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eli May 2020
I’m learning
How hard it is
To run
From your problems
eli Apr 2020
How do you do this?
The fight with your brain that the empty is there and you just want to get rid of it but you can’t figure out how

It’s like a car crash,
You drive a little fast, a little recklessly one too many times
But what could go wrong?
Nothing has ever gone wrong before
So you go a little too fast
It’s not your fault if somebody else is drunk
You didn’t make that decision for them

You wake up in the hospital
Bandages around your arms
Broken legs from trying to lift yourself up when you were crushed

And you swear to never drive again
That was too close
You could’ve died

But the next day
You have to go to school
Your parents have already left for work

You slip into that familiar drivers seat
The steering wheel fits perfectly around your hands
The grasp just right,
The grooves from where you nervously rip your hands
And you find yourself accelerating
Faster and faster

There’s already been an accident once
What’s the chance of a second one?
eli Mar 2020
I hate it when people say stuff like:
“You’re so brave for battling your depression like that”

I am not battling it
Not anymore
The harder I fight back the worse it gets
So I am living with it

We made peace together,
Not a functioning peace
But it is calm

Like the calm before a storm
Or a fire

Because it is quick to ignite itself at the slightest able chance

So I am not battling depression

I am battling myself
Depression
eli Mar 2020
I’m sad today
eli Mar 2020
When I’m at work
Sometimes I am a total *******
I believe it’s to make my coworkers hate me
So when anxiety creeps up and tells me
That none of my coworkers like me

It’ll be true this time

Why the hell would I want to torture myself like that?
That’s absolutely crazy to do that

Yet here I am
eli Mar 2020
I saw the help button on here
I almost impulsively pushed it
Trying to get help for myself
Then I realized that the button
Is if anything goes wrong
On this site
Not with me

Hahaha
eli Mar 2020
The longest relationship I have
Is the most toxic one in my life
I wish I could end it
But I just keep getting pulled back in

There comes a time,
And for a while she leaves me alone
And I think she is gone

But then she is back
Asking for money like a deadbeat dad
Except I have no money
I already have it to her

So she carved the money out of me
Rectangles of my skin
Hung and dried
A terrible form of currency

But it pays her off
For a while
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