I remember being told
you didn't want people to know
about your ability to be violent and to keep control.
You said it was your way of always staying ahead
back then, I guess I didn't realize what exactly that meant.
I remember being told
I had the softest skin you've ever felt
make no mistake, my skin remains thick, even in this hell.
And if you were more of man I could say this to your face,
but that would require integrity taking arrogant's place.
And communication can't happen
if comprehension isnt there
and all you ever comprehended
was what you thought was unfair.
But only what was unfair to you, and you alone...
If your actions ever hurt me, it was my fault; why? Who ******* knows.
I remember being told I always felt like home.
You've been watching too many indie shows.
I'm not the girl you romanticized,
I'm not so easily swayed.
I stand my ground, I stand up for myself,
so you were never strong enough to stay.
I took away the fun of your game.
I exited the box you put me in,
I can't be manipulated as easy as you thought,
your true colors aren't really colors at all
you're in the shadows, and bleeding, a lot.
And I really hope you heal your wounds
while you wander around in the dark
I had a light, I wanted to share,
but you can't hold hands with a lark.
So go ahead and find the folks
who you think hate me as much as you hate yourself
**** my old best friends, **** my old boyfriends,
whatever you need for your "mental health".
And tell your creepy friends they can get the ******* my media
Just like you get off to starving women for your attention to drive them into hysteria.
The only time I felt desired
shouldn't have been whenever we ******
I'm a goddess, you're not worthy,
and I wish you best of luck.

You're drawing with sharpies all over your arms
cause you ran out of paper
I'm sitting in the passenger seat
my seatbelt making my necklace press into my sternum
listening to you screaming
about something that holds no meaning
but you think if you're loud enough
maybe it'd start to give you clarity
I can't remember the details of all the fights
I just remember the never ending nights
the scribbles on your walls, the overhead lights  
a portrait of Bob Ross ripping from its corners
covering the hole you punched through your closet door
the bathroom with college boy's hair all over the floor
Happy accidents?
I didn't know back then
how much you'd **** up my head
when we finally parted ways
you practically wished me dead
and that's still got me angry
that's still got me defensively thinking
It's so easy to blame you for everything
but I'm here still wanting to show you things
and it's a gut punch like I've never felt
knowing the cards I was dealt
and that I kept playing
all that I kept allowing
But shame is the killer of everything that is good
I can't blame myself for not doing what I should
there's been enough time that's passed now
I know it now better than I ever could
that you were a chapter
I never should have entered
but I'll take the lessons with me
as I walk through the hallways of former miseries
whenever something is triggering
I wanna open new doors
or leave this building completely
but my heart is the foundation under all the creaking
I wanna feel like I'm being listened to when I'm speaking
but men keep putting me in these boxes
and there's no doors for me to open freely
so I carve out my own window and run wildly
I don't have time for late night confessions
that you won't remember in the morning
I want the sun shining when we meet
so I can be under the moon dancing
maybe you'll join me
Until then, I'll continue my wandering
and my exiting

first real love ****
the memories are always distorted
the longer time moves on
and the more time that passes
the more I see everything different
I see images like water flowing over a window pane
sometimes I wish it wasn't so blurry
just like these photos
taken in reflections of a greyhound's windows & ceilings  
it was so cold outside, even for January
I was with someone I loved
but even back then it was blurry
we went to Chicago on an overnight bus
left from Minneapolis on an adventure for us
he took me places
and I took him
he was my gps always leading me somewhere new
a few months later
he left at different stop while I kept riding
I soaked the denim of my mother's jeans
as I cried into her knees
it's been ten years and I think I'm still wandering
melting down ice with my fingertips on windows
following the blurred lights
and while I know I'll never love you again
I'll always love you back then

Time
I always want more time
I can't get any more time
I want to crush it up and snort a line
of purely time
time that's all mine
I want to feel free and unhinged
and
I love my hair after a day of adventure,
it's dusty, it's musty
the smell reminds me of old books
holding something special within their pages
just like I hold within my strands
I don't want to have shaky knees when I stand
I want to run without loosing my breath
I want to run without it hurting my chest
and
I don't want to be treated like a vacation
I'm not your escape from reality
because I ******* live there too
I’m not something to discover
I'm don't have soil to push your flag pole into
Because I’m just as lost as you
and I've got a feeling you think you have a map
Drink another cup of coffee and wake up
This isn't a game you've played before
can't use old tactics to get her
and if it’s gonna be a game
rest assured, I play it better  
I just want more time
time that's mine
I don't have any more to give to you
I don't have any more energy to try

easy to see
who wanted me to stay unhappy
easier to now be exiting
all the boxes I've been put in by others my entire life
it gets so exhausting
codependency lost in a void
any move I make dictated by eggshells I avoid
but I know
it won't break my skin to step down
because even if I step lightly
new fires start after one burns out...
...and they did...
my wounds are still blistering,
but I'm not guilty
and I'm not apologizing.
if you wanted what's best for me, you'd be calling
but it was a connection made in vain
now drown in your own selfish rage
I'm not staying miserable so you stay comfortable
I'm burning this bridge, turning this page
of the chapter that's never closed
with the secrets no one knows
and I don't want to remember
I can't be pulled down a moment longer
I feel so much strong than ever before
I always knew I needed more
so I took it and ran
I'm standing in open land
with shadows and stars
bottomless bowls and dusty bars
I've got sunshine kissing my skin clean
it's easy to see

Fixer upper
Flipped and tender
Wondering where we're going
Home feels like forever away
And they say it's a feeling
Well then that's distant too

I don't remember where I met you,
if I did, I'd just want to forget
How surreal to go from feeling so special  
to someone you wish you never met...
I was your decade long conquest, only for it to end in embers
That I use as fuel for my art;
expressions & confessions of another broken heart...
I was the incorrectly sized puzzle piece
to your stupid teenage dream
of having a punk rock queen on your arm
or wherever you found a good place to put me
Because aesthetics were more important
than you ever let on
I was a patch you sewed in
but never ironed on
and it didn't take long for that thread to break
in hindsight I was dealing with more than I could take.
I don't remember where I met you,
if I did, I'd just want to forget
how surreal to go from feeling so special  
to someone you wish you never met.

Aurora borealis skies
bruises on my thighs
high fidelity type of ****
sharing the same color palette
I never get tired
of looking at those hues
but only when I'm looking up,
or directly at you
cause I'll ignore all the colors
when looking down on my own pores
unless I put it there deliberately with a brush
covering my sores
by mimicking the stars
with glitter crush
I could have stayed under that sky all night
to try and spin myself a thread made out of the light
because I've got a deep desire
to stitch that borealis glow right into my scars
to make that sparkle become my seams
to produce tones that replace muscle memory screams
Yet all the same,
the struggles teach something
and it's that these scars
are a requisite to growing
and bravery seeps out when I leave them showing
because there's a glow in melancholy
and sometimes, in metaphorically burst veins
because when art comes from tragedy
there's a glow in pain

That never needed stitching

I may be predictable,
but at least I'm consistent.

I've got a lot more to say
about you lately
instead of angry ****
to say about him
you've got me forgetting about the bad ****
got me tapping to a different rhythm
And I'm enjoying learning the beat
you got comfortable
in my brain
and took a seat
And maybe
you're used to people not caring
about the things you have to say
but I like to know what's on your mind
and I know you like to know what's on mine
I'm not everyone's cup of tea
but you say
you like what you're sipping
and I believe you  
You've shown
me a few different sides of your coins
and easily a few
of my new favorite songs
it isn't easy to capture my attention
and hold on
but here it is your hands
I hope you're delicate

I was unhinged
reflecting on it makes me cringe
but that's life, baby
some people just make each other crazy

When I think of memories
depicting feelings of my personal freedom
there’s always a cool breeze in my hair
and when the day is over
there’s a musty scent in my hair
from soaking in every step I took
and every dance I twirled under the prairie sky
I’m always chasing that feeling
my lungs opening up into wings
catching my breath so my freedom sings
but reality soaks through all good things
and the dark side of capitalism makes us all prisoners
a country divided keeps raising up the controllers
and we continue on in our division
petty crimes making up mass incarceration
dangerous men walking free and calling it justice
I'm tired of this
I wanna believe in good intentions
I wanna believe in honest testimony
tears covering up lies and misery loving company
we keep running in different directions competing in the same race
telling those born without boots to pull them up by their straps
while they're licking the boots of the man

there's solace from everything
in blasting nostalgic melodies on a solo drive
these endless connecting grids have helped me survive
time and time again
I continue to run away...
and I always picture the same road whenever I hear this song
I wonder what you're doing
I still wonder what really went wrong
turn up the volume, this road is long...
to no surprise
you were right ******* there
and you always ******* are
nostalgia floods me of that same road in my old car
and I don't even remember the sound of your voice anymore
sometimes I really wish I did
sometimes I really miss it when you were my friend
sometimes I really miss you as my lover too
but things will continue on to their death to re-bloom
and I will too.
because time has passed & I've forgotten the feel of you  
and that's more than okay
what the **** does missing do anyway?
cuts me open again
and with my spills I finger paint
a little dark and ***** is how I still play
waiting for lightning in the pouring rain
gotta stay entertained through the misery someway...
it feels like ecstasy on my skin
purge, pour out, and soak in

Shed another layer, believe another lie
If I had tried to, I know you would have ****** me that night
just to leave me the next day
I'm happy you didn't get to me that way..
I listened to my body, it said not to let you in
and maybe it's not exactly what thought I wanted then,
but I'm glad you'll never touch me again...
Because the only time I feel desired shouldn't be when we ****
I'm a goddess, you're not worthy, and I wish you best of luck

My dreamland
is never soft or warm
but I find comfort in it still

I've got things to say about the leaves. Every poet does. Every artist. Or maybe the leaves just have things to say. They're letting it all out. Letting it go. Crunch. I wanna strip down my darkness into individual leaves of memories that I can let the wind take away. Crunch. Crutch. There's some memories the wind just never takes away no matter the weather. They're seemingly staying forever. Perpetual states of their imprints exist like a leaf pressing that was preserved in a stone. And all I'm thinking is that I need a rake. And perhaps more strength for all the leaves I need to shake off.

When I was young
everyone’s house had a signature scent
I’m not sure where time went since then
but nostalgia can still be conjured up so easily
whether it’s from chlorine pools or beef jerky
crisp winter air can make me feel heavy
mixed with stale cigarettes and a chevy
heavy exhaust, oil leaks, rusting
lime chips and PlayStation 3, losing
telling the gas station clerk my boyfriend dumped me
high off fumes of my own misery
it sure liked your company
but I kept things moving
I remember the fresh snowfall on dimly lit streets, burn cruising
cigarette stains on callused fingers catching on the fabric of my jeans
secondhand smoke still smells good to me
depending on what you’re smoking
I want to forget so many feelings
and relive so many more
nostalgia is so thick lately that it’s seeping into my pores
I miss too much
And not enough
I’m not good at showing love

Racing as fast as I can
to a finish line I'll never cross
always feeling like I gotta let people know
about every win and every loss
Main character syndrome that plagues me
an ego that has broken others
while completely shattering me
Putting my foot in my mouth
out of pride or jealousy
and when I see too much of my shadow
I'm right back to running
And while strong is a way I'm often perceived
so much of my actions feel cowardly
And
I'm not proud, I want to be
But
I'm learning
Growing, healing

No memory stays fresh forever
saturation floods away
and pixels replace your pores
that I store
in the darkest corners that I can find
I wish there were corners dark enough
to hide you away inside of my mind
but those will never be
just like you & me
I miss scratching my nails on your jeans
and missing your kids still feels foreign
but I'm working on things...
And while your actions are the source
of where so much of my behavior came,
I hold accountability mixed with looming shame
I wasn't my best self when I was with you
and for a little bit we both were really trying
but there was so much crying
and even though I always thought it was healing
I didn't realize it was only building
reasons for you to eventually leave
and tell me "you're too much for me"
when my "too much" was something
you were once loving
admiring
and revering
pull from my spine
all these feelings I can't get rid of
I wish for your memories of me
to remain only with gold ties along their edges
there's damage in your lips and mine
I never wanted any of this

water rings collecting
from the condensation of my beers on your end table
no air conditioning, summer sweating
water rings reflecting
in the glow from rope lights draped across your ceiling
I remembered every single moment from that night for nine years
and it's those small moments
you tell yourself you'll never forget
so you study every shadow
every sight, every dusty beam of light
but time passes and you still end up forgetting
when you never thought you could
you just keep getting buried
but I'll take whatever I can get
I'm glad I had my camera strapped around my neck
it's how I trapped those memories for only me
back then it was for love
now it's for tragedy
good intentions are fleeting
because in mere moments passing
they're already transforming
you're the cat making biscuits out of my brain matter
years ******* later

You assume you know me deeply
from what I post on social media accounts
while I'm behind glass, pins in my sternum,
like a butterfly you decided to mount.
I'm the pretty thing in the corner
that gets dusted off when you're lonely
I'm talked to behind the glass
while you think of new tricks to show me
You want validation and attention
so you put quarters in my ear
you wind me up for a few hours
and then you disappear
I'm so tired of the patterns
I'm tired of the empty plot
You want to wade in my waters
just to freeze over if it gets too hot
You want to tell me about your demons
but you really just want to whine
you want to tell me about your darkness
and how you think it's just as dark as mine
But you know nothing of my darkness
and you know nothing of my light
You don't know what keeps me rested
or what keeps me up at night
You don't ask me what my dreams are,
don't even ask me about the weather
You don't ask me about anything
but tell me you'd like to know me better
You want me to be vulnerable
but there's never a moment where that feels safe
You're a claw machine on a frenzy  
grabbing hands thirsty for my embrace
and you make sure to hit me up late
so there's no evidence to trace
your actions have become so transparent
it's started to make me feel sick
every time I see your messages
I immediately get the ick
I'm so easy to romanticize
when I'm an aura behind a screen
men tell me they love me
but I don't think they know what that means
because I know where I exist
in your little world that I don't fit
you decided a long time ago
I'm too much work, so you quit.
I'm a layaway lover
and a bucket list ****
You have none of my respect
and I wish you luck

I want authentic honesty
the kind that cuts me open and grips me
the kind that's sinking
but also triggers hoping
for a lesson or a blessing
for a broken curse or a universal testing  
that stretches out my wings and frees me
I do not want anything that is fleeting
I want everything and I want nothing
I've got a lot to say about some things
and a lot to say about nothing
not sure if you're listening
but I want to keep talking
I want to keep this feeling
it's a sign of what makes me unsteady
losing grip of a controlled reality
but I'm too ******* busy
mostly in my brain
you never enter it the same way you came

Maybe I'm not as strong as I let on
but it's how I crave to be perceived
to anyone who sees..
I want to be seen as resilient,
watch me fight through it
The same old heartbreak *******, we've all seen it...
And the familiar disappointment
of only seeing the red flags in hindsight
This pain and bull isn't sustainable,
but maybe I'm addicted to the thrill...
Love me so deeply you want to ****
The same way loving a toxic man
kills off all of my will
to keep my hands & mind busy
in my own ******* orbit
so I do anything I can
to subconsciously destroy it
And then without even realizing,
suddenly I'm drowning
I'm so tired of getting ****** in
and getting pulled out to sea
victimized by someone
constantly victimizing themselves of something
is just as confusing as it is entirely exhausting
So when I finally break free,
I keep running like there's no tomorrow
And while I don't believe I'm necessarily hiding from my sorrow,
I think I just don't know how to greet it yet;
I don't know how to treat it yet...
Another heartbreak on a list of crass men
that I'm still getting used to the greyscale
of taking off my rosy sights from...
I want to have rose colored glasses
that don't need wearing
but rather, embodying
because they say sometimes it's just about your perspective
so I'm adapting to new ways that I can shift and shape it
I feel it all, I bury it, I dig it up, and then create ****

Love me not
I’d rather rot

I used to want to live alone more than anything else. It was one of my greatest desires for so many years. Presently, I’ve been living alone for almost two years and I love it. However, during moments of vulnerability, whether I’m sick, experiencing depression lows, or struggling with my anxiety, I always find myself wishing for a friendly or familiar face to pop in my doorway and say hello or just ask how I’m feeling and then pop back out again. I find myself wishing I wasn’t alone more often, even just wishing for the noises of someone else’s presence in the next room, to know someone is near that I know and trust like when I was living with my family. My entire life I’ve been introverted, soaking up my alone time like a sponge and relishing in it. My bedrooms have always been my small spaces of sanctuary for art, expression, meditation. My entire home has become that for me now. I’m so in love with the space I’ve created for myself and I don’t want to disrupt it, but I am always alone now. Maybe I’m not sure what it is I’m craving. I’m working on identifying it every day. I feel so unfulfilled. I used to think I was unsocial, but I think I’m just quiet and reserved. I love to observe and reflect. I love to exist quietly next to people who don’t poke at me for entertainment or answers, but rather just enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs. I’m grateful for friends and acquaintances who enjoy being quiet with me. (And I have them, y’all know who you are, I love you). I think I just miss PEOPLE. Introverted tendencies aside, I have also always been someone who enjoys connecting with others, going out and making new acquaintances, and then going home to enjoy my alone time and recharge. 2020 has made me feel even more disconnected from other humans than ever before. Scrolling social media contributes to my anxiety and panic attacks. When I think about going out and being social outside of my safe spaces (home and work), I feel like I’m going to throw up from anxiety. Imagining someone new to come into my home makes me afraid of that vulnerability. Such a strange feeling to simultaneously desire & fear human connection and vulnerability. I’ve been pushing myself into a dark realm of loneliness for so long now. I’ve isolated myself away from people who try to connect because of insecurities and fear of vulnerability. Fear of being hurt. Fear of letting someone down. I think I’ve let a lot of people down over the years. Guilt is a poison that takes control in small but volatile ways. Guilt and insecure has pushed me back into the shell of myself time and time again. The shell gets old. The shell gets lonely. The shell needs a window or a door, no one knows where to knock anymore.

And they say, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned".
You knew who I was going into this, you didn't need to be warned.

hollow gazes
overwhelming anger
off & on in stages
boring & predictably maddening
emotionally manipulating
verbally abusing
I never thought I'd end up dealing
with ******* of this caliber
but I had to learn
how to rip it off and burn
like a tick burrowing in to my skin
one pull isn't good enough
there needs to be burn marks or it isn't done
because you were my own personal parasite
a ride or die I didn't ask for, no end in site
when all I want is you to leave me alone
caught me in a vulnerable state
and called it a date
you're delusional if you thought this would last
there's no future here, only a past
no more throat burning nonsense
emotional walls stained with incense
and you claim they're all convictions
that you just happen to forget over night
there's nothing left in me to fight
months of running the **** away from you
told me to go **** myself? you can too
you need someone weaker
and I'm not her

you are making roots in my chest
that burst through my brain
you drive me insane

Butterflies in my stomach coming for my throat
I'll never be afraid of speaking up ever again

I want to factory reset my heart
I gotta find the hidden button
All I need is a safety pin
and no fear to commit to it
But that's easier said than done, isn't it?
Because being vulnerable is alarming
and standing strong in it is daunting
I'm being wound up like a mechanical toy
and expecting to provide new tricks
You're sight seeing in my body cavity
and expecting it to be a little less scary
I come with some darkness baby
I should have warned you, but you didn't warn me
And isn't that a little terrifying?
Going in blind with someone you think is interesting
not knowing the history of their hauntings
mean while I'm just hoping
that you don't find my ghosts before I find yours
I wanna find out the strength of my possessor
before they take over
Because I go zero to a hundred in less time than most
My brain gets taken over and I'm only the host
While you're still window shopping women
and I'm still window shopping men
Until the possessor loses grip
and I start to feel better again
I wanna find that button

obsessive
compulsive
distracted
explosive
redundant
forgetful
abundant

I feel lost in a lull
that I keeping humming along to
wondering if you ever feel remorseful
but that's like wishing on a star
and expecting it to come true
admirable, but ultimately delusional
I wanna move on gracefully
but I don't think that's how I operate
I'm a little messy with good intentions
not always open to cooperate
with anyone but my own conscience
autumn dives me under the surface of my nostalgia
and I stay underwater, I like the drama
but I can only take so much
before I start to sink in too deep
help me find the surface
before these depths start to speak

shame is the keeper of the keys
decides what can't be decided for me
I have free will, but shame makes it look unreal
just out of reach, hard to please
because shaming is easier
than showing an ounce of vulnerability
but there's something about a dirt road
that gives me the ability
to turn my lens on something that channels it all
into something deeper that shame can't touch
my art is my strength, even if it's a crutch
my vulnerability flows like an open sea
curls your hair with an air that's salty
you can touch me when I'm there
I've got art flowing through me and the ends of my hair
I want to find a way to keep that state of mind
until then I'll keep chasing the high

Pretty words
from a pretty face
Wrapped all up
with a slap across my face
You're just like the cement
that broke my wrist
Existing in a guise of stability
that I foolishly missed
Waiting for you to crumble
when you felt any pressure
You're smooth, but reptilious
with too much texture
You're a snake in the grass
who loves playing the victim
A liar, a fake
and you got it down to a system
Claim you're damaged goods
while aiming to inflict some
Get to therapy, please
before you get your kicks
and lose them

They call it it attention deficit
if feels like the ******* opposite
I'm paying too close attention to all of it
and I want you to be good to me
I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm craving
I’m so tired of being villainized
in so many people’s stories
I’m tired of the manipulations of reality
for someone else’s personal glory
your life must be pretty boring
And I get it, living is trouble
and the trouble of it all is living
what someone channels their passion into is telling
and I want to be good to you
but I'm tired, too...
And I know
the other trouble of living
is everything dying
The trouble about knowing the truth
is knowing who is lying
but why do I care what you think about me?
I wish that would just die peacefully
I'm filled with burnt out vessels of energy
thoughts of you, and everyone, harboring
bringing in nothing
I want to feel like I bring something
to the tables I sit at
but lately
I feel like I'm bringing nothing at all

I've got to ******* shave
focusing on what there is to mentally save
but I'm riding this wave out to sea
tingling waves of humility
sort of unable to see **** clearly
blinking my contacts clean
but not really
dry eyes and yellow lines
you've caught me in your sights
I'm still a little blurry
but you're not in a hurry and I'm busy
busy working and listening to music that hurts me
gotta find a way to be bolder still
less colder, ******* still...
not sure which train to board or what to bring
I just wanna make sense of things
all this eclipse **** and I could care less
looking for something beautiful
and shouldn't that be it?
I want it to be enough
I want it all to be enough
and I know I'm tough
but now I'm boring myself
I'm looking for inspiration and you're not it
I'm looking for an adventure and I'm not listening
maybe I ******* should be

Feels like I've got something besides apathy
kicking up gravel in my mind's empty streets...
I haven't bothered paving a path for anyone here,
I'm too tired.
But I'm stimulated around you,
got me ******* wired.
You have ideas, and I've got ideas, I'm inspired.
But vulnerability makes me short-circuit,
just a little bit...
I do better with a mask of confidence, I work it.
But I've got baggage,
and with it I carry so much shame..
I haven't unpacked my suitcases in years,
despite my trip being over the minute I came...
and some I never left...
I'm swimming in seas of my own empathy
turned apathy
turned co-dependency...
my love was never present, I'm never transparent
but I've got so much love to give,
and I'd like to start with you...
you've got me staying up late again,
got me howling at the moon...
I wanna know you, more of you, all of you
I want to see what you feel like
more often than not
give that sweetness, give me gut rot
give me those butterflies, give me a shot
you've got so much of what I want
kiss me before dawn, don't move on

Uninspired,
while feeling like I've got something to say
Which is usually when I say what I gotta,
in the entirely the wrong way
Because it pours out of me in any way it can,
it doesn't matter how much time passes
or how long I anxiously ran
It's so much more than a feeling,
and vulnerability was never really my thing,
despite the heart I carry on my sleeve...
It's a mirage I keep,
I wish I could show you the real thing
I can't seem to let you in just yet...
but I wanna see what's up your sleeve,
I don't want you to leave

Coming up empty handed
and calling me a handful

it's so hard to not get caught up
from a swift kick of theatrics to the lip
I'm up quick & ready to hit
my heart racing underneath my ribs
my defense mechanisms are instantly steaming
and going full spead ahead until they're beaming
when really I just wish it would all stop...
I feel like I'm wading in a tide pool of good intentions
until someone's wrong ideas pull me back out
and suddenly I'm drowning
worrying
pathetically
about my reputation or clout
in the end, it's **** that doesn't matter
it's **** that isn't real
because
when you die people won't remember everything you did
they'll remember how you made them feel

I'm still wearing my mourning like a second skin
I want to rip it off and jump back in
and feel the safeness of my walls ridding me of my sin
of ever stepping outside of my walls to begin with...
Because it's been 10 years since I've have a heart ache in this way
it's been 10 years since I've let someone back in my heart this way...
Posting on socials about how I'm so in love
and how deep down I was so afraid of it blowing up
back in my face like it always does
whenever I show the world and let myself fall in love...
and it's shouldn't feel so embarrassing
but I'm allowing myself to feel everything
and right now that's part of it
I showed my heart and got it ****** with
This is one of the longer winters I have felt
I am ready for spring, I need it to melt
take your name with it
distorted on concrete like an oil slick

anger is a weight
no one notices you've gained
until your knees buckle under it all
and you can't see straight
I'm so ******* jaded
and tired of being disappointed
I'm gonna crackle and burn soon,
so before you take a chance on me
read the ******* room...
don't give me too much too soon
but don't leave me thirsty for more
I won't wait at any man's door
when they're behind giant walls...
and to lose seeds of hurt in me planted,
I'd need the magnitudes of an earthquake
I want to lose the layers I can't shake
I don't want the illusion of trust
on a foundation that's fake
so rise up to my level and meet me
because I won't step down
to make any man more comfortable than me
if you have an issue with the space I take up
than you can ******* leave

Did you get what you wanted out of me?
I hope you got your fill now that I'm temporarily empty
I'm still digesting all the tall glasses of your misery
that were funneled into my stomach whenever I was uneasy...
And we packed so much **** into 6 months, it may as well have been 6 years
Looking back I see a lot less laughs than there were ever tears...
But red lights blend into everything when you're wearing rose colored lenses
Today I searched for and washed you out of everything like forensics.
And I'm sure there's some people already thinking I should give it a rest,
but I won't censor myself for your comfort because you only like me at my best
I wear my heart around my throat like a necklace
and I think it looks alright on me

Spent so much time
being angry at you for leaving
I didn’t realize how much sadness
I’ve been carrying ever since
and I know
I’m so bad at staying consistent
vulnerability doesn’t come easy to me anymore
I feel weak
whenever I let down a wall
open a window
or a door
and
no one ever really gets in
if they do, it’s right before they’re leaving
because time and time again I’m shown
that I’m only here to change a man’s life
not stay in it
thirsty for me to inspire it
to mystify it
to entertain ****
help you see what you’re worth
dig into your layers running deeper than the earth’s
I’m not here to be a muse
without reciprocation of inspiration infused
don’t tell me I’m interesting
and then never ask me anything
I want someone to dig into my layers
like I dig into theirs
but
everyone only stays on the surface
they want to observe me
lay within me
take my vibe in without any hassle
my roots are just as important as my petals
you make it to my soil and you want a medal
that’s something I just don’t have time for
Regardless
I still never wanted you to leave
but I know I make it easy
I want to feel safe enough
to warm up to someone
eventually

old routines are still familiar
like church services every Sunday morning
praise team practice early
the warm sun walking through the parking lot on me
and afterwards getting out as fast as I can
I just hated the lingering
but I was on that stage every Sunday singing
if I could move the elderly in the front rows
my ego was pleased
let's worship jesus on our knees
I never did bend down

I've been patient since day one
I let you in on my **** since the first run
I was on my knees
I confessed I had to leave
I left claw marks on your back
that bleed through and showed
how hard it was to let you ******* go

I wanted more from you
than you were willing to give
but I can't expect action
from someone so miserably passive
even though you always had such pretty words
I remained thirsty for pretty verbs
that I knew I'd never see
but I kept hoping
and
I used to think you were my ghost
now I'm wondering if I'm more than just the host
for my own haunting
that's traumatizing and taunting my psyche
telling me I'm not worthy
all because of the actions of weak men  
that I give more power to than they deserve
once again...
and
communication without comprehension
is a deadly circle I find myself dizzying in
I could talk myself in to the ground
and think I'm breaking through to you
but it's an illusion
just like your truth
and perhaps mine too
I want to feel like I am more than a bucket list ****
I want to feel worthy, not down on my luck
and I know
I'll feel that better on my own
rather than the repetitive ******* I've been shown
the mind changes, rearranges
and I'm back to square one
boxes were never in my comfort zone
neither was being alone
I'd rather embrace my solo

I've got a brain like an old manor
always haunting the hallways of my own mind
and thinking there's gonna be something new I'll find;
but I never do.
I only ever find you....
everyone...
and them...
time and time again.
I keep my love in an asylum
safe from violence behind the walls I've built
I steadily keep both eyes on the doors
and my hands on the hilt.
But lately, this sword feels double-edged
protecting myself, but ultimately forming a wedge
between me and something secure
because showing vulnerability has never held much allure.
I've got a ribcage like a cathedral
stained glass expands from every breath within
I've got a heart like a sanctuary
church benches filling up with anyone I ever let in.
But they're all fusing to the surfaces,
because I can't let anything go
I've been taught what it feels like,
but I still don't know.
I don't have room for too many more
I've got to chisel out room or find a new door
to make my heart just like a prairie
ever vast and ever winding
with soil that's meant for growing.

Life is pretty beautiful sometimes despite the *******. As I was driving home the other night, I saw branches illuminated in a streetlight and thought to myself ******* that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It was sort of over a dumpster, but in the area of the sky for me in that moment had that beautiful scene above me. So I guess what I'm saying, is if you're struggling to see the light, just look for the branches that are illuminated while you lay in the dumpster below in a dark winter. That way you don't even have to get up until you get the strength. Maybe spring thaws your limbs and you can stretch out again. Just keep looking up.

Textured skin
humans on display
I wanna shed the skin of my insecurities
light it on fire and walk away
ashes to ashes, prices to pay
drowning in societal pressures
every single day
and
I wanna be free from that world
without leaving it
I wanna be free from display
without turning off the spotlight
I like the warmth of connection
waves of sound and light
I wanna be, I wanna feel, alright