I think that was when the numbness first settled in.
First it devoured the tangible parts of my life.
Food didn't taste, blankets didn't warm, hugs didn't comfort.
I watched it steal away my family. Somehow the love we had shared was frozen.
It took all that I could see, leaving me with almost nothing to hold.
It was still hungry, and swiftly infiltrated my heart.
That's why I didn't want you anymore. It's because I knew I couldn't love you.
I sat and couldn't feel. I tried but I'd forgotten how to feel.

I feel like God's love
is the only completely fulfilling love
like we can search and find love in another person
and love them our entire lives
but they go away and they fail and we fight and
we miss them
we miss them because their love doesn't complete us
unless maybe we think so when we are together
I guess what I mean to say is
the flaw in human love is that we miss each other.
We long for the other when they are not with us
And while it is not a bad thing to miss, it is
demonstrating that we are not fulfilled because the other is not right with us.
But oh so different is God's love.
We can be anywhere in the world or nowhere in the world
and He and His love is right there.
He can make us feel whole when we are the most alone we could possibly be
But the thing is; the sin inside of us causes us to selfishly desire
the touch and love of another human
over
the complete and eternally satisfying love of God.

So I was the young sort.
The immature but intelligent, lighthearted but controlled sort.
I thought I knew who I was, where I was, what I was doing.
But **** happened.
Smiling got harder and solitude seemed easier.
I'm 20 years older and 100 pounds heavier
though physically I haven't changed.
It's hard to carry on the same sort of conversations;
hard not to answer every statement with
    Haha, you don't know what worry means-
    You don't know what pain feels like-
    You don't know how intense loneliness can really be-
The thoughts weigh me down. All I do is think.
I have nothing left but my mind and my mind, me.
Carefree is a privilege.

I will write in Sharpie
regardless of what you say
You can't erase Sharpie
just like your mistakes
in life,
you have to deal with it,
fix it,
make it into an awkward flower.

I can do it myself
but I've allowed you to stay
I can't do it myself
and you've stayed anyway

my wrists won't hold me up
and my ankles are giving out
I can't open my mouth
but my eyes are trying to shout

I tried to not trust you
don't leave me again
you somehow did it,
got me to let you in

while my own body gives up
and only my pain is here
hopefully you stay
please don't disappear

I won't admit I need you
but I wish that you would
not tire of my aching
though I'm certain you could

hold my hands when my wrists can't
carry me when my ankles give in
hear me when I can't say anything
take me away from where I've been

My mind is like a labyrinth that I can't seem to figure out.
It will take years of wisdom, no doubt.
But I wish I could speed up the process, help time fly by.
I don't want to live my life like a lie.
I want to love and be loved without being judged.
I want to be accepted by everyone, I want to have fun.
But how can I do that when you make me feel bad.
The one who is supposed to love me regardless, just makes me sad.

What if I fall in love at an early age?
Will you disown me and send me away?
Will you accept it and support me?
Will it make you happy because it makes me happy?
I doubt the third option and the second as well.
I feel like you'd make my life a living hell.
I'd have to hide everything from you.
And that's not what I want to do.

Why can't you accept me for who I am.
Why do you have to make me feel so bad?
I am happy, is that not enough?
Do you have to crush my spirits and break my heart?
Does it make you happy when I cry?
Are you glad I am dying inside?
Do you like that I'm afraid to love?
Is this something you are proud of?
I just want to be me, nothing more nothing less.
Why can't you be satisfied with my best.

You said be true to you, but I guess that was a lie.
Cause you judge me always and it crushes me inside.
I guess I'll never be perfect or enough for you.
I wont do everything that you want me to do.
I'll take a chance and be me.
And as for your reaction, we'll just have to see.
I'm sure you'll forget me and leave me alone.
You will lock me out of that place I called home.
I will be by myself, I will have to make-do.
I will have to live my life without you.

I will never be completely and truly happy.
No, that's not possible when you've lost your family.

Who do you trust now?
Now that your teachers are longing
  to be your lovers and denying
  the looks that they've been giving
  and the words that they've been saying
  are just misunderstandings

And where do you turn?
Now that your friends are leaving
   to be with lovers who need them
   at home, and not picking up the
   phone, because the baby needs
   fed and changed

And who do you love?
Now that *** and love and lust are
    one in the same and there is no
    telling what someone wants from you,
    your body, or your mind, or just
    release from time to time

And where do you go?
Now that home has no room
    for you and family is a
    foreign concept, and all that
    you know of home are screams
    and bruises that you hide.

What is the answer?
Now how do we fix something
    that we can't admit is broken.
    Like our trust, and our friendships,
    and our love, and our homes.

The answer.... is change

My feet move against the pavement,
   though blisters form I do not feel them.
My hands brush the leaves on the trees,
   but I do not revel in their texture.
My eyes see the beauty of the place,
   but my mind does not comprehend.
For me it's bland, just shades of the same.
  
I could sip the nectar of the sweetest fruit,
  but I would not taste it's flavor.
I could hear a symphony from the heavens
  but it would  fall on deaf ears.
NowI won't feel the pain,
  and I think I like it better this way.
Now that life, and death
  and love, and hate,
  and lust, and pain,
  all look the same.