It comes so naturally.

The nerves all saturated, ready to convene with that
sweet nicotine
after months of being clean.

It comes so easily.

No queasy feeling
no reeling
no rush

Just hush in the moonlight alone on the patio
the night the only witness
to my sad happy glow.

To the chemical calm.

To the insatiable qualm of a square in my hand
And fire in my palm.

It comes so suddenly**.

A quiet, intent lover.
It hovers above me,
uncovers a lost need.

It smothers my breathing, but I'll take the beating
for one more smoke.

A recovering joke.

I'll take the beating
And stoke the fire.
The sheep in me is bleating
as I succumb to desire.

Funny how a small success
can make a large struggle
seem worthwhile.

The struggle pushes on your body
like the thousands of pounds of air pressure we endure every moment, adapted since birth when we were exposed to the atmosphere for the first time.

We've adapted so much. It feels like nothing at all.

And such is the struggle, a gradual acceptance,
until one accidental success -

a perfectly carved moment of zen designed to seal one crack in our exterior, to smooth an otherwise rough outline of the idea of your person.

One crack we didn't know was there until we look more closely.


And suddenly - we see - !


Are we made up of billions of cracks,
of shattered thoughts and ideas,
dreams and plans and places and bandaids over the wounds that never really healed?

Are we scarred beneath the flattened affect of the I'mFines and the Don'tWorries?

What a shock, then, when you finally discover the one smooth graft in your otherwise undetectably shattered self.

Oh! The elation!

One small, well-placed celebration
The seed of a new foundation

Can you declare a body unfit for inhabitance?
It's time for total renovation.

The music washes over me
wave after wave

And the noise of life
is drowned beneath the wall of sound.

The crowd is restless
But I am rooted, directly connected,
undiluted.


The music washes over me
wave after wave.

My blood and bones exist for this
electric current
as my body buzzes and pulses inside

The moments speed and slow
with the flow of the tide.

It ebbs and rolls
with the soul of the ride

And I am rooted, directly connected,
undiluted

as it washes over me,
wave after glorious wave.

Who needs a god?

I am saved.

I've got my feet
to carry me

and my legs
to stabilize.

I've got my arms
to embrace whatever comes my way

And my hands,
to hold onto that which inspires me.

I've got my face
to turn toward every challenge;
to challenge every turn.

And I've got my heart
to house me when the weather is bad
and there is no where else to go.

I've got my brain
to present me with options

and my mind
to present me with decisions.

And above all,
I've got my soul.

With its infinite complexities and contradictions,
it is the glue that holds the pieces in place.
It is the curiosity that asks the questions
and it is the bravery that accepts the answers.

I've got my soul
to carry and stabilize;
to embrace and hold on;
to accept and challenge;
to comfort and protect;
to ponder and decide;
to ask.

To answer.