i overthink
everything i do
can i not just bloom
thoughtlessly
wherever i will
some type of wildflower

hey yeah i told you i like you
over a snapchat
when i was high off my ***
right after the bonfire with all my friends

and you said
let’s hang out sometime
we don’t talk alot cause
im really ****** shy

i remember the first time i saw you
which is weird
because we’ve never actually spoken
a whole five years ago in art class

we have the same favorite band
and i think you’re cool
you said we should smoke together
and im down sorry if im weird

i wanna go in the woods
and hold your hand
real gentle and tender
see your smile lined with braces

i know your zodiac sign
and i check your horoscope
you send me pictures of dogs
is it cause you know i like them

what should i say
in the next snap i send you
i think i’ll ask
if you haven’t said anything yet

every one of these songs
sounds the same
maybe that’s why i like them
cause im scared of change

thats why am i so ******* scared
to catch feelings
if this time it could be good
so much better than the last time

moving away
from my childhood home
the only streets i really know
where am i going to go

how can i ever improve myself
if i am too afraid
to take the steps
and do something that scares me

i know my current state
is not the best
i have to challenge myself
if i ever want to grow

i must be
utterly submissive
and take it all
to respect you
and for you
to respect yourself
you must
control and
belittle
the people who
should matter

sunday and i mark the day inadequate. good things are coming up next week. anxiety is coming up right now. and all i can think of is myself. my suffering. my shaking hands so cold to match my feet. the dealer of the drugs i was too hooked on to take once more and never again. the 3/4 bottle of ***** under my jeans in my dresser drawer that has been there for months. the friends who i have spent four days with and now i am convinced they hate me because i am finally alone and can hear my thoughts because they are not drowned out by meaningless conversation. the calories in the chips i am forcing myself to eat because i cant go back to starving even though now seems a perfect time to pick up the habit once again. the three year old puffy scars on my thighs that i want to reopen. the boy down the road who understood the unsaid exchange of using each other for our bodies and it never filled the right hole. the friend who is dead and i don’t want to do that to everyone all over again it hasn’t even been a month since she kicked it. the fact that the world doesn’t revolve around me i don’t need to be so jealous so entitled so demanding. the father who never loved me before but now he really never will along with the rest of the family he can manipulate. the fact that good things will happen next week and i need to keep going to see them.

he is captivating but it is unfounded
what more do i know than just a handful
still i can imagine myself laying with him
it’s dark but i can still see his warm eyes shine
we laugh at something dumb, cheesy, simple
i don’t even know what his voice sounds like
we have never spoken in person
would he even want to
but i can just imagine him saying something
it’s clever and teasing, he has a sharp tongue alright
but how do i know that for sure
unless i speak to him for real
i can just picture him in the night
looking up at the sky
moonlight accentuating his pale skin, deep blue under eyes
and the shine of his brown eyes and nearly black hair
i like the contrast
i like to live in black and white

i want to see
all the glorious things
that are in store for me
so i must stay alive

i want to finish
all the books i put down
and never opened again
and then some more

i want to walk through forests
through meadows and mountain trails
through ocean water
through creeks in autumn

i want to draw every beautiful face
every soul worth remembering
photograph every pink-orange sunset
every smile of my dearly beloved

i want to write my poems
maybe they are only mediocre at best
but they give me a little outlet
channel out the ***** water into something beautiful

i want to fall in love
for real this time and not with someone toxic
someone real and genuine and kind
maybe it will be myself

i want my mind to be on my side
who else will guide me if not my own judgement
i need to have strength and clarity
i need to get better

i have weathered the storms
maybe more are to come
but i think i can move forward
and not forget the lessons learned