I bought a pack of cigarettes today
Lit one up and took a nice drag
My best friend told me to beware of addiction
But I laughed and told her that I wasn't addicted to anything
But he did make my head spin and my palms sweat
And his voice played over and over in my head like a record on repeat  
And I felt this morning's toast rolling around in my stomach when we were apart
And I craved every inch of his presence at every moment of every day
And I realized that I'd lost it

I fell for you, now I’m broken
spending hours on white tiled floors
digging ragged nails into my crooked spine
creating beautiful blacks and blues
that feel better than you ever did

now I brave the streets by myself
catcalls from old truckers pierce through the night
and follow me like bumblebees
I soak them up like a puppy in sunlight because
they sound better than you ever did

my twenty dollar mascara
is now dripping off my sullen cheeks
but, you know, these dark circles really bring out my eyes
and I think my chewed up knuckles and frizzy hair
look better than you ever did

whiskey dances on my hot breath
mixed with sour diesel and blueberry skunk
air freshener, breath mints and windows don’t help
but I don’t care because these weapons of mine
smell better than you ever did

the boy with tattoos and gages
feeds me slurred compliments like butter on bread
I’m breathing in his three dollar cologne
and his cigarette stained tongue down my throat
tastes better than you ever did

In August, I had no idea who you were
But I fell for your smile.
Now I know there’s more to you
Because it's been a little while.
I know you’re not alright;
How your brain fills with fear
And your bones shift at night.
Your stomach drops and your soul rots,
But you should know that since I met you I’ve been humming to the tune of your laugh.
You are everything beautiful like sunrises and oceans and April grass,
You’re white dandelions and my 11:11 wishes and loose eyelashes
And I could write paragraphs on your eyes and the way my heart dashes
When you call me angel and kiss my hand.
I am a painting of hesitation and uncertainty;
I am a weak little bird who can't fly yet,
But with your arm around me I find strength
From the boy I met
In August.
Monarch butterflies are my favorite and I feel them in my stomach when we kiss
And I forgot to mention that I love how the way you play guitar and piano is so effortless.
I love the way your eyes light up when you rap for me.
Your eyes used to light up a lot, actually
And oh, it was so lovely, the way you'd smile,
But I haven't seen either of those wonderful things in a while.
And I wish I could take your tattered heart and make you a new one,
Because I can see you drowning in the sea that you sail on
And I am nothing but a weak little bird watching from a tree
Who isn't strong enough to lift you up.
Now you're distant as Colorado and cold as the ice in my tea,
But what you don't know
Is that there is August sun and stars in your veins.
The sun hides behind the clouds sometimes
But sooner or later it has to come out again.

I'm in the shower and I'm biting at my knuckles. My feet are bruised from kicking myself and I can hardly catch my breath because my brain is telling me that I'm losing you. I know I'm overthinking and my mind has a funny way of convincing me of things that don't exist, but I've also always been blindly optimistic and I've always ended up disappointed.

When I was six, I saw the receipt for a book that Santa brought me. I convinced myself that maybe Santa shopped at Borders, too. But then I saw mom and dad putting the presents under the tree.

When I was eight, my dead hamster started twitching. Maybe Fluffy is waking up from her nap, I thought. But she didn't even open her eyes when I brought her her favorite treats.  

When I was twelve, I saw dark red scratches and scars on my best friend's arm. Her new kitten must be vicious, I thought. But then I saw her in the school bathroom, with new cuts, cuts that weren't there at recess.

When I was sixteen, I fell in love. My mother has always told me that perfection is unattainable. But your eyes, the way you kiss my forehead, and the way I feel so comfortable and myself with you convinces me otherwise.

But maybe I'm setting myself up again. Maybe love doesn't exist and it's something the universe made up so it could laugh at stupid naive people like me. Maybe I will end up disappointed just like all the other times, maybe I've concocted another false reality.

Clear my head for a moment, raindrops plunk and plop on the car
Clear my head for a moment, count the infinite stars
Clear my head for a moment, feet pound on the pavement
Clear my head for a moment, blast music til I'm deaf
Clear my head for a moment because the world is a monstrosity of evil
And it weighs me down like dirt blanketed in concrete
Clear my head for a moment so I don't feel so weak
Clear my head for a moment, my lips send out thick clouds of smoke
Clear my head for a moment, my insides burn and my esophagus chokes
Clear my head for a moment, drown my delicate liver in *****
Clear my head for a moment, so I feel a bit stronger.