Lately I've been haunting my ghosts back
just as much as they haunt me
visions of silhouettes against stain glass
crisp autumn air in our mourning
I keep an iron grip in my mind
of every texture, every scent,
every feeling, and what everything meant
The darkness of November always sneaks up on me
and even without light, it's blinding
November always rips away at me
sometimes in a way that hurts me
other times, in a way that's healing
I don't always have the time to dissect it
I don't always find a way to understand it
I just feel it
and let it wash over me
because there's always art waiting
on the other side of the misery

Lately I've been haunting my ghosts back
just as much as they haunt me
visions of silhouettes against stain glass
crisp autumn air in our mourning
I keep an iron grip in my mind
of every texture, every scent,
every feeling, and what everything meant
The darkness of November always sneaks up on me
and even without light, it's blinding
November always rips away at me
sometimes in a way that hurts me
other times, in a way that's healing
I don't always have the time to dissect it
I don't always find a way to understand it
I just feel it
and let it wash over me
there's art on the other side of the misery

Land of the free, land of "me me me"
when it should be "we";
it should be community
with a priority of protecting
your neighbors,
your daughters,
your sons,
mothers, and fathers
and their right to choose,
their right to live,
their right to freedom,
and their right to give
to any cause, to any God,
to have autonomy of their bodies
that don't bear the weight of laws.
Land of the free, only if you can afford it
and if you need help, don't ask for it,
you'll get shamed for it.
Land of the free, unless it's asylum you seek;
you'll be called dangerous, lazy, and weak.
I want to see acts of kindness
I want to see acts of peace
I so tired of this narrative
I'm tired of the collective grief.
This rollercoaster is never ending,
with constant spinning, turning,
and worrying
about the safety of my body
the safety of my peers,
the rich getting richer
and politicians mongering fears.
And then using it to their advantage
using it to get ahead,
no matter who it might hurt,
no matter who it might leave dead.
Land of the free, collectively screaming
but only ever at each other
at our neighbors, our children,
our fathers and mothers.
And for what? To feel glory?
To feel holy?
Are we really so lost
that we can't recognize repeating history?
Because saying "it could be worse"
means you think the loss of freedom for others is fine
you only hear their stories as complaining
and their terrified voices as a whine.
I don't know where we go from here
I don't know where to put the pain
I don't know how to make people understand
the importance of caring...
about a fellow human's well-being
beyond your own carcass
about the light and life in others
being swallowed by darkness.
Because I believe that freedom for others
doesn't affect any freedom for me
It isn't always about equality
it's about equity.
Oppression of other's freedoms is abhorrent;
why be so afraid to swim against the current?
Land of the free if you've got the right skin tone,
land of the free if you've got the right "parts"
yet the folks who know true oppression,
are so often the ones with the biggest hearts
who continue to believe in community,
who believe the oppressed and their stories,
who care for the well being of others
and no need for personal glory.
Give us liberty.

water rings collecting
from the condensation of my beers on your end table
no air conditioning, summer sweating
water rings reflecting
in the glow from rope lights draped across your ceiling
I remembered every single moment from that night for nine years
and it's those small moments
you tell yourself you'll never forget
so you study every shadow
every sight, every dusty beam of light
but time passes and you still end up forgetting
when you never thought you could
you just keep getting buried
but I'll take whatever I can get
I'm glad I had my camera strapped around my neck
it's how I trapped those memories for only me
back then it was for love
now it's for tragedy
good intentions are fleeting
because in mere moments passing
they're already transforming
you're the cat making biscuits out of my brain matter
years ******* later

I've got a brain like an old manor
always haunting the hallways of my own mind
and thinking there's gonna be something new I'll find;
but I never do.
I only ever find you....
everyone...
and them...
time and time again.
I keep my love in an asylum
safe from violence behind the walls I've built
I steadily keep both eyes on the doors
and my hands on the hilt.
But lately, this sword feels double-edged
protecting myself, but ultimately forming a wedge
between me and something secure
because showing vulnerability has never held much allure.
I've got a ribcage like a cathedral
stained glass expands from every breath within
I've got a heart like a sanctuary
church benches filling up with anyone I ever let in.
But they're all fusing to the surfaces,
because I can't let anything go
I've been taught what it feels like,
but I still don't know.
I don't have room for too many more
I've got to chisel out room or find a new door
to make my heart just like a prairie
ever vast and ever winding
with soil that's meant for growing.

is the light really gone,
or am i hiding from it.
accepting things,
for everything.
not changing things,
that can be changed.
staying silent
when i should speak.
am i the enemy,
or is it the light.
(2011)

Hold me like a dry flower
because my petals are still hungry
I'm thirsty, come on and fill me up
I don't turn technicolor for just anyone

it was a time you don't remember
when your body was broken
and your heart burned like ember

you think only of yourself
told me we were on the same team
now my silence is my self defense
because it's better not to speak
I refuse to think that's weak
I'm protecting what's mine

While you were looking for more of my skin
to trace your calloused fingers across,
I was still looking for a way to let you back in
after shutting down and pushing you out;
I spent an eternity wandering the hallways of my mind on your couch.
And I don't want it to be difficult; I know it's going to be sometimes
it's been weeks now, and you're all that's been on my mind.
And I know you feel that way, too.
I'm scared of losing my breath, of my lips turning blue;
Because I want to be able to talk to you,
but I still wonder if you'll be able to hear
all the music in my aura that plays so clear...
I feel the vibrations all the time,
soundwaves on repeat in my mind,
I think they'll harmonize with yours if we let them...
I want you to really see me for who I am,
and I know there's a chance you could,
but I'm scared of being disappointed,
I'm scared of being misunderstood.
So tread lightly as you're running through my mind,
please be careful in any of my darkness you find.
If you discover yourself hearing my aura's music play,
the melody will double as lanterns to light your way.
The walls are always building, the halls are ever turning
you've just gotta want to keep exploring
You've got to want to keep going

My voice may get shakey
whenever I cry or when I sing,
but I take my photographs steadily,
and make them really mean something.
There's confessions in everything;
in my memories, in my bones,
in my poetry, in my songs
on the gravel roads where I meet god...
I can't look at anything without seeing expression
and I can't remember living without my depression
So what happens when there's peace?
There's a certain discomfort in that space
There's art everywhere and I want to swim in it
but I'm so often being rushed away in the current...
sinking at sea until the water is no longer blue
I keep forgetting you can't go around,
you always gotta go through...
And while I might be feeling a loss,
while I might be feeling lonely,
I've got plenty of things that I consider as wealth,
none of them being money.
So I'm gonna wipe away my tears
I'm gonna continue to sing
and there's gonna be nothing that stops me
from seeing art in everything.

My trauma isn't based in arguments of woman vs man,
It's patterns vs observation;
Post-traumatic self-preservation.
Giving explanations to my hesitation
is a sign of my thirst for consolation,
not an invitation to argue my trauma into rehabilitation
when you don't have all the information...
My heart sleeps every night under a deep rooted tree formation
that shades over all of my humiliation and devastation.
I may be miles away from where I first experienced my trust's suffocation,
I just need to rest here for a little while longer...
The sun is healing and always comes out eventually,
but I can't heal from any light that's cast artificially.
While destruction to my foundation eventually brings creation,
that which is planted can not sprout without germination...
I'm still waiting for my seed's coat to rupture
so I can spread my roots into the earth and learn to trust her.
I'm rebuilding the burned down home that housed my trust in men,
I'm laying bricks down every day until I can believe again....
That I'm not in danger anymore.
That I can move my body away from the door I've been barricaded against,
long before the break in, and ever since.
Because the punches just kept coming;
It was never raining, it was always pouring.
And I'm still floating in those wells that are shaded deeply under trees.
It's not a challenge for you to find a resolve to...
I'm not looking to argue.
I just want you to believe that I'm trying every day,
that I'm not stubborn in my ways...
I'm finding a way out of the darkness; I'm finding a way to feel safe.
I'm always looking for the light.

tell me again about how you're living life different
about your rose colored cheeks and swimming against the current
you've got me filled with artificial intensity
while you're leaking out your acidic hypocrisy

Scrolling my phone mindlessly
breezing past a selfie from someone in a bar
on the windowsills I used to sit...
I don't necessarily miss it;
but there's melancholy for the memories,
the smell of cigarettes on my fingertips,
and ***** soaking my worries...
tonight it feels like that could be nice,
cause I haven't been able to sleep for days...
been having nightmares every time I do;
and everything I write just feels redundant
but I've got so much I wanna say...
summer makes me feel more lonely
than when I'm under winter skies,
got so many parts of myself I don't recognize...
but every street has a memory,
and I'm just trying to move on
where bartenders once memorized my drinks,
they now probably wouldn't remember my name....
quit smoking **** in the spring
I'm spending money recklessly
******* myself over royally
I just wanna feel something good

Aurora borealis skies
bruises on my thighs
high fidelity type of ****
sharing the same color palette
I never get tired
of looking at those hues
but only when I'm looking up,
or directly at you
cause I'll ignore all the colors
when looking down on my own pores
unless I put it there deliberately with a brush
covering my sores
by mimicking the stars
with glitter crush
I could have stayed under that sky all night
to try and spin myself a thread made out of the light
because I've got a deep desire
to stitch that borealis glow right into my scars
to make that sparkle become my seams
to produce tones that replace muscle memory screams
Yet all the same,
the struggles teach something
and it's that these scars
are a requisite to growing
and bravery seeps out when I leave them showing
because there's a glow in melancholy
and sometimes, in metaphorically burst veins
because when art comes from tragedy
there's a glow in pain

That never needed stitching

I want to unravel my brain’s threads
that collectively weigh me down like lead
Turn the strings into blankets,
and make a fort in my living room to shelter inside of.
Every day rituals with intention to gift me peace,
are slowly becoming chores to avoid guilt and grief.
I thought life would be so different.
I never thought it would be this hard;
and while b0mbs fall on children,
I’m feeling sorry for myself and my deck of cards.
I'm daydreaming in dystopia.

When I think of memories
depicting feelings of my personal freedom
there’s always a cool breeze in my hair
and when the day is over
there’s a musty scent in my hair
from soaking in every step I took
and every dance I twirled under the prairie sky
I’m always chasing that feeling
my lungs opening up into wings
catching my breath so my freedom sings
but reality soaks through all good things
and the dark side of capitalism makes us all prisoners
a country divided keeps raising up the controllers
and we continue on in our division
petty crimes making up mass incarceration
dangerous men walking free and calling it justice
I'm tired of this
I wanna believe in good intentions
I wanna believe in honest testimony
tears covering up lies and misery loving company
we keep running in different directions competing in the same race
telling those born without boots to pull them up by their straps
while they're licking the boots of the man

Racing as fast as I can
to a finish line I'll never cross
always feeling like I gotta let people know
about every win and every loss
Main character syndrome that plagues me
an ego that has broken others
while completely shattering me
Putting my foot in my mouth
out of pride or jealousy
and when I see too much of my shadow
I'm right back to running
And while strong is a way I'm often perceived
so much of my actions feel cowardly
And
I'm not proud, I want to be
But
I'm learning
Growing, healing

Last vehicle in the carpool
and I'm in the back seat
thousands of people deep
for front seats to the next season of life
all waiting to move out and on
not even sure where we are going
just gotta keep moving...
and I may not be not religious
but I'm always praying
perhaps not to anything godly
but I'd like to think
there's something listening

My worries hold a *****
and have been digging into my bones,
settling in and getting cozy,
as if returning home.
I'd like to say I feel the same,
but I'm far from comfort here;
I'd like to say I've got an exit,
but I can't find any that are near.
There's far to many steps to take,
and I've got anchors in my chest;
I'll run out of air before I'm able
to not feel like such a mess.

Disturbing my peace
I fought so hard to achieve
Reality doesn't slow down for anything
I'm walking through town with a fog surrounding me
noise proof headphones connected only to my anger and pain
trying to figure out how to move through life the same
It isn't reasonable to think I could
because if I could, I ******* would...
Worlds flip upside down every day
the kind of **** you hear about on tv
is happening down the street
And slowing down for processing isn't happening
keep it up and keep grinding
Reality doesn't slow down for anything

Humidity on me
feeling like condensation forming
my skin is the plastic shell
and there's so much I'm bottling
Everything I can't speak on freely
tired of being only worthy of your lusting
and never your loving
you tell me your deepest secrets
but let's keep things casual
I wanna know what you're thinking about me
but it's always someone else, something
And that's okay, I get it
I'm not easing to give loving to
time took me down a valley
and I'm not sure if I ever ended up exiting
just sat on the ledge kicking my feet
before I grabbed your skateboard
and dropped back in willingly
I wanna float back up
but I forgot how much crawling it took to get to the edge
my fingernails are always busted
so it's hard to feel my scratching
but I hope you at least know I'm there
inbetween the creases of your brain's waves
kicking my feet on the surface

Celebrate the bare minimum
still always end up begging
Always playing catch up
whether it's sleep or money
Crosses don't resemble sanctuary
not every space is safe for me
And when sadness and anger
register in my brain just the same
I don't feel safe anywhere I go
I've got both on speed dial
and I'm always pocket dialing
I wanna feel the sky screaming back at me
throwing my head back and belting
swallowing clouds whole from breathing
You were talking and I wasn't listening
I'm in my own head again, dreaming
of dimly lit streets, sticky skin, slowly pedaling
biking towards something,
but mostly wandering, wondering.

Make sure you've made the time
Get enough sleep and exercise  
Swallow all that sadness
bring yourself to the surface and start to move
You've done so much already,
but you've got a lot more to prove
Make sure you're making enough money
you look great in shades resembling exploiting
Fit in, get along, don't rock the boat
the water is frozen, so don't forget your coat
but make sure it flatters your figure
I don't know how to swim
but somehow I'm still here wading
while others are nearly drowning
sadness and anger register in my brain just the same
I can't keep acting like it's not driving me insane
I just need more time

I'm the girl you call at midnight
never the girl you call in the afternoon
I'm the girl you can't stop thinking about
but ignore me when I'm in the same room
I'm better as a day dream
but I wanna be someone's reality
I'm so tired of isolating
I wanna have fun and be silly
I'm tired of carrying this armor
that I'm not even ******* wearing
it's a dead weight like my past toxic lovers
I'm wide open and uncovered
it's up to you to pull back the veil
I've burned mine

You've got me
on a roller coaster of emotions
And such is life
but
I wanna feel my feet on ground

I want to factory reset my heart
I gotta find the hidden button
All I need is a safety pin
and no fear to commit to it
But that's easier said than done, isn't it?
Because being vulnerable is alarming
and standing strong in it is daunting
I'm being wound up like a mechanical toy
and expecting to provide new tricks
You're sight seeing in my body cavity
and expecting it to be a little less scary
I come with some darkness baby
I should have warned you, but you didn't warn me
And isn't that a little terrifying?
Going in blind with someone you think is interesting
not knowing the history of their hauntings
mean while I'm just hoping
that you don't find my ghosts before I find yours
I wanna find out the strength of my possessor
before they take over
Because I go zero to a hundred in less time than most
My brain gets taken over and I'm only the host
While you're still window shopping women
and I'm still window shopping men
Until the possessor loses grip
and I start to feel better again
I wanna find that button

I want to factory reset my heart
I gotta find the hidden button
all I need is a safety pin
and no fear to commit to it

You're drawing with sharpies all over your arms
cause you ran out of paper
I'm sitting in the passenger seat
my seatbelt making my necklace press into my sternum
listening to you screaming
about something that holds no meaning
but you think if you're loud enough
maybe it'd start to give you clarity
I can't remember the details of all the fights
I just remember the never ending nights
the scribbles on your walls, the overhead lights  
a portrait of Bob Ross ripping from its corners
covering the hole you punched through your closet door
the bathroom with college boy's hair all over the floor
Happy accidents?
I didn't know back then
how much you'd **** up my head
when we finally parted ways
you practically wished me dead
and that's still got me angry
that's still got me defensively thinking
It's so easy to blame you for everything
but I'm here still wanting to show you things
and it's a gut punch like I've never felt
knowing the cards I was dealt
and that I kept playing
all that I kept allowing
But shame is the killer of everything that is good
I can't blame myself for not doing what I should
there's been enough time that's passed now
I know it now better than I ever could
that you were a chapter
I never should have entered
but I'll take the lessons with me
as I walk through the hallways of former miseries
whenever something is triggering
I wanna open new doors
or leave this building completely
but my heart is the foundation under all the creaking
I wanna feel like I'm being listened to when I'm speaking
but men keep putting me in these boxes
and there's no doors for me to open freely
so I carve out my own window and run wildly
I don't have time for late night confessions
that you won't remember in the morning
I want the sun shining when we meet
so I can be under the moon dancing
maybe you'll join me
Until then, I'll continue my wandering
and my exiting

I'm not an aura to bask in
I'm not a butterfly in a cage
I'm not meant to be on a pedestal
I'm meant to be on a stage

I'm not a light in your darkness
I've just got light shining on me
I'm not an adrenaline rush to chase
just because you find me exciting

Romanticizing is isolating
and I don't find it flattering
If you put me in a box
I'm always going to be exiting

And I won't be held accountable
for your inability to truly see
that I'm not an experience
to live up to your day dreams

You don't know me
you know what I let you see
and then you fill in the blanks
and expect me to start performing

I wish you didn't write in ink
because I can't erase what you think
no matter what I correct
there's still residue
of what you thought I owed you

When it's nothing

It finally started raining
the same day we called it quits
too many days of distance
We needed a shift that wasn't in my gears
I can't keep screaming words into closed ears
you're the rubber and I'm glue; nothing sticks to you
But maybe part of me was rubber too
because I never could love as much as you
But I could never show it as little as you do
Words only hold substance if action shines with them
and senses only gain strength with wisdom
So I'll do my best to consider this a gift
most lessons are
I don't need a shooting star
I need the rain

How can anyone love you
if you don't love yourself?
That's the **** they say
when someone's self hatred is getting in the way
of everyone else having a good time
I'm sorry I'm feeling so down
I wanna love myself more
but I don't think I gotta do that first to be deserving
so I stopped showing, I stopped going
and now I'm a little too used to isolating
I'm trying to find small steps towards changing
it's marathon not a race
but I still feel like all I can do is sprint
if it isn't happening over night, I'm not in it
and that's a cop out from reality
good things take time, but I'm hungry
I want to taste the change instantly
just blame it on my ADHD

Time
I always want more time
I can't get any more time
I want to crush it up and snort a line
of purely time
time that's all mine
I want to feel free and unhinged
and
I love my hair after a day of adventure,
it's dusty, it's musty
the smell reminds me of old books
holding something special within their pages
just like I hold within my strands
I don't want to have shaky knees when I stand
I want to run without loosing my breath
I want to run without it hurting my chest
and
I don't want to be treated like a vacation
I'm not your escape from reality
because I ******* live there too
I’m not something to discover
I'm don't have soil to push your flag pole into
Because I’m just as lost as you
and I've got a feeling you think you have a map
Drink another cup of coffee and wake up
This isn't a game you've played before
can't use old tactics to get her
and if it’s gonna be a game
rest assured, I play it better  
I just want more time
time that's mine
I don't have any more to give to you
I don't have any more energy to try

Our northern winter bled on for so long
the green of spring still feels like a hallucination
I'm addicted to the smell and the nostalgia rushing
I'm willingly taking the next dose
getting eye level with the soil
and snorting it up my nose
Because I want to feel this way forever
I want to feel an eternal spring
but isn't the point of winter
to feel what the ending brings?

White walls and grey cupboards
old wood frames and rubber stoppers
I'm in a new state of mind
In a new environment, but it's all mine
I'm ready to start something new
I'm thirsty and need to fill my cup
it's open in every single direction
and I'm only looking up
Cause I'm not ready to start spinning
and finding my footing
only when my face smashes into the ground
I'm just focusing on the walls around me
and learning their sounds
I'm finding my groove
after some pretty big moves
I'm learning my speed
slowly
surely

Sometimes, I still view relationships in adulthood as if I were a kid. It's important to enjoy playing together, otherwise, we will just argue and not have fun when we try to. So why push it? Better to accept we aren't good at playing together & stay out of each other's business.

Butterflies in my stomach coming for my throat
I'll never be afraid of speaking up ever again

I use melancholy like currency
it's the cost of creating what my mouth can't mutter
and then I'm ready for another hit
back swimming in beautiful, sparkling gutters
and I know I can't claim this feeling,
I just know what it means to me
and I want to feel seen
but I'm still wondering if you even hear me
so give me more melancholy
give me enough of it,
and my creations are practically screaming
if you know how to speak the language of my art
you'd know my heart
and while I haven't figured out a way to translate it
I think some might get it
and perhaps that's enough for me to keep going
I just need another hit

walking barefoot
in between changes of scenery
ribs that creak like floorboards,
and I wonder if you hear me
I'm sorry if I'm disturbing,
I'm not accustomed to doing the haunting
I want to stay a little longer if you'll let me
before it all starts disappearing

Sold my soul for a warm body to lay next to
some call that codependence
I call it no direction
after a season of depression
falling head straight in to the dirt
and into the arms of whoever grabs you first
cuffing season is definitely a thrill
where we're all out for the ****
we want it all to stay the same
we can't accept everything's changed
on the other side of the darkness
why did I think anyone would be there waiting
I'm not the only one who's changing

Spring fever hit me like a ton of bricks today...
I fell into it like it was meant to be, so I'm okay.
I've been dreaming of a humid summer night...
the kind right before the dark takes the light.
I'm waiting on a beautiful grassy scene...
I don't even mind the allergic reaction on my knees.
I'm in the grass, I'm in the breeze--tension released.
I'm a big fan of daydreaming.

shame is the keeper of the keys
decides what can't be decided for me
I have free will, but shame makes it look unreal
just out of reach, hard to please
because shaming is easier
than showing an ounce of vulnerability
but there's something about a dirt road
that gives me the ability
to turn my lens on something that channels it all
into something deeper that shame can't touch
my art is my strength, even if it's a crutch
my vulnerability flows like an open sea
curls your hair with an air that's salty
you can touch me when I'm there
I've got art flowing through me and the ends of my hair
I want to find a way to keep that state of mind
until then I'll keep chasing the high

My dreamland
is never soft or warm
but I find comfort in it still

getting mad about making sacrifices
that no one asked you to make
always keeping track of exactly what you give
and never what you take

headphones hit a little different sometimes
melody striking me right in the ******* spine
I wanna break open every feeling I'm suppressing
tired of keeping my own self guessing
on what's gonna get conjured up next
I'm not saving money, so I won't make bets
I'm spending
so I'd rather take another loss
rewind me, get that dust off me, what's the cost?
I've got light leaks bleeding into my brain
nostalgia like film strips developing in wood stain
I wanna find a new way to dig deep
I wanna find a melancholy that doesn't seep
into the depths of me that end up poisoning
it doesn't belong in my bloodstream
but it enters through my lungs
I breathe it in every time I think
which is constant, and burying
I'm ready to move into a new year
find a new perspective that's a little more clear
get a new grip on reality
that doesn't give me blisters or make me bleed
feel the wind on my face
that doesn't come with a warning
I'm already freezing

you know I'm like the moon
I shine in darkness
so I seek it

Feeling disconnected from my sense of self
struggling with my mental health
the symmetry of the struggle
mirroring itself in all of our faces
all while feeling out of place
not wanting to take up too much space
or waste any more time
because it keeps passing by faster
and my eyes keep fluttering
looking out the window trying to catch a sight
but all I've got are these headlights
tunnel visioning on a destination
that I don't have the directions to
I'd ask, but I don't think I should
hell, I don't even know who would
so I'll keep driving
high beams on empty streets
just waiting for the next exit