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Winter left behind
a labyrinth of addictions,
chains of solitude
that took you the whole summer
to break,

Long sleeves on a sunny day,
pockmarked with exhausted pain,
delivered in fractures
only you can see on your face.

The mirror: a split-screen
of everything you see
versus
everything that you feel.

You have been staring
at your plate until everything
has grown cold.
You have drowned yourself in changes:

it is no wonder you do not feel whole.

Winter left behind
a fraction of yourself.
You scale the branches
in the bloom

only to wake up ******,
alone,
another winter's afternoon.
c
What happens when you grow old?

Do you suddenly realize that you’re closer to dying than is comfortable?
Or do you see the end of your life as gratifying and inevitable?
When your child no longer needs your care, do you feel relief?
Or do think that obligation will always be present, underneath?
When you no longer need to cook for your family, or your mate;
Do you long for the days where everyone sat at the table to wait?
As you made a grand entrance with a turkey for the holiday;
You were the one everyone bragged about at work the next day.
When the time comes that you’re old enough to retire;
Does that make you happy,or, do you ponder all that you did not acquire?
Is there a certain age that all of a sudden you think time is short?
That you need to make plans for that final trip to the morgue?
Do you acknowledge and believe that you are no longer young?
And everything you are supposed to struggle with is done?
I hope that I go through my golden years with some grace.
That I recall having memories of living a life I embrace.
Because in the end isn’t that what it’s all about;
Not the things you acquired, but, the people you can’t live without.

Randy McPeek
Me
.

Without you, I would still be me,
just not the me that I want to be
Tark Wain
May 5, 2015
Depression
Depression.
You read about it.
See it on Tv.
I always thought it was a filler.
An quick way to describe a character.
"Oh He's depressed"
Everyone took a slow nod.
And then the show went on.
The character wasn't depressed.
Sad sometimes, maybe.
But that wasn't Depression.
I didn't know that.

I was blissfully unaware as a kid.
Most kids are happy obviously.
But I was something else.
I never stopped smiling.
When people asked me why.
I told them I had no reason not to.
I thought that would always be the case.
I mean why wouldn't it be.
But then time went on and I had reasons.
I kept my smile through it all.
And then one day.
One solemn day.
It just stopped.
I couldn't smile.
Maybe I had crossed some cosmic line.
Regardless I couldn't smile.

Suddenly I had too many reasons not to.
That's fine I thought.
You can be successful without a smile.
So I kept moving forward.
Into a forest that constantly grew darker.
You're still the same person I told myself.
Just because you don't smile anymore.
Doesn't mean you didn't used to.
It was weird.
Happiness only existed to me in forms of nostalgia.
I remembered the golden times.
And thought their existence validated my lack of current ones.
This was the hard part I thought.
It will go uphill one day.
Eventually.
That's how life works.

But that isn't how it works.
It isn't how anything works.
You can't sacrifice your present for your future.
Present sadness does not guarantee future happiness.
Life is a set of greased monkey bars.
Just because you've made it this far.
Does not mean you were meant to make it any further.
So soak in today.
Because it arrived although it wasn't promised.
Don't just smell the roses.
Pick them.
If only to do so before someone else does.
You don't combat Depression by thinking about your potential.
Or reminiscing over your past.
You defeat Depression by remembering.
That today.
You are You.

That's reason enough to smile.
And so I throw it all away
All those things I could never say
It brings a tear to my eye
But I must let this whole part of me die

We were one
You and I
The moon
The sun
The fallen sky
We were stars
Shining in a midnight's lie
Scorching the earth
Biding our time

Oh how I'll miss you
Waste of mine...
A reflection of my Oneness state...
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