e l l

e l l Jan 2021

i was just a child
that never got to be one.
and now i am not anymore.
i had to grow up too fast
and now i am grown up.
i like to think i have the answers,
i use self reliance as
a defense mechanism.
being confused or feeling
out of control scares me.
i have not grieved my childhood.
i have not yet fully accepted that
it is over and gone,
both the good and bad.
i do not want to carry it with me,
it is much too heavy and
i must make room for better things.
pain and abuse is all i have ever known.
can i stop nursing these old wounds
and move away,
move on?

e l l Jan 2021

<3

Those mild annoyances
Are the most sweet.
Like cat hair in your coffee cup
Cause he just wanted to take a peek.

e l l Nov 2020

MOH

i sleep in the same bed
that you hurt me in
every single night.
there are reminders of you
everywhere i look.
usually they fade into the background,
but not tonight.
leave me alone.

e l l Nov 2020

ANOREXIA

how can i convince you
i am SICK
when my most obvious symptom
is streamlined, sleek, SMALL

e l l Nov 2020

logic?

manipulating my body
has always been second nature.
i can be bigger
or smaller on command.
when you look at it this way,
disregard the parts which make me ill,
from a purely aesthetic angle...
anorexia is quite the skill.

(the lies ur ed will tell you.)

e l l Oct 2020

DYSMORPHIA.

grasp the mirror.
the reflection is not me,
it is something
distorted and ugly.

what do i look like?
if this is all i see
who is in the mirror?
that thing must be me.

e l l Oct 2020

my dad is a gardener.

i am the seed
you planted.
acting as if there’s distance
between you and the root,
but i know you are a gardener.
could you tend to me?
could you get rid of the pests
you placed in my ***?
don’t get rid of me too!
am i just a **** to you?