I feel like I've got a double ******* chin
what a win for the year
I've got a terrible relationship with the mirror
**** whatever it is that makes me so ashamed of my weight
and **** whatever man wouldn't **** me because of my weight
I've got a lot of good **** to offer
so whatever
life isn't about being happy all the time
it strikes misery and I still gotta do my grind
life doesn't give me the ******* at a good time
just for my convenience
life doesn't care about my convenience
or your convenience
just be unhappy for a little while
swim around in your stomach's bile
maybe you'll learn something new
but it's hard to see the light in different shades of dark blue
it's there in the headlights on the highway on a midnight cruise

must be pure bliss in your world
no regard for anyone while you twirl
I wish I could throw you off your axis
wish I could throw you wider than your mouth is
smiling while you're *******
about something new that's annoying
while you leech on to the naive and what they're giving
you've got the knife for my back on a clip in your boot
you're ready to strike and I'm ready to lose
fighting you isn't worth it
bullheaded beyond reason and it makes me sick
you make me ******* sick
you're the worst type of person to know
you're the worst person I know

I get lumped into that same category
of the ***** you hate because of your insecurities
(I've got a lot of insecurities myself)
making new friends is exhausting
(but isn't always)
and I'm tired of being read wrong
(even writing this is dangerous)
I love all of my friends till the end
(and trust me, I've got some good ones,
this goes out to the old shady ones,
the ones who gripped the knife, drove in the tip
then acted like they wanted to help me find out who did it)
but my silence is my self-defense
to be made to feel poisonous ***** with my head
if we can pick **** up where we left off
that's a friend to me, & a bond that's tough
I keep to myself
but I've got your back if you've got mine
my door is always open if you need a little time
to figure out what's going on in your head
I've got time even if I'm in bed
we'll smoke a joint about it
I'll lift you up
all while I'm in my own pit
of misery... are you here for me?
and yeah, I get it
my internal nature makes people unsure
my hidden anxiety and self-doubt makes it all blur
got you thinking “what the **** is wrong with her?”
but what the **** was wrong with you?
The minute you betrayed me I was through
after that,
if you think I'm constantly wondering what you're up to
you should find a different surface than a mirror to look into
I've got my own ****
lots of it
and I'd always hope you'd be there at the end of it
but I got quiet
& unless I was constantly in-motion and talking, reassuring
I'm not important...
I'm the negative side of alluring
I know it's easy to go straight to gossiping
you create a different version of me in your head
because of things left unsaid
you're a big girl
I wish you had used your words instead
I know you'd like it a lot if there was something I had said
to make you this upset
but I was quiet.
I'm just like you.
lost and stuck in my head
unsure of what to do
and I'm a good ******* friend
it's a shame it had to end
but I'm glad you took your misery around another bend
lower your expectations
and get over yourself again
until you get yourself another quiet friend
that you can't quite control
you're on a roll
and completely miserable

so many women say
they wish they could shave their heads completely
I think it's cause we feel it'd be freeing
there's gotta be a deeper meaning
but I won't get into it
I'm running from the reality I'm being smacked with
I don't feel free, like me, at all
wish I had someone to ******* talk to
or just someone at all
someone new, someone not as toxic as you
I wish I had a different door to walk through
or smash through
look in the mirror... do I even know you?
time is ticking and you've gotta pull through...
do you ever feel pieces of your personality being taken from you?
I find myself hating people the most
when they remind me of myself
or, at least the dark parts
the parts that hurt other people blindly
the same parts of others that have hurt me
I'm tired of co-dependency
I don't think I'm as lonely as I claim to be
I think I'm thirsty for being alone with me

I had a pair of purple courderoy overalls
second grade, I felt ******* sweet
I had some pretty big feet
still do
twelve minus two
fast forward to
twenty four plus two, nothing's new
I need a good burn cruise
maybe some new music to listen to
I used to try too hard sometimes
overall, I'm pretty apathetic (I care too much)
being addicted to an aesthetic feels pathetic
looking the part still won't make you get it
I'm not looking to be understood
I'm not sure you could
what a cliche
it's okay

vivid memories
burn cruising
lost, stuck wondering
iced over heart, defrosting
every weekend, wandering
finding a new abandoned house to thrill me
finding a new way to create that freed me
I'm still searching
always learning

disconnected
my joints hurt like rusty clockwork
running low on speed
not sure what it is I even need...
I used to dream of having a tv
in my bedroom when I was thirteen
I could watch whatever movies I wanted
and I'd never have to leave
that was enough for me
I have that now and it's not enough
it's more like a crutch
because it isn't about the little things anymore
life moves much faster than that
it's taking a toll and keeping score
but actually
probably not
life doesn't take time to tally me
I'm one lost soul in a ******* sea
life doesn't start or stop for me because I'm unhappy
it's up to me to grow some spine
take the first step, taking time
to know what I need
so what do I need?
I'm not sure I'll ever know
but I'll put on a good show