the older i get the more things there are to miss and it becomes harder every year, i wonder how to balance, i wonder how to find peace, i wonder how to be okay with things that are gone but you never wanted to leave, i wonder when i'm about to experience change, because change scares me unless it brings me to art, but my art hurts me when i see it lately and i'm not sure what to do but continue this ongoing sentence until i find a good stopping point...........................................................i­ think i found it

doesn't matter what my mouth says
my face has a reputation of its own
from syndromes induced
by the pressures of small town living
faces i've never seen
or haven't seen in years
people who don't know me at all
speak of me through someone else's teeth
they wear a self-placed title of unity
pinned over a flesh embroidered title
that reads
L I A R
you're not genuine enough to be my friend
but not strong enough to be my enemy

i can feel unfamiliar eyes burning holes through my back, filling in blank spaces with assumptions on how my character can/should be defined. foundation to assumptions should never be the words coming only from one direction, as different sides can still exist from the same

bond over alcohol
why can't we bond over our breathes
and the steps
we take
that go in the same direction
the steps we take
that may not make sense
because i want to bond
over what makes my heart soar
not what kind of alcohol will get me more *****
because i'm not that kind of girl
you can't take me on a whirl
i'd get too dizzy anyway
projectile ***** on your already ***** sheets
because i don't want to be a puzzle
i'm not something you need to figure out
to fix and put together, i'm not getting better
i'm me and that's what you need to see
but you see my big hair
short dresses with long legs
and you wonder
what they would feel like wrapped around yours
so you want to bond over alcohol
yeah, i'll take your free shot
but then i'm gone to look at the stars
cause unless they're in your eyes
that's the only thing i what i want to make love to

on the journey of finding light while pushing through the dark, i sometimes will forget the importance of that stillness

i've got two shadows, though
the one that stays with me
and the one that you keep

tough exteriors distorted like broken mirrors
spines don't form by breaking another's
mistakes have power to mentally stay forever
but shadows can't stop light from entering in
and i can't remove you from under my skin

guilt isn't something that sticks
it's something that follows

i have to remember the importance
in remembering what everything felt like.
maybe i am afraid of looking back on moments
and realizing we were all pretending.
maybe i'm afraid i always am.
what can define authenticity
when crushing passion turns to anxiety,
and a desire to avoid another enemy
turns to plastic gleams on plastic teeth?
rinse & repeat.

the dark thoughts are creeping in and i know my spirit's equilibrium has been set off slightly, and i'm not entirely sure how to proceed from here. only way is through, of course, as that's the only way out. what more can i bring you the table if that table keeps moving farther away from you?

it comes in waves. i creep into old habits after i taste the nostalgia. chasing down thoughts after triggers doesn't taste as sweet as deju vu does, and i'm finding myself absent from my current reality. i'm stuck spiraling in visions and past versions of myself that i don't recognize as ever holding truth, but they do, and did. i'm simultaneously trying too hard and not trying at all.

i'm not feeling very familiar
i've got an itch on my brain that moves linear
got myself tongue tied in my head
got myself bruising from springs on a foreign bed

got some words
got some thoughts
sounds windy outside in bed
feels windy inside of my head
changing directions
lists of altercations
i'm tired of being inconsistent on the surface
while only ever overcompensating in my brain
everything that seems to be different
still seems the same

my eyes don't bat
with your heels on my back
i keep a straight face
when blades take ribs' place
walk over and on
i've heard a similar song

i am feeling restless and unwell
i am feeling less mess and more similar to hell
hearing the bell isn't making me take a seat
i'm tired of talking out of my *** to everyone i meet
like i have something to say from my lips
most assume it's all just in my hips
but it's in my hands and it's in my heart
it's in my brain and it comes out in my art

if you really knew me that well, you'd be telling people you don't know me very well

if you want to face the darkness
come up to where i am and meet it
i'm done hearing you talk of my darkness
as if you've really seen it

still got me
tongue tying me
me lying to me

i'm walking a tightrope

it started as a beam
until i realized i no longer dream
there are no more bursts
there are no more flames
there's a shakiness in my voice
but it still sounds the same

i wonder some days if you'll come back

i know most days you never will

hate me for reasons you think are funny
i've hated me for reasons you wouldn't think to smirk at
try again and look within
i'm not the enemy
what's got you goin'
zoom out from zooming in on me
i'll forget your name in a day
forget mine and repair your tooth decay
of biting on your words
that aren't meant to be digested
but spit out and tested
your mind needs a new grip
your mind needs a good trip
back off and out
or lay back and pout
i'm not going anywhere

will you be a victim?
or a victor?
i won't look into the faces that lie of their darkness
i won't look into the faces that lie about my own
you know more than just the things that hurt
you know less than what hurts me
who are you to say a **** thing
about what decays inside of me?
you can't
because you'll never be there
and i'll never let you in

lying to yourself
isn't forgiving yourself
take time to tell the truth
take time to feel your youth
corner darkness in the open
put truth in all corners to soak in

i am a pro
at not being able to know
what “too much information” is

when it's mid-beat
i'll make your mind take a seat

i'm artist turned narcisstic
so what i've got to say
i think it's gonna make you wonder the same
i usually think it's gonna save your day

but what is too much information
and why do i have to measure it for you
why do you want all of my information handed over to you
and in which format this information is measured,
i haven't got a single clue.
when the digital screen reads "uncomfortable"?
when the red arrow reaches "too"?

too much information is a concept i may not know,
but i know what i don't want to give you.
my time isn't measured like your information
gotta wonder why my time being observed on your time too

so, yeah, i've got information.
but not a single dose for you
i've got heart and i've got time

i can never have too much
because i don't have enough
all while never knowing
who even gives a ****

you wanna hear me complain ?
doubt it
i don't want to hear you
i get it
i'm vain
what else do you want me to say
i don't have fancy word play
but i still have things to say
and ideas to marinate in your brain

meet me half-way

posting something isn't professing something yet we treat it like they're all just short confessionals
not everything is so vague, sometimes things are exactly what they seem
meaning nothing
so chill out

past exteriors and your fingerprints that cover them

you sneak out from my skin
my spine
why try to cover up
what is going to soon pour out
you've got my strings ******* in knots

no memory stays fresh forever
saturation floods away
and pixels replace your pores
but they form roots in my spine
and justification for my irrational fears
become harder to reach

i can't fight you off
and you can't forget your roots

You want to pluck me like a flower but you don't know that I'm a ****

short lived passion with boys
that cut their lips on their own words
cracking mouths and cracking voices
cracking knuckles and cracking backs

you told me it's like
i have sparks in my head
i told you i liked
the way i felt in your bed
but choices are choices
and they're mine alone
it's not about feeling small comforts
it's about feeling at home

i was told confessing thoughts
even if they aren't necessarily secrets
can be healing.
well i had really terrifying dreams as a child.
i wish i spoke up back then.
i wish i told someone how much they actually scared me.
because it's years later
and i'm not a little girl anymore.
the things that are terrifying me
exist in my reality
or in my irrationality...
and i'm rubbing my eyes at 4:00am
with the illusion
that reality is up in the clouds
with the rest of the memories from my childhood
that taught me what fear was.
not really real
not really there
in my imagination.
or at least i could pretend.
what was reality in my childhood that scared me
i never told a soul.
my secret keeping skills were gold.
and while the plot thickens
and my skin stretches into it's 23rd year
my dreams slip through my fingers.
and my soles are soaked.

learning to hold the hand
of all my darkness
i am not afraid to feel pain
i am not afraid to lose light.
after all,
the sun always rises
with every mourning

and it isn't fair
you lie for comfort
lie for this weekend's new girl
she isn't your world
though i bet she believes she will be forever
for tonight only she's your universe
and you told me i was your light
at the center of what you're spinning through
and i tell you
i can't trust you
you wonder why
why?
you're a lie
now let me show you my music
that you think you're too cool to hear
let me show you my music
let me show you my dance
this little star is done shining here
reflecting off your moons
that spin in the wrong directions
eclipsing over truth can only last so long
in no time at all
your little planets you keep easily in your reach
aren't going to survive
without your star to shine for you
i'm not your warmth
i never was
you were a winter
and i've been in your shadow all along

i've got paper cuts from every passing chapter
i belong to no one
and no one belongs to me
i see it as feeling free
with something still missing
and with what do we fill these painful voids?
we fill our emptiness with the presently absent soul of another
both moving through the different passing energies with one another
while sharing secrets and our softest skin
sharing feelings and inspirations and visions within
and then when the void finally overflows and heals
why do so many people then walk away?

I can feel words burning holes into my back.

seems fitting
your name starts
with what is known as the beginning
but ends with an x
like you put over my face
in every memory
like forgery
write me off
because soon enough
i'll stop missing you

you're not a saint
but keep beating that dead animal like you are
bring it back to life
put those strings on the limbs
make it dance
dance for your world
that you're still so desperate to impress
dance for your pride
dance for your ego
dance for yourself
that's all we ever were doing
spinning in circles around your sensitivities
spinning in circles around what i was doing wrong
i'm hearing a ringing in my head
echoes of your tantrums
when you couldn't respond
only cross your arms
and fall into yourself
where you danced in your self pity
danced in your despair
i'm not the composer of your songs
you're singing to yourself baby
and you have been all along

I am hollowed.
However,
the nice thing
about things that are hollow :
they can be filled back up.

it's like a love hangover
after your heart has drowned

and whether i mean it or not
i'm telling you now

i'm never
drinking love in
again.

when does even love
become no longer enough
to save us

i told you i needed you
you said you were going to go to bed

they say it's only human to feel this way
like that is supposed to make me feel less afraid

touch my skin
use your fingerprints as bullets
i want to become the beautiful thing that you are

fragile eyes tell no lies
look in mine and hear what it is i'm not saying
i'm always growing
and so are you
but with broken petals
and dried up roots
what ground is there to cling to
if the ground has nothing for me to live for

pull from my spine all the grudges i can't get rid of
i wish for your memories of me
to remain only with gold ties along their edges
but there's damage in your lips and mine
but once there was love instead
where tears drip over and strangers meet
please pull from my heart all the memories i can't forget
my toes are attached with weights
at the bottom of the ocean of your bloodstream
and i can't find a way to cut the strings
pull from my eyes all the intangible images i can't burn
the images i can't rip in half and set flying into the night sky
pull your skin's memory from my fingerprints
erase erase erase erase erase erase erase

you can't touch what burns
from the inside out
you'll only blister and bleed
i'm not what you need

you wanna move on
i will too
watch you walk away
hold my breath til i turn blue
i don't wanna feel alive
until you cross behind the moon
i told you i loved to you the stars
told you we were two hearts in tune
you held my hand and agreed
you said being with me felt free
so i'll hold my breath
i don't wanna feel alive
not until you're out of sight
i don't wanna feel alive
not until you see the wrong
in what you think is right