Stuck
Like I've licked the frozen pole
Trapped until we thaw
Until someone has the mercy
To pour water over my mouth
And set me free

Who knew that person would
Be me

It is hard to grab your own water
And fill the pail
When you are immobile
But we all have to learn how to
Fetch our own pails of water
Because you cannot be free
And in control till
You've decided you will be

You have to push through the *******
The lies people will spoon feed you
With cheap, plastic spoons
Finding your own way is not easy
But what is the point of life
When there is no struggle and challenge
To be had

I am trimming down the seemingly
Never ending list of people who
I have let affect me through the years
And I am deciding to be free instead
Of grasping onto straws
Of self hatred and loathing
I am releasing the hold people
Have on me and
I feel better doing so

Hopefully I will meet new
People to fill that void of loneliness
But I would rather be lonely than
Suffer with people who break me
And drag me down

This year will be different
I will mold myself into the person
I want to be
Not the girl everyone else
Thinks I should be

I will change

Two and a half years of
Hiding under my Levi's
And cheap, holey sweaters
Jackets, handed down from mother
And gloves made out of toe socks

Two and a half years of blaming
It on the cat, pointing fingers
At sharp cornered desks and
Dogs and messing around with friends
Hiding my secret, holding it close to me

Today, I took of my jacket
And the world, being cruel as it is
Forced me to crawl right back inside
With eyes prying and people touching
And their judgmental, pity looks

But tomorrow will be different
And I wont let young eyes
Stop me from being afraid
To show my forearms
I promise this

It's time for some change
Because I can't go on faking
My smile for fake people anymore
And hiding my body from the world
Because I am beautiful

Or so they say

Pick me up from my
*****, scratched knees and set
Me on my way
Because there is more to this
Old world than the people who
Were placed on it

Perhaps in shambles I have found
Things that drive me underground
It may be that in ruin I see
Things together beautifully
And so I smile for I can view
Beauty present but for few

Anticipation is dissolving
My already thin patience

I am excited to ink
My body and dim the old lines

Painting a new story on the
Canvas, writing over the old

The old words on my body will
Still linger there

But fade will the scars
And my memories will blur

And my new story will be magnificent
I can promise that

I use to think I was the
One and only
Solitary wolf on my
Lonely journey into hell and

I would stay up all night wondering.
Why I had to be the one and only.
But I was foolish and one soon
Became a few.

And over the years and
After crying puddles of tears
A few slowly morphed into many.
And as that many grew

Into several, it became
Way more than just a few.
Now I stand with an ocean of faces
Of old and young.

Faces so new and fragile to
The harsh earth, and faces
Who know what its like to
Be broken down into so many pieces

That they truly believe that razor
Blades, pieces of hot metal,
Hair pulling and nail biting and
Hitting your head on a brick wall are

Solutions to the pain.
The pain we harbor and hold so dearly
To our fragile hearts.
Because without pain and loneliness

How do you live? After years
Of pain and self inflicted torture
How do you live a normal life?
How do you walk around like those

Years never happened to you?
I am starting to learn that
You just don't. You live and breathe
And you don't forget the past, oh no.

You just let the wounds scab over,
Like the cuts that used to fester,
And you learn to live again.
You can't go back and erase the past,

Believe me, I've tried! But you learn
That just because you're a little
Scratched up, doesn't mean someone
Won't see you're beauty.

So let the wounds heal over
And yes, go back and trace the scars with
Your fingers. Because that's not all of who
You are anymore. It's just a small part

Of your life.