75 moments to love you...
75 over this great span of time...
somewhere around 18 I loved you...
at 45 I told you...
I tell you every other time now...
mostly I miss you...
in 75 moments you became an integral part of my existence. ..
Funny how 75 moments can change a person. ...
what I want is different now...
you and I with all those moments. ..
I could spend 75 more and we'd still be the same together...
I'd still cut my hands up every time I touch you...
you'd still kiss me better...

you'd still go home to her and call me in a week...
missing me...
wanting 76 moments. ..
I guess I do to...

E.J.M.

I'm lost in the relevance of you...
Of holding you in the dark.. Tracing little circles...
Of waking up to your coffee... as
I sat on your couch and we watched the news... my head against your shoulders
I realized that I've always loved you in this way... a shocking epiphany...
To love someone for 20 years and never have them... to never know that's what this was...
And now I know... I can do nothing about it...
You are there and I am here... so far away
There's so much space between us..
I sat there staring at your face and realized that I've loved you from that very first time I met you...
As I sobbed on the plane last night... leaving you and the knowledge that you are the one that I'll never have....
And all I want is a different life with you... waking up next to you with 8 more minutes to sleep...
Feeling you holding your breath as I run my fingers across your chest in the cool blackness....
I'm burning these moments in my most precious memories....
Wanting you to call and say " please come back to Boston".....
I'm missing you so much already...

E.J.M.

There is this hollow space beneath my breast bone where you use to be...
The absence of you is a void....
I miss you no less today than I did 2 years ago... or every time you went away...
The absence of you doesn't really cause me pain...
There are just days where I wonder how you are?
When I think of you more...
When I feel the absence of you in my soul...
I wonder if it ever goes away?
I feel branded by our love...
Like a tattoo of what we were... left over scarring in your absence. ..
It reminds me of your heart...
Beating next to mine...
That's no longer there...
just this unfilled void where our love went....

E.J.M.

there's the sadness of you. we will never be... My heart longs for you. yet you're unattainable. I feel we are running in circles this never ending love affair.. Some days it's worse than others. and I can't reach you and I want to. we have all these missed occasions and marked moments...
I'm lost here.  We are made of absent spaces.  This recurring heartbreaking breaks me.

E.J.M.

Be careful with me...
I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way.
I remember every word you say to me...
I absorb your words and that look in your eyes when you look at me.
One look at your face and I'm gone....
all drowned in the meaning of you,
of what you say with your eyes.
The way my heart pounds
and my world spins out of control when you are near.
I had thought that the anger and hurt of you..
would lessen that feeling of utter absoluteness.
I trust you instinctively, completely
I fear getting lost in you again.....
I fear losing you again despite that you are not mine to lose.....
I still carry your heart in my heart...
I still embrace it everyday...
If I never see you or hear from you again
I will still love you forever....

E.J.M

Be careful what you accept in love...
It may shape the entire affair
There is no Changing once it's the habit...
Don't take less and then expect more....
Acceptance may change how you feel...

E.J.M.

These selfish moments are all that I have. ..
I hold them in my heart. ..
That smile still takes my breath away. ..
Hello gorgeous. ..
Just to hold you. ..
Skin to skin. ..
I stretch these moments in my head. ..
Make our selfishness last for days Instead of mere moments. ...
I live the most alive in these...
The brilliant blue overhead. ..
I continue to drown in the topaz...
I've never met a body that fits me better...
I love you...
Thank you for these selfish moments. ..

E.J.M.

Airplanes  overhead....
The noise is deafening. ..
What an enormous roar...
So close over my head....
I watch in fascinated awe....
What beautiful scenery...
So **** loud...

E.J.M.

We meet in our place every time...
Amidst the Pines and scrub...
In the dirt..
In a forest full of sun...
All these trees and no shade...
Our place reminds me ...
of Robert Frost and the path least taken
We leave our mark in this place as time goes by
And seasons change...
Like the mark you leave on my heart each time...
A meloncholy happiness that is us...
I always get a sandspur when I see you...
That small invasive stab to remind me what we are...
The beautiful green of the trees and the wind in your hair...
The brilliant sun upon my face as we kiss deeply...
I take us all in and treasure these moments. ..
Never knowing if we will have them again...

E.J.M.

At the end of the day...
I simply wish things were different. ...
That I didn't love you. ..
Maybe that you loved me more...
That we were at a different time...
Maybe that they didn't exist. ..
I'd change it all...
I'm not sure I can love you like this...
Yet I do...
Here's where wishes get you...

E.J.M.

We are fading and I can't stop it...
This isn't what I'd planned...
As helpless as I am to stop us. ..
I feel you waning...
I love you so much but have lost you somewhere. ..
Your pretty mouth with pretty words...
And it's fading. ..
I miss you in the worst of ways...
When in fact you are already gone...
These weeks without words I cannot do...

E.J.M.

The race of my heart beat....
The throb of my pulse...
The pounding of my blood thru my veins....
It's you....
It's you every time....
And the words just don't come out...

E.J.M.

My best intentions all laying at your feet... What I mean to say.. And what actually comes out are different things... My words get caught on my best intentions...I see us as we are... Yet love what we are meant to be... Yet we aren't...another day goes by and we are only our best intentions...those words we say and so much more... This is who we are... I'll take your best intentions...

E.J.M.

Is it wrong to want you still?
After everything....
and I cave with the slightest touch of your hand....
I've made no conscious decision to touch you again.
But I know in my heart that I would....
Regarding you, I have no conscience...no remorse...no judgment...
no thought of repurcussion...
What is it about Us that does this to me every time?????

E.J.M

You've never wished me happy birthday....
I've never missed one...
I suppose that says it all....

E.J.M.

The indigo of your ink...
The Cerulean sky overhead...

When I hear your voice it's like my stomach has no bottom. ..
This fluttering gutless feeling. ..
I still can't breathe. ..
This bottomless,  butterfly intensity. ..
No wonder I can't leave....

E.J.M.

These broken pieces of what we were...
What we tried to be...
Together..
This is a failure somehow...
I can't fix us... and I no longer want to
I feel all broken inside and missing the thought of the love we had...
I never wanted us to get ugly...
The paints worn off and we are broken...
I still care and that makes it being over. So much worse
I can be broken alone

E. J.M .

One name across the screen...
The melody I chose...
no one is going to love you like I do....
And the butterflies alight. .
That gut reaction happens every time you call
An utter stomach epiphany occurs...
I get giddy and full of butterflies...
They lay dormant inside me until I hear your voice. ..
It's like an eruption of spring. ..
Like a million yellow flowers cascading from the golden Tabebuia  tree....
And I can't stop...
Loving you

E.J.M.

Catching feelings....
I should have walked away at that moment.
But I stayed... and when I tried to let you go... you told me no
Catching feelings with all this in between between us...
I'm left wondering where our in  between went?
No words from you since Sunday?
Here I'm caught up in the feelings that I caught... for you... feeling stupid.
Tomorrow,  what to say when I see you?
Maybe say nothing at all...
I got my wish... now I want more..
I caught feelings... with our in between...
Guess you lost your feelings,  maybe let them go...

E.J.M.

as I Drive into the rain I ponder you... You lied to her everyday... You still do... How can I believe you? She lives with you and doesn't know your secrets... How can I believe that I do? So much that you say is a lie. we are a lie... We live a lie  everyday....we are so twisted up I don't even know what to say...

E.J.M.

You say things will change....
For the better....
For us to be together....
To talk every day...

I want to believe you....
but I know things won't....

Change

It's so hard to alter the direction of one's life...
The complacency becomes so easily done...
You will stay where you are...
because its easier...

I'll either continue to stay or eventually leave you....

Change...

E.J.M.

I could lay like this for days....
Snuggled up against your chest...
Tracing circles around your heart....
Listening to you breathe. ...
Curled up right here against you. ...
These are the moments I love...
Circled up with you. ..

E.J.M.

I'm wet and cold...
Watching rain fall down around me...
Hanging on to moments that are no longer here...
Thinking back to how we met, words you said, feelings burning....
This close separation gets me here...
Passing our places and thinking of you. ..the contemplation of butterflies ...
That glimmer in your eyes...
I don't get the whys and how's of us....
I don't understand the closeness of us. ..
The separation of us...
There isn't any us...
I'm in the Pouring rain. ..
Surrounded by the blackest sky...
With your heart on my mind....

E.J.M.

So many things that I want to say to you. ..
The words never come. ..
My head filled with noise until you appear....
Suddenly it's all silence....
There are no words when I am with you....
No necessary chatter...
Just you and I. ..
Just us and them...
The frivolity of words with happy endings...
I don't need them. ..
I just need you...
At this time and this place. ..

E.J.M.

How many places have I walked on, that you have created?
You are everywhere...yet no where.....
below my feet...in my sight...
always in my head, always thrown back in there, in my head.
I bet you never think of me.....I'll never know

E.J.M.

And we connect...
And we separate...
You come come back and I dissipate
Loving you is this ache...
This pretty little box with no hinges
I can't open it and I can't separate
This connection is killing me

E.J.M.

We must be crazy....
Contorted up in these small spaces...
Such horrible confines...
No place for our faces..  
It's too hot and I can't move..
I think your sitting on my dress...
I really am impressed....
The spaces we fit....
Just you and I ...
Contorted all up just to kiss you...
You're dripping sweat on me and I can't move...
Can't feel my legs...
I just hit my head...
Sorry for biting your lip...
I want to to contort with you again in 105 degree weather..

E.J.M.

Another time... another place...
The you and I of before...
Before I knew what I know now.
You bring me back...
To that place... that girl.. that didn't know what was to come.
You apologize... everything.
Every time...
I can't forgive you.. because I haven't forgotten...
And it takes time...
Months on end.. the waiting
Court...waiting on a sentence to change this...
You changed me..
I'm not the girl I ws before you...
I'm damaged... broken...
Wanting to be alone...
The opposite of what I wanted with you...
Those shattered emotions...
Because of you...
There's no tears.. no regret.. just acknowledgement.
Of the wrongs committed against me while I loved you.

I'm broken and we are waiting.
Everything takes time..
Your words always take me to a sad place...
My voice saves you...
Another time another place... maybe...

E.J.M.

I'm not sure why I came...
But I love that smile....
That wink that makes me feel like the only girl in the world....
Perception of you and me...
I want to know you better....
I see you here and want to be a part of something....
It's crazy...
We both know that... but it makes you feel better to say it...

E.J.M.

This is crazy....
To want you now...
After all this...
Scattered moments in my head...
Breathless kisses in a darkened room...
Crazy chances to take...
And I'm aware of all the risks..
we are here anyway....
maybe we shouldn't....
too late to turn back now...
the damage is done...
stolen kisses and wordless stares...

E.J M.

I'm not a cryer...
Much worse has happened in my life...
Yet here I am crying over you..
I'm good...
Don't text me in the morning.
I have unrealistic expectations...
Excuse me... I mixed up lust with love...
You are beautiful and I am broken...
It's ok... you owe me nothing.
I'll be fine..
I'll be cold...
Don't worry about it.
It's just my heart.
That ***** can take a beating...
Sorry that I interfered in your life...
It won't happen again.
You've got me crying.
Some 28 year old strong, determined, beautiful you made me cry...
I'm harder than that... harder than this..
maybe I thought we had something.
Apparently we don't.
And who am I kidding?
This would never have worked.
But I'm still crying,  by myself,  to myself and part of me might be breaking for you...
you'll never know..
I'll just be gone...
I can't keep doing it...
just know it's all I wanted...
be happy.. because that's what love is.
you made a choice, and I can read between the lines.

E.J.M.

I'm not a cryer...
Much worse has happened in my life...
Yet here I am crying over you..
I'm good...
Don't text me in the morning.
I have unrealistic expectations...
Excuse me... I mixed up lust with love...
You are beautiful and I am broken...
It's ok... you owe me nothing.
I'll be fine..
I'll be cold...
Don't worry about it.
It's just my heart.
That ***** can take a beating...
Sorry that I interfered in your life...
It won't happen again.
You've got me crying.
Some 28 year old strong, determined, beautiful you ....made me cry...
I'm harder than that... harder than this..
maybe I thought we had something.
Apparently we don't.
And who am I kidding?
This would never have worked.
But I'm still crying,  by myself,  to myself and part of me might be breaking for you...
you'll never know..
I'll just be gone...
I can't keep doing it...
just know it's all I wanted...
be happy.. because that's what love is.
you made a choice, and I can read between the lines.

E.J.M.

I may not be ready. .
More fragile than I thought....
More broken pieces to mend...
I let him do more damage
Than I knew..
I don't want to be hurt. ..
I'm scared of giving you these pieces of me and trusting you to care for them..
So many times I've been broken and put them all back...
I'm sharing them with you. ..
and praying that you will be fragile with me...
I'm so very scared of this vulnerability. ..
I'm prepared to do this though... to take the chance on you. ..

E.J.M.

The light across your shoulders...
Those tattoo'd muscles flexing...
The danger that pours off you...
I'm here..
Wild horses couldn't drag me away...
Those teeth on my lips...
Your hands on my hips...
The roughness that rolls off  of you...
Then you hold my hand...
All that anger inside of you..  so dangerous
So bottled up.... I release you...
So hot and heavy..  our eyes meet..  and you say smile...
We light up like an inferno...
And that smile takes my breath away...
All those edges of you turn to softness against me..
I know you're  dangerous..  
I don't heed the warning though...
You walked away ..   now you're back...
Because I love you this way...

E.J.M

I love you not because of words...
I love you not because of your perfection...
I love the pieces that I see inside you that complete me.
I'm scared, I'm broken...
I have no reason to trust you...
Somehow I still love you...
I want these parts of you that we have together.
If we can take the broken pieces of you away... if you can undo what ****** has done...
Am I being hopeful?
Overly everything is perfect, with a unicorn and rainbow?
Is it really you that I love?
I saw something in you that I can't give up on...
We are a mess.. I'm pressing charges against you and we talk of it as if it's nothing...
You aren't mad and accept what you've done. .. now that you're sober...
Can you stay sober?
That's what scares me....
I love you when you're sober...

E.J.M.

As the sun emerges from the horizon...
I think of you..
I drink my coffee and smoke my cigarettes...
watching the orange glow in the sky..
wondering where you are...
I know we see the same pinkish tangerine indigo glory...
I know you are working..
We share this dawn together but apart...
so very apart...
The colors bleed in amazing contrast
The days begun for me in startling brutality...
Your days almost over...
I think of you in these quiet dawning moments...
you creep in upon my thoughts and are held there....
I could sit and think of you for hours...
The colors fade from cerulean to sky...
every now and then..... I give in...
and contemplate the whys.....

E.J.M.

I never loved a man in my 35 years this much..
And I'm terrified...
And it's wrong...
I know this is wrong.... indescribably wrong....
This moral dilemma...
And I can't stop loving you..
I'm scared of loving you this much...
I'm scared to stop...
Not because you'll be gone...
But I fear never finding this again....
My heart hasn't stopped pounding through my chest...
And everything in me tells me to stay...
I'm not a runner ...
In this fear , I'm a fight not a flight girl...
However I know that I should walk away...
Never start a war that you can't afford to lose....
I don't believe I can afford this luxury...
I don't believe I should be kissing you ...
But I can never think with your tounge in my mouth. ..
I can't afford to love like this...
I can't afford to be held like this...
This describeless bliss...
This love that is achingly, morally, life altering wrong..

E.J.M.

I've lost sight of something....
Love is always good...
We decide how we love...
I need to love you differently...
I can love you forever....
I have to change the way that I love you..
Without this change I will fall to pieces....
I'm not a damsel in distress...
I've never needed you to save me...
In fact I've never needed you for anything...
I've wanted you from the start...
I've wanted more and gotten less ,yet still I've stayed...
I'm stronger than that...
I can love you in a different way...
as years pass and our relationship has changed...I've never loved you less...
Apparently I'm not good at that...
However I can love you differently....
Because love is always beautiful...
Love isn't always the same...

E.J.M.

thanks for enlightening me#JeffreyRobin

How does one heart love two?
How can you touch me like this?
We are the words..the touch. .the kisses..
The air that I breathe. ..
The beating inside me....
that make my life...
But it's half. .. half mine...half hers
Everything we are is split...
Divided in moments. ..
Perpetual grasping at time we don't have...
Always wanting more
Always wanting you...
don't stop loving me...

E.J.M.

I dreamed of you last night
I had to call you...
Which is something I would never do..
There was an urgency about it...
In this dream, I had to talk to you...
So I broke the unspoken rules...
And she answered the phone.
We exchanged sarcastic pleasantries. ..
Both knowing the other...
What we both are..
I asked her to tell you I'd called..
Knowing she wouldn't. ..
I awoke unsettled....
Feeling like I need to speak to you...
Wishing I could call you like I do in my dreams
I won't call....


Maybe you will....

E.J.M.

you are my drug of choice baby... I can't get enough of you... My racing heart...butterflies overwhelming me... You're the highest high...you are my only drug of choice... You are the best hi I've ever known... Addiction is such a bad thing...

E.J.M.

Tthese edges of yours are so sharp...
I cut my hands up every time I touch you...
Maybe you'll stay this time..
Maybe, maybe it's time to wave goodbye now...
As I watch you walk away through the woods...
I have no words to say..
You glance back at me and smile...
I smile & just watch as you disappear...
I never know when you'll return...
Yet I always welcome you with open arms...
There are so many lessons to be learned from this...
If I was already gone.... would you miss me?

E.J.M.

I wonder if you think of me in these absent times...
When days go by... do I cross your mind?
When we don't speak. ..
When I miss you everyday. ..
Is it the same?
I miss the sound of your name on my lips...
I wonder if I'm an after thought. ..
I can't live this way...wish days and weeks apart...
Without a word. ..

Yet I continue to...

E.J.M.

I love you in so many ways...
It is enough. ...

E.J.M.

How do we continue this separated love affair?
the days go by...
week by week...
Month by month...
its been almost two years since we met on the side of the road...

We used to talk all the time incessantly....
Now we don't talk at all...
I cannot reach you...
If something happened to you... I would never know
I find it interesting the way that we are...
The way we exist..
The way we still love...

How can we be so separate yet come together so flawlessly?
How do you make me feel so beautiful?
the sound of your name makes my legs weak...

E.J.M.

So I Tried To help...To support...Whatever Way you chose
And now I'm crying because I never meant that much to you.
Fear of the fearless...
The beauty in you ,scared me...
I wanted to touch it..taste it..understand it... be a part of it for awhile..
That's what I got..
My fear was well founded..
Fear of the fearless...
That heartbreaking beauty and strength....
It scarred me...
Here I am... Loving you alone...
Here I am breaking....
Giving you up like you asked...
I am fearless as well...
Do not want me back once I'm gone..

E.J.M.

That moment when you want something so badly but are not sure of the best way to proceed..
Fear of the fearless...
One wrong word and it's gone..
Out of reach, barely breathing..
Which way to go?
Be yourself and roll the dice?
Be yourself with kid gloves...
Trying to Gauge the situation.
Loving the opportunity to know him...
Being afraid that he won't let you...
This means a lot to me...
I'm scared of this moment...
I held him and wanted it to last...
His world went upside down overnight....
And I'm trying to get it back...
So torn between my happiness and his...
Ultimately I want him happy...
There's the love part..
That's the part that snuck in and hit me in the face...
So I'll be me...
He doesn't want my help...
That's all that I have to offer...
I love you... which means I'll risk losing you...
fear of the fearless

E.J.M.

So I realized that I love you..
Finding this hurts.  
So much to say...
Yet nothing can be done..
I love you and realized I always have...
And you are there... and I am here...
So far apart..
And I'm not sure you feel the same..
Finding this hurts because I don't want to change us.  
But I do...
I want to know you like a lover would...
I want to know you intimately...
I can't breach our boundaries....
Finding this hurts...
I miss you so badly..  I'm achingly aware of the loss of you...

E.J.M.

All my life I've been strong.  
Today I want to be treated like a flower...
I'm feeling fragile and I just want you to hold me..

E.J.M.