I love you.
For the first time I say it.
For the first time I am not afraid to say it.
For the first time those words flaw out of my mouth to the ears of one that worthy.
And for the first time i am afraid.
Not because i love you, but because i can't love you.
Am afraid i can never have you.
No matter how much I will it, i know you can never be mine.
But still i love you...

You have always hated the idea of being at someone's mercy yet here you are.
You cant help it even as you converse the desire doesn't seem to let up.
A day just isn't enough
An hour passes by like mere second's
You find yourself enchanted by her
Your mind is haunted by her beauty
Your heart leaps just by the thought of her name, it takes all of you to conceal the excitement when she is around.
Her eyes,
her deep dark eyes
her laughter
her mesmerizing smile
everything about her seems appealing to you
You find yourself dazed by her mere appearance,
You cant help it, you her completely at her mercy

It hurts at first but not for long.
Maybe it’s because at first you don't seem to mind letting them see you hurt,
But after a while, you just want to keep it all in with you.
You feel the pain must be hidden and the feeling bottled up
To an extent not even your eyes show traces of the loneliness and pain you feel
Pain hidden well inside it's like it’s not even there but lurks behind your eyes.
Pain only shown in the things you posses and in your desire for solitude.
You saw her attempt to hide the tears she had shed right in front of you and you felt like not even the pain she had physically inflicted on you could match what you felt then
You felt as though nothing in the world was more painful than the feeling of helplessness you felt then,
You wanted to take it all away and keep it to
yourself.
You felt like reaching out to her and showing her that you're deeply affected by her pain, But did not dare cause you where overwhelmed by the fear of opening the door holding your pain.
Pain hidden deep in the abyss of your heart.
You can't tell them how many times you have
attempted to expose this pain, for each time you tried you froze. You have never known why. Maybe it was because of talking to them,
Listening to their laughter
And looking at the curve of their smile made it all
go away...
...for a while. But it all came back once they left.
You hope someday you will expose this fear you never show, that they may see this person hidden within and hope they still look through him and see you....

I was enraged
Possessed by the desire to be even.
I was on a warpath, seeking to inflict pain on the world.
I felt it "slowly poisoning and corrupting what was within".
My mind was enslaved to wrath, my heart harboured so much hate i felt it as i breathed, it was choking.
My fists clinched and my body shook with rage.
It frightened me, it frightened me cause i wanted to cling to that hate, i wanted it to drive me.
I no longer wanted to hear my thoughts.
I tried to drown them in the loudest music i had but i could still hear myself as the music faded.
Liquor only helped for a moment after which it started to enhance the whispers in the back of my mind, filling me with confidence to carry out the desires of my heart.
I felt it all.
Every insult, humiliation and abuse, every negative emotion.
Every single emotion i had ever suppressed seeking to lash out at the world.
I felt it all raw and untamed...

I don’t remember the last time I felt you smile over the phone so I ask that you smile for me just before you sleep. I sat down to write you a poem but no expressive words came to mind.
I tried to think of you, to picture you, just to see if the image i had of you would inspire me, but I found myself lost in it.
Like the sight of the sun setting across the ocean, my mind and heart quieted down to marvel at you. Am sure you’ve heard me speak of the tales of your beauty more than once, but if you would look in the mirror you would see that I speak the truth, for it would show you a glimpse of what I see.
I don’t remember the last time I felt you smile over the phone, so I ask that you smile for me just before you sleep…

Ever wondered what makes it feel frightening?
Why it feels so familiar even when its new?
Why its so daring?
What makes it feel so tempting, it feels worth it?
Or how it can feel right and wrong all together?
Why it feels so complicated yet simple?
Ever wondered why?

There is no mistaking it. Like deja vu its always familiar.
The longing,
The anxiety,
The adrenaline,
The high,
The low,
The maze.

It hits you like a fever. The chills, the hallucinations, the butterfly effect, the goosebumps n the weakness...
You feel so calm yet excited.
You feel so vulnerable yet complete.
You see only the beauty in one.
Time stops n flies at the same time.
There is no contentment, like air you only crave more.
Head over heels they say ❤

I did it because I was hurt
you took something from me,
I don’t know what it is but when I look at you it hurts,
when I think of you it hurts
I felt I had this hole inside of me and whenever your name came to mind it hurt,
it was as though you were sticking your hand inside me.
…………………………………………………………………………………
I got you back to hurt you
I was the thief you invited in
I took the same thing you took from me
I want you to feel what I feel
I want you to hurt each time you think of me
Each time you hear my name
…………………………………………………………………………………
So how do you feel now?
Do you stay up late at night with no one to talk to?
Do you feel you have this void inside of you, you just can’t fill?
Does your heart taunt you each time you think of me?
I know am hurting myself more by putting you though this but at least you now know how I feel

Its not that i don't like you, i moved away cause i don't trust myself around you no more.
I've seen the beauty in you and i don't want to stain it.
You see i have a past thicker than the night and a demon that just cant stay at bay.
Like someone hooked on cigarettes i have a hunger that only seems to grow since our first encounter.
Around you am like a child who doesn't know stop or an alcoholic close to alcohol, i cant always restrain myself.

I don't trust myself around you no more.
You've become like the air i breath i cant have enough of you, i keep craving for more.
Your kisses and caresses are no longer enough for me,
they have become the fuel to the desire within.
All i think of is getting you alone, succumbing to my basic instincts and redefining the fifty shades of grey.
Its not that i don't like you i just don't trust myself around you no more.

Wish we could erase our minds of these memories that burden us now.
Wish we could go back to the start.
To that very first moment.
To moment when my eyes were unaware of the beauty in front of them.
When my heart didn't leap to the sound of your voice.
When thoughts of you didn't keep me up at night.
To the moment before my mind was captivated by your personality.
To the moment when you were but a stranger to my heart.
When i didn't have to hide behind my facade smile.
To that moment when i saw only a friend in you.
To the moment before hello,
If only we could be strangers again...

I remember everything about that night.
They held me down and made me watch helplessly.
I remember the inexpressible look in his eyes.
They appeared to be so innocent yet so full of evil.
I remember the sound of his footsteps as he walked past me, I felt them with each heat beat.
I watched as he pulled the blade from his blazer.
I remember the fear in her eyes.
I watched as he cut her,
as the blade moved across her neck,
As the blood oozed from her neck,
As she dropped to her knees in pain,
I remember everything
I remember the look on her face as she tried to breath but chocked on her own blood. I watched as she helplessly held her neck tight to prevent blood flow...
I was paralyzed at the site of it all.
I remember the sound of her gasping for air, I remember it all.
He then told the two men to put me on my feet, his voice was so calm, sure and cold.
He then walked away from her dying body and headed for me.
I didn't try to resist for I did not have the strength.
I could smell his cologne now.
I watched him stretch his hand out with his blade.
He then put it on my neck, and I could feel its sharp edge,
I could feel the warmth of her blood on it.
And I could relate to the panic she felt moments before he cut her.
His hand then swiftly moved across my neck,
All I remember is coughing, feeling like drowning as I inhaled blood with each breath.
I couldn't feel the pain for my mind was focused on the lifeless body in front, trying to feel the pain she felt moments before she died. I could not feel the pain, all I could feel was anguish, then everything went dark But 'I remember it all'...

Let’s let our curiosity run wild,
let’s give in to the dark temptations we feel,
to the whisper’s of our heart, the voices in the furthest part of our mind.
Let’s bring out the covert impulses we get when are alone,
the vivid hallucinations formed when our gazes hold.
Even just for the night let’s share the cravings of our body
the yearning for a lustful embrace
they say “you think long, you think wrong”. Without thinking let’s give in to our basic instincts
let’s let our innocent feeling’s evolve into our darkest desires.
Let’s not try to ‘escape from the ardent atmosphere that surrounds us but let us drive into that very fire’.
Let’s go to that place with ‘no street name or map’. Don’t resist it, allow yourself to be enraptured by the passion. Together let’s let lose the fire we have bottled up inside all along.
Let’s give in to that desire that always wants more, to the screams of our body and to the rush of sensation we feel....
Let’s just let our curiosity run wild.

A sensation of familiarity.
A hallucinogen.
A fantasy used to escape woes.
It's meaning has been lost to time, just as the scars incurred were errased.
All that "remains is an idea existing only as a myth"...

Elvito

All i have ever known is the fight and struggle, never had it easy. Fighting to have something to call my own and struggling to keep whats mine, but always losing in the end.
Battered, bruised, scarred and broken i have been.
i'm just a shadow of what i once was,
like a foster child searched for a home I've been tossed from house to house, used but never wanted.
It is me they wish for but not me they really want.
I am nothing but muscle tissue yet like glass I've been broken.
Been stolen but only to be used and discarded
Even though i was a facade i still played the part of the person they envisioned, distant, uncaring and arcane. But it was never enough... Even after dropping my wall, cutting myself open and wearing my heart on my sleeve i still was never enough.
I remember the words "i love you"
How i believed and respected those words.
Now i only say them out of curtsy, with a smile as false as the bleak emotions behind them.
Now i'm unwanted for becoming the person they molded me into and hated for my incapacity to care... I unknowingly inflict pain in my search to feel something

My actions still pain me even now.
Am not sure if i was trying to hurt you or protect you cause it feels like ive brought you nothing but grief.
I wanted to be better than your first but i guess ive just proven we all the same.
At times it takes all of me just to stop myself from calling you and begging you to take me back, but again I'd only hurt you more in the end.
I try to tell myself it was best that way but maybe thats just me trying ease my guilt.
At times my last thoughts before i sleep are of you, wondering what you think of me now.
I wouldn't blame you if you hate me, at times i hate me too, hope its not too late to say am sorry...

She was as beautiful as my mind preserved her
Even in a dream she was still a vision of beauty, having the effects of a mirage.
In a realm where time had no hold on reality, things still seemed to move slower at the sight of her.
I found myself dazed as though drifting into another dream
The curve her lips formed radiated bliss.
I enveloped her into my arms and felt a wave of excitement stream through my body, her cologne as intoxicating as i remember.
And her voice soothing...
I had seen some of the wonders of the earth but the warmth of her gaze i saw, that i had never known.
I felt her sear through the cold realms of my heart n mind disarming me
Everything felt so perfect until my brother turned on the light n woke me LoL...

You've tried to lose this feeling in the maze but somehow it always finds its way back to you. You don't remember when you first noticed you had it but it feels as though you've had it forever, only noticed in the silence.
You've tried to block it out by surrounding yourself with people but even through the crowd it finds its way back to you, you find yourself with a cold emptiness you can't seem to fill. In your fits of anger you've tried shouting out at someone hoping it will leave you with that anger you feel but that only seems to make it worse...
You try eating your heart out but even after your stomach is stuffed there it is, a space you just can't fill.
Loud music seems to work but just as one song finishes and the other starts, you feel it briefly. As if telling you it’s still there.
You decide to seek companionship with someone, but just like music when your companion is away the feeling creeps back in. Once again that cold hole in your chest opens up, and it gets bigger as you think of it...

You had your chance
Just one more time, one more time you said.
In each person you thought you saw something special, something you longed for, but with each new person you were left with a scar, empty rooms n memories to taunt you.
I know, the high is addictive, the feeling exhilarating. Like a mirror it shows you the beauty you want to see. It picks you up, blind folds you but you still see the beauty of life, unaware you are falling to reality.
You say what doesn't **** you builds you up but who are we kidding? What doesn't **** you leaves you wishing you were dead cause some scars turn into wounds that last a life time.
Its time we listen to reason, that's why this time we let the mind decide.
You had your chance, its time we put emotions aside...

Tired and fatigued…
Been running... Been running from myself
.…Been so many people I have lost my identity.
Solitude. It seems it’s all I have ever known. No matter the company, I have somehow managed to find a safe haven in the bleak and desolate parts of my mind, content with the thoughts that keep me up at night.
Going senile. Been on the move for so long I have long forgotten what I am running from, driven by the dreaded thoughts of the unknown.
Stuck in a paradox. I try to forget yet I leave notes, yet I make scars to remind myself, so that even if my forgiving heart forgot i would remember when i look to my writs.
I guess some truths you can only hide from for so long.

I once owned a candle when lit displayed the most beautiful light ever seen, switching from color to color with a site as breath taking as the northern lights. Sadly, I lived in a windy area, in a shade deprived of windows. So to shield it I sort a glass box and covered it. Through the glass it shinned as bright as ever it was an enchanting site but it never lasted, before long that flame was out leaving behind a cold darkness.
Too much of everything is bad. You are the candle in this story, the glass box is my affection. Afraid to lose you I showered you with so much affection unaware I was suffocating you. Never wanting to be apart from you I forgot you too have a life to live.
Maybe I liked you too much it scared me,
maybe you were right, I did not love you.
Or maybe I have abandonment issues and I’m clingy cause I’m afraid like the rest you’d wake up one day and feel I’m not the one you want.
Like a bad nurse I tend to close my wounds before taking care of the infection.
You see I lash out when hurt, so like a coward I’d rather run than face my woes
I’ve been bottling up and running from myself for so long, I can’t stop now cause I’d be slumped into deep dejection left crippled… so for now I’ll run till my feet fail me

Please pardon my vivid imagination; i can’t help myself at times.
My mind seems to stray when you're in sight.?
My brain is deprived of blood flow hence crippling its ability to reason.
Like gravity am drawn towards you, lured by your innocence and enticed by your beauty.
All i think of is drawing you in and caressing you.?
Holding that very body that drives me mad with a lustful crave, once your swaying hips are in sight
Thoughts so dark n ****** crowd my mind and appeal to my basic senses.
Thoughts of seeing you in your birth suit, how it would feel to put my hands around your waist, kissing your lips and slowly making my way down till you stop to resist and draw me in.?
To show you the feeling that seems so wrong but feels so right.
To know how it would feel to rest my head in your ***** n lay in your *****; to feel your warm body against mine.?
I would whisper coaxing words into your ear n slowly move my hand across your body feeling every curve and till your senses are screaming for me telling you to set yourself free.?
Please pardon my imagination for there are thoughts i just can’t resist…

We were like night and day,
fire and ice, as different as the poles of a magnet. i found myself drawn to her like gravity.
Her appearance was overwhelming;
eyes as dark and beautiful as the night.
And a smile as enchanting as the sun set, with a curve that just compelled one to smile as well.
She had the beauty of the moon, the kind that stood out even amidst stars.
Her beauty wasn't just skin deep,
She had a warm personality,
she was optimistic, compassionate, kind, polite, the church type.
I tried to stay away for i feared to stain the innocence in her with my corrupt mind.
We were like two sides of the same coin, i being her exact opposite.
My mind was as twisted as it gets, finding pleasure only in the things forbidden,
with a “heart that was cold and ruthless” yet possessing a face that portrayed innocence.
I was like the rose that ensnared the eyes with its beauty while hiding its thorns under the petals.

I couldn't stay away,
I wanted her.
Wanted every bit of her
I tried to act like the saint i appeared to be but it never lasted, i longed for her.
I would see how she moved with grace and i would question my resolve to limit myself.
She was the one i desired to have.

I woke up at 5 in the morning with a heavy heart and a headache
it took a minute to recall all that had happened the previous day but then I remembered,
I remembered the brief moments of peace I felt after drowning my problems in whiskey.
I rubbed my eyes and felt that they where wet. I guess all I held back poured out in my sleep.
I wished it was nothing but a bad dream,
one in which I would awake from soon.
I never beg but for you I tried, just to keep you a little while longer,
just to get back something I felt you where about to take.
I won’t lie it hurt’s
it hurt’s that I can’t forget your words, like an eco they keep on returning
It hurt’s that you think I deserve better when you where the only good thing I had.
You once told me that “no one knows me” like you do; you of all people should have known what this would do to me.
There was a reason I never opened up to anyone, you knew that yet you would tell me to think of you as my dairy, that I could tell you anything. You made me trust you to such an extent that I forgot how to conceal my feelings.
You reached inside me and took a piece of something I've always kept from the world.
Now that am hurting and you are not here who do I turn to?

You left.
You left with a text.
I sat down puzzled, trying to wrap my mind around it.
Like a person with internal injuries, i was yet to feel the worst.
A day flew by then two and i thought I would be just fine without you.
I found myself busy all the time, not knowing that I was trying to fill your absence by covering the time space you left.
Getting myself so tired that i didn't have the energy to lie down in bed and think.
But it slowly caught up with me, bit by bit.
I felt alone amidst friends,
could feel the sadness even in times of joy,
had a hole i couldn't fill,
n raw mixed emotions that just gushed out at the thought of you.
Ever been told not to look to your side but you cant help it?
I tried not to think of you but each time my lost mind strayed it searched for you.
You couldn't just walk out as you walked it.
I asked myself: if i had been the one to tell you, 'you deserve better', would it have shielded me from these emotions?
Would it have hurt any less if i left you first?
You took away my contentment with solitude, and like an addict left me longing only for you...

No arms could comfort me, cause you took something with you.
I thought if we got back together you would fix the broken pieces,
but not even you could fill the void you left.
I thought "time heals all wounds" but this wound only grew with time.
I could no longer feel the passion behind your kisses,
I look at you and that burning sensation i felt is no longer there, just lust in its place.
If you had paid attention you would have noticed that the park in my eyes had gone.
All i was left with are eyes with an emotionless gaze, and an empty shell of a heart knowing only a hunger that must be fed...