e l l

e l l Mar 2019

it has not even been two years
since i evicted my fat
so grossly.

then i welcomed it back home for winter.

it stayed awhile.
and now i remember why
i wanted it gone
so bad
in the first place.

you have worn out your
yellow welcome.
it is time for a
white goodbye.

i do not need
the insulation any longer-
i want to be as cold
as my heart.

i want to purge you
like the calories that caused you.

i will never be beautiful
so long as you are around.

e l l Mar 2019

clown kid

things have been different,
better for me,
but it’s all the same
with my family.

mama is sleeping,
all day and all night.
when dad comes home
all i hear is a fight.

i don’t want to be like this,
i improve out of spite.
when you tell me i’m nothing
bark’s worse than the bite.

i do all i can,
i do well in school.
i do all the chores
but i guess i’m a fool.

my dad’s never happy,
the bar is too high.
truthfully, i understand
he’s not really a good guy.

still i want to please him,
i want to be good.
but my parents never loved me
the way a parent should.

it hurts really bad,
it hurts deep down.
when you try your best
and still look like a clown.

how can i make you happy,
what more can i do?
what is there left
for me to improve?

i clean the whole house,
i cook him some food.
but it’s always inadequate
and he’s always quite rude.

i know i’m not appreciated,
but will be when i’m gone.
when i am an adult
it will be my dawn.

i have to save myself,
a few more years and i’m free.
maybe they’ll miss me
and say that they’re sorry.

e l l Mar 2019

unloved

i am the imperfection
in your work of art
which you erase until
i cease
to exist
and so does the idea
that i could ever be a part
of something so beautiful.

i am the blood on
the mattress and
the mud stain in the carpet.
i am the roach
skittering
into the dark
to hide
where it is more comfortable.
to where
i belong.

i am the dirt below the casket.
i do not see the light of day
anymore.

e l l Mar 2019

dear you, sincerely me

the phantom pain that feels like you
feels like
the place where i used to live.
familiar but foreign,
all at once.

i pretend
not to know her name so
i don’t seem like i care
too much,
but
i remember her name
and i do care,
a lot.

i guess you prefer her brown eyes
over my blues.
i know it’s selfish of me
but the feeling of missing you
is ever-present.

and i can’t even get a text back.

do you still think of me?
i look at pictures
of you,
of her,
of the smile that i don’t get to see anymore.
i know she makes you happy.
shouldn’t i just want you
to be happy?

seeing you with her is tearing me down
from the inside out.
i can’t stand the thought
of another girl
touching you.

e l l Mar 2019

my girl.

your kiss
sets me alight
i know it was sinful
i know im trying to be closer to god
but i can’t help but remember
the taste of your lips
and the way you used to smell
it was
intoxicating
addicting

i know i acted like i didn’t want it
but it was only because i didn’t think i would lose you
so
soon.

e l l Mar 2019

thin

i have been graced with
a voice so sweet
and this voice rings like a bell.
a church bell, to be precise.

i know others hear this
comforting sound.
the words she speaks and sings
so pleasantly
stick in our minds
like the golden honey she
does not allow.

she commands us to ritualistically douse ourselves
in water
as if it were holy.
as if it will cleanse our wrongdoings.

every day is accompanied by her singsong voice
in the background,
whispering in our ears.

and even though this voice is angelic
the words it professes are
not so polite.

this voice is a ringing in my ears
that will not leave.

— The End —