When I was little
I would stare up at
My mother and think to myself
That's what I want to be when I grow up

I wanted nothing more than
To become my mother
Who tucked me in
Kissed my scrapes

Who nurtured me
Brought me water when I was
Sick and sang me to sleep
And who told me how strong I was

Little did I know
That moms are dished out
Their own servings of problems
But my mom was different

She was served piles of
Left overs and week old bread
Water unfit for a dog
And dessert was scarce

Later I learned I was the dessert
So was my father
Though he was more sour than others
She didn't care, she loved it all

But as I've grown older
The piles of unfit food
Are tumbling down
Right on top of me

My mother's food labeled
Bipolar, depression
Anxiety, self harm
Body image issues and so much more

More than one person should
Be dished up, more than
One person can stomach
Too much for the plate to handle

The plate is cracked, chipped
Used, with a residue still blanketed over
And we've learned our eyes are bigger than
Our stomachs and we attempt the plate alone

But you can't handle a full course meal
If you're stomach is so small

I've learned that even though
Doctors label my mother
Crazy and unstable
I still crave to be her

Because she's survived through
What seems like everything
And she is not only alive
But my mother is living

Maybe not the way she imagined
But she still tries to make
The best of each day
She does so much with so little

Yes, I still want to be my mother
I want to be strong and brave
Kind and nurturing
I want to be everything she thinks she isn't

Because she is my everything

And if you can't see anything
Beautiful about yourself
Get a better mirror
Look a little closer
Stare a little longer!

Because there's something
Inside you that made you
Keep trying despite
Everyone who told you to quit

You built a cast around
Your broken heart,
And you signed it!
You signed it

'They Were Wrong'!

It's the night before Christmas
The night is tonight
The house is dark
Except for one light

The light belongs to a lamp
Of a small Boy
Who stays up for Santa
To bring him joy

And on this young lad's wish list
Is only one thing
The item a name
A name with meaning

The Boy does not sleep
His heart drums in his chest
For hope that one person
Will come home from the west

Boy watches the time
Tick away on the clock
Minutes turn into hours
Boy's stomach sits like rocks

Next thing he sees is
Is the sunrise set in
Boy gets up to wake his mom
His face holds a grin

He drags his mother down
The cold wooden stairs
The railing smooth under little fingers
Boy stops and stares

Under the tree
Are boxes and bows
The Boy's stocking is full
And is hanging heavily, low

The Boy frowns and doesn't budge
His mother nudges him along
They sit down and open every
Present, which took very long

By the end the boy was near
To tears, his cheeks puffy
His mother petted his hair
Which was Brown and fluffy

Her tears spilt over her eyes
She bowed her head and said
"I am so sorry I can't give you what
You want, I am so sorry Ted

But daddy is over seas
And we'll see him sooner than you think
I promise he'll come back from war
I'm sorry I'm so weak"

The boy cupped her face
In his tiny hands where
She'd been crying and whispered
"But mommy, daddy's right there"

I want to please you
Make you happy in a
Way only I can satisfy
Quench a thirst in your parched throat

I only wish it were so simple

I'm scared to be touched
I hate to be tickled
Physical contact puts me on edge
Every stroke deepens the wedge

In my heart
And in my brain
It's now a knee **** reaction
To pull away from your passion

I'm sorry my love
I can't give everything you desire
I wish I could give it away
Throw the fears and past behind

I only wish it were so simple

After you go through Hell
You don't talk about it
You try to push it back
Down your throat

What might seem like Hell
Another person might pray for
But to you it seem like your lowest
It seems like rock bottom

Little did I know
That after the rock hits
It borrows deep into the sand
And continues its journey down

I'm prepared for more
**** to hit the fan
I have braced myself
And I hope to brave this storm too

Because this too shall pass

When I was young
I promised myself
To never turn into the monsters
I saw on the glowing screen

But years pass by
And the promises we've
Made ourselves fade away
And we roll around in our broken dreams

We bathe in sadness
In guilt and shame
We swallow lies society feeds us
How we should behave

Perfect lips and ribs poking
A thigh gap and straight teeth
Tall and lean
Tan with no blemishes

These are the ingredients
For a perfect body to fit
Right into society
And to be happy

The promises had
Nearly slipped through the
Cracks in this fragile thing
We've named 'life'

I've forgotten my own
Oaths I've made
I'm sorry younger me
You would be proud

When I was younger
If I was shown what my future would be
Maybe I would have tried to change
Or slit my wrists to prevent the inevitable

But this is my life now
This is what I've become
I don't like what I see
I'm not having any fun

Her dreams were full of water
Of exploring the dark blue
And now her wish is fulfilled
Her ashes are spread among the Pacific