Stop saying sorry
for things you’re not sorry for
In the workplace
In a retail store
In every day life
Stop saying sorry so much
You’re doing fine
So long as you’re trying

cryptic ****
that only you'd get
you're not really here anyway

triggered at the expense of expression
life cruelly trying to teach you a lesson
about what's worth something or anything to you
in regards to your feelings or someone new's

unlearning
to not be jealous
I wanna be happy for your success
I wanna have your back
I want you to have mine
unlearning
to not assume your attitude
unlearning
to not assume that you're assuming mine
unlearning
after learning cruelty all this time
I'm not competing
I'm daydreaming
I'm generally unphased
I go my own way
I’m happy for you, girl
go take on the world

we've all got something,
an old feeling we're chasing...
vivid memories cling to me
persons, places, and things
I know they only matter to me
like crisp night bike rides down dimly lit residential streets
but I want to share them.
remember them.
make someone feel something
like I did
all those nights ago...
feels like re-watching my favorite show...
or I don't know
it's nostalgia baby
I'm the nostalgia lady
the overwhelming abstract familiarity
of something you once knew...
when I get those nostalgic scents
I feel it, doesn't matter what it is
bus engine exhaust reminds me of when my heart was still his.
condensation on coke bottles remind me of the cold floor
the cracked door
the drunk 20-somethings, such a bore...
when I was in middle school
I used to write the hockey player's jersey numbers
on my hands and notebooks when I thought they were cute
some people would catch on, they got real rude
back the ******* dude  
why are you looking
I'd pretend it was my lucky number
that it was only coincidence
I'd say, you better not tell him
they always did
fourteen years old, I couldn't tell you what love was
don't know if even I could now
some days I think I just might hate you
being wrapped up in your delusions is gonna break you
think you're too far gone for them to make you better
and I just keep thinking about other ****...
why do I think life would be easier if I was skinnier?
what a ******* trainwreck...
nostalgia for lighter days,
I'm high for days on end...
I can't pretend I'm on the mend to make you feel better
anxiety says the old me feels best, but I want to forget her
I'm tripping on expectations of future lovers
as if I've already met them
I'd like to call them my future canker sores
after the crash and burn we'll be gargling salt water
turn and spit
repeat and pick up where we left off when we get bored
scars are scores
I'll just get high to Lana
act like I don't give a **** about your new lover
in some new poem about how you ****** me up for good

For the past two years, my depression has been slithering across my brain like a snake in the grass. Like a bug I can't squish. Like a smudge I can't clean off completely, no matter how much I scratch, scrub, or scrape. I'm a realist with an imagination. I know what's happening in my brain. I recognize my triggers, my bad influences, and the surroundings in which I exist that contribute directly to my unhappiness. But what good does knowing do me? The snake started slithering again. I can know the chemical imbalances... but what good does knowing them do me? I have the chemical symbols tattooed on my forearms to remind me, since I was 20. I'm tired of these tattoos, too, if I'm being honest. They don't help like they used to. I want to cover them up. I've always loved butterflies. Maybe I'll do that. I wish I cared enough, to be able to hate them enough, to then have the drive necessary to save the money, make the appointment, and get them covered up. I keep feeling my desires to once again reinvent myself bubbling up from the very depths of me, but when it comes up, I stare at my desire in the face, and I turn & run away from it and curl up inside of the shell of myself.

The snake started slithering again.
I feel it across my brain...
I know it so well,
I've given it a name.
I want to forget it,
but it all stays the same.