remember the first day we talked
and i was so flushed and rushed
confused but ready to start again with you
even if we were just friends

remember the first time i told you i loved you
though it wasn't a "just friends" sort of way
and though it may have been uncalled for
you accepted it with gratitude all the same
and that was okay

remember the first confession
we started dating at midnight
on a warm night in may
and while we lived miles apart
it felt like i was talking to someone
who was laying right beside me

remember our first fight
on my brother's birthday
and we said what we thought we meant
though looking at the today's date on the calendar
i feel that, quite honestly,  we exceed expectations

remember our first kiss
passionately awkward and wonderful
next to the window in my room
on a chilly day in november

it was unforgettable

in you I find comfort
I wrap the idea of you
around my heart like a blanket
it is warming
you resonate in the love songs
I play on repeat in the early morning
and the stars in the sky at night
I am mesmerized by you
quite simply

in elementary school we were told
to write interesting facts about ourselves
on the first day, to get to know one another
and at that time the only things i could think of
were that i collected nutcrackers
and had many siblings
i see myself in better lighting now
hello, i am emily
my middle name is kane,
my great grandmother's surname,
and i take pride in it
my fingers shake when i explain things
that i don't understand myself
and my legs shake on their own time
that's the quirk of a chronic tic
i draw to express myself to myself
and to show off
and to be better than the girl i met in the third grade
who painted a sunset
just a sunset
and all my friends ooh'd and ahh'd
and i sat there, confused
if savannah could paint a sunset
and get such a reaction,
then watch out world.
here i am, painting roses and butterflies and cartoons
on the cardboard backings of old spiral notebooks
i found in my closet
and leaving my sloppy signature in sea-foam green
on the corner and in the back of
my mind
and smudged on the side of my left hand
i have a scar on my cheek
from getting just too close to a dog
and scars on my arms
from staying just too close to the edge
and playing mind games with myself
the kind in which neither of us
came out victorious
i like mozart and debussy
when i'm working
and gershwin and joplin
when i want to have fun
i write on the spot, spur of the moment and
my words don't seem to
fit on the paper in a way that pleases most
but i assure you, they speak volumes
in the middle of the night
when i lay in bed, pen in hand
anger in mind, worry in chest
i am in love with a boy who lives
far away though it seems
every night when we talk
he's right next to me
wrapping his arms around me,
binding us together and
keeping promises
and holding on to the
agreement we made
at twelve a.m.
i can sing and play instruments
and tell you anything you want to
know about the surrounding universe
or the Liverpudlian lads who
started a musical revolution
and taught me that
all you really did need was love
i read every day
from books that have been sitting on my shelves
every day for the past five years,
some even longer
when i sleep i snore
though i've heard that
it sounds like a cat
purring while being pet on the head
but i think that the most interesting
fact about me
is something that
has not come about just yet

i'm sorry
you don't like my
haphazard style or
choice of words
oh, no, don't misunderstand
i will never apologize
for
them, nor stop what i do; my english teacher
once told me the most beautiful
words are written when
all hope is lost, all happiness
d
r
  a
    i
     n
       e
          d
or when there is so much
love and
passion in your heart that
you can't hold it in and the
need to share your innermost feelings
is bursting at the seams,
banging at the walls of your
conscience
this is my art
though, more truthfully told,
it is my release
a better one than the last, by far
and though the feeling is similar
writing these poems won't
leave scars on my body
despair in my soul
or want of a better existence
i feel whole again

last night i lay in bed
in that calm post-sob
my eyelids swelled and red
weighed down by thoughts of
disappointment
i thought i could be strong
my eyes red, veins visible
like mapping out a red river
on a starch white globe
you called me and let me fall asleep to
the silence
like we usually do
except it left a more bitter taste in my mouth
this morning, more silence
or rather, less of you
i don't want you to walk away
from something like this
i don't want to abandon this
what we've worked so hard to get
and though my tired eyes won't open
they still see the pain harbored
in my heart
because i cannot bring you
the happiness you deserve
and if you want me to
i will bleed it out
and give all of it to you
all you have to do is say the word

i hope you are happy now that
you are gone and i must be happy too
can one still be happy after
being beaten to a breaking point?

you left and i lifted
myself off the ground
remember when you said you'd be there for me?
as if anyone could find solace in
that underdeveloped plastic heart
set on auto-pilot; a trap
you used to bribe me into
years of self-destruction
as if i could find friendship in
your green jealous eyes or that finger
with which you ever so diligently
shot at me
along with the words and accusations
i never needed you

i never needed you
or your messed up views
of what i owed you
for being my friend
i never needed you
or your ready backhand
or the Stockholm syndrome
broken soul or beaten self-worth
or the ******* thoughts that went through
my head on a daily basis
and as if i wanted you back
NO
go.
leave me alone
like you left me to sob
on your concrete steps
so many times before
like you left me alone in
my times of need
as i held those pills in a shaking
hand and led them to a shaking
stomach
no.
just leave.
i owe you what you gave me
nothing.
you gave me nothing
yet you whittled away my happiness
for years
until nothing was left but
a shelled out form
that you set aflame
to make sure i could never come back
but i rose from the ashes and you
you
you will never destroy me again.

in you i could drown, my darling
sweetly, quickly, quietly
all at once and all you'd have to do
is look at me
in that way
that only you can do
for you i have fallen, my darling
in and out and over again
by the slightest touch of your fingertips
or the sighing laugh you give
or the smile you smile that
weakens all of my joints
all at once
your words, to you, my darling
seem like graphite scratched onto
the blue-lined papers of a journal
too wrong, too wrong you are, my darling;
they are ink
etched into my heart
never to be forgotten
always resonating, shining
on those dark, late nights when
my soda goes flat-forgotten and
my face is painted with fragile tear-strands
and my soul is wrung dry
your words, my darling,
they replenish my very existence
your smile, your laugh, my darling,
turns my heart into a metronome set
to the quickest tempo
the way you look at me, my darling
the way you love me
in you i could drown.