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Emma Katka Sep 2017
cbw
almost started to chase after you
glad that moment found the exit turn
just like a flash
kind of like how you entered
and ****, I was was so well sheltered
I sometimes wish
you would have kept walking the day we fell in
creeping across my brain
you can't be touched by asprin
you're a headache wrapped in a heartache
and I'm ******* tired of laying awake
you're way ahead of me and I'm tripping
I've got broken toenails from all your breaks in the concrete
in cement sealed secrets we left between the sheets
in between a smoke break and a beer
hot sauce dripping on black leather
you had books but no bookshelf
said you'd rather build one for cheaper
and that was ******* ****
sawdust coated
steal toed footing
tobacco dipping
still ******* tripping
losing my footing
where was I going...
shut the ******* door behind you as you go
better yet
I'll hold it open for you while telling myself "I told you so!"
you're always ******* with me
I see it and it remains unseen
I'm country boy weak
Emma Katka Sep 2017
wondering if I'm breaking through to rock bottom yet
but I think I just gotta get used to it
time has changed me and it's moving fast
lot of good women with a lot of bad pasts
gotta look past my own if I wanna last...
and drop that victim ****!
this is how life is...
pushing against the current,
wondering if it's worth it...
I've got an anchor on my ankles,
a voice in an empty vessel...
spiraling seas,
of thoughts, maybe voices...
victim **** is victimless,
until you're victim to their cringe-worthy-ness...
and I get you're under some sort of stress,
the darkness is what treats you best...
but everyone dances in the shadows
you're not rolling in this **** solo
Emma Katka Sep 2017
you're interested...
if you put me on, you'll be best dressed.
but I've gotta confess,
if you're going to tell me I'm intimidating,
make that the reason to work a little
to try and get me melting.
tell me, show me, that you want to take me...
because if I have to coach you through foreplay,
I'll take my chances and just stay lonely.
talk about boring.
I want a man to stand firm and say that he wants me.
what kind of strength does it take to act boldly?
this pattern is ******* boring...
now is your best chance to thrill me,
I've got my eyes on you so let's start moving.
I'm not on a stage, this is ballroom dancing
grab my hand and start waltzing
or just do something...
don't just stand there
and tell me that I'm ******* intimidating
I'm ready to bolt if this is initiating
Emma Katka Sep 2017
if one more A-cup
tells me to let my **** be free
I'm gonna scream
Emma Katka Sep 2017
Small memories that make my chest ache.
I'm still working to identify why some of them do.
Maybe they don't need to be defined or recognized.
That's okay, too.
I imagine them being insignificant from an outside perspective... seen as mere moments passing, sights only slightly seen in between other *******.
Queue flashback.
Burn cruising down residential streets, Lana Del Rey's song "Ride" and everything else on that **** mix cd, late autumn, my "old but new" golden SUV making the first tracks in freshly fallen snow... foggy eyes... ******... alone... but it's okay, I enjoy my company.
Desperate for something bigger than myself... beyond myself.
Queue flashback.
My old bedroom.
My parent's driveway, sneakily smoking a midnight bowl and coming back inside with frosty fingers ready to make more art.
A little buffer, you know?
A lot more simple of a life among all the drama, the past lovers, the drugs, the adventures.
Queue flashback.
The sunlight on my skin on a country road looking for abandoned houses with my friends.
Passing around a joint and screaming along to the same songs over and over again.
Finding magic within decaying walls and gravels roads.
Being set free when I'm creating for me.
I see my art as something beyond a hobby, because it's a deep part of me.
It's nostalgia wrapped up in between the sheets of my empathy, apathy, and curiosity.
Nostalgia is my addiction... it's dancing with some ******* friction.
My partners are the past and my reality in a surreal scene.
I create my lovers and they create me.
Emma Katka Sep 2017
you remember me as a girl that I don't recognize
I'm not afraid of the words you might use to describe it
words used to diffuse the feelings of guilt
that I imagine you're feeling
(or the guilt I hope you're feeling)
I look back and I don't know what I'm not seeing
I'm not afraid of you not telling the truth anymore
(I'm not sure you knew how to do it back then)
and it's freeing
(but I remember you as a girl I probably don't recognize now, either)
the early teens of the 2000's ******* burn me
memories of my girls ******* hurt me
I still think my only fault was needing them too much
forgetting their problems, because they were my main crutch
but feeling guilty makes me feel filthy
because I only needed support and healing
not lies and betrayal and scheming
and I still need healing
I wish I could forgive you
and I wish you could forgive me
Emma Katka Sep 2017
bad
it feels like it was all synthetic
honesty doesn't exist without substance
or substances in my reality
grind it up and smoke it to settle my anxiety
back then I was more of a ******* party
sky dancing with mary and lucy
absolutely
how could I not be
not sure if I learned what it means to be a friend at that party
or the one after that
it's as if I want to hit rock bottom
give this misery I'm feeling a little more meaning
communicating it to the people around me isn't happening
why am I so afraid to say it clearly...
that I'm not happy
I can't concentrate on ****
they call it attention deficit
and I just wanna get it
but I'm chasing butterflies
and forgetting about it
I'm tired of being so cynical,
thinking everything is a cliche
I've made myself this way
spending too much time alone
same ****
do ****
remember why you came here
pick up your broom *****
be a bad witch
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