[Not really a poem but yeah..]

I'm searching for a pen pal to exchange letters , drawings, poems with . well , just want to make new friends with all of you talented people. And who knows we might be best friends ? :)
So feel free to  message me by any chance :)  

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hello,
i'm a teenage girl,
yes,
i have friends,
i have dreams,
i have passion,
i have my own favorites,
celebrity crushes,
list of wishlist.

i am happy,
happy to be me,
happy to be apart of the world,
happy to be apart of a good society.

wait,
did i just said something,
about me,
being happy,
in a GOOD society?

there is no such thing!
"good" society doesn't even exist,
right now,
no,
they don't exist!
they have turned into a horrible monster
that gobbles up people's dreams,
judging people,
without even knowing,
go against people,
without even listening.

where is the old society?
the society that cares,
that support,
that love others,
no matter what religion,
what ethnics,
where? where? where?

we suffered,
from pain,
from words.

we lost our self-esteem,
due to the mean words.

we felt horrible,
not worth it,
ugly.

we want you to stop,
stop, stare, listen and act.

this is a confession!
a confession,
from a teenage girl!
to the world!

the day i'm afraid of,
has finally arrived,
knowing  that someone had stole your heart away from me,
early in the morning,
bring me down,
to tears,
i thought i was strong enough,
to face everything.

they said,
i need to relax,
because,
it was just a crush

it was more than just a crush for me,
i've accepted his flaws,
everything,
from head,
to toes,
completely.

you gave hope to me,
with those quiet deceiving eyes of yours,
yet they don't mean a thing.

*******.

i'm getting over you
and this is only,
day one.

I skipped day 10,
Cos I ain't got any feelings ,
I didn't lost my count darling,
I just lost you.

I don't know whether the feelings,
Are coming back or not ,
For the time being,
I would say,
I'm in a confusion state.

Well we did meet each other at school,
Probably not everyday,
But we meet,
From far,
I still looked at you tho,
Just not as frequent as before.

I kinda miss searching for you,
I kinda miss a lot of things.

I'm not suprised ,
If one day,
I started to have the same feelings,
All over again....

Plus,its not a bad thing,
Liking you all over again,
Start from the bottom.

I know why I gaved up,
Just because,
You had a crush on someone,
And that someone is... not me

Who knows it might one day.

But the most important thing is...
If I decided to fall all over again for you,
I would never bet over hope,
I would never go and blindly trust all the eye contact,
And if I stumble all over it again,
I wish ,
I could stand up,
And repeat,
But with another person..

but.... I still want you
Its day 11 and remember, I didn't lost count for day 10, it just that, everything stays the same without you

Nothing interesting about today,
Unless my life is fill with your embrace
But today was just like a normal day,
Where I tend to keep myself away.

I woke up to a video your friend posted on instagram,
I find it cute,
The way you talk,
The way you teased him,
The way you laughed,
I caught myself laughing to you,
My world.

It would be great,
If I were to wake up,
To your sloppy good morning text,
Or wake up to waking you up,
Because you are always late.

Why do I know so much?
How do I know?
Why did I need to know?

Because darling,
You mean the world to me,
Even though I didn't mean anything to you,
Never in a second.

I'll try and be brave for you,
But I'm just not quite sure,
Whether I'm ready to be falling so hard for you,
Or vice versa.

Its day 12,
I think,
I'm going back to the start,
I think.

I'm tired of repeating the same thing,
In tired of waiting,
I'm tired of not being brave enough,
I'm tired of being that typical girl who waits for a guy to come and mend her heart,
I'm tired with all that thing,
I'm tired of being ugly,
I'm tired of being "not good enough",
I'm tired of being fat,
I'm tired of seeing you passing by me without any words coming out from your soft lips,
I'm tired of waiting for miracles to happen,
I'm just tired with the same thing,
Going on and on my life,
You weren't there!

I just want you to make a move
Or should I?
I'm not brave enough,
But I want you,
I want you.

This crush thing,
Its not going to fade like that,
No,
Its not.

I rather keep it in my heart ,
Then letting you know.

But I know!
If you love somebody,
Sacrifice for them,
Put your ego and pride aside and that's .... true love...
I accept the challenge to make the very first move,
But I don't know how?
Where to start?
What to say?
What if you hate it?
What if you hate me after that?
What if you don't want to look at me?
What if ...

Its day 13,
And I'm struggling ..
With my inner peace ,
My inner self ,
Falling so bad..
Again
For you ..

2 weeks already ,
Time flies so fast,
But you were still here,
In my heart.

I re-read everything I wrote for you,
Even tho I know,
You wouldn't read about it,
Or you wouldn't want to.

I was such a fool for the past few days!
I told myself I've moved on but no!
Its the opposite !
Why?!

I want to just go away from everything,
Just for a moment.

Run away from you,
From school,
From feelings,
From myself.

I want to discover world's best kept secret,
I want to discover your world's best kept secret,my love.

I cannot stop hopping,
That one day,
You'll notice me.
I hope.
I'll pray for it.

Its day 14,
How have you been?
Please don't be mean,
Help me , I'm not a sin.

its Day 15,
apparently,
the last day,
i decided to stop here,
i will stop counting days,
and get on with life.

but i will never stop this one thing,
never ever i will stop,
until my last breath.

i will never stop writing about you,
about those people who leave so many marks on my heart,
those people who inspires me,
i will never stop writing about how wonderful you are,
how wonderful the people around me were,
how wonderful the weather today
i will never stop writing.

never stop writing...
about your beautiful flaws..
your beautiful treasure..
i will never..

from now on,
i promised to keep on writing,
and radiating
good vibes
inspire other people
and
you

i managed to wake up,
and not think about you.

i was kind of proud,
with myself,
this time,
i'm moving on so fast,
too fast.

this morning,
it doesn't feels like my usual morning,
where i'll be in school,
waiting for you to come.
I'll be looking down my watch,
every tick,
just to make sure that,
i see your face first,
before school starts.

during recess,
it feels different too,
usually,
i'll be searching for your shadows,
but not today.
today,
i did not even bother,
you came or not.

everything just feel so different,
am i moving on too fast?
or is it too slow?

i knew it from the start,
from the first day,
i liked you,
i don't deserve you.

i know,
it was just a crush..

its day 2 my dear,
how are you?

another day,
Again, without you in my head.
I don't want to lie,
It does feel empty in the inside.

Heart bleeds,
Non stop,
Whenever the thought of you passed by,
Inside my head.

The pain is still there, dear.
It is unbearable.

We bumped into each other today,
Oh god,
Only god knows how much i miss watching you from a far,
But now,
You're in front of me,
Walking down the stairs,
Passed by me,
I forced myself,
Not to look and stare at you,
Like i used to.

One strange voice from the inside whispers...
you can never get over him,
Another one screams,
move on my darling!

but i don't know...
I really don't know..
I really don't know how...
I miss everything,
I miss those deceiving eye contacts...
I miss watching you...
I miss everything about you...
Eventho it was just a ...crush

It's day 3,
And im confused
And i....
*missed you

Today,
Like usual,
The thought of you,
Didn't appear,
Didn't saw you today,
Didn't worry about you today,
But ofcourse,
I missed you....a little.....

I had fun today,
Bones didn't ache,
Tears didn't fall,
I laughed a lot,
But,
I talked about you.. a lot too...

I would say that,
I've moved on,
89% , im sure,
I've moved on,
But your way,
Your smile,
Your happiness,
It just seems to linger around,
And marked it territory in my heart,
But i'm sure,
It wouldn't last longer.

I wish everyday was like today,
I didn't feel pain.

Still the same,
No thought of you passed by since morning,
Maybe a little,
But i tend to not bother about it.

Tomorrow,
We'll be seeing each other,
Even if we did not,
I still can feel the energy you released,
And i'm afraid,
That i'll fall for you,
All over again.

Let just wait and see,
How this continues.

I think i don't need to repeat it again,
I woke up feeling okay and happy,
And didn't even bother about you.

Like usual,
I saw you,
We didn't make any eye contact anymore,
As i always try to avoid it,
And everything went well,
But yes,
I missed you,
And darling,
You look good today.

Last night i thought i was moving on too fast,
As i started to fall in love with somebody new,
But that feeling was just temporary,
I don't feel anything towards that guy,
In fact,
I just don't want to have any feelings.

I still smile every time my friend said your name,
Your name, its like,
The sweetest and calmest lullaby ever,
It would a lot more better,
If you were mine.
Well you weren't.

I just want to tell you,
You look good, every single day,
That girl who you have a crush on,
Is so lucky,
To be loved by you.

*.....i wish i was her....someday......

It feels the same,
No changes,
I've stop thinking about you.

I don't know whether I've moved on or not,
Because,
I still have a picture of you in my phone.

Today,
I've come up with one hypothesis...

I don't need to get over you, I can still love you like I used too, she was not your girlfriend, she was just your crush, this whole thing was just a crush thing, why should I bother getting over you?

But the fact that,
I don't have the same feeling towards you ... Is saddening.... *

Its day 7 already my darling,
I'm still confused with this whole thing,
And I still wonder,
What are you doing right now,
Are you texting with that girl or have you gave up already? ...

....I hope you have, I hope you give up on her and notice me......

I saw you today,
I thought I'll freaked out,
But...
No...
I didn't ,
I walked by you,
With confidence ,
I've moved on , yes I have,
But a piece of me,
Still wants you,
I wouldnt lie about that.
Oh and hey,
You look handsome today.

I still want you
only you*

But i wont fight for it,
I wont chase you anymore

Dear you,
i do not know how,
to describe this feeling of mine,
to you,
whom i saw,
everyday,
from a far,
all the feelings,
i've been keeping it,
for a quite some time,
not knowing when to let it out,
as i'm afraid,
afraid of being rejected,
for the thousandth time,
if you're,
to come up upon this,
this is for you,
and i...

"I Love You"

he
who you often describe
as someone strong
in the outside
but not always strong
in the inside

he
who leads
a country full of narcissist wannabe
legends and catastrophe

he
who build an empire
of love and fears
to those heart that can easily tear

he
who lights up
your darkest night
with the help of
amazing sights
alongside
sounds of fright

he
who stole  your soul
with a slight touch
on your damage bones

he
who we all need
no matter what
he
will always be alongside
we
or
mostly she
mesmerizing her sight
day and night
pouring out
the words of the knight
to shall stay strong
and loyal
to his beloved
wife

since day one,
i could not help myself,
but to love you endlessly,
the way you smile,
the way you turn your head around,
the way you walk,
the way you talk,
never failed to make me smile.
but i never had the chance,
to see everything,
in a short distance,
everything was from far,
very, very, very far

you were so far,
that every time i saw you,
walking around the school compound,
it excites me a lot,
but
i cannot show you,
i cannot show the world,
that i,
i have a huge love for you

every time i saw you walking,
i keep on wishing,
i was there to walk beside you,
i was there to accompany you,
i keep on wishing
you were mine.

i know,
you wouldn't love me,
the way i would,
everything is just hopeless,
i'm tired,
tired of waiting,
for this one true love,
hopeless love

I...
I have accepted ...
Every flaws you have,
On your body,
I have accepted,
All those scars, marks, dark spots

I have accepted you,
More than i accepted myself.

Those scars on your left hand side,
I'll call that fighter's scars,
Cos i know,
You've been through something,
When you were just six or five,
I might not know the whole story,
But at least,
I notice and i know why,
And that scars,
Are beautiful,
Just like you.

That lips of yours,
Others might notice,
That you have one of hella different lips,
A little bit different from the others,
But dear,
That is beautiful,
Just like you.

Both of us have so many flaws,
But i've accepted yours,
More than mine.

But we weren't meant for each other....
But i've accepted everything....
With all my heart...
Don't i deserve a place in your heart?

I wish you were mine,
So i can tell you,
How much i adore your flaws,
I can go on and on,
Without even bother about anything,
Because you are so beautiful and nice,
You're the nicest man,
I've ever met.

I'll tell you that,
.....Everyday....

i felt so lost
in the middle of the beautiful sound
lifting my emotions
making me to fall in love
again and again
with the sound of the soulful
saxophone of yours

the sound waves
that went through
my destroyed ear canal
all over to the brain
waking up all the dead
cells , veins and arteries
making me remember
that such sound
still exist

even when the years had past
the melody never dies
long will it stay
dancing near
this two pair of ears
of mine

will i die
along with the melody
or will i survive
along with the melody

the bright cheerful
desirable melody
is what i live for

She was there,
Through my thick and thin,
Through every sorrow i went through.

She might not know everything,
About the problems i went through,
Because i never intended to tell,
As i can solved it myself,
And never want her to involved.

She was a warrior,
The bravest warrior,
She was everything,
She went through a lot,
She stumble and fall,
She got up and fly.
Her life was full with flowers,
Fires,
Wind.

She is the one,
The one i will always love,
Even the saddest truth have been revealed,
I dont want to bother,
She is still,
She will always be she,
And she will always be my mother...
And forever she will...

Dear Strong,
Stay.

No matter what,
Stay.

No matter how hard
the wind hits you,
Stay.

No matter how painful
the scars on your soul,
Stay.

No matter how empty
and lonely you are,
Stay.

No matter how heavy
the rain of tears
that falls from your well of fears,
Stay.

No matter how tired
your legs are
from running in the jungle of thoughts,
Stay.  

No matter how hurtful
the song of tortures that came from the mouth of unbelievers,
Stay.

No matter how annoyed
you are by the colors of the fake rainbows,
Stay.

Stay and Stay.
You only have yourself.
You need you,
as much as they need you.

Stay.
Just Stay.
You'll make wonders
when you
Stay, Dear Strong.

it was tough
it was rough
i lost count on how many times i cried
i lost count on everything i did
i miss you and i really do
this is probably not the best thing to do
but it will do
we need and have to figure things out
so we stayed silent almost a day
but you decided to hit me
with a "i miss you" text
"how was your day?" you asked
what do you expect me to reply?
"I'm fine"?
OF COURSE I'M NOT

we talked for few mins
and as usual
you left me hanging
i end it with a goodnight wish just to make thing looks right
i have always end it that way
whatever it is you're still mine anyways
and i wish after a week
i wouldn't have to change that

well
it is quite true that
unexpected things
happens at the time
we least expected

just like
you and me

I've never thought
in a million years
that we would be together

When you came,
my first thought was
"i'll play along"
"well it will end soon"
"i'm not going to love him, at least not that soon"

But
as time passes by
it changes to
"where the hell is he"
"i miss you"
"i wish you he was here to witness this"

How irony
I used to dislike him
Now i'm in love with him

Nights were filled with
thousands words
laughter
late night thoughts
describing each other
and random confessions

how unexpected we have became
how unexpected..

tonight, i feel lovely,
writing down my feelings,
accompanied by the beautiful rain voice,
on a piece of paper,
writing it with happy colors.

times like this,
people take for granted,
times like this,
i felt loved

And every time they ask me about you,
I tremble..

today,
everything was so overwhelming,
you were so sweet,
i never thought i would see that side of you,
you and animals,
can never go wrong,
but i also got to admit that,
that i now,
long for your stare,
long for your happiness,
i never had the chance to actually
stare and stare
and adore
your fine existent,
i just want you
now
and
forever

Today I realized,
how important it was
to value the little things
those little small tiny moments.
I'm not talking about moments with  friends or family,
or your significant others,
i'm talking about the little unnoticeable moments
that we all made
to..ourselves

from the moment the sun wakes us up,
to the way the sun shines it rays on our face,
and to the way we groan about how annoyed we are but than we thank the sun anyways
to the way we look at ourselves in the mirror just to give a peek on our morning face,
(we've always known how terrible we look but still we give it another chance, who knows, we might get lucky and look super incredible that morning)
and to the way we walk to the bathroom with our bathing towel on our left or right shoulder,
to the way our hip sway, from left to right,
when in the toilet, we took another peek of our morning face again , just to feed the hunger of our curiosity,
to the way we choose what to wear on that day.
everything single little things we do is beautiful
and what more do we need ?

Its funny,
How few years ago,
I swear you will always be on my mind,
I swear you will always be my only reason to write,
The only reason why i am still breathing,
I swear in your name,
That everything i do,
Is going to be all about you.

And today,
I swear in your name,
The thought of you does not exist anymore.
And not a single thing that i do,
Remind me of you.

A friend of mine,
Gave me a picture of you,
Technically,
You look so happy,
Your smile,
They are just captivating,
I'm happy that you're happy.

That picture,
Brought me to tears,
I don't know if its the i-am-happy-to-see-you-happy kind of tears,
Or is it just i-want-you-to-be-mine-forever-why-you-dont-notice-me-i-need-somet­hing-to-hold-on-to-and-you're-the-one kind of tears,
Whatever it is,
I cried.

I hope one day,
I can see that smile,
Everyday,every morning,every night,
Whenever I want to.

*....I wish.....

I lived in a world
Where everything intertwined
Where everything is in harmony
Where everything completes each other
But that kind of world
Only exist
In this small brain of mine
Cannot be heard nor be seen

Dear you,
Im afraid of only one thing,
Afraid that i might be really deeply in love with you....

And
its happening...now...

As time goes by,
I realized ,
How valuable my life is.

I realizes that everything in my life they are all valuable,
It feels good to help strangers ,
It feels good to know that I helped them a lot ,
And I really wanted to know strangers a lot more ,
I wanted to know every ,
Each one of you ,
More,
Deeper.

In the future ,
I want to travel the world,
Alone,
Make new friends.

In the future,
I want to surround myself,
With animals,
With nature.

I wonder what does it feels,
To be surrounded,
By the greens.
I want to do everything,
And know everything,
And feel everything .

I miss you so bad right now,
Like so bad
I want you ,
Now

i lost my most important weapon of all times,
i lost my imagination,
i lost my interpretation,
i lost my once called beautiful mind,
i lost it,
when i lost you.

you have my whole world in your hand,
my whole heart in your heart,
my tank full with oxygen in yours,
and i was left with none.

and now i realized,
how i cannot rely,
on a mortal like you,
nor i can rely on myself too.

it has been a long time,
since we last see each other,
i saw you few days back,
thought i would be longing,
moaning,
over your presence,
but i was stronger than i ever thought.

now,
nature took your place,
in this black heart of mine,
i am now,
a sucker for succulents,
a lover of the dried leaves,
a slave to mother earth.

Why the hell people are being so judgemental , being so sarcastic about one appearance?

You do know that I'm a girl,
And if you judge me by my size,my look,
For sure I'm gonna be mad,
Because I'm a normal girl,
I don't have confidence in myself.

I know I'm fat,
I know I'm ugly,
I realize my flaws,
I know myself really well than you.
But you don't need to judge me by my appearance
Because it got nothing to do with your life!

No matter how fat I am, as fat as a hippo or even fatter,
That thing won't change your life!
IT WONT CHANGE YOUR ******* STUPID LIFE!
*******!

FROM NOW ON,
I WONT CARE ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE TELL ME ABOUT HOW I LOOK BECAUSE ITS MY ******* LIFE AND I CAN BE WHO I WANNA BE AS LONG AS IM STILL ME AND ME.

AND TO ALL THE GIRLS OUT THERE,
LISTEN UP,
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL,
SO BEAUTIFUL,
******* BEAUTIFUL
THAT NO ONE CAN REALIZE IT,
THAT IS WHY IT TAKES THE RIGHT GUY TO NOTICE AND THAT MR RIGHT , WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER. BE PATIENCE, GOOD THINGS TAKES TIME.
DONT BE A FOOL BY TRYING TO BE PERFECT IN THOSE ******* EYES,
BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT BUT YOU ARE WORTH EVERYTHING.

I'm falling
For my long lost love
Again ....

After 6 years of loving
Liking
Hoping
I, then , decided to give up

But then,
Now,
That feeling ,
I started to feel it again.

No,
I can't ,
I can't fall for you again,
I just,
Cannot.

I don't know ,
What should I do,
It's not a sin tho,
To fall for you again,
Just that,
I had enough of waiting ,
Hoping.

Furthermore,
This heart of mine,
Is in need of someone,
To mend it,
Not to break it.

I don't know
......

Missing him,
Is the only way.
And the only thing.
I'm capable of doing....

i just wanna be perfect..
and by perfect ..
i mean
i wanna be comfortable in my own skin,
feel great about myself,
never feel sad or lonely,
be smart and intelligent,
and be nice.
but i cannot and i don't know how
i just wanna feel okay ..

you asked for the dust.
i gave you gold dust.
you asked me to reach for the stars,
i reached for the moon instead.
you asked if i was okay,
i said yes even though its a no.
you asked can i leave,
i said yes even if i won't let you leave,
because i just want the best for you,
and that is what i live for.