I have a voice .. but it keeps getting lost in the ether

12:36 am
everyone is asleep

i'm still so lost - who am i?
what do i want?

i know i'm supposed to be tough
a little girl all grown up now
but i feel so small
so scared and so unsure

push me to my limit
I just don't care
i never cared
not once
destroy me
push me to my limit
till i can't breathe

hold me close against your chest
feel my heart race
my short breath
we're on fire
thing's don't seem real anymore
blurred lines
you cross every line
feel the danger
explore the space in between black and white

don't dry my tears
don't muffle my cries
make me scream
feel the fear
voices in my head
are they real?

shout at me
hit me
be sweet to me
am i really your baby\?

take it to the next level
i want extreme
this isn't real
it can't be

i'm trying to get to you
i'm so scared
help me find my way
those veins
i won't trace them to find my way

i'm hot
and you're laughing
your name won't leave my lips
your eyes, they're blown out

is that blood?

i miss you...

why is it so hard to just enjoy the moment?
to just be grateful for the life we have right now
in the midst of one success we yearn for more instead of appreciating that moment in time
it's so sad
so much time is wasted instead of being cherished

but would we be any happier if we spent more time appreciating the now?
i don't know
all i know is that it's my worst habit
my successes are short lived and unappreciated because i yearn for more

i wish i could take things slow
but it's hard when it feels like the world is always travelling faster than the speed of light

but then i think to myself why am i racing against time? or racing against this world that I know will never slow down
where does it get me?

something always feels missing from life no matter how full it may seem
i'm tired
so maybe i should slow down

<3

I knew you would leave
Everyone always leaves

You hated that you didn’t have all of me
But could you blame me?
You wanted all of me because of your impatience, because of your own curiosity

You demand and I’m supposed to supply?

You never loved me
If you loved me then even having a part of me would mean something

I
I love you
In some way
And to even have a scrap of you meant everything to me

I never put you on a pedestal
But that’s love to me

You never loved me
You never loved me
You never loved me

You never love me
You never love me the way I deserve to be loved

in all of this did I lose myself? Or did I gain you?

Whatever it was, it was fleeting
Like it always has been
Like we always are

Thanks for all the good times I guess
But it’s time you learnt your place

You will cease to exist to me
You never gave me what I deserved
But i promise I will give you just that
And I mean that
I feel it
Truly
With no more regret or sadness

I’ll miss you for whatever stupid reason
But I know that if I lost myself again, I’d miss me a whole lot more

Goodbye, A

nearly 3am
i'm inside
but i was just outside
for so long
i'm excited
shaking
jumping internally
apprehensive
immersed in clarity
breathing so loud
its sounds like a silent scream
my eyes are wide
open
searching
i see my own eyes
stare into them baby
they're shutting
act fast

Falling....
it always felt so good to let go
-
it always felt so good to slip
and fall
-
it always felt so good to laugh
and pick myself back up
like it never hurt




if you don't hear from me, tell them i was falling

you say I'm cold
but i know you like it
when I'm tight

I just feel really sorry

nothing is the same
nothing was ever the same again
God
everything has changed
everything just changed

everything in my life has claw marks on it

silence is so comforting to me right now
but it frustrates me in equal measure

it hurts like a ***** it really does
but i persevere and bring the light back into my eyes
to shine bright for myself so i never lose my way

i guess i just don't have much to say anymore
because silence is just so peaceful

Close your eyes princess, you don't want to see this

why can't I shake this terrible feeling
of feeling so lost and stuck
I don't know what to do with myself\I can't even think straight anymore

I've never felt more confused about everything and i think i've just shut down

I just don't see a way out
I just don't know what to do

my body's natural defense system prevents me from ever releasing a true emotion
anything I feel
anything I display
is a figment of my imagination

pale skin
shining eyes wet with fresh tears
cherry lips
cold skin
warm cheeks
a sharp stare
dark hair
your finger in her mouth as she cries
shivering
or shaking
her hair frames her face
move it
your nail digging into her cut lip
the blood running down her chin
feels wet
a metallic taste
a delicious taste
so strange
fear in her eyes
increase it
pleasure in your eyes
you can't hide it
it can't get any better than this
improve it
keep going
I can't stop
control yourself
let go
you're being violated
take it
I can't
do it
keep going
stop
run
don't you dare
this is mine
i'm yours
who am i?
enough
I want this
I need this
i need you
I needed you

****** you but I ****** someone else

impatience screams in my ear so loud
my eyes plead with impatience to have mercy
impatience is a beast, arrogant and fearless
impatience always triumphs
now it's time to tame the beast into submission

i think it's time for change

The tide was unforgiving, so all I could do was watch...

talk to me

Sometimes I’m not sure whether the past was even that great
I look upon it with such longing for those better days

I am the unreliable narrator in my own life
And I am ungrateful for the present too

Give it a name
Make it real
I know you want to feel it

Feel it running through your veins
Liquid Terror

S for say something to me

he gives me life when he breathes so heavy right into my neck

why can't night time be forever

It's okay not to have a dream

Day after day we feel lost
wandering around
hoping, praying...wishing for a purpose
wishing for a dream
something to keep us alive
but it's okay to not have a dream
it's okay to live
to just exist
it's okay

it took a long time for me to learn this
i thought life would be empty
boring and bleak

but just because i don't have a dream
does not mean that i don't dream
never stop dreaming

stay young forever
and love yourself

i feel so ****** up every time we talk
I don't know if it's a good or bad kind of ****** up

i love the darkness within us
why won't you unleash it a little more?

i want to achieve something
i want to make something of myself but i don't want that to happen by me cutting myself off from my distractions
i want to achieve with self discipline by my side the entire time
why is self discipline so hard? or should i say why is it so hard for me?
i keep myself awake till the early hours of the morning because i can't sleep with all these regrets of what I've not achieved taunting me
so i'll feel bad about myself every night and promise and tell myself things that i will definitely do to change and achieve but that never puts my mind at ease because i never do it or i never stick to it
i stick to these bad habits like superglue but i can't seem to form the habits that i crave
constantly circulating around my head will be saying's like : 'those who do,get' or 'wake up feeling determined and go to sleep satisfied'
every day i ask myself how do i stick to self discipline
the worst thing is i know that no one else can do things for me and they need to be done so i have to do it aswell as wanting to do it
but why can't i just do it
this sounds very irrational and overly dramatic but it's so frustrating to discipline yourself i can't describe it or put it in to words easily
i guess i'll just have to **** it up and get on with things otherwise i'll never move forwards because backwards is never an option even though that's all i seem to be doing at the moment
everything is like a chore to me these days and writing as an outlet seems to be helping but it's not really so much writing that i'm doing it's more like an impulsive 'splurge' of feelings? emotions? thoughts? i'm not sure
everything just seems to be pouring out of me at a rate that i will never be able to handle and i just want things to change desperately.
everyday to me is a waste currently as that's what i'm doing i'm just wasting my days away
every day is an opportunity that i'm not seizing which makes me want to grab myself by the shoulders and shake me forcing me to give a rational explanation as to why i'm wasting every day away.
hopefully what I've just written has gotten rid of all my frustration and might actually help me overcome this  
i hate blowing things out of proportion and creating problems but this is just a massive part of my life and if i don't take action the regret i will feel will be enough to destroy me
i can't help but feel that everything is slipping out of my control and i'm at fault
i am the main character in my story and i choose what happens.

the feeling of your collar brushing against my cheek
The texture of your white shirt
It feels so good on my skin
I can feel your body underneath it
So hard and protective

The sound of your heartbeat in my ear
The feeling of your hand in mine
Your voice in my ear
The warmth between us when you take me in your arms

The softness of your lips when I tried to steal a kiss
The tear stain on your shoulders when you said not now

That thick blue denim underneath my legs when you put me on your lap

That unsureness between two familiar strangers
That deep voice when you tell me I’m pretty

The way I melt into your touch when you run your fingers through my long black hair

Us.

Mary Mary quite contrary....

a moment passed
and then there was nothing

oh man, i'm so TIRED
feeling the weight of life is exhausting and i can't wait for the next moment that i forget about it

looking at life through a lens is as close as i'll ever get to home

silent sobs left her shaking until she slowly faded away

One day I woke up and I was afraid to live

Turn your pain into money

i want to feel again
i want time to slow down
i want time to carry me in it's arms, back in time, back to you

Intimacy, i lack
Intimacy, i crave

all i have left of it is a whisper, a single thought that I chase everyday
every last bit of it has been discarded

we don't exist anymore and it hurts
does it hurt you too?

grey rooms and pink thoughts
if i believe in my thoughts
maybe i could paint this room pink forever

just for me
and i could visit this room forever

I think my wasted potential is really a heartbreak
I have so much to give to the world but nothing useful wills to pour out of me
I feel frozen

I don’t know how to unlock myself at all

I wish she was alive
but I fear that her energy would not be so great

-
sometimes I can feel it waning
and I start to think that she is slowly gaining life

--
I know that it scares her
because she starts to feel more ordinary
life looks grey
and beauty is a rare concept

---
she is alive

In the ancient, lives tragedy