you ask me if i love you.
so i say
“i feel like i do.”
but sometimes my feelings lie to me
and i don’t want to do that to you.

is it possible to erase feelings of inadequacy
by overcompensating productivity
will it silence my self doubt
until exhaustion takes over

i am confused
because i just can’t
sleep

i stay awake
until my paranoia wins
and then some

i can’t help but stare at the ceiling
what else is there to do at midnight
when everyone else is preoccupied
and i am wandering aimlessly through life

i adore my softness
my round peach fuzz tummy
poking out, shielding the bones
that once ruled over my mind

he always likes to remind me
how you never wanted me
how i was a mistake
the least immaculate conception

he always likes to remind me
how i was supposed to
have been an abortion
if only your god would have allowed

he always likes to remind me
how you have never loved me
the way you love your sons
all three, all older than me

he always likes to remind me
how it is wrong to hurt your children
the ones you are supposed to cherish
when he does it just the same

i overthink
everything i do
can i not just bloom
thoughtlessly
wherever i will
some type of wildflower

how will i ever
lead a beautiful life
if i am preoccupied
with the idea
that i am not

shed your fat
like the leaves from the tree
you sat under in the fall
by winter
your frame is protruding
i can see your ribs
and the snow between
your thighs
you’re growing so thin
if you don’t stop
you will die
melt into the ground
decompose
you walking corpse

not prepared to die, nor to live
lay dormant in the earth
waiting for the storm to pass
the sun to re-emerge
a shedding, blooming tree branch
resilient, persistent, weathering
in a sad-beautiful way

i long to be like a tree
to shed all my burdens
watch them descend to the ground
below me
shriveled and dead
i am barren of baggage and *******
i am free
i long to be like a tree

she says that no bad things will happen
though she takes no precautions
but undesirable outcomes manifest often
and they will continue to
unless she finds some sun block
the more and more you burn
the deeper the cancer goes
till it’s terminal

i don’t know how to speak
i always get so scared
feeling perpetually threatened
in every social situation
i speak too much too deeply
about taboo or personal things
or not at all
sometimes my mouth is bone dry
but i still feel
the sensation of choking

the phantom pain that feels like you
feels like
the place where i used to live.
familiar but foreign,
all at once.

i pretend
not to know her name so
i don’t seem like i care
too much,
but
i remember her name
and i do care,
a lot.

i guess you prefer her brown eyes
over my blues.
i know it’s selfish of me
but the feeling of missing you
is ever-present.

and i can’t even get a text back.

do you still think of me?
i look at pictures
of you,
of her,
of the smile that i don’t get to see anymore.
i know she makes you happy.
shouldn’t i just want you
to be happy?

seeing you with her is tearing me down
from the inside out.
i can’t stand the thought
of another girl
touching you.

your mother once told you
girls don’t always know
what they want
and she’s right

when i saw you for the first time
i wanted you
i loved your look, your charm

i had yet to learn about your
hatred (for yourself and others)
irrational fears
and manipulative nature

you played hard to get
and hurt me
before it even began

i have a bad habit
for liking things that
destroy me
(you, nicotine, among other things)

i chased you despite the hurt
i chased you
to get past your facade

you warned me, i will admit
you tried to deter me
but i was your enigma
and you were the apple of my eye that warm august

i fell into love
quickly
and out of it even faster

and every time i tried to end things
you begged me
stay
you said you would change

you never did

your only ambitions were
the army
and to own all the pure copper pennies circulation

i never liked that

i want the world
i want to be something
and you want
pennies

don’t force me
to love you
please

it’s old
and i know we both like vintage
but this ‘romance’
is untastefully outdated

were you made to taste like
the sunny november mornings of 2009
not a cloud in the sky
no tears in my bright, young eyes

were you put here to remind me
of the times when things were simpler
wake up, go to school, color some pictures
then go to bed, wiggling loose teeth until i doze off

we are so tender,
the fruit who offers resistance to enemy teeth
minds and imagination ripe
just a stage in the grand scheme
still valuable, regardless of what others believe

static sparks fall from
the friction of clothing, blankets.
his mouth is sweet,
his belly soft and pale.
he is warm.

much too late for an abortion
and asking for necessity
is far too selfish of me.
i do not want to be
an obligation to you.
you always told me
you wanted a daughter,
but you never show it.
you always say
“i’m so sorry
i will change”
and i never want to believe you
but i always do
and i never have a reason to.
my blood is nothing to me
because i am nothing to them
but a problem.

you stole my choice twice.
first when you pried it
from my shaking hands.
second when you polluted my brain
to believe every man is like you.

i couldn’t love him even if i wanted to.
all thanks to you.

fast hearts alone in your parents’ house
going between aggressive and tender
half moon fingernail marks in the skin
with teeth-borne bruises underneath

i love you, kitty,
you’re truly my best friend.
you’re getting old,
your time’s coming to its end.
you’re getting weaker, and you’re getting sicker.
your coat’s still soft, though it was once much thicker.
i will miss looking into your green eyes.
i will miss holding you while i cry.
you’ve been there for me, and through it all.
i remember when i got you, in 2009’s warm fall.
you were so beautiful then, the color of pale wheat.
you’re still beautiful now, moseying down the street.
your golden fur shines in the sun.
i’ll never forget all our days of laughs and fun.
your memory will never leave me, you’ll always be by my side.
you’re such a good boy, that cannot he denied.
so in your last years, i’ll treat you extra good.
i’ll give you lots of snacks and pets, just like i should.
i love you, Tommie.

it has not even been two years
since i evicted my fat
so grossly.

then i welcomed it back home for winter.

it stayed awhile.
and now i remember why
i wanted it gone
so bad
in the first place.

you have worn out your
yellow welcome.
it is time for a
white goodbye.

i do not need
the insulation any longer-
i want to be as cold
as my heart.

i want to purge you
like the calories that caused you.

i will never be beautiful
so long as you are around.

your kiss
sets me alight
i know it was sinful
i know im trying to be closer to god
but i can’t help but remember
the taste of your lips
and the way you used to smell
it was
intoxicating
addicting

i know i acted like i didn’t want it
but it was only because i didn’t think i would lose you
so
soon.

it is not normal for me
to lust for your soul
crave chaste intimacy
so what an uncomfortable surprise
to feel these things after the drought

boy number one.

it was the end of eighth grade
coming in from gym class
i remember it was a hot day in may
i was still wearing the black uniform shorts
you were walking behind me in line
snaked your hands up the back of my thighs
as your friends laughed along
at my bright red cheeks
my shaky voice telling you off
and i got to wear teary eyes to the last class of the day
i wasn’t the only girl
and four years later you’re still doing it
my mom told me
that’s what boys do when they like you
and that’s why i never told her
about any of the other boys

boy number two.

i was barely fourteen years old
and it was just you and me
and your ***** (laced?) ****
you told me to hit it
again and again
there i was
twitching in your backseat
your hands on my convulsing thighs
i took the marks home
where you ripped my shirt off
you told me they’d go away
i still have the memories
they are the same each time i relive them
i trusted you

boy number three.

it is safe to say i loved you
for a long while
even after all you put me through
i now understand
coercion does not equal consent
you’d beg me
and i would say no
you made me feel so guilty
but you’d always kiss me right after
(that doesn’t make it okay)
i wish that i had a bigger backbone
and said no
when you asked to come over last month
you said you’ve changed
but you haven’t
and your new girlfriend doesn’t seem to mind
(i don’t forgive you anymore)

boy number four.

every time i would say no
you would laugh
and keep going
just because i said yes once
does not mean yes every time
im glad i called it quits with you
and i will do the same
to any other person
who does anything like you

i liked life much better when all i had to worry about was
what was for lunch and spelling tests

things were so much easier then so much calmer
but flowers can’t grow without some change and rainy weather

i’m at this threshold,
dealing with so many unnecessary obstacles.

i’m letting all of them hold me back
because it is easier to be a victim
than a victor.

he is not the same
as the ones that hurt you.
so why convince yourself
to run from something beautiful
when it has only just begun?

i am the imperfection
in your work of art
which you erase until
i cease
to exist
and so does the idea
that i could ever be a part
of something so beautiful.

i am the blood on
the mattress and
the mud stain in the carpet.
i am the roach
skittering
into the dark
to hide
where it is more comfortable.
to where
i belong.

i am the dirt below the casket.
i do not see the light of day
anymore.

a royal blue ocean
turned black by veil of night
the lighthouse stands alone
on an island made of rock
and moonlight spills
onto everything below
shiny, dark waves
rush onto the shore

it’s funny

in some twisted, ironic way

the food you brought up

you pray goes down

a change
into a completely
different form

i will change
i no longer want to
stay the same

i no longer want to be
me as i am
today

there are times
i want to take a picture of you
doing nothing in particular,
beautifully.
in a second, the moment is gone
and i don’t remember
what you were doing,
but i remember what it felt like
to see you do it.

i look down at myself
eyes bigger than my stomach
still i feel disgusting
in this skin

seven years of torture
almost will be eight
will i let these
disgusting thoughts win

i think about the time
when my thighs were pure
not a scar or stretch mark
on the skin

now i look at them and
things have really changed
you can tell
ive been suffering again

but why does my worth
have to come from
the percent of perfection
of my skin

why does my worth
have to come from
only the body
that i’m in

Those mild annoyances
Are the most sweet.
Like cat hair in your coffee cup
Cause he just wanted to take a peek.

too temperamental.
it is either
                             zero
or one hundred.

not in a good way.  

each word she speaks
brings up that boiling bubble of stress
in my chest cavity.

how can i take
my own insecurities
and feelings of inferiority
out on her

while maintaining
my egotistical
self image?

become slow to anger.
for the good of yourself
and every soul around you.

you were
seventeen with
deep brown eyes
and a warm complexion

play me a song that
doesn’t consist of
your lies or
disregard for my emotions

tell me i’m pretty
then say that i’m fat
make up your mind
and play me a song

strum the strings
but don’t use your words
it just sounds better
when you’re silent

the things that seemed so big back then

now seem so small

will i feel the same

in another 10 years

it is a challenge to remember
there are good people among us.
but it is so much easier remembering
with a reminder right beside you
taking the form of a beautiful soul.

i want to be
like those girls  
like a barbie

i despise my past self for
chopping off my hair
eating too much

i will change
i will be like her
conventional

would it really be so bad
if you kissed me
every once in awhile

i know you think about it

i know you miss me

he tells me he is afraid
to touch me
i cant help but think
all he sees is a crime scene
or someone else’s victim
when he looks at my skin

you have taken the price tag off.
you showed me to your mom
and let me meet your sister.
i met your 14-year-old terrier-
she wasn’t as pleased as the rest.
you brought me round your friends.
you kissed me- soft and hard.
you threw away the price tag,
and the box, and the receipt, and the warranty.
you showed me you will keep me for good,
not just till im worn out
or something better comes along.
time is so valuable
and ours is rich.

somehow it is mid july
and i still shiver,
my body so cold.

a blush on my cheekbones
warms me up from inside out,
too fleeting for comfort.

how can i convince you
i am SICK
when my most obvious symptom
is streamlined, sleek, SMALL

BEFORE
a belt was a belt,
a peanut butter milkshake only that,
a golden car was
nothing more than meets the eye.

AFTER
you became a leather belt,
a peanut butter milkshake,
every golden car,
a **** flashback that i want to spit out.

everytime i gaze at
him it feels like
the first time
lips softly parted
his kiss always
feels new