sometimes I want to feel delicate, too
tonight I want you to touch me like I'm a bruise...
look in my eyes
like you could wander in,
cradle my jaw
like it's made of porcelain.
because I can't stop
my grinding and clenching...
feelings of wanting to feel delicate
are never long-lasting...
I'm inspired and exhausted and feeling ill
passions inside me lay dormant still
but have a pulse that's ready to ****
and I'm wondering where my brain is...
there's time still that needs passing
there's questions I should be asking...
I'm floating but not the way I want to,
I'm ready to be free wherever I run to.
and don't think I won't miss you...
you've made me feel delicate like a bruise.
and I've got a lot of reasons to thank you.
I keep gratitude under a blanket to warm up to.

offensive
I know I am
you wanna get it in while you can
I'm tight enough for you to get your way
and finish
so come on down
I know you won't stick around
and I probably don't even want you to
I knew what I was getting into with you
you talk to me like you're smarter than me
it ******* bugs me
I'll call you out and you just get salty
you'll start thinking
this can't be the girl for me
because I'm not a girl anymore
I'm searching for something more
you want someone you can talk down to
I've got opinions I'm not afraid to share with you
stop acting like I don't have a ******* clue
I may be quiet but I know what you're up to
I know your intentions
though most people forget to mention them
in-between the sheets of boring men
and maybe I am to them, too
my apathy is a defense that keeps people away
it's also the reason why no one wants to stay
I keep it inside
I keep it tight
I'm my own ride or die
I run away from people on their knees wanting me to stay
I run away from myself in a dangerous way
keep it distant
keep it poisonous
keep it poignant

my memories exist
like cinematic moments
of excellence
of sadness
of beauty
of cruelty
in my mind
all the time
I remember every shadow
every shade of blue
I remember you
I still feel you
I've told you my brain is always busy
I mean it and it's exhausting
I'm stoic and vague
distracted like it's a plague
I've been wearing the same old flannel  
for three ******* weeks straight
I want to be good
I want to feel good
damaged goods
but I'm good

currently in between
a nightmare and a dream
I'd like to move like a ghost in your world

here then suddenly gone
not afraid to admit I was wrong...
but I'm already like a ghost.
you're wondering if I'm still around
while I only linger now

but I left town
and you did too
too much too soon

I sound dreadful
but I'm helpful
and imperfect
don't distort it

make love to an artist
they'll make art
in response to your every move
even after they do...
abstract expressions
of feeling too much too soon...

I'm a sucker for the rush
a nightmare and a dream
is calling me a crush
context changes in moments passing
the truth is I don't do that much laughing
I'm as cold as it seems
please, see me as a dream

it's like a love hangover
after your heart has drowned

and whether i mean it or not
i'm telling you now

i'm never
drinking love in
again.

taking advantage
of it being warmer than negative
taking advantage and
absorbing the sunset's gradient
I could actually feel it on my skin
teasing me like it's ridding me of my sin

because I've got the sense
that you're around
but that's what these new scents do to me
the snow melts away the blockage in my memory

but nostalgia always finds a way in
and I'm the predator looking for a sniff...
I'd crush it up if I could...
snort it straight if I knew you would

because I want to you to think of me
when the snow melts from the trees
but I want to you think of me
before you think of the speed

years turn into moments and
collectively they resemble something bigger
and I'm constantly arguing
with myself, to myself,
to forgive her

taking advantage
and staying warm in my darkness
taking advantage and
learning to speak less

I want to re-do what I wrote
on the fog on your window
when we smoked too many cigs
and I was getting too many zits
in places I wasn't used to getting zits
I felt unsexy
but you made me feel worthy
and I'm not asking for much
wish we coulda stayed good that month
among all the hustle and crunch
we lost sight of ourselves somewhere along the bank
in the fog that collected on your windows before we sank
and we went deep
I think we're still asleep
I'm not hearing the voices
only feeling the urges
and I'm not strong enough to run away yet
but I was back then

so ******* stressed that I could puke
I'm doing my best and so are you
I wonder if it will slow down soon
I need direction like I need a clue
in finding a little peace of mind
I'm skipping
I'm tripping
I'm falling behind
in chasing what I came here for
in forgetting mistakes
and remembering to stop keeping score
I'm gonna try a new way of thinking
I'm gonna try to avoid this ship sinking
or just go down singing
with every breath
I've gotta grow up and take the next step
in being something bigger than me
being bigger than my dreams
but maybe I just want someone to listen
not tell me how I glisten and can handle it
maybe just agree with me
and tell me it ******* *****
cause I'm just saying, this is sucky
I don't mean to be ******
I don't feel very good lately
I'm trying to take it easy
I'm on the west side where it's breezy
but I feel lazy
while feeling like I never stop moving
this poem isn't moving either
it's babbling
.....whatever, forever

falling apart,
i'm isolated
eyes are open,
and the truths, dilated
too far broken to be on the mend
can't trust i'll ever have a genuine connection again...
and I'll never let you know how much you've hurt me
you'll never again see an ounce of honesty...
and that's the way it's gotta be,
the blame is not on me...
took my feelings and made a mockery
feels like there really shouldn't be shock from me
but what's to learn without atrocity?
you're misery
and i'm company

masochistic, maybe
I like the pain
it's something I crave
give me something new to work with
rip me open
give me new eyes to see with
I feel it
sadness grips me, it never misses me
it's a part of me,  I dance with it soulfully
darkness is freeing
it's a chance to meet your demons
it's melancholy, baby
I'm the melancholy lady
tip toeing on lines between different parts of me
wandering around not very gracefully
not really wondering what you think about me
it's too overwhelming to let that **** get to me
right now I should be sleeping

it seems we're both empty
looking for a fill
like a pill
heart racing, **** chasing
are you counting
down the seconds
until penetrating
over it
I'm tired of waiting
bored again
humidity
I'm sweating
you come with a warning
like I'm coming in with a crash landing
I wanna be the only one left standing
intentionally
you're wrong for me
*** is only ***
when you disconnect
unintentionally
and now you're boring me

I’m not always in a state of tragedy, my art helps take it out of me. Perhaps it’s bittersweet to not always resemble what you create on the surface. I think it just means you have to dig a little deeper. Vulnerability is laboring.

there is a noticeable silence on your end
maybe it's best if I take this time to mend
try and fix
everything that's really bringing me down...
I can tell it's chasing you away anyhow
because who wants to listen
to the girl with eyes that constantly glisten
wanna sew more sense into my devil's hem
upper cut nonsense with a fist to them...
& I know I'm trying too hard to impress you
I'm biting my lips until they turn a shade of blue
I'm not going to wonder why you're running
because I can't join this race if you're gunning
for something less like you and true
different colored hues
can't always mix and flow
especially when the volume's low...
I wish you'd turn it back up
and sink in your teeth
I wish you'd fire it up
and make me feel less like a creep
I dove too deep...
& still wanted more...
I feel like I'm always ******* things up to the very core
you're a hidden pearl that's still wading in my shore...

Not mad if you don’t want me
cause I’m still bad if you can’t see me
Can’t say my pride doesn’t burn
when I can’t get those eyes to turn
but I’m a killer mister
you’d probably run away after the first kiss
I’m used to the loving and the leaving
I’m used to the intimidation and screaming
doesn’t mean I don’t crave it sometimes
I wanna crush you up and put you into lines
blizzard my brain baby
You think I’m a crazy lady
but I think it’s **** hunny
so if you're going to leave
I wanna see you run away screaming
I'm just as afraid of you
as you're afraid of me

lying to yourself
isn't forgiving yourself
take time to tell the truth
take time to feel your youth
corner darkness in the open
put truth in all corners to soak in

he slapped my *** and told me
he didn't want to see me anymore
that there wasn't enough time in his day
to try and make me wanna stay

so i held the door open.
go ahead, I said.
I don't need you,
like a hole in my head

i watched shadows form,
at first paper thin
like the shadows forming on his jawline
and the itch
on my upper lip

i don't want to forget the country roads
that shaped me
formed me
healed me....
the roads
i have dropped to my knees in despair
within
cropped in
fighting my sins
with a lens and a shutter
looking for solace in turning glass
nothing last forever...
the country is my church

I didn't know much back then
I think about it now and again
different skin
I want to burn the memories
take you back out
from in
me
and
you never quit screaming
passionately
but
never agressively
...that was all me
and
I know I was so young
I look back and feel ashamed
of infatuating feelings
desperate
for you to want me
to desire me
because when I love
I do it
with too much of me
it's like I keep forgetting

not sure who I currently am...
I feel like I'm rolling around
in-between a lesson
& a mental breakdown
the twenty-something *******
attempting to be an above-it *****
where your scratches don't itch
& I'm never distracted by dramatic ****
but I am
and they do
I'm not putting me over you
I've seen this view before
I'm feeling stillness and a pull
feeling like I'm on cruise control
programmed responses
to predicted reactions
I'm fine, how are you
what's up, what's happening
I'm annoying myself
and it's ******* fantastic
where are you?

I got too high
& had a panic attack last night
you got in my head a little bit
but I'll be alright
continuing to look
at ways to get ahead
intentions mislead
playing pretend
that you're on the mend
without inviting anyone into your bed
******* with heads
breaking promises you give
while experiencing promises broken
we should have spoken
sooner
about what was mistaken

I had a pair of purple courderoy overalls
second grade, I felt ******* sweet
I had some pretty big feet
still do
twelve minus two
fast forward to
twenty four plus two, nothing's new
I need a good burn cruise
maybe some new music to listen to
I used to try too hard sometimes
overall, I'm pretty apathetic (I care too much)
being addicted to an aesthetic feels pathetic
looking the part still won't make you get it
I'm not looking to be understood
I'm not sure you could
what a cliche
it's okay

we are drifting through the tides...
but no one ever leaves
how they arrive...
I need to find a way back on that cloud
find that familiar bliss,
and then I'll just drift...
I might get a little road sick...
the years go by ******* quick...
& wistfulness can be a curse
of constantly feeling homesick
for places you've never drifted...
I want to drift through your sea
even as only a dream
& remorse is a trick...
apologies are a *****...
you're a scab I can't itch...
I could do it all again,
but I can't see the use...
when I don't want to be your lover---
I want to be your muse.

Happiness can make you feel guilty
A foreign entity you're not used to feeling
But I know I'm deserving
It's been such a long road to happy
A constant state of tragedy is exhausting
And I don't want to feel sorry for finally breathing clean
I feel I've been forever on the other side of me
And the complete opposite of easy street
I don't need to feel guilty for moving
I like the light over here

there's a pounding in my ears
what a typical subconscious front
to avoid facing my fears...
(rubbing my third eye
to make it clearer...)
(or some other ****
to make me sound lit)
(I don't even say that word,
so this poem might be a front.
I'm really not in the mood anyway,
to try & see potential in the crumbs)
my two eyes see enough
to know when things are ****** up
I'm not down with your "one love" ****,
it's really just ****** love for only one

you're giving me nostalgia
this city **** is cinematic
and I'm feeling electric
static vibes around me
want the vibes absorbing me
redefining me
wondering where to begin
feels like being born again

disconnected
my joints hurt like rusty clockwork
running low on speed
not sure what it is I even need...
I used to dream of having a tv
in my bedroom when I was thirteen
I could watch whatever movies I wanted
and I'd never have to leave
that was enough for me
I have that now and it's not enough
it's more like a crutch
because it isn't about the little things anymore
life moves much faster than that
it's taking a toll and keeping score
but actually
probably not
life doesn't take time to tally me
I'm one lost soul in a ******* sea
life doesn't start or stop for me because I'm unhappy
it's up to me to grow some spine
take the first step, taking time
to know what I need
so what do I need?
I'm not sure I'll ever know
but I'll put on a good show

Locked inside
the iron shell casing around my brain lately
I don't mean to be moody
I just want different feelings sometimes
Rewriting the rules is my favorite past time
And I know I've got you on the line
Like a bird on a wire in my mind
Softly buzzing
I've been mixing new ideas with yours
And it's put me down an interesting course
I'm not getting lost this time

I chase after melancholy
like a toxic lover I'm begging to stay
by the time I'm back drowning in it
I just want it to go back away...
what a beautiful melody
a symophony of strings playing just for me
bittersweetly...
I carry shame with me like a pocket knife
scar tissue forms no matter how lightly you're cutting
insecurity and jealousy is damaging
I want you to need me
while I don't need anything...
are you waiting for me to write a poem about you?
I'm waiting for too much way too soon...
I don't get nearly as lost as I used to,
just a little confused
everyone else remembers details I never want to
youthful while longing for my youth
if I'm an old soul
I'm a pair of vintage dark blues
freying hems just add to the character
but I'm a little too broken in
so wear me down gently

brain won't stop spinning
must be all the sins I'm committing
you've been on my mind all day
want you kiss me again and again
wide eyed
I admire your ambition
give me a fire in my chest
you're a catch 22

we're all lonely
I can see it in everyone's eyes
in the way we say we're okay
behind years of self abusing lies
saying,
really, it's okay
I know that's not what you meant to say

(even though you said it with conviction)
(even though you said it with dedication)

really, it's okay
I know you'll stop someday

(someday isn't a promise)
(someday is a to do list)
(that will sit under your lyrics,
that are so "woke")
(until you remember
what you originally wrote...)

you know change
let's try to think how to arrange
the nature of my lies
and your eyes
and what blinks clean
I'm not in the winning seat
But I'm already ahead enough
not to retreat
you makes these lists
and you see what needs to change
while still clenching your fists
and saying to not trust you is strange

(while I'm stuck in the middle getting antsy)
(my happiness is on a list in the back seat)

I wore empathy around my neck like a noose
Blind ambition convinced of an inability to lose
What more was there to do besides keep fighting
Constantly reminding
of the ways I wasnt enough for you
But that was never the truth
I was always too much for you
And you couldn't rise up to meet me

reading my horoscope
like it's going to give me some sort of clarity
what's in the stars besides my head

there's high expectations
may I join you in space?

writing because I've got nothing else to do
I get stuck when the **** *****
sticky when the humidity is up
and I just wanna get high
poetry is a confession or a lie
deciphering it isn't worth the try
and I just wanna get high
or meet someone fly
take me on a ride
give me inspiration for a new creation
see sparkles in street lights and wet skin
city slickers finger lickers
late night candy munchers
burnt out babes with a work ethic
show me your soul and stretch it
take it out for a ride with me
down the rainy streets
light green **** up in the shadows
and pass it to me
get high on our energy
and my average ****
until next week
there's a chance of cloudy eyes
and a real ******* high

make art
but look the part
if that isn't priority
are you in this majority?
I say I'm an artist
so does everyone else
I can feel the eyes roll
when I say what I'm here for

and

I can see you treat me different
once you see my **** holds up
but unless I look like an artist
or the world knows my art
you're gonna think I'm not enough
rough and tough egos we've got, baby
hope your **** is good too
so you have an excuse for your crazy

walk like an artist
on the fine line between humble and elitist

I'd like to think this point in my life
is a period between two parenthesees
a pause for alternative thought to form
& the rest of the story will come back shortly
because I'm tired of feeling this unwell
it's filling up in the pits of me
and I'm gripping on to memories
of when you gave a **** about me
...as if I still give a **** about you
because that's only partly true

I’m sorry every single day
and if you can’t see that
you’ve got **** twisted
I’m missing that connection
that magnetic friction
of conversation
interpretation
of the art we live in
the art we create in…
but in isolation
I can only hold on for so long
until not even my calluses can keep a grip on this
can’t say I’m surprised you lost it
but I’ll always wish you didn’t
and you say I’m the one on a trip
you’ve been on one since I’ve met you
convinced that change isn’t necessary
growth isn’t for me
you say
maybe not with your mouth
but in between the margins it lays
I’m sorry every single day
and if you can’t see that
…you never knew me anyway

there's a void...
you'll listen to me
when I bring up my *****
but do you wanna know my dreams?
I could cry streams, you wouldn't believe
I'm strawberries and cream
with shards of glass in between
are you sure you want to taste me?
I'm like poison baby
that's me lately
if you step into this
your legs and brain will be shaking
I'm great at confusing the enemy
I've never been good at vulnerability
I know how to pull you in
and my reflexes spit you back out
I don't know what the **** that's about
I'm offensive
you wouldn't like my folds and creases
passive-aggressive
and fluctuating *** drive makes it all tasteless
past anxieties flooded me
when they were inside of me
I started crying
they kept thrusting
and maybe that ****** with me
maybe that wasn't okay like I said it would be
I use it now as a way of distracting
you from seeing
any part of what's real in me
parts of me your **** can't reach
mysteries ****, baby
keep searching

I keep guilt on me
like a first aid kit at the bottom of a drawstring.
and instead of healing,
I make my own wounds worse.
I want to bring something else there first...
but my shame always beats me to the punch...
apathetically indifferent,
thinking too much...
the most passionate affairs burn up the quickest.
ours was a fever dream, & you were the sickest...
letting you go took a heavy dose of misery,
I've got scar tissue like thick sheets across my psyche.
and it still isn't easy...
my misery keeps finding miserable company.
the farthest thing away from inspiring...
I'd be more ready to move on
if I could just stop moving positions...
but my legs keep falling asleep,
and I'm not good with significant transitions...
but everything in life moves so ******* fast,
no one cares that you knew me in my past
you don't know me in my present.
thinking too much, apathetically indifferent...
and **** your good intentions, I knew you had none
there's never been two people here, only one.
I'm tired of carrying guilt for two
I've got so many other things to do

you **** without a conscious
and you wonder why I'm cautious
but I'm bored with your nonsense...
you've got suave
without the grace
you have no soul
but you know you've got the face...
I'll put on a magic show
and make you dizzy like a trick
let's get in your nasty *** car
and I'll pretend you're not a *****
nah
'cause I've got better things to do
than you
on a first "date"
ha, the **** is that anyway?
and hey
nothing wrong with getting it in
I've got my free girls & guys lovin' it
but let's stop confusing dates with it
because you're not here to date ****
you're here to see what else you can hit
and hey
that's fine
be free & cross those lines
but I really don't have the ******* time
you couldn't handle my **** anyway
but if it makes you feel better
I'll keep pretending you're cooler than me, okay?
you've got a lot of good jokes
good for you on being so woke

watch out for the weight
they should say
after you fall in love and fall into place
watch out for the weight
you'll learn how easy it is to stay in
when it's just you and him
watch the world spin
where the **** do i get in
and how the **** do i get out
when the spinning stops blurring
and it's all black
and my words are slurring
you've got me ******* & cut off
circulations burst from string and it's stinging
i'm a purple and blue hue
feeling like a walking bruise
words pack more punch than they used to
i don't really mind hurting
you gave everything & that's true
what can break isn't broken
it just needs time and space to soak in

sometimes I still think of you
and your dark hue
you had a spark within you
burst too soon
I'm not betting on your sanity
just like you're not aware of mine
still got a burning in my throat
from cigarettes and cheap wine
and you're so beautiful it's distracting
I'm itchy and you're what's scratching
I'd burn you away with alcohol
but you're already swimming

you've got a taste
you know my center
cookies n' cream
makes you scream
and you tell me how you think i'm sweet
i'm loving you in between the sheets
in the vanity
where's my sanity
because i want to love you
and i still don't know you
but you've got me cutting corners
disobeying orders
you don't know me
and I think you're already in too deep

Make sure you've made the time
Get enough sleep and exercise  
Swallow all that sadness
bring yourself to the surface and start to move
You've done so much already,
but you've got a lot more to prove
Make sure you're making enough money
you look great in shades resembling exploiting
Fit in, get along, don't rock the boat
the water is frozen, so don't forget your coat
but make sure it flatters your figure
I don't know how to swim
but somehow I'm still here wading
while others are nearly drowning
sadness and anger register in my brain just the same
I can't keep acting like it's not driving me insane
I just need more time

I'm a dreamer baby
(that which is terrifying to me
exists in what I think is my reality)
or perhaps, in my irrationality...
& I'm rubbing my eyes at 4:00am
shaking with the illusion
that reality can stay in my clouds...
(the ones I create myself
when no one else is around)
with the rest of my memories
that taught me
what losing trust and knowing fear meant...
(memories that taught me
about my own darkness wherever I went...)
& you know, I never did tell a soul.
my secret keeping skills were gold.
& while the plot thickens,
& my skin stretches into it's 26th year
my strength slips through my fingers sometimes
but I'm still ******* here

a different kind of freedom
salty skin and sore knees
i'm wondering which part of life
you'd fit best in between the sheets of
the body count fits the thread count
whatever that means...
spending time alone isn't as bad as it seems
but I'm uncomfortable in my own skin
and I feel like ****
not down with it
beyond over it
still stuck in the middle of it
a cosmic joke with guilt riddling in it
can't pick up and start over
I feel years older
maybe I need a vacation
maybe I'm a loner

I won't compromise myself
to keep you around
just for you to keep letting me down
I could treat you like a king
polish your crown every day
wash your feet after a long day
would you do that for me?
unlikely, baby
you've been inconsistent and shady
I'm a ******* lady
could be yours
and you're just my crazy
my headache
my heartache
my warm flow of nostalgia in a sunset
my doubting spirit
when I know you've seen the message I've sent
I wonder where you went
I wonder where I am
I wonder why you're moving on
and why I can't
you said my side of the bed is open any time
as if it were ever mine
I was always just visiting
I shouldn't be surprised

I see you hide your stretch marks
when you change your ***** shirts
I see how fast your body moves
to cover up what you think makes you less lovely

but I do think they're beautiful
it was a time you don't remember
when your body was swollen
and your heart burned like ember

so did mine
my heart is swollen
and my stretch marks on my heart
my hips
they're beautiful
and so are you

I never wanted your hands on me anyway
You haunt me still in so many ways

I create dream worlds in my head,
an extension of inner self that’s hard to get,
I haven’t seen her face yet