I feel as if, the world conspires against me. Wondering day by day just how it is going to get in my way. Gone it seems has the flavor that colored my actions with interest. Left only with the barest of actions that inspire the desire and thirst for life. I feel as if I labor in vain like Sisyphus cursed to push my ambitions up the hill of my toil just to have them rolled back to where I began. I grow weary of this existence, tire easily at this fate. My mind finds an escape to wonder blissfully of paths never taken of how good life could have easily been. And so I begin to question my self as I sit alone on this abysmal shelf with nothing more than my thoughts to keep me company. What is the point of this seemingly pointless journey.  Why do I toil like a simple servant advancing the goals of others while mine own sit there neglected. It is a question that I on many a occasion have reflected, as I stood time and time again bereft of any goal or ideal. Is it merely character that is being built, others will tell me that I build morals that will serve me in my future. Still others commend me for the sacrifice I show, and for a time I grow content with that. But in the end I find that I have not moved, have not progressed in anyway that I can see. So I go on to deep myself worthless, and my mind and body dull from their lack of use. I have ambition more than I can handle. What I seem to continually lack is the resource then the resolve to see it to completion. I see the ones who have climbed to the heavens to dine with God himself and I ask myself. What do I miss? What don't I know? What has escaped me such that I cannot seem to soar higher than this meager place. And yet an answer does not show it's self to me. And so I stay and ponder these things. Where the answer will come I do not know. Where I will go, I have nothing but the question mark as an answer to show. But somehow I know that someday I shall move past this blocked way. And there lies the hope I hold closely that in the end my work and my toil will not be wasted. Not be put under the tag of useless. I hold that hope and that is the way I continue to press my way through this world.

Sit there and brood, think about how shrewed I have been to you. No, paint a target on my back, and comment on how many manners I lack. Better yet sit there in silence and let your anger boil, and plot how it is you will foil me when the time comes. Then stay there an smile, and hang out with me for a little while. Tell me nothing is wrong, and we shall sing a merry song together. Stay there and lie to me that truly there is nothing eating you up inside. Am I to read your mind, Am I to somehow chisel my way into your brain, and somehow know exactly what I am to say. Am I to valiantly throw my self down on my knees and beg you over and over again with a deep, sorrowful heart felt please. What is it that I did again. How is it that I wronged you? How long have you longed for my demise. And Yet you will not tell me why. So you keep the blame, you take offense to my unknown shame, you act as if nothing has changed and every single thing has but stayed the same. You can’t talk, can’t use the words that now curse me to tell me what I missed to see. No you stay where you are, and brood, because I never understood what I did wrong. No you stay there and never change, because of the lack of range in your emotion or thought won’t let you let go of that blame you you hold closely to your heart. No you stay silent as night, and have the fight within that mind of yours  with the thoughts that like festering sores drive you to insanity.  

Tell the world excluding me of course of my apparent lack of remorse. Spin wild tales of a multitude of epic fails that I somehow managed to accomplish. Go ahead and go to derail my integrity in front of everyone else but me, simply because you feel slighted that I decided to do something that had nothing to do with you. Yes because the world revolves around you. You are the sun and everyone else is but a *** that is worth no more than to cater to your interests. Forgive me if I fail to see this in your way. If I have wronged you I would feel no shame to say that I am sorry. It would cause me no worry to come and apologize to you for what I ever I did to wrong you. But in the end I begin to wonder if that is what you really want. Or is it simply that you have misplace issues and have misused your emotion on me. Is it that there is something deeper a little reaper on your soul that you like a creeper seem to want to avoid. Seek the meaning to your anger, don’t take it out on me. I don’t live my life going out of my way to harm anybody. So why do you do this harm to me? Why is it my demise you wish to see?

Why do I stay awake at night, though sleep sits there by my side and bacons to me. Why do I simply stay awake at night, when my bones ache from the wear and tear and only wish for a simple, silent sleep. Can I really tell you why, can I confide within you on this night, will you ears accept what I say, will you mind not fight the ideas I am about to put on display. No, no, no, don’t simply say yes, don’t nod your head because your neighbor does so. Don’t just be a simple sheep this lead by the nose, gripped by those ropes of social acceptance? Every day I hear, I hear the cries of wills thrown down, tossed away  simply because it is not cool enough to be yourself.  The grating sound of soo many mind cast down, dropped by the way side like some unknown unmentionable. Such that the body can mozy on down to join the herd. To be led to the slaughter. I hear them, screaming within their minds as they realize where they will end up. I hear them clawing and scratching to try to get away, to save themselves on this day. And yet it has become too late, for them to try and change their fate. This is the price, for that chance to cast those die. This is the price you, pay, to go on to play this game. No this is the price I see, but I cannot afford to pay.  Sometimes I wish I too could join, be led blissfully to my end, be easy and bend to the currents of the times. Look to see those who are outside me, to know what it is I am to do.

To be cool, heh, to be hip, hop, to let go of the purity of speech and include things my mother would be ashamed to hear me say. To let my clothing follow the will of those whose only goal is to take the cash from my wallet. To go and spend the fruit of my labor on things, to be hedonistic to give in to that mystic force of a fad. I wish to enter into that closed room of everyday drama, to be included in that desperate race to no goal, and to heartbreak. But then I see, the needless effort spent on things that don’t really mean anything. I find that my time and mind have far too much to do, far too much to accomplish in this life time. Of which I will only get one, then that is it, done, finished, banished into the void the great unknown. So I can’t you see, I have a place I need to be. No my friend, I cannot bend, for I have something to send. Oh my dear, I musn’t I fear, I am allergic to beer. Really I can’t, I simply can’t.
My excuses pile up, like a mountain top, I am unable to go out and scream and shout. Have fun as they say, drink my sorrows away. For I fear the heavy lash that comes after being smashed. I wonder is the pleasure so great that it stops the pain that comes after its wake.  Is the price of a lung, a brain, a heart worth it just to sit there and say that you are baked. I feel that the stakes are too high, the breaks too painful, the lake too hot for me to even take a simple step. So I remain on the shore, staring longingly.
Whole fully discontent with the lot I have lent myself to.  Then I walk back to my bed wrap my hands behind my head, and stay awake wondering why it could be. What I am missing what the sights I should see. And sleep becons to me. But me I cannot let it lead just yet. For my thoughts have no answers met.