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153 · Mar 2017
Untitled
Emma Katka Mar 2017
Expectations on my shoulders
to act a certain way…
to be a certain somebody…
to me, to you,
to everyone you speak of me to…
I can’t connect to you if you chain me down
I can’t connect to you if you define me all around
I’m not what you want me to be
& I’m not what you think I must be...
I connect with my darkness, but not all the time
I’m free to wander, but I am forced to prioritize...
I’ve got enough things weighing me down,
I don’t have time to wonder why you’re not around…
you can’t give me space to exist for myself
my advice will never be enough for you to save yourself
you’ve gotta be strong on your own at the end of the day…
(& when was the last time you asked me if I was okay?)
I am grateful for the journey.
I am grateful for the times.
but I am tired of the expectations,
I'm not yours 'cause you love me... I am mine.
152 · Mar 2017
Untitled
Emma Katka Mar 2017
I'm not sorry for isolating
(people like me better when they don't know me
& I need you to have something to show me)
to you I'm maybe an enigma
or maybe just a *****
both are wrong anyway
I'm just a woman with an itch
to translate dreams into something more
to cure myself of my emotional sores
(lately the ones from you
I'd like to watch your lips turn blue
from running out of air when you speak of me
I know you're still checking up on me obsessively)
& I don't you know you either
but I know what you've made me see
and I see mostly everything
but choose not to speak
(so if you're wondering if I noticed
...I did)
152 · Jan 2017
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2017
you're not entitled to my interest
because you're interested in me
most men would call me cold
but that's because I'm trying to be
151 · Sep 2024
Melody
Emma Katka Sep 2024
While you were looking for more of my skin
to trace your calloused fingers across,
I was still looking for a way to let you back in
after shutting down and pushing you out;
I spent an eternity wandering the hallways of my mind on your couch.
And I don't want it to be difficult; I know it's going to be sometimes
it's been weeks now, and you're all that's been on my mind.
And I know you feel that way, too.
I'm scared of losing my breath, of my lips turning blue;
Because I want to be able to talk to you,
but I still wonder if you'll be able to hear
all the music in my aura that plays so clear...
I feel the vibrations all the time,
soundwaves on repeat in my mind,
I think they'll harmonize with yours if we let them...
I want you to really see me for who I am,
and I know there's a chance you could,
but I'm scared of being disappointed,
I'm scared of being misunderstood.
So tread lightly as you're running through my mind,
please be careful in any of my darkness you find.
If you discover yourself hearing my aura's music play,
the melody will double as lanterns to light your way.
The walls are always building, the halls are ever turning
you've just gotta want to keep exploring
You've got to want to keep going
150 · Jun 2017
Untitled
Emma Katka Jun 2017
it seems we're both empty
looking for a fill
like a pill
heart racing, **** chasing
are you counting
down the seconds
until penetrating
over it
I'm tired of waiting
bored again
humidity
I'm sweating
you come with a warning
like I'm coming in with a crash landing
I wanna be the only one left standing
intentionally
you're wrong for me
*** is only ***
when you disconnect unintentionally
149 · Dec 2017
timing
Emma Katka Dec 2017
what is "the right timing"
how can it ever be right?
how do you choose between fight or flight?
I miss the shots I never took
even with men I know I'd never stay put for
and new friends I couldn't trust enough
I was too busy playing tough
we're all fueled on irony and caffeine
on our hopes and our dreams
I've got scar tissue support beams
in between my arteries
I'm wondering how I'm still here breathing
**** was really thick there for a while
swimming in a sea of my own bile
regurgitating *******
from past lessons I never took the time to try and learn
I shrug it off and say whatever
crimson pours from wounds I've stitched closed with clenched fists
no wonder they never closed
gotta hit that **** on the nose
it takes more than just saying no
takes more than what you're using for your thread
takes more than finding beauty in what is dead
takes more than creating something dreamy
it's cold inside my ribcage, I want it steamy
I want you to believe me
I want to break through to something
I want to breathe easy
when I take uppers it makes me dizzy
then I'll smoke cigarettes after the ****
to feel a deeper buzzing
still heavy breathing
I should go on a walk
but I stay sitting
lost track of what I was thinking
something about timing
years pass as I'm blinking
wasn't I already ******* here?
149 · Dec 2016
Untitled
Emma Katka Dec 2016
wanna be adored
while simultaneously ignored
147 · Feb 2017
Untitled
Emma Katka Feb 2017
art to the death of me
and it could be the death of me
146 · Feb 2021
vintage
Emma Katka Feb 2021
I chase after melancholy
like a toxic lover I'm begging to stay
by the time I'm back drowning in it
I just want it to go back away...
what a beautiful melody
a symophony of strings playing just for me
bittersweetly...
I carry shame with me like a pocket knife
scar tissue forms no matter how lightly you're cutting
insecurity and jealousy is damaging
I want you to need me
while I don't need anything...
are you waiting for me to write a poem about you?
I'm waiting for too much way too soon...
I don't get nearly as lost as I used to,
just a little confused
everyone else remembers details I never want to
youthful while longing for my youth
if I'm an old soul
I'm a pair of vintage dark blues
freying hems just add to the character
but I'm a little too broken in
so wear me down gently
143 · Dec 2019
sad in love
Emma Katka Dec 2019
problem solving a cryptic
different limbs
warmer, but not quite
textured and scarred
hollowed out and barred
hard to decipher
through all my icy layers
hard to get me to warm up
I want you, but not enough
committing is too tough
disappointing men is my hidden talent
I'm inconsistent
inconclusive
desperately secretive, secretly desperate
to be loved the right way
to love the same way
to trust the hands that hold my heart
for the hidden parts of me I show in my art
to be paired with a free-flowing counterpart
but I am ambivalent about everything
it feels like there's no way of escaping
I want a grand gesture
but I want to be left alone
I want to make art all the time
while listening to the saddest songs I know
it hurts
so ******* good though
I want someone who understands it
and drinks it all in as I pour it
and doesn't choke or sink into the floor with it
I know I'm icy, I'm cryptic
and playing up the part that I'm not a romantic
because if I'm being honest
I'm a lover
and I don't think I was ever yours
cause I didn't want to be just another
I didn't want to be your mother
your therapist, your ***
I felt like a hidden world being left undiscovered
toxic qualities can adapt into healthy lessons learned
but only if you're careful...
my melancholy isn't here to be used for bonding
I don't want to talk in circles
about how we're both sad and longing
lift me up and I'll lift you
keep shining baby and I'll shine back at you
I don't want to be sad in love
141 · Feb 2017
Untitled
Emma Katka Feb 2017
perhaps it's nothing at all
because nothing is still something
and sometimes that's enough
to be something
other than nothing
141 · Apr 2021
guilt
Emma Katka Apr 2021
I keep guilt on me
like a first aid kit at the bottom of a drawstring.
and instead of healing,
I make my own wounds worse.
I want to bring something else there first...
but my shame always beats me to the punch...
apathetically indifferent,
thinking too much...
the most passionate affairs burn up the quickest.
ours was a fever dream, & you were the sickest...
letting you go took a heavy dose of misery,
I've got scar tissue like thick sheets across my psyche.
and it still isn't easy...
my misery keeps finding miserable company.
the farthest thing away from inspiring...
I'd be more ready to move on
if I could just stop moving positions...
but my legs keep falling asleep,
and I'm not good with significant transitions...
but everything in life moves so ******* fast,
no one cares that you knew me in my past
you don't know me in my present.
thinking too much, apathetically indifferent...
and **** your good intentions, I knew you had none
there's never been two people here, only one.
I'm tired of carrying guilt for two
I've got so many other things to do
139 · Aug 2017
Untitled
Emma Katka Aug 2017
I won't lie and say you don't have my attention
but my focus is on my creations
and I'm sorry I don't tell you you're ****
you've got a *** drive as tasty as candy
and I don't even want a lick
I feel like a ******* *****
I want to want you
I want you to want me
then the moment comes
and I'm not thirsty
but I'm flirty
slowly approaching thirty
and I'm wondering where you fit in with me
while probably boring you completely
and you're still here asking questions
maybe you see a fire that I don't feel
maybe you see something real
139 · Aug 2022
Notebooks
Emma Katka Aug 2022
I love new notebooks. I like them even more when they're filled. I love the texture of the raised paper once my letters in ink fill their pages. The satisfying rolling bumps that I created. My fingertips gliding across the paper landscape.

But it never gets bumpy. My mind strikes me down first. I need the perfect pen. When I write, I press hard, so I like a steady stream of ink. It better dry fast, or I'm  smearing it. I don't like it when it smears.

My mind works fast, I can't erase ink. Backspace backspace backspace. So, I type. But I want to fill pages. The screen isn't as satisfying and I don't have handwriting to appreciate. I hate it when my handwriting doesn't look satisfying. But typing works faster, and better with my mind. I'll throw away lists if I don't like my handwriting. I'll make drafts. Re-write. Toss. Re-write. Now I can do everything on the list. The required conditions have been met.

I'll sit down for a little bit. I start day dreaming in poetry. I remember the way light looks on your dashboard. I remember your callused fingers catching on my tights in the passenger seat. I reach for my notebook; I want to write about it.

I need the perfect pen. I'll get up and look for one.
136 · Jul 2021
Untitled
Emma Katka Jul 2021
drunk on bridges
off the wobegon trails
dangling feet over the interstate
looking for thrills
aluminum clanking in my backpack
holding your hand in the pitch black
I reached for the stars with you...
trains and planes
stars and skies
water and roads
all through tired eyes...
back then,
I'd lose sleep if it meant I was with you
back then,
I'd lose convictions if it meant keeping you
years pass and I'm still on the fence
my heart still sits in suspense
because I always thought you'd come back
I always thought you'd see me
though deep down I know I don't want that
135 · Feb 2017
Untitled
Emma Katka Feb 2017
the moon would kiss you goodnight
if you asked it to
and what I wouldn't do...
I could not list
& your energy is ******* crisp,
I like the way you say hey
while knowing it's not that special anyway
I'm in a shadow, you can't see it
I'm in a meadow, with out green tints
& I know you think I'm mental
you wanna take me out like a rental
...but, what can I say
I think you've got good taste
you wanna find inspiration you can't waste
but that **** doesn't come that easy
& I know you won't be able to recharge me
135 · Jun 2021
Untitled
Emma Katka Jun 2021
you give me nostalgia, baby
I've got butterflies, it's crazy
you are rose colored glasses personified
you are all the romance I have glorified
and sometimes vilified..
after too many faults of past lovers confused my psyche
too many faults of my past loving mocking me... internally...
while externally, you've got me tongue tied and dizzy
I'm falling into a daze from your vibrato
while you strum your guitar and sing in the echo
I just want to stare at your aura
dive right in and start exploring...
got me feeling sensations I haven't felt for so long
vulnerability usually makes me feel weak,
but it's hard to feel anything but stronger
lately
I wanna spend time with you longer
you give me nostalgia, baby
for memories we haven't even made,
it's crazy
135 · Jan 2017
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2017
i watched shadows form,
at first paper thin
like the shadows forming on his jawline
and the itch
on my upper lip
135 · Sep 2023
Intruder
Emma Katka Sep 2023
Disturbing my peace
I fought so hard to achieve
Reality doesn't slow down for anything
I'm walking through town with a fog surrounding me
noise proof headphones connected only to my anger and pain
trying to figure out how to move through life the same
It isn't reasonable to think I could
because if I could, I ******* would...
Worlds flip upside down every day
the kind of **** you hear about on tv
is happening down the street
And slowing down for processing isn't happening
keep it up and keep grinding
Reality doesn't slow down for anything
133 · Sep 2018
Untitled
Emma Katka Sep 2018
I feel so far away from myself
while wanting freedom from my own mind
I'm overthinking everything all the time
meanwhile everything is so ******* poetic
it's almost overwhelming
a life source that isn't actually sustaining
I feel so many things fading
turning yellow on their edges and creasing
I don't want anyone to touch me
I don't want anyone to see me
I'm seeing too many memories
showing up in the shadows of my dreams
all in terrible color schemes
nothing is ever as dreamy as it seems
I'm floating on aimlessly
sadness grips me, it never misses me
it's a part of me,  I dance with it soulfully
it's melancholy, baby
I'm the melancholy lady
tip toeing on lines between different parts of me
wandering around
but not very gracefully
133 · Jan 2017
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2017
if you want to face the darkness
come up to where i am and meet it
i'm done hearing you talk of my darkness
as if you've really seen it
you're not fearless and you know it
i'm so far past this ****, so **** it
i'm not made of porcelain pieces
you were just one of my many vices
133 · Oct 2022
A story about a house
Emma Katka Oct 2022
The house was white, paint chipping away, of course, with a wrap-around front porch with moss lining the edges. It can be seen from the road distantly... but to get to it is a little complicated... needed to park on a side road about a mile away.... only way to get to it was by hiking 1/2 a mile to a creek where there is a broken "once was" bridge that is broken in half that you have to jump across to cross the creek, and once you cross the creek, around the corner moving right, or west in this case, up the hill.... is where it sat surrounded by trees. It was beautiful approaching the home.... I have nostalgia about the smell of the air and the walk through the grass up the hill to get to it. I also remember my first step on the moss. I can't explain it rationally, but almost immediately upon my foot touching the moss on the porch, anxiety flooded through me, like a sudden panic... you know, as if you've fallen off your bike or bed, or tripped on a rug that was curled slightly from someone else tripping over it before you were there... I brushed it off and considered it to be the adrenaline I seek by exploring these houses and continued through the front door. I entered the kitchen first. There was a mirror on the far wall with a small sink under it. There was a very old razor with a bottle of shaving cream next to it. They were both rusty. I kept walking. I entered the living room. The walls were salmon. The sun shining through the windows and bouncing off of the salmon colored walls and floor and ceiling made horrible lighting in my photographs. I tried for a couple self portraits and wasn't satisfied and couldn't focus. I was anxious. I kept exploring. I found the staircase to go upstairs. More anxiety. My chest hurt at this point. But I continued up the stairs slowly and with shaky legs. My friend behind me was whispering that she didn't want to go upstairs. I can barely hear her. I feel like I'm underwater. She's still afraid. I'm still anxious. The walk up the stairs feels like it's taking me an hour to complete. Everything is in slow motion. She is gripping on my sweater and I'm still shaking. I make it to the top step. I'm facing a window immediately. Everything outside looks black and white but I know in my mind it's green. I keep telling myself "that's green" as I stared at the grass out the warped window and it wasn't changing color. I feel like I am walking through mud as I turn around to face the upstairs room. My friend is walking back downstairs. I'm hearing her in slow motion screaming "**** this, something is ******* weird here i'm going outside". As she is leaving I'm seeing what I'm seeing.... the far wall of the room is covered in black mold... beyond reason it is covered from corner to corner seeping to the connecting walls like they were hundreds of outstretched dark arms waiting to pull me into an abyss. Everything is still black and white. I feel the warmth of someone breathing heavily on my ear. Distinctly, I hear a growl. I feel the vibrations of an angry, sinister, evil growl, and I can't explain it. I can't explain a **** thing. But it was there. It was felt. It was real. And it was ******* crazy. I ran down the stairs and fell on my way down and scraped my knee up pretty bad. After that, all I remember is that the very moment I put my foot on the grass, and was off the mossy front porch, I was seeing color again.
133 · Sep 2019
Untitled
Emma Katka Sep 2019
Ingrained in me, stuck with me.
The darkness never really leaves.
It hides until it starts to bleed.
An old friend returning dramatically.
Traumatically.
Bold as can be.
The company longed for by misery.
I’ve become less afraid of it lately.
It’s hiding.
The sun is shining.
I can make it out to the other side fine then.
Just keep finding the light.
132 · Dec 2021
Embers
Emma Katka Dec 2021
Holding on to the embers from the pit that became our home
Even while they burn me I can't seem to let go
The foundation we built was sand and not stone
I loved you more than you'll ever know
131 · Apr 2020
Chasing Butterflies
Emma Katka Apr 2020
When I was young, my bedroom was butterfly themed. My mom painted white butterflies on my lilac colored walls. The color matched so well with my mesh butterfly lamp, butterfly picture frames, and butterfly bedspread full of colors of greens, yellow, purples & pinks. My dad has always said it's like I'm chasing butterflies in my head. Having been diagnosed ADD some time ago, this makes a little bit of comical sense. And although I have grown out of, or into, many things from my childhood, I'm definitely still chasing butterflies, same as always.
130 · Feb 2020
Untitled
Emma Katka Feb 2020
you're like a papercut
a quick slice with a week long burn  
I wonder what you're like
when you're not pretending
129 · Dec 2018
Untitled
Emma Katka Dec 2018
learning how,
trying to get comfortable in my skin again...
a new adventure, a challenge...
with both an enemy and a friend
127 · May 2022
conditions
Emma Katka May 2022
I blame it on my traits, my conditions
but it's really got me wishing
I didn't gotta deal with it all some days
plenty of people with good talent & good taste
getting washed up, burnt out, & put to waste
depression that stay for days
always feeling like I'm running out of time
and taking up too much space
in the land of the free
land of me, me, me
everyone's hearing
but no one's really listening
the land
of demanding
consideration
from those who consider no one
land of the free, but only for some
doesn't feel like one
self aware sinkholes
getting angry from internet trolls
easy to spark passion in me
easy for me to **** it up & do something embarrassing
I'm feeling burnt out
pushing through, that's what it's all about
resilience is a compliment only when I'm in the thick of it
when I catch my breath, I don't wanna hear it
gimme some deeper validation
I've been riding off of fumes of my passion
I wanna feel a little less intense
but I blame it on my traits, my conditions  
they make things such a mess
but
shifting the way I see it
always makes it easier to live with
I'm not a mess from another perspective
I think I'm different
just like you
126 · Apr 2023
light steps
Emma Katka Apr 2023
walking barefoot
in between changes of scenery
ribs that creak like floorboards,
and I wonder if you hear me
I'm sorry if I'm disturbing,
I'm not accustomed to doing the haunting
I want to stay a little longer if you'll let me
before it all starts disappearing
125 · Jul 2023
Untitled
Emma Katka Jul 2023
Make sure you've made the time
Get enough sleep and exercise  
Swallow all that sadness
bring yourself to the surface and start to move
You've done so much already,
but you've got a lot more to prove
Make sure you're making enough money
you look great in shades resembling exploiting
Fit in, get along, don't rock the boat
the water is frozen, so don't forget your coat
but make sure it flatters your figure
I don't know how to swim
but somehow I'm still here wading
while others are nearly drowning
sadness and anger register in my brain just the same
I can't keep acting like it's not driving me insane
I just need more time
124 · Feb 2023
Spring Fever
Emma Katka Feb 2023
Spring fever hit me like a ton of bricks today...
I fell into it like it was meant to be, so I'm okay.
I've been dreaming of a humid summer night...
the kind right before the dark takes the light.
I'm waiting on a beautiful grassy scene...
I don't even mind the allergic reaction on my knees.
I'm in the grass, I'm in the breeze--tension released.
I'm a big fan of daydreaming.
123 · Apr 2022
Dry
Emma Katka Apr 2022
Dry
You don't want a partner,
you want to punish your mother.
Go ahead big guy,
bring it out on your lover!
Then wail afterwards that's its just another
crazy ex-girlfriend that you couldn't control...
You threw at me videos, podcasts, and quotes,
and claimed you knew so much more, so woke!
The anxious attachment dogma fit you like a glove,
but only to mesh with excuses that you love...
And you dropped them everywhere constantly,
every bad treatment towards me
was because of something once traumatizing
while telling me I need to keep
all of my trauma in the ring
because you didn't have time for a ******* thing.
I couldn't afford any more parts of myself to give.
So you chewed me up, spit me out
mixed in with your pride & half-assed will to live
Expecting others to rise to a level
that you're drowning under in your own *******
the same **** you're waist deep and wading in
all while thinking you're on dry land
condemning everyone to move from the spot in which you stand.
Because you didn't want a partner
you wanted a mother figure, turned into a lover
that you could smother, then suddenly leave.
Someone you could trigger, then bereave.
Never holding yourself accountable
for a ******* ******* thing
adding insult to injury
as long as you're living
122 · Apr 2023
Melancholy Stoned
Emma Katka Apr 2023
I use melancholy like currency
it's the cost of creating what my mouth can't mutter
and then I'm ready for another hit
back swimming in beautiful, sparkling gutters
and I know I can't claim this feeling,
I just know what it means to me
and I want to feel seen
but I'm still wondering if you even hear me
so give me more melancholy
give me enough of it,
and my creations are practically screaming
if you know how to speak the language of my art
you'd know my heart
and while I haven't figured out a way to translate it
I think some might get it
and perhaps that's enough for me to keep going
I just need another hit
122 · Feb 2021
Untitled
Emma Katka Feb 2021
first real love ****
the memories are always distorted
the longer time moves on
and the more time that passes
the more I see everything different
I see images like water flowing over a window pane
sometimes I wish it wasn't so blurry
just like these photos
taken in reflections of a greyhound's windows & ceilings  
it was so cold outside, even for January
I was with someone I loved
but even back then it was blurry
we went to Chicago on an overnight bus
left from Minneapolis on an adventure for us
he took me places
and I took him
he was my gps always leading me somewhere new
a few months later
he left at different stop while I kept riding
I soaked the denim of my mother's jeans
as I cried into her knees
it's been ten years and I think I'm still wandering
melting down ice with my fingertips on windows
following the blurred lights
and while I know I'll never love you again
I'll always love you back then
122 · Apr 2023
New Apt
Emma Katka Apr 2023
White walls and grey cupboards
old wood frames and rubber stoppers
I'm in a new state of mind
In a new environment, but it's all mine
I'm ready to start something new
I'm thirsty and need to fill my cup
it's open in every single direction
and I'm only looking up
Cause I'm not ready to start spinning
and finding my footing
only when my face smashes into the ground
I'm just focusing on the walls around me
and learning their sounds
I'm finding my groove
after some pretty big moves
I'm learning my speed
slowly
surely
121 · Sep 2022
Untitled
Emma Katka Sep 2022
Fixer upper
Flipped and tender
Wondering where we're going
Home feels like forever away
And they say it's a feeling
Well then that's distant too
121 · Jun 2020
first
Emma Katka Jun 2020
toxic fumes exuding neater
chapped lips and sterling silver
my love is a broken heater
frosted tips on a heart breaker
balancing ledges over trenches on a gold digger
lighting the match but not pulling the trigger
so get into the depths of it if you're thirsty
I'm on the opposite end of the first me
but lessons aren't always learned pretty...
then in comes symmetry, deja vu city
the mirror glass keeps getting *****
golden hour rear window views are blinding
lost in nostalgic melodies while crying
it's all so overwhelming sometimes...
but I love the melancholy;
if I could, I'd mix it right in to my coffee
I want to re-learn a little vulnerability,
but that always tastes bittersweet
120 · Oct 2021
Untitled
Emma Katka Oct 2021
I want authentic honesty
the kind that cuts me open and grips me
the kind that's sinking
but also triggers hoping
for a lesson or a blessing
for a broken curse or a universal testing  
that stretches out my wings and frees me
I do not want anything that is fleeting
I want everything and I want nothing
I've got a lot to say about some things
and a lot to say about nothing
not sure if you're listening
but I want to keep talking
I want to keep this feeling
it's a sign of what makes me unsteady
losing grip of a controlled reality
but I'm too ******* busy
mostly in my brain
you never enter it the same way you came
119 · Mar 2023
Cuffing Season
Emma Katka Mar 2023
Sold my soul for a warm body to lay next to
some call that codependence
I call it no direction
after a season of depression
falling head straight in to the dirt
and into the arms of whoever grabs you first
cuffing season is definitely a thrill
where we're all out for the ****
we want it all to stay the same
we can't accept everything's changed
on the other side of the darkness
why did I think anyone would be there waiting
I'm not the only one who's changing
118 · Jan 2021
Untitled
Emma Katka Jan 2021
When I was young
everyone’s house had a signature scent
I’m not sure where time went since then
but nostalgia can still be conjured up so easily
whether it’s from chlorine pools or beef jerky
crisp winter air can make me feel heavy
mixed with stale cigarettes and a chevy
heavy exhaust, oil leaks, rusting
lime chips and PlayStation 3, losing
telling the gas station clerk my boyfriend dumped me
high off fumes of my own misery
it sure liked your company
but I kept things moving
I remember the fresh snowfall on dimly lit streets, burn cruising
cigarette stains on callused fingers catching on the fabric of my jeans
secondhand smoke still smells good to me
depending on what you’re smoking
I want to forget so many feelings
and relive so many more
nostalgia is so thick lately that it’s seeping into my pores
I miss too much
And not enough
I’m not good at showing love
118 · Jun 2023
Blame Game
Emma Katka Jun 2023
How can anyone love you
if you don't love yourself?
That's the **** they say
when someone's self hatred is getting in the way
of everyone else having a good time
I'm sorry I'm feeling so down
I wanna love myself more
but I don't think I gotta do that first to be deserving
so I stopped showing, I stopped going
and now I'm a little too used to isolating
I'm trying to find small steps towards changing
it's marathon not a race
but I still feel like all I can do is sprint
if it isn't happening over night, I'm not in it
and that's a cop out from reality
good things take time, but I'm hungry
I want to taste the change instantly
just blame it on my ADHD
117 · Feb 2023
Untitled
Emma Katka Feb 2023
My dreamland
is never soft or warm
but I find comfort in it still
117 · Jan 2022
2019
Emma Katka Jan 2022
I like listening to albums
when the artist was at their saddest
cut me open again
I glisten in it too
I just wish I could stop being so angry all the time
and see the art in it all like I did back then
I already know the direction you're going
I don't think there's room for my growing there
but I want to be anywhere but here
I feel like I'm thousands of miles away from you
even in the same room
I'm the distant lover you've never wanted
and here you are
wanting me
I like your attitude
***** grips
**** talking past *******
retro vibes echoing under bridges
frost bite on my eyelids
**** I'm tired of feeling so ******* cold
you're gonna blister and burn if you kiss me again
combine my passion with a lack of attention
I'm gonna confuse you and let you down
everything that's ever been
has only been broken
fragments seen again in the small moments
where it all reminds me of everything all over again
nostalgia is a drug and my hibernation den
and I've been trying to write all ******* night
I keep trailing off
thinking about smeared eyeliner and chapped lips
your hands gripping my hips
it's a good time until you can't get me there
I want you here
I just like to feel you inside
I'll take myself on the ride
if you're there to drive
just don't ask me where we're going
I see your soul showing
mine's still hiding
and I'm a sucker for your charms
I like how I feel when I'm in your arms
but I wanna feel that way in my own first
hard to do when I'm dying of thirst
for a little heat in my chest again
or at the least some ******* condensation
melt me down a little more
see what all the old heartbreaks were for
what else do I have to lose
116 · Jul 2021
Untitled
Emma Katka Jul 2021
hollow gazes
overwhelming anger
off & on in stages
boring & predictably maddening
emotionally manipulating
verbally abusing
I never thought I'd end up dealing
with ******* of this caliber
but I had to learn
how to rip it off and burn
like a tick burrowing in to my skin
one pull isn't good enough
there needs to be burn marks or it isn't done
because you were my own personal parasite
a ride or die I didn't ask for, no end in site
when all I want is you to leave me alone
caught me in a vulnerable state
and called it a date
you're delusional if you thought this would last
there's no future here, only a past
no more throat burning nonsense
emotional walls stained with incense
and you claim they're all convictions
that you just happen to forget over night
there's nothing left in me to fight
months of running the **** away from you
told me to go **** myself? you can too
you need someone weaker
and I'm not her
115 · Mar 2021
strapped
Emma Katka Mar 2021
water rings collecting
from the condensation of my beers on your end table
no air conditioning, summer sweating
water rings reflecting
in the glow from rope lights draped across your ceiling
I remembered every single moment from that night for nine years
and it's those small moments
you tell yourself you'll never forget
so you study every shadow
every sight, every dusty beam of light
but time passes and you still end up forgetting
when you never thought you could
you just keep getting buried
but I'll take whatever I can get
I'm glad I had my camera strapped around my neck
it's how I trapped those memories for only me
back then it was for love
now it's for tragedy
good intentions are fleeting
because in mere moments passing
they're already transforming
you're the cat making biscuits out of my brain matter
years ******* later
115 · Jul 2023
Veil
Emma Katka Jul 2023
I'm the girl you call at midnight
never the girl you call in the afternoon
I'm the girl you can't stop thinking about
but ignore me when I'm in the same room
I'm better as a day dream
but I wanna be someone's reality
I'm so tired of isolating
I wanna have fun and be silly
I'm tired of carrying this armor
that I'm not even ******* wearing
it's a dead weight like my past toxic lovers
I'm wide open and uncovered
it's up to you to pull back the veil
I've burned mine
114 · Aug 2020
"artsy girl" kink
Emma Katka Aug 2020
misguided intentions
prevent a moment to pause & think
are you really that interested
or is it an artsy girl kink

because I want to be (and am) more
than a bucket list ****
I've got plenty of loose stitching
and strings of bad luck

intimidating to most,
while intimidated the least
I want my own ******* cake
with a five course feast

easy to romanticize
even harder to shake off
but the easiest to leave
when I've always been a mirage

I want plenty,
and nothing .
I need no one,
and loving.
114 · Jun 2023
I Need The Rain
Emma Katka Jun 2023
It finally started raining
the same day we called it quits
too many days of distance
We needed a shift that wasn't in my gears
I can't keep screaming words into closed ears
you're the rubber and I'm glue; nothing sticks to you
But maybe part of me was rubber too
because I never could love as much as you
But I could never show it as little as you do
Words only hold substance if action shines with them
and senses only gain strength with wisdom
So I'll do my best to consider this a gift
most lessons are
I don't need a shooting star
I need the rain
113 · Mar 2022
Untitled
Emma Katka Mar 2022
Maybe I'm not as strong as I let on
but it's how I crave to be perceived
to anyone who sees..
I want to be seen as resilient,
watch me fight through it
The same old heartbreak *******, we've all seen it...
And the familiar disappointment
of only seeing the red flags in hindsight
This pain and bull isn't sustainable,
but maybe I'm addicted to the thrill...
Love me so deeply you want to ****
The same way loving a toxic man
kills off all of my will
to keep my hands & mind busy
in my own ******* orbit
so I do anything I can
to subconsciously destroy it
And then without even realizing,
suddenly I'm drowning
I'm so tired of getting ****** in
and getting pulled out to sea
victimized by someone
constantly victimizing themselves of something
is just as confusing as it is entirely exhausting
So when I finally break free,
I keep running like there's no tomorrow
And while I don't believe I'm necessarily hiding from my sorrow,
I think I just don't know how to greet it yet;
I don't know how to treat it yet...
Another heartbreak on a list of crass men
that I'm still getting used to the greyscale
of taking off my rosy sights from...
I want to have rose colored glasses
that don't need wearing
but rather, embodying
because they say sometimes it's just about your perspective
so I'm adapting to new ways that I can shift and shape it
I feel it all, I bury it, I dig it up, and then create ****
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