you're like a song that's stuck in my head,
but I don't know the words
craving that bliss kiss that I miss
that grit **** I wanna hit
you're rough around the edges
& I liked how your hand's calluses
curved gently around my crevices
(& I'm not one to say I miss you
but I'll say that it's true
while still wanting to tell you
to go **** yourself)
cause I'm not over how you left,
but I'm taking the road traveled less
which involves all my forgiveness
all while usure if I am so bold yet
you're a song I can't forget...
I could find the right words to my memories
but I guess I like you best as a melody
like the one we sang together on your couch
your velvet voice in my ear
kissed & graced by your mouth
I'll remember that night for a while
I knew then how much I dug your style
and I know
I'm stretching this **** for miles
I get it
I'm a loose floorboard in your projects
that burned for you like a comet

there's high expectations
I feel rather tragic
may I join you in space?
a synonym for magic
is fascination
I want that curiosity
I want that passion...
(I like my rhyming
slightly off beat,
interrupted,
...gives it heat)
but you'd probably have to hear me say it
(& that's a feat that takes a vision)
I need more inspiration...
I've got high expectations...
for you,
for me,
for everyone I meet,
constantly let down is no way to think
& I'm tired of me...
drowning in curiosity...
of illusions, mainly...

there's high expectations
may I join you in space?

there's a pounding in my ears
what a typical subconscious front
to avoid facing my fears...
(rubbing my third eye
to make it clearer...)
(or some other ****
to make me sound lit)
(I don't even say that word,
so this poem might be a front.
I'm really not in the mood anyway,
to try & see potential in the crumbs)
my two eyes see enough
to know when things are ****** up
I'm not down with your "one love" ****,
it's really just ****** love for only one

a n x i e t y
fangs baring teeth
f o r g e t t i n g me
fangs sink in deep
...and I miss sleep
**** counting sheep
they're here already
keeping conformity steady
waste of my time, baby
show me what you're made of, shady

I'm a dreamer baby
(that which is terrifying to me
exists in what I think is my reality)
or perhaps, in my irrationality...
& I'm rubbing my eyes at 4:00am
shaking with the illusion
that reality can stay in my clouds...
(the ones I create myself
when no one else is around)
with the rest of my memories
that taught me
what losing trust and knowing fear meant...
(memories that taught me
about my own darkness wherever I went...)
& you know, I never did tell a soul.
my secret keeping skills were gold.
& while the plot thickens,
& my skin stretches into it's 26th year
my strength slips through my fingers sometimes
but I'm still ******* here

sometimes I want to feel delicate, too
tonight I want you to touch me like I'm a bruise...
look in my eyes
like you could wander in,
cradle my jaw
like it's made of porcelain.
because I can't stop
my grinding and clenching...
feelings of wanting to feel delicate
are never long-lasting...
I'm inspired and exhausted and feeling ill
passions inside me lay dormant still
but have a pulse that's ready to ****
and I'm wondering where my brain is...
there's time still that needs passing
there's questions I should be asking...
I'm floating but not the way I want to,
I'm ready to be free wherever I run to.
and don't think I won't miss you...
you've made me feel delicate like a bruise.
and I've got a lot of reasons to thank you.
I keep gratitude under a blanket to warm up to.

Expectations on my shoulders
to act a certain way…
to be a certain somebody…
to me, to you,
to everyone you speak of me to…
I can’t connect to you if you chain me down
I can’t connect to you if you define me all around
I’m not what you want me to be
& I’m not what you think I must be...
I connect with my darkness, but not all the time
I’m free to wander, but I am forced to prioritize...
I’ve got enough things weighing me down,
I don’t have time to wonder why you’re not around…
you can’t give me space to exist for myself
my advice will never be enough for you to save yourself
you’ve gotta be strong on your own at the end of the day…
(& when was the last time you asked me if I was okay?)
I am grateful for the journey.
I am grateful for the times.
but I am tired of the expectations,
I'm not yours 'cause you love me... I am mine.

Not mad if you don’t want me
cause I’m still bad if you can’t see me
Can’t say my pride doesn’t burn
when I can’t get those eyes to turn
but I’m a killer mister
you’d probably run away after the first kiss
I’m used to the loving and the leaving
I’m used to the intimidation and screaming
doesn’t mean I don’t crave it sometimes
I wanna crush you up and put you into lines
blizzard my brain baby
You think I’m a crazy lady
but I think it’s **** hunny
so if you're going to leave
I wanna see you run away screaming
I'm just as afraid of you
as you're afraid of me

I'm not sorry for isolating
(people like me better when they don't know me
& I need you to have something to show me)
to you I'm maybe an enigma
or maybe just a *****
both are wrong anyway
I'm just a woman with an itch
to translate dreams into something more
to cure myself of my emotional sores
(lately the ones from you
I'd like to watch your lips turn blue
from running out of air when you speak of me
I know you're still checking up on me obsessively)
& I don't you know you either
but I know what you've made me see
and I see mostly everything
but choose not to speak
(so if you're wondering if I noticed
...I did)

i don't want to forget the country roads
that shaped me
formed me
healed me....
the roads
i have dropped to my knees in despair
within
cropped in
fighting my sins
with a lens and a shutter
looking for solace in turning glass
nothing last forever...
the country is my church

sometimes I still think of you
and your dark hue
you had a spark within you
burst too soon
I'm not betting on your sanity
just like you're not aware of mine
still got a burning in my throat
from cigarettes and cheap wine
and you're so beautiful it's distracting
I'm itchy and you're what's scratching
I'd burn you away with alcohol
but you're already swimming

you've got me on the edge of my seat
every cyber vibration gives me that leap
& your cyber vibrations are ******* neat
I bet your lips taste sweet
(maybe that's eager to say
I'll keep it real & will anyway)
but with a hint of ash
let's go out strapped for cash
I don't need much
creation is my crutch
you know inspiration is priceless
finding it in you is one of my many vices
it's a romance in the wires
igniting small fires
rewiring my dials
confidential files
& in between all the miles
you're giving me smiles

you don't keep things very steady
but I'm feeling you and it's heavy
I've got a recluse vibe
but you dig me
you've got a twisted mind
and I wannna dig deep...
who needs ******* sleep?
cause I wanna bleed these sheets
((with whatever comes next
two bleeding hearts for romance
has gotta mean hot ***))
with only inspiration...
because passion creates feelings
creates paths that are freeing
creates monsters and tingling
creates goosebumps and scream queens
((and I like your ***** jeans,
I'm saying so much more
than what that means,
***** jeans :
adventures that aren't clean))
biting my lip isn't helping
biting my tongue is ******* annoying
((biting you wouldn't be boring))
I'm sometimes a sick kind of *****
take a breath before you sink in me

falling apart,
i'm isolated
eyes are open,
and the truths, dilated
too far broken to be on the mend
can't trust i'll ever have a genuine connection again...
and I'll never let you know how much you've hurt me
you'll never again see an ounce of honesty...
and that's the way it's gotta be,
the blame is not on me...
took my feelings and made a mockery
feels like there really shouldn't be shock from me
but what's to learn without atrocity?
you're misery
and i'm company

gotta slow down my empathy
to inhale the apathy
can't take much of reality
who's got time to be a wannabe?
I know all you do is pity me
and I pity you, but secretly

perhaps it's nothing at all
because nothing is still something
and sometimes that's enough
to be something
other than nothing

art to the death of me
and it could be the death of me

you're not entitled to my time
because you ask for it
you can't **** my creativity dry
because you thirst for it...
I'm not a product on a shelf,
I'm not a diva over-involved with herself...
I'm an artist,
I'm an old soul,
and that alone can take its toll...
because I've got patience that is dwindling
surrounded by entitlement that is sickening
and how dare you assume I owe you anything
when there's details you're ******* missing
you don't know a thing about me
so you fill in the silence with your vanity
as if I choose to give you all of my energy
when you're the force that is stripping me
I owe you nothing
and never once asked you for an apology
because I know I'd never get it
I'm just trying to ******* forget it

the moon would kiss you goodnight
if you asked it to
and what I wouldn't do...
I could not list
& your energy is ******* crisp,
I like the way you say hey
while knowing it's not that special anyway
I'm in a shadow, you can't see it
I'm in a meadow, with out green tints
& I know you think I'm mental
you wanna take me out like a rental
...but, what can I say
I think you've got good taste
you wanna find inspiration you can't waste
but that **** doesn't come that easy
& I know you won't be able to recharge me

do you ever pick at your skin?
do you ever cry for no reason?
I've been barely sleeping
and it's bubbling
I know you want this
and it's exciting
and I want you
but it's mainly annoying
because I'm down and out
and I don't wanna **** around
I'm floating like a satellite
try to spot me and you'll lose my light
lost in gradients and gazes
most memories only exist as phases
cause you saw me floating
and I didn't slow down
you couldn't handle me without my crown
but I still want you around

reflections aren't my body
reflections are made up of that which is weightless,
on surfaces of those which are limitless.
heavy. heavy. heavy.
do you argue with a car window?
you see reflections blinking back at you
because your eyes are salty and they burn,
and since blinking & burning feels better than breaking down,
you don't argue.
you continue to blink or you look away
and it still feels the same.
aren't you sick of this ******* game?
how you look into these reflections can shift,
just as windows bleed and blur after they grow older.
let your heart get softer
don't let your heart get colder.

stretch out your cyber muscles
keyboard teeth forming lip sores
don't you ever get ******* bored?

you are no holier than I am
and your shadows were always the darkest.
forgiving you is like kissing death's sultress...
and I'm dancing in your darkness,
have been for quite some time,
but I've grown dizzy and am forming blisters
on my skin where lips did once reside...
and you'll never grow tired of being alone
so let me knock you from your thrown
wear your burdens on your back like I do my own
there isn't anything here to save

I see you hide your stretch marks
when you change your ***** shirts
I see how fast your body moves
to cover up what you think makes you less lovely

but I do think they're beautiful
it was a time you don't remember
when your body was swollen
and your heart burned like ember

so did mine
my heart is swollen
and my stretch marks on my heart
my hips
they're beautiful
and so are you

yeah, I've got information.
but not a single dose for you
but I've still got heart
and I've still got time, that's true

but I can never have too much
because I don't have enough
all while never knowing
who even gives a ****

you wanna hear me complain ?
doubt it
I don't want to hear you
but I do

so I get it
what else do you want me to say
I don't always have fancy word play
but I still have things to say
and ideas to marinate in your brain in

meet me half-way

And just like that.
Your heart's resident stops paying rent and moves on.
And yet they remain there still,
kick up their feet,
and get comfortable.
Lock themselves
in the farthest room away
that you can't reach the handle of.
I wish you'd show yourself the door
now that I know
you're not going to come back knocking.

I'd like to think this point in my life
is a period between two parenthesees
a pause for alternative thought to form
& the rest of the story will come back shortly
because I'm tired of feeling this unwell
it's filling up in the pits of me
and I'm gripping on to memories
of when you gave a **** about me
...as if I still give a **** about you
because that's only partly true

we're all lonely
I can see it in everyone's eyes
in the way we say we're okay
behind years of self abusing lies
saying,
really, it's okay
I know that's not what you meant to say

(even though you said it with conviction)
(even though you said it with dedication)

really, it's okay
I know you'll stop someday

(someday isn't a promise)
(someday is a to do list)
(that will sit under your lyrics,
that are so "woke")
(until you remember
what you originally wrote...)

you know change
let's try to think how to arrange
the nature of my lies
and your eyes
and what blinks clean
I'm not in the winning seat
But I'm already ahead enough
not to retreat
you makes these lists
and you see what needs to change
while still clenching your fists
and saying to not trust you is strange

(while I'm stuck in the middle getting antsy)
(my happiness is on a list in the back seat)

taking advantage
of it being warmer than negative
taking advantage and
absorbing the sunset's gradient
I could actually feel it on my skin
teasing me like it's ridding me of my sin

because I've got the sense
that you're around
but that's what these new scents do to me
the snow melts away the blockage in my memory

but nostalgia always finds a way in
and I'm the predator looking for a sniff...
I'd crush it up if I could...
snort it straight if I knew you would

because I want to you to think of me
when the snow melts from the trees
but I want to you think of me
before you think of the speed

years turn into moments and
collectively they resemble something bigger
and I'm constantly arguing
with myself, to myself,
to forgive her

taking advantage
and staying warm in my darkness
taking advantage and
learning to speak less

you're not entitled to my interest
because you're interested in me
most men would call me cold
but that's because I'm trying to be

I'm improvising just as much as you were here
so let's just play it by ear
we'll get comfortable after a few beers

I've got nothing else better to do,
do you?
because I know you liked the feeling
of my skin against you...
but you say you want me wild, baby
I know you like to keep it vintage & crazy

old school rules aren't me completely
I can say it straight that I will never need you
and I don't care that you will never need me

i watched shadows form,
at first paper thin
like the shadows forming on his jawline
and the itch
on my upper lip

if you want to face the darkness
come up to where i am and meet it
i'm done hearing you talk of my darkness
as if you've really seen it
you're not fearless and you know it
i'm so far past this ****, so **** it
i'm not made of porcelain pieces
you were just one of my many vices

a wild woman inside
I seem to keep being reminded
it's not shocking that you're nervous
it feels isolating if I'm being honest
i'll be opened
and then I'll seal it
but tell me about your gut feelin'
I can't help it I'm a runner
but you already know that I'm a sucker
you've got me feelin' my feels out on you
& your threads sound dope
you tell me you've got hope
in me
in my vibe
through circuts and waves
****
what a ******* way to behave
show me your years
i've got mine numbered with irrational fears
you can see them in my palms
it's my turn to my nervous

he slapped my *** and told me
he didn't want to see me anymore
that there wasn't enough time in his day
to try and make me wanna stay

so i held the door open.
go ahead, I said.
I don't need you,
like a hole in my head

i watched shadows form,
at first paper thin
like the shadows forming on his jawline
and the itch
on my upper lip

i'll take a brief moment to forget, baby
that you're acting real ******* shady
to remind you : i'm a ******* lady

so let's drive
rewind

let's pause so you can get me a little wet
let's pause to let you kiss my neck
but make sure it's a little messy
cause that's how this ball has been rolling lately
**** stops when i feel a control on me
hold on me
a fold for me

whether you're trying to or not, baby
you've got a hold on me, shady

you've got a game you're playing
and i know you know it
humility isn't reality
when you don't know how to show it

dropping lines and favors that hit
cry a little and bleed for me like it ain't ****

but you'd probably like that
so you have a reason to stop self-decaying

you're a sociopath in training
forgive me for complaining

begging you to thrill me
because I'm getting bored
no energy to even the score
want you to pull me into a whirlwind
make me spin
touch my skin
feel me like I’m feelin’ you
dance with me under the moon
what game are you playing anymore
if you know you're always going to win
crack the whip
feel it click
make a slit
and start giving a ****

when I'm falling in
I get addicted
like sin I can't stop comitting
and ask myself for forgiveness
and say i'm quitting
every time
as if I honestly believe
it will not happen again,
but I know how I am with men...
I need all of you,
borderlining
on possibly devouring you
can't be less than creepy
I inject you under my skin
willingly
I like to feel itchy
want you to scratch me
got that craving
for your attention
your affection
for everything else I purposely don't mention
because I'm passive aggressive
and a little slow motion
while moving in too quick
enough to make me feel sick
because
romance makes me feeling like dying
but
enough to make me want it,
all or nothing

I’m sorry every single day
and if you can’t see that
you’ve got **** twisted
I’m missing that connection
that magnetic friction
of conversation
interpretation
of the art we live in
the art we create in…
but in isolation
I can only hold on for so long
until not even my calluses can keep a grip on this
can’t say I’m surprised you lost it
but I’ll always wish you didn’t
and you say I’m the one on a trip
you’ve been on one since I’ve met you
convinced that change isn’t necessary
growth isn’t for me
you say
maybe not with your mouth
but in between the margins it lays
I’m sorry every single day
and if you can’t see that
…you never knew me anyway

you've got a taste
you know my center
cookies n' cream
makes you scream
and you tell me how you think i'm sweet
i'm loving you in between the sheets
in the vanity
where's my sanity
because i want to love you
and i still don't know you
but you've got me cutting corners
disobeying orders
you don't know me
and I think you're already in too deep

so this is how it ends?
you say you hate me
....again
and then...
you wanna walk away?
you say you don't wanna be my friend
"then go"...
need reference?
i'll hold the ******* door open for you
you wanna walk away I will too
i've got scabs over scars
you always break through the tissue
but this...
and then...
so that...
the fact is i could never get angry
you'd silence me with your own
i could narrate you like a documentary :
observe now,
as he breaks me down...
got a lot on your mind?
swallow it now
I'm spitting fire on your *******
it's time for me to get rightfully hot
you want me to be patient still?
....I'm ******* not

so what happens now
when there are craters
on my lines drawn in the sand..
i knew you'd cross them eventually
arrive and conspire punctually
i'd like to tell you to get a grip girl
i'd like to tell you to ******* girl

wanna be adored
while simultaneously ignored
want you to be obsessed
and repress
all that emotion boy
don't show me a thing
show me everything
tell me your dreams
tell me **** that stings
you got it
i don't want it
and i've gotta have it

can't tell you openly
it's so isolating
to intimidate what intimidates you
but i power through
i'll either inspire you
or poison you
but that's up to you, too
and how you see my vibe
i can't care either way
or you'll break my stride
...again
like it always does
because either way
i actually care quite a bit
and then i'm tripping again

wanna be adored
while simultaneously ignored

watch out for the weight
they should say
after you fall in love and fall into place
watch out for the weight
you'll learn how easy it is to stay in
when it's just you and him
watch the world spin
where the **** do i get in
and how the **** do i get out
when the spinning stops blurring
and it's all black
and my words are slurring
you've got me ******* & cut off
circulations burst from string and it's stinging
i'm a purple and blue hue
feeling like a walking bruise
words pack more punch than they used to
i don't really mind hurting
you gave everything & that's true
what can break isn't broken
it just needs time and space to soak in

those chances you wish you'd taken
wish I woulda been bolder
less cold-
-er, is that possible for me to do?
I've got walls made of iron and ice
and I never thought twice
that it'd leave me swimming
regret pools up in lost chances
lost moments of boldness
lost moments of warmness
could have experienced your soul
could have hurt myself when I saw it was foul
didn't even let myself find out
didn't even let ourselves melt down
into each other
maybe we could have another
maybe it's all lost in blurry summers
maybe I gotta get over myself
feeling like you'd still give a ****
why do I even give a ****,
cause I wanna feel good?
or because now I would
could
should
have

reading my horoscope
like it's going to give me some sort of clarity
what's in the stars besides my head

those days that you're stuck in your skull
thoughts so full
horns of a bull
skin peeling and I still can't get that feeling
that high isn't worth everything it seems
a couple years have passed
still haven't been filled up
why would I want to be
and hey
everyone who goes downtown gets lost anyway
if I feel like my heart is bleeding
doesn't that make the alcohol sting me more
what a ****** cold press on every **** emotional sore
good rhyme, girl
you've got flow now
can't stop ******* picking
peeling and screaming
but i've got a smile on my face and you think i'm fine
i've got a smile on my face and i'm drowning in this **** wine
more whine
angry and divine
****** and bored
what am i talking about to you and you and you
and him
what about him
leave him out of this
keep him in on this
i'm stuck cracking knuckles
addicted to making my knees buckle
gimme that fear and loathing
i'm drowning in it
i'm drowning in it