Its so warm in this room
But why are my limbs trembling?
Tears are rolling down in this bright room
The hysteric's kick in and rushing

Searing pain in my chest
And gasping for air is getting difficult
Locking myself in this bathroom while i'm getting so stressed
Family is on the other end of the thin wall remembering my thoughts are not so innocent

It wells up in my head what everyone calls danger
Then there is no more reactions, completely disconnected
My body is now like a stranger
The worrying thoughts targeting my daily life as expected

Trying to keep the world out with music
With all the maddening loss
What is with this endless panic?
Its just another big anxiety attack I have to come across

I don't feel anything
Besides a storm
And the knife between my thighs.
I'm sorry.
I want you.
I want me.
But right now
All I am is bleeding.

Recently
I've come to realize
That if my life were a book
My hand would ghost over it on a shelf
And I wouldn't pick it up
Because the cover is too bland
And the summary doesn't grab my attention
"Twenty-three year old college dropout lives at home with parents"
Will not be showing up on any bestseller lists
And I'm so distraught by the idea
That the author can't even crack open her own spine.

I can still write words
Words unseen, unappreciated
Unheard
I can still pen my emotions
In black & blue
twisting syllables and sentences
So you won't understand
How it feels to be lonely
Abandoned & rejected
I can write words
You'll have to find
Through dictionary pages
And perhaps you might not
Have the time
So instead you'll sigh unimpressed
And close the book

on skype tonight you said
we're 94 hours apart

you sent me a screenshot of google maps to show:
"94 because i chose walking, i can't drive"

i gave you a small smile
when all i really wanted to say was how much
i wished you were here

3.45 am I woke up from one of them
It felt more real to me than the reality I woke up to
In my bed with sweatpants on and darkness surrounding me

Yet my dream of being in the woods
Having this guy finding me
That he let me in
It felt so real

I knew it right a away
I tried to touch his arm
Roll up the sleeve
He tried to hide it
His skinny arm with a million small blue vains
His arm filled with burn marks
Small short deep bumpy scars from a razor

It felt so real
I wanted to help him
Show him my arm
Tell him that he's not alone
Far from alone
We looked in to each others eyes
His eyes started to tear up
So did mine
When he finally relaxed
Let me drag my fingers gently up and down his arms

Reality pulled me back
From him
From who he was
I don't know him
I've never seen him
But he knows more about me than anyone
And I know more about him than anyone ever will

It was just a dream
But I have never felt more alive

I look into this never-ending sun
Left, right, right, left, the score climbing higher.
Then, suddenly the sun ends its cold fun,
and we look at our life it seems so dire.

Days and weeks slaughtered by the LED.
No love life, no friends, no freedom.
Just a window, what the screen lets me see.
I live in a poorly crafted kingdom.

Look before you, at this husk of a man.
He had such potential, he had a plan.