he is not the same
as the ones that hurt you.
so why convince yourself
to run from something beautiful
when it has only just begun?

Those mild annoyances
Are the most sweet.
Like cat hair in your coffee cup
Cause he just wanted to take a peek.

i’m at this threshold,
dealing with so many unnecessary obstacles.

i’m letting all of them hold me back
because it is easier to be a victim
than a victor.

you stole my choice twice.
first when you pried it
from my shaking hands.
second when you polluted my brain
to believe every man is like you.

i couldn’t love him even if i wanted to.
all thanks to you.

how can i convince you
i am SICK
when my most obvious symptom
is streamlined, sleek, SMALL

it has not even been two years
since i evicted my fat
so grossly.

then i welcomed it back home for winter.

it stayed awhile.
and now i remember why
i wanted it gone
so bad
in the first place.

you have worn out your
yellow welcome.
it is time for a
white goodbye.

i do not need
the insulation any longer-
i want to be as cold
as my heart.

i want to purge you
like the calories that caused you.

i will never be beautiful
so long as you are around.

there are times
i want to take a picture of you
doing nothing in particular,
beautifully.
in a second, the moment is gone
and i don’t remember
what you were doing,
but i remember what it felt like
to see you do it.

were you made to taste like
the sunny november mornings of 2009
not a cloud in the sky
no tears in my bright, young eyes

were you put here to remind me
of the times when things were simpler
wake up, go to school, color some pictures
then go to bed, wiggling loose teeth until i doze off

i liked life much better when all i had to worry about was
what was for lunch and spelling tests

things were so much easier then so much calmer
but flowers can’t grow without some change and rainy weather

the things that seemed so big back then

now seem so small

will i feel the same

in another 10 years

is it possible to erase feelings of inadequacy
by overcompensating productivity
will it silence my self doubt
until exhaustion takes over

although the days still challenge me
they flow with significantly more ease.
no longer do you pollute my mind
i use more hours as productive time.
with bruises you left, i learned to cope
looking forward to life with love and hope.

i wish i had
more confidence,
some self esteem,
a sense of happiness that isn’t fleeting.

i feel most empty
as i silently lust after
people unaware of my presence
and how i truly feel.

i would rather play on the safe side
than get too close to the flame
and get burned-
again.

i deprive myself
of the things i know i truly want
somehow i am always preoccupied with how they will disappear
rather than savoring them while they are still here.

i like to imagine
you smell like the moon
familiar, comfortable,
yet so unknown

how could anyone think
brown eyes are boring
when all the constellations
reflect and twinkle in yours

every one of these songs
sounds the same
maybe that’s why i like them
cause im scared of change

thats why am i so ******* scared
to catch feelings
if this time it could be good
so much better than the last time

moving away
from my childhood home
the only streets i really know
where am i going to go

how can i ever improve myself
if i am too afraid
to take the steps
and do something that scares me

i know my current state
is not the best
i have to challenge myself
if i ever want to grow

fast hearts alone in your parents’ house
going between aggressive and tender
half moon fingernail marks in the skin
with teeth-borne bruises underneath

In the midst of some sort of
conventionally accepted Stockholm Syndrome
and compulsory forgiveness,
I am angry.
Why should I
have to be bigger and better
towards the ones who
never gave me
the basic humanity which
I inherently deserve?

i want to be
like those girls  
like a barbie

i despise my past self for
chopping off my hair
eating too much

i will change
i will be like her
conventional

i look down at myself
eyes bigger than my stomach
still i feel disgusting
in this skin

seven years of torture
almost will be eight
will i let these
disgusting thoughts win

i think about the time
when my thighs were pure
not a scar or stretch mark
on the skin

now i look at them and
things have really changed
you can tell
ive been suffering again

but why does my worth
have to come from
the percent of perfection
of my skin

why does my worth
have to come from
only the body
that i’m in

it is not normal for me
to lust for your soul
crave chaste intimacy
so what an uncomfortable surprise
to feel these things after the drought

how can you love me
when you put the bottle first
our “family” passes around
hand-me-down bruises
and secondhand insults
most of which stem from you

the phantom pain that feels like you
feels like
the place where i used to live.
familiar but foreign,
all at once.

i pretend
not to know her name so
i don’t seem like i care
too much,
but
i remember her name
and i do care,
a lot.

i guess you prefer her brown eyes
over my blues.
i know it’s selfish of me
but the feeling of missing you
is ever-present.

and i can’t even get a text back.

do you still think of me?
i look at pictures
of you,
of her,
of the smile that i don’t get to see anymore.
i know she makes you happy.
shouldn’t i just want you
to be happy?

seeing you with her is tearing me down
from the inside out.
i can’t stand the thought
of another girl
touching you.

grasp the mirror.
the reflection is not me,
it is something
distorted and ugly.

what do i look like?
if this is all i see
who is in the mirror?
that thing must be me.

my parents never loved each other and they never really even loved me. i never saw people happy or in love. so imagine my surprise when you waited. you made me feel special, normal, not like i owed you things. you knew i went through it all by the age of sixteen. you knew how bad the scars itched sometimes. you stayed up with me on the phone reassuring me, you held me on your chest when you could. you did more than you needed to. you never asked for anything in return. don’t get me wrong, we both know things have not always been easy. we both have our helping of insecurity and affliction, among other things. still, every other person i thought i loved filled me up with dread and quite often. their tears were overwhelming, their anxieties were too much, and they didn’t know how to console me, anyone, even themselves. they didn’t believe in growth. your tears on my cheek feel like summer raindrops. i held you till you stopped crying. you told me you can’t bear to hear people speak nice things about you- so i wrote it on a note and put it in your bag. i hope you found it. i am glad you found me. i am glad you waited. i am glad you’ve shown me what love is really like. even if i don’t believe you sometimes, i know you love me.

everytime i gaze at
him it feels like
the first time
lips softly parted
his kiss always
feels new

static sparks fall from
the friction of clothing, blankets.
his mouth is sweet,
his belly soft and pale.
he is warm.

he is captivating but it is unfounded
what more do i know than just a handful
still i can imagine myself laying with him
it’s dark but i can still see his warm eyes shine
we laugh at something dumb, cheesy, simple
i don’t even know what his voice sounds like
we have never spoken in person
would he even want to
but i can just imagine him saying something
it’s clever and teasing, he has a sharp tongue alright
but how do i know that for sure
unless i speak to him for real
i can just picture him in the night
looking up at the sky
moonlight accentuating his pale skin, deep blue under eyes
and the shine of his brown eyes and nearly black hair
i like the contrast
i like to live in black and white

i will kiss you then make my way
to another boy’s house.
i will greet four pairs of lips in two days.
every single one of them will feel the same,
though each attached to a different name.
and when i go home
i will feel empty with only myself to blame.

i want to see
all the glorious things
that are in store for me
so i must stay alive

i want to finish
all the books i put down
and never opened again
and then some more

i want to walk through forests
through meadows and mountain trails
through ocean water
through creeks in autumn

i want to draw every beautiful face
every soul worth remembering
photograph every pink-orange sunset
every smile of my dearly beloved

i want to write my poems
maybe they are only mediocre at best
but they give me a little outlet
channel out the ***** water into something beautiful

i want to fall in love
for real this time and not with someone toxic
someone real and genuine and kind
maybe it will be myself

i want my mind to be on my side
who else will guide me if not my own judgement
i need to have strength and clarity
i need to get better

i have weathered the storms
maybe more are to come
but i think i can move forward
and not forget the lessons learned

i can’t help but stare at the ceiling
what else is there to do at midnight
when everyone else is preoccupied
and i am wandering aimlessly through life

you were
seventeen with
deep brown eyes
and a warm complexion

play me a song that
doesn’t consist of
your lies or
disregard for my emotions

tell me i’m pretty
then say that i’m fat
make up your mind
and play me a song

strum the strings
but don’t use your words
it just sounds better
when you’re silent

If see her in my face
is it really mine?
Generational trauma
coming from her line.

not prepared to die, nor to live
lay dormant in the earth
waiting for the storm to pass
the sun to re-emerge
a shedding, blooming tree branch
resilient, persistent, weathering
in a sad-beautiful way

it is a challenge to remember
there are good people among us.
but it is so much easier remembering
with a reminder right beside you
taking the form of a beautiful soul.

your mother once told you
girls don’t always know
what they want
and she’s right

when i saw you for the first time
i wanted you
i loved your look, your charm

i had yet to learn about your
hatred (for yourself and others)
irrational fears
and manipulative nature

you played hard to get
and hurt me
before it even began

i have a bad habit
for liking things that
destroy me
(you, nicotine, among other things)

i chased you despite the hurt
i chased you
to get past your facade

you warned me, i will admit
you tried to deter me
but i was your enigma
and you were the apple of my eye that warm august

i fell into love
quickly
and out of it even faster

and every time i tried to end things
you begged me
stay
you said you would change

you never did

your only ambitions were
the army
and to own all the pure copper pennies circulation

i never liked that

i want the world
i want to be something
and you want
pennies

don’t force me
to love you
please

it’s old
and i know we both like vintage
but this ‘romance’
is untastefully outdated

how do
i want to be perceived?
what do you think when
you see me?

when you view life
more like a compass
and less like a clock

manipulating my body
has always been second nature.
i can be bigger
or smaller on command.
when you look at it this way,
disregard the parts which make me ill,
from a purely aesthetic angle...
anorexia is quite the skill.

much too late for an abortion
and asking for necessity
is far too selfish of me.
i do not want to be
an obligation to you.
you always told me
you wanted a daughter,
but you never show it.
you always say
“i’m so sorry
i will change”
and i never want to believe you
but i always do
and i never have a reason to.
my blood is nothing to me
because i am nothing to them
but a problem.

we spent a lot of time on us
only to find it was wasted
like buying binge food
and purging it into the toilet.

you act like you care
now that i push you away.
i ask for space
and you gravitate towards me.

i feel hollow
like my empty stomach
but i like it
maybe you will like it too.

a change
into a completely
different form

i will change
i no longer want to
stay the same

i no longer want to be
me as i am
today

i sleep in the same bed
that you hurt me in
every single night.
there are reminders of you
everywhere i look.
usually they fade into the background,
but not tonight.
leave me alone.

My fingers and lips and mind  
seemingly have dried out,
and thus shut up,
when it comes to you.

I used to seek you out,
then panic when I found you.

Now I don’t bat an eye,
or misstep, and no memories
or flashbacks replay
even when I see you unexpectedly.

you have semisoft lips
a solid tongue
one of your bottom teeth angled
at maybe 60 degrees
you breathe through yours
while i use mine
when we kiss
you overpower me

i love you, kitty,
you’re truly my best friend.
you’re getting old,
your time’s coming to its end.
you’re getting weaker, and you’re getting sicker.
your coat’s still soft, though it was once much thicker.
i will miss looking into your green eyes.
i will miss holding you while i cry.
you’ve been there for me, and through it all.
i remember when i got you, in 2009’s warm fall.
you were so beautiful then, the color of pale wheat.
you’re still beautiful now, moseying down the street.
your golden fur shines in the sun.
i’ll never forget all our days of laughs and fun.
your memory will never leave me, you’ll always be by my side.
you’re such a good boy, that cannot he denied.
so in your last years, i’ll treat you extra good.
i’ll give you lots of snacks and pets, just like i should.
i love you, Tommie.

i am the seed
you planted.
acting as if there’s distance
between you and the root,
but i know you are a gardener.
could you tend to me?
could you get rid of the pests
you placed in my ***?
don’t get rid of me too!
am i just a **** to you?

your kiss
sets me alight
i know it was sinful
i know im trying to be closer to god
but i can’t help but remember
the taste of your lips
and the way you used to smell
it was
intoxicating
addicting

i know i acted like i didn’t want it
but it was only because i didn’t think i would lose you
so
soon.

you have taken the price tag off.
you showed me to your mom
and let me meet your sister.
i met your 14-year-old terrier-
she wasn’t as pleased as the rest.
you brought me round your friends.
you kissed me- soft and hard.
you threw away the price tag,
and the box, and the receipt, and the warranty.
you showed me you will keep me for good,
not just till im worn out
or something better comes along.
time is so valuable
and ours is rich.