problem solving a cryptic
different limbs
warmer, but not quite
textured and scarred
hollowed out and barred
hard to decipher
through all my icy layers
hard to get me to warm up
I want you, but not enough
committing is too tough
disappointing men is my hidden talent
I'm inconsistent
inconclusive
desperately secretive, secretly desperate
to be loved the right way
to love the same way
to trust the hands that hold my heart
for the hidden parts of me I show in my art
to be paired with a free-flowing counterpart
but I am ambivalent about everything
it feels like there's no way of escaping
I want a grand gesture
but I want to be left alone
I want to make art all the time
while listening to the saddest songs I know
it hurts
so ******* good though
I want someone who understands it
and drinks it all in as I pour it
and doesn't choke or sink into the floor with it
I know I'm icy, I'm cryptic
and playing up the part that I'm not a romantic
because if I'm being honest
I'm a lover
and I don't think I was ever yours
cause I didn't want to be just another
I didn't want to be your mother
your therapist, your ***
I felt like a hidden world being left undiscovered
toxic qualities can adapt into healthy lessons learned
but only if you're careful...
my melancholy isn't here to be used for bonding
I don't want to talk in circles
about how we're both sad and longing
lift me up and I'll lift you
keep shining baby and I'll shine back at you
I don't want to be sad in love

I create dream worlds in my head,
an extension of inner self that’s hard to get,
I haven’t seen her face yet

I get so caught up in being a mystery
I forget there’s power in vulnerability
but I’m not here to empower weak men
if they don’t challenge me positively
I will only destroy them,
and swallow whole, on toasted bread
If they can’t empower or inspire me back,
I’m gone, I’m bored, eyes all black
I’m so done giving time I can’t get back

Ingrained in me, stuck with me.
The darkness never really leaves.
It hides until it starts to bleed.
An old friend returning dramatically.
Traumatically.
Bold as can be.
The company longed for by misery.
I’ve become less afraid of it lately.
It’s hiding.
The sun is shining.
I can make it out to the other side fine then.
Just keep finding the light.

I never wanted your hands on me anyway
You haunt me still in so many ways

and here's the thing
I don't give a ****
about what you think I might have said about you
over five years ago
in coversations that were once private
with someone who doesn't **** with me anymore
leave the drama at the door
stop keeping score