I'm stuck in a rut. Always the same routine. I'm going through the motions, and I just want it all to end. I want to feel something; something positive! I want to be able to wake up each morning looking forward to life, not when I'll be able to sleep next.. I don't want to just live life, I want to be alive. Feel alive!


So why can't I...

I'm scared. I don't want to get close to you again just to have you leave. I can't. I've gone through so much to be at this point. A point where I'm not constantly thinking about you, day in and day out wondering if it would ever get easier, better. Yet, still praying I'd never forget you. If it took me six months to get here, how long will it take me to get back? Maybe I don't want to go back. All I really want is to stay in your arms forever. For you to hold me and never let go. Make me feel save, and know it'll all be okay in the end. Too bad we don't always get what we want. Too bad it's not up to me. I know I could make you happy.

Even I don't know what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. I'm feeling everything in the world rest upon my shoulders, slowly pushing me into the ground. Every thought that could have crossed my mind, has. I wouldn't even know where to begin..

When I was younger I always saw growing up as a fun, momentous, life changing experience. I was willing to give up anything to get here. But now, I'd give anything to go back. Growing up is overrated. People change their minds in a blink of an eye, constantly having to look over your shoulder to see who is coming at you with a knife, having to prove yourself to people who are impossible to please. It's not fun; and it's not easy. But it's life.

I've spent endless days, countless hours, and numerous thought on you since you've been gone. I wouldn't even know where to start. I have been utterly speechless, breathless, emotionless. I don't know how to fix it. You are my remedy. You are the one thing that hurts, yet heals; scorns but encourages, hates although loves. You are a mystery to me. A jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. You make my darkness disappear.

I'm angry. I'm angry at my parents for lying to me about love; and not encouraging me to take a risk for you. I'm angry because I believed after sixteen years we would have developed some type of.. friendship. I'm angry because  I thought all those things you did and said meant something to you: more than words. Because, I thought I meant something to you.. I'm angry because I feel for you and you weren't there to catch me. Because I keep falling; everyday. I'm angry at you because you don't seem to see me. I don't make a difference. Most of all, I'm angry at God for taking you away from me. It feels like life has just stopped since you left. Everything has hit the breaks... and I crashed. I'm angry because despite the distance, the lies, the brokenness, I still love you..

Right now, in this moment, I feel like I'm just barely beginning to be able to catch my breath. Like I've been running, running for years trying to escape you and I'm finally slowing down. It's five months, on the dot; and I still have no idea what I'd say to you, if anything, giving the chance. I don't think I'll ever get bast this mile maker until I fully explain myself to you. It's the only way I'll be able to let you go. Part of me can't help but think I'm merely delusional. I have simply imagined everything we've said together, done together, been together. I made it all seem bigger that it was. I guess the only way is to tell you and see what you say.

But, we all know how soon that'll happen..