No matter what you may say,
About it being fine,
it's really not okay,
And we clearly both know why.

In her mind, she knew it was coming.
But in her heart, she held on to that one last little sliver of hope
Until it was all gone.
And now it is all gone.
Its over.

You aren't going to **** yourself tonight because, in one of the

spun sugar fragile sequences of the events in your life, it works

out. There is a place, somewhere amidst star stuff and cosmic

collisions, where you are not the problem daughter or the

biggest disappointment or the most regretted kiss. There is a

place where you sink into a desk in your eight a.m. class and

a boy with bags under his eyes and a hole-y sweater pulled

over his knuckles says, "hi." There is a place where your father

comes back from the war with sand grit in his eyes, blood

under his fingernails and lets you save him.  There is a place

where you live in India, where you aren't afraid to love, where

everything hurts less, where you stopped punishing yourself for

the faults of your parents. You are a girl. Not a dart board or a guilty

verdict or the final, desperate ****** of a sword through

someone's chest. You are made of the same stuff as Marie

Antoinette and Catherine the Great and Elizabeth, and you

can command the winds too. You aren't going to **** yourself

tonight because no one ever asked you about the scars on your

thighs but that doesn't make them nonexistent or unimportant.

You aren't going to **** yourself tonight because you've grown:

stronger in some ways and weaker in others, but you are still

a result of rhapsodies in violet and trees bowed to the sea

and soldiers with wind burn on their cheeks. Tonight, you are

going to wrap your own arms around your own chest and

breathe, swaying silently to no music. You are going to

memorize the sound of silence, and you are going to listen hard

for the even, jagged, pitter patter of your heart. You are going

to thank your body for waging war against itself, you are going

to apologize to your head for bruising your heart. You are going

to feel the roughness of the floor and the vastness of the entire

world and all of the eventualities spread before you. You are

going to remember that this is only one, that atoms and

molecules are flighty, whimsical, prone to selfishness and

longing for the promise of stability. You are going to press your

lips to your own wrists and know, as surely as Anne Boleyn

knew when she walked to the guillotine, that no one can save

you but yourself. You aren't going to **** yourself tonight

because you are not an accident of the multiverse. You are

purposeful and beautiful and young and reckless with your

feelings, but you are not a mistake. Listen to the trembling

of your heartbeat and breathe. You aren't going to **** yourself

tonight.

What would I do to see you smile again

What would I give to see you happy

For just a moment or two crawl out of that fox-den

I'm sorry life is rough and you feel really (******)



I wish it were me to take or share some hurt and pain

To be your sun, your rainbow, an umbrella in your rain

The wind to blow your clouds away

A paintbrush to color your world; banishing all the gray



I want to be your salt, I want to be your light

To chase away the dark of night and say that it'll be alright

But I can't do any of this and it hurts me to the core

To see you suffer and not be able to help more

I fall on my knees and pray

At the start and end of each day

"Here I am. Are you there Lord?"

You hear my cry and pleading Lord.

I come slowly; crawling to your throne

Broken, ashamed, lost and alone

You stand before me in all of Your glory

Before I can speak You know all my story

You reach down and lift up my face

Dry a tear from my eyes; wash me with mercy and grace

You bid me to rise, then smile and open Your arms

You hold me and love me and all of me warms

You know I am sorry, I know You forgave

With Your help I can behave.

All this time You knew and were waiting

To welcome me back; loving not hating

And then a thought crept into my heart:

You were with me right from the start!

I can't get focused,

My soul is lost,

Where do I belong,

My life is not what I had planned,

I wish it were bettter,

But I know it'll never be,

I live my life day by day,

Waiting for happiness to come my way,

But only to be disappointed again,

What did I do that was so wrong,

Where is the God that I believe in,

Why does he not help,

I need his hand to guide me,

Through this life that I live,

Is this the path he has chosen for me,

Or are they all just my mistakes,

Will I ever be strong enough to fight,

My misery away,

Weak is who I am,

Weak is not who I want to be,

My weakness is strong as I am not,

Give me strength Lord,

I need your light to guide me,

Away from my mistakes,

My choices are not the wisest, I know,

I need a hand or an Angel,

To help me choose the right path,

Of my life.