just a little something to take the edge off

Why don't you love me anymore

he's a danger, a liability

Momma says "cherish the time you spend with me,
Cherish the time you have left with me"

Listening to Pianos become the teeth.
I'm still 13 and lying on the floor of my childhood bedroom
the rims of my eyes, underlined pink with shed tears
-
I'm not 13 anymore

I can't shift this feeling
that things are never going to be okay again
that things will never be the same again

and this thought spins around my mind
on repeat
until i fall asleep

i have put my life and soul in to this piece
i dedicated my life to this
how dare you
ruin it
come in and criticise it
My life's work
what i put every fibre of my being into

a cry for help is the only cry that is never heard

Y’know, same old same old

Imagine if you could send your thoughts to someone
in little pulses of light
so
when you think of them
and you think about words
but you can't form them into a coherent sentence fit enough to condemn you
these little light pulses
could
say it all

It doesn’t even hurt to break now
I’ve lost all feeling in the places where I’ve shattered and been put back together

and now even if I break more
And shatter into tiny, minuscule, incomprehensible pieces
It just wouldn’t matter at this point
And that’s why it doesn’t hurt

Maybe it’s not a bad thing
To be spared from more pain
But it would be nice to feel something sometimes
Even if it is searing hot pain

To know that I’m alive
To know that I feel

somewhere, something went wrong

always looking over my shoulder
always keeping an ear free
always opening the window just so I can breathe

i am grey
and as for black and white, they always tango around me
battling for dominance
but they forget
that the tango isn't that kind of dance

they throw each other around
instead of moving in harmony

but i am harmony
i am the perfect balance that exists between them

they ignore me
and they will keep going until they self destruct
so i'll watch them from the shadows
until i fade away...until i am nothing but a whisper on their lips

I can’t give in
I’ve gotta stay away
You’re a liability
Because
You’re another secret in my book
That I’ve got hide
  
And I’ve dedicated my life to hiding this part of me
So I’m scared
That my house of cards might come tumbling down
On my greatest high

i ****** up again
i keep doing this over and over and over and over and over and over and over again

A human does the tango with desire and gives the most disgusting performance of a lifetime

I keep trying to remember being a child
I feel like I need to look for something in those memories

Am I a poet? Do I know it? Am i just waiting for a sonnet? To tuck into my bonnet while I scrub the floors of my Lady's castle? Or am I impatient to receive my Haiku? Just to see it stamped into the pavement or ripped by some man's shoe? Or perhaps a good old story? To brighten my days that are blurry? Maybe a speech will do? To empower my sky to change to a lovely hue? I think I'm just waiting for you? To help me escape from my youth.

all this writing on the wall      does nothing for me/
i thought it would make me feel whole again
but i was wrong

every time i'm happy i think it will last forever]
but it never does

I'm a free soul bound by something divine
so tell me why my face is pressed against this glass window...yearning?
yeah I can't move mountains but that doesn't mean I can't take a leap of faith..right?
so tell me why I watch life pass me by...yearning

12:04..time is slowly killing me
but I'm so **** stubborn
******* father time
just like that busted up shop sign that flickers
I'm here to stay

How many times will I be burnt by my own skin?

If I told you all of my secrets, there would be nothing left of me

if i lost myself
what did i gain in return?

there's two sides to everything
but your hand always cups my cheek, softly
and your finger catches my tears
how can i see?

i realise now
that when my vision is blurred
it's not because i'm sad

you blinded me
deceit is just a word, but you really existed
trickery is just an act, but we really existed
danger is very real, damage is always done

Truthfully I feel like putting a bullet through my expired mind
Like cutting a maxed out credit card in half
Or throwing out a chipped glass, because how could you keep one? It’s going to hurt you, make you bleed and just be useless

-
I don’t even bleed deliciously anymore
Even the pain isn’t enough
It just isn’t enough for me anymore
-

If I felt empty before then my present state is not even describable

-

Why live if you can no longer tap into your soul?
Why suffer through the days in the empty vessel of our bodies if your substance is no where to be found?
-

Maybe I’m just incapable of it now
Definitely
Maybe

It was intense sitting across from him but I mirrored his position and stared back into his eyes with the same intensity

I had to look away a few times
But so did he

I’ve played this game every day since I discovered who I really am
You may think you’re a challenge but just try me

i feel alone. truly alone, even though i know i'm not, i mean before i used to be enough for myself but these days i'm isolated from myself. numb, disjointed , just not all here. i can party as much as i want, intoxicate myself until my eyes don't open ever again, i can submerge myself into massive crowds of people just to feel like i'm around SOMEBODY, i can ******* appreciate nature and walk for hours on end, **** it let me find a new hobby
all this **** is repetitive
trying to entertain ourselves just to feel content, it;s kinda like we're reliant on life. **** it man at times i don't give a ****, **** life i don't wanna live it
. i'm not talking about suicide here because i don't believe in that ****, i don't believe death is an escape no matter how much it calls your name , anyways, i'm talking about life ******* itself
i don't care much for these activities
that we created just so we don't go ******* crazy
but then again i want to be a slave to this so called life
go be a model
go make some clothes
maybe fight a couple cases in court
appreciate friends
love my family

how do you survive when two extremes exist within you
do you shoot someone one day then become a priest
do you stop talking then launch into a ******* lecture
when you want to stop but you want to run
what do you do?
i could do both
but then time would come and **** me over
**** it i'll keep all this in a special place within my mind
and use it drive what I've selected to waste my time doing in this world
i'll bend everything to my ******* will
just watch

i wonder what it feels like to have an empty head]
to just sit there like a mindless and pretty doll
oblivious to the human feeling of buzzing thoughts

My skin is on fire
Burning with sin

Let’s burn together

long lost lover and soulmate
we never got close enough to touch
but you marked me forever
-
i still think of you
it fills me with guilt
and just when i think of reaching out
to taste you once more
i feel apprehensive
-
i sigh with longing
-
i wish we could live how we always said we would
but all i can do
is wait for someone purer

going straight on airplane mode to just stare at myself in the mirror because I look really quite cute tonight.

I feel like i have something interesting to give tonight, just no one to give it to

it's too late it's just too late

where are you now?.....what are you doing?

We're forced to fit in

I need to talk to somebody about you
you spread through my entire being
until i am nothing but smoke

Time is so cruel

I listened to strange music at the back of my history class when I was 12 and now I'm brain damaged

i've lost my touch

God, I am calling out to you
though I am not begging on my knees
I wish I was

Instead I look up at your moon and ponder my existence
Nothing comes of it
My soul just grows more restless
But you know that already

-

God, I am calling out to you today
To free me from the shackles of myself
To let me breathe your sweet air everyday and cherish it

Please cleanse my heart and give my soul nourishment
Allow my eyes to see the beauty of your earth
and to feel the hum of life vibrate through me once again

I have grown restless, ungrateful and wretched
Let me fall into your beauty
Let me see the beauty that I am blind to

-

I want to see again
I want to feel again
I want to feel the sun on my skin
and only focus on the feeling of now

-
I want your forgiveness
I want your acceptance
and I want your guidance

-

I may be lost in this maze
but I know my destination, I have never forgotten nor can I forget
All I can do is ask that you make my path clear for me

i love it when i can't breathe
-
those moments spent trying to breathe are electrifying
they make me feel alive when i forget that i already am

so smile...what else can we do?

The lights look so warm in the distance...
I’m trying to grab them but can’t you see they don’t want to be held?

Wherever you are, our stories will always be with you...even if I am not

i promise

do you remember that time you became me for attention?
can you teach me how to be myself again,
it's alright if you can't
i guess i'll just have to reprogram myself,
but the only issue is
so will you

So what's it gonna be?
are you in or out?
because if you're not in,
i'm walking out the door and taking myself with me

trying to stay optimistic is hard
why can't i just let my anxiety eat me alive?
-
but i fight it
because i can't let myself take the easy way out
God it's so hard
-


I'm so excited though
for change
not just any change...the change i've been thirsting after for years
but i let self doubt ruin it
-
i get confused
am i confident or not?
-
regardless of my confidence I suppose the show has to go on
i'm sure i'll find myself again soon

i write on here for ME
because day by day my memory feels like it's fading
fading so fast

i won't understand a single word written
but i'll always know that i felt something at some point