or being enemies
and how you love getting comfortable right in-between
But you're going to run out of targets,
you're going to break your record score
you snaked out my vulnerabilities, my secrets
and wear them on your arm like a *****.
But unlike you, I know exactly who I am
you pretend to revere women
when in reality you ******* hate them.
I hope you never look me in the eyes again
what ever happened to honest men?
Regardless of the matter, I hope you find the help you need.
Ps. The leather jacket I bought you looks better on me

you told me it's like
i have sparks in my head
i told you i liked
the way i felt in your bed
but choices are choices
and they're mine alone
it's not about feeling small comforts
it's about feeling at home

Reaching and breaking
a high until I fall
just to get you to hear me at all
I loved you so blindly,
so purposely and entirely,
focusing everything
to our future that I carved out into my psyche
clammy hands gripping ballpoints while I'm shaking
Because linear lines were never really my thing
especially in learning about loving
and what it would eventually bring me
But it was never supposed to be like this
I guess lessons are sometimes easy to miss
I'm glad I was I was already standing
Meanwhile I've been carrying so much hostility
vulnerability doesn’t come so easy anymore
I feel weak whenever I let down a wall,
open a window, or a door...
And because of that, no one ever really gets in
if they do, just like you, it’s right before they’re leaving
Because time and time again I’m shown
that I’m only here to change a man’s life, not stay in it
while they're thirsty for me to inspire it,
to mystify, to entertain ****
to help them see what they’re worth
to dig into their layers running deeper than the earth’s...
But I’m not here to be a muse
without reciprocation of inspiration infused...
I want someone to dig into my layers
the way that I dig into theirs
instead of playing the part of understanding me
when in reality, they don't ******* care...
It was easier for you to stay on the surface
where you could observe me, lay within me,
take my vibe in without any hassle,
but my roots are just as important as my petals
You made it to my soil and wanted a ******* medal
Got into the dirt where it's dark,
and I suddenly became too heavy
I became a burden you carried
while I continued to carry you...
And I don't think I was ever truly yours
I didn't want to be just another
I didn't want to be your mother, your therapist, your **...
I felt like a hidden world being left undiscovered
that you once said you wanted so badly to know
your words will never produce as much as your actions show
because if you had ever loved me, you'd have let us grow
planting the seeds were half the toil
and your roots were never in my soil

Today when I was driving home from work
I saw a raccoon licking it's broken leg in the middle of the road
It was raining
I started immediately crying
No one was going to see it where they would soon be driving
I went back out later in the evening
and avoided going down the same road
because I didn't know what I'd be seeing if I did
now I'm back home eating
thinking it was just a raccoon
but that **** was really sad too
a better person would have saved it
but I'm not a worse person for not
I'm sorry little raccoon

I used to want to live alone more than anything else. It was one of my greatest desires for so many years. Presently, I’ve been living alone for almost two years and I love it. However, during moments of vulnerability, whether I’m sick, experiencing depression lows, or struggling with my anxiety, I always find myself wishing for a friendly or familiar face to pop in my doorway and say hello or just ask how I’m feeling and then pop back out again. I find myself wishing I wasn’t alone more often, even just wishing for the noises of someone else’s presence in the next room, to know someone is near that I know and trust like when I was living with my family. My entire life I’ve been introverted, soaking up my alone time like a sponge and relishing in it. My bedrooms have always been my small spaces of sanctuary for art, expression, meditation. My entire home has become that for me now. I’m so in love with the space I’ve created for myself and I don’t want to disrupt it, but I am always alone now. Maybe I’m not sure what it is I’m craving. I’m working on identifying it every day. I feel so unfulfilled. I used to think I was unsocial, but I think I’m just quiet and reserved. I love to observe and reflect. I love to exist quietly next to people who don’t poke at me for entertainment or answers, but rather just enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs. I’m grateful for friends and acquaintances who enjoy being quiet with me. (And I have them, y’all know who you are, I love you). I think I just miss PEOPLE. Introverted tendencies aside, I have also always been someone who enjoys connecting with others, going out and making new acquaintances, and then going home to enjoy my alone time and recharge. 2020 has made me feel even more disconnected from other humans than ever before. Scrolling social media contributes to my anxiety and panic attacks. When I think about going out and being social outside of my safe spaces (home and work), I feel like I’m going to throw up from anxiety. Imagining someone new to come into my home makes me afraid of that vulnerability. Such a strange feeling to simultaneously desire & fear human connection and vulnerability. I’ve been pushing myself into a dark realm of loneliness for so long now. I’ve isolated myself away from people who try to connect because of insecurities and fear of vulnerability. Fear of being hurt. Fear of letting someone down. I think I’ve let a lot of people down over the years. Guilt is a poison that takes control in small but volatile ways. Guilt and insecure has pushed me back into the shell of myself time and time again. The shell gets old. The shell gets lonely. The shell needs a window or a door, no one knows where to knock anymore.