I can’t give in
I’ve gotta stay away
You’re a liability
Because
You’re another secret in my book
That I’ve got hide
  
And I’ve dedicated my life to hiding this part of me
So I’m scared
That my house of cards might come tumbling down
On my greatest high

i ****** up again
i keep doing this over and over and over and over and over and over and over again

A human does the tango with desire and gives the most disgusting performance of a lifetime

I keep trying to remember being a child
I feel like I need to look for something in those memories

Am I a poet? Do I know it? Am i just waiting for a sonnet? To tuck into my bonnet while I scrub the floors of my Lady's castle? Or am I impatient to receive my Haiku? Just to see it stamped into the pavement or ripped by some man's shoe? Or perhaps a good old story? To brighten my days that are blurry? Maybe a speech will do? To empower my sky to change to a lovely hue? I think I'm just waiting for you? To help me escape from my youth.

all this writing on the wall      does nothing for me/
i thought it would make me feel whole again
but i was wrong

every time i'm happy i think it will last forever]
but it never does

I'm a free soul bound by something divine
so tell me why my face is pressed against this glass window...yearning?
yeah I can't move mountains but that doesn't mean I can't take a leap of faith..right?
so tell me why I watch life pass me by...yearning

12:04..time is slowly killing me
but I'm so **** stubborn
******* father time
just like that busted up shop sign that flickers
I'm here to stay

If I told you all of my secrets, there would be nothing left of me

if i lost myself
what did i gain in return?

there's two sides to everything
but your hand always cups my cheek, softly
and your finger catches my tears
how can i see?

i realise now
that when my vision is blurred
it's not because i'm sad

you blinded me
deceit is just a word, but you really existed
trickery is just an act, but we really existed
danger is very real, damage is always done

Truthfully I feel like putting a bullet through my expired mind
Like cutting a maxed out credit card in half
Or throwing out a chipped glass, because how could you keep one? It’s going to hurt you, make you bleed and just be useless

-
I don’t even bleed deliciously anymore
Even the pain isn’t enough
It just isn’t enough for me anymore
-

If I felt empty before then my present state is not even describable

-

Why live if you can no longer tap into your soul?
Why suffer through the days in the empty vessel of our bodies if your substance is no where to be found?
-

Maybe I’m just incapable of it now
Definitely
Maybe

It was intense sitting across from him but I mirrored his position and stared back into his eyes with the same intensity

I had to look away a few times
But so did he

I’ve played this game every day since I discovered who I really am
You may think you’re a challenge but just try me

i feel alone. truly alone, even though i know i'm not, i mean before i used to be enough for myself but these days i'm isolated from myself. numb, disjointed , just not all here. i can party as much as i want, intoxicate myself until my eyes don't open ever again, i can submerge myself into massive crowds of people just to feel like i'm around SOMEBODY, i can ******* appreciate nature and walk for hours on end, **** it let me find a new hobby
all this **** is repetitive
trying to entertain ourselves just to feel content, it;s kinda like we're reliant on life. **** it man at times i don't give a ****, **** life i don't wanna live it
. i'm not talking about suicide here because i don't believe in that ****, i don't believe death is an escape no matter how much it calls your name , anyways, i'm talking about life ******* itself
i don't care much for these activities
that we created just so we don't go ******* crazy
but then again i want to be a slave to this so called life
go be a model
go make some clothes
maybe fight a couple cases in court
appreciate friends
love my family

how do you survive when two extremes exist within you
do you shoot someone one day then become a priest
do you stop talking then launch into a ******* lecture
when you want to stop but you want to run
what do you do?
i could do both
but then time would come and **** me over
**** it i'll keep all this in a special place within my mind
and use it drive what I've selected to waste my time doing in this world
i'll bend everything to my ******* will
just watch

i wonder what it feels like to have an empty head]
to just sit there like a mindless and pretty doll
oblivious to the human feeling of buzzing thoughts

My skin is on fire
Burning with sin

Let’s burn together

long lost lover and soulmate
we never got close enough to touch
but you marked me forever
-
i still think of you
it fills me with guilt
and just when i think of reaching out
to taste you once more
i feel apprehensive
-
i sigh with longing
-
i wish we could live how we always said we would
but all i can do
is wait for someone purer

going straight on airplane mode to just stare at myself in the mirror because I look really quite cute tonight.

I feel like i have something interesting to give tonight, just no one to give it to

it's too late it's just too late

where are you now?.....what are you doing?

We're forced to fit in

I need to talk to somebody about you
you spread through my entire being
until i am nothing but smoke

Time is so cruel

I listened to strange music at the back of my history class when I was 12 and now I'm brain damaged

i've lost my touch

God, I am calling out to you
though I am not begging on my knees
I wish I was

Instead I look up at your moon and ponder my existence
Nothing comes of it
My soul just grows more restless
But you know that already

-

God, I am calling out to you today
To free me from the shackles of myself
To let me breathe your sweet air everyday and cherish it

Please cleanse my heart and give my soul nourishment
Allow my eyes to see the beauty of your earth
and to feel the hum of life vibrate through me once again

I have grown restless, ungrateful and wretched
Let me fall into your beauty
Let me see the beauty that I am blind to

-

I want to see again
I want to feel again
I want to feel the sun on my skin
and only focus on the feeling of now

-
I want your forgiveness
I want your acceptance
and I want your guidance

-

I may be lost in this maze
but I know my destination, I have never forgotten nor can I forget
All I can do is ask that you make my path clear for me

i love it when i can't breathe
-
those moments spent trying to breathe are electrifying
they make me feel alive when i forget that i already am

so smile...what else can we do?

The lights look so warm in the distance...
I’m trying to grab them but can’t you see they don’t want to be held?

Wherever you are, our stories will always be with you...even if I am not

i promise

do you remember that time you became me for attention?
can you teach me how to be myself again,
it's alright if you can't
i guess i'll just have to reprogram myself,
but the only issue is
so will you

So what's it gonna be?
are you in or out?
because if you're not in,
i'm walking out the door and taking myself with me

trying to stay optimistic is hard
why can't i just let my anxiety eat me alive?
-
but i fight it
because i can't let myself take the easy way out
God it's so hard
-


I'm so excited though
for change
not just any change...the change i've been thirsting after for years
but i let self doubt ruin it
-
i get confused
am i confident or not?
-
regardless of my confidence I suppose the show has to go on
i'm sure i'll find myself again soon

i write on here for ME
because day by day my memory feels like it's fading
fading so fast

i won't understand a single word written
but i'll always know that i felt something at some point

12:36 am
everyone is asleep

i'm still so lost - who am i?
what do i want?

i know i'm supposed to be tough
a little girl all grown up now
but i feel so small
so scared and so unsure

push me to my limit
I just don't care
i never cared
not once
destroy me
push me to my limit
till i can't breathe

hold me close against your chest
feel my heart race
my short breath
we're on fire
thing's don't seem real anymore
blurred lines
you cross every line
feel the danger
explore the space in between black and white

don't dry my tears
don't muffle my cries
make me scream
feel the fear
voices in my head
are they real?

shout at me
hit me
be sweet to me
am i really your baby\?

take it to the next level
i want extreme
this isn't real
it can't be

i'm trying to get to you
i'm so scared
help me find my way
those veins
i won't trace them to find my way

i'm hot
and you're laughing
your name won't leave my lips
your eyes, they're blown out

is that blood?

i miss you...

why is it so hard to just enjoy the moment?
to just be grateful for the life we have right now
in the midst of one success we yearn for more instead of appreciating that moment in time
it's so sad
so much time is wasted instead of being cherished

but would we be any happier if we spent more time appreciating the now?
i don't know
all i know is that it's my worst habit
my successes are short lived and unappreciated because i yearn for more

i wish i could take things slow
but it's hard when it feels like the world is always travelling faster than the speed of light

but then i think to myself why am i racing against time? or racing against this world that I know will never slow down
where does it get me?

something always feels missing from life no matter how full it may seem
i'm tired
so maybe i should slow down

<3

I knew you would leave
Everyone always leaves

You hated that you didn’t have all of me
But could you blame me?
You wanted all of me because of your impatience, because of your own curiosity

You demand and I’m supposed to supply?

You never loved me
If you loved me then even having a part of me would mean something

I
I love you
In some way
And to even have a scrap of you meant everything to me

I never put you on a pedestal
But that’s love to me

You never loved me
You never loved me
You never loved me

You never love me
You never love me the way I deserve to be loved

in all of this did I lose myself? Or did I gain you?

Whatever it was, it was fleeting
Like it always has been
Like we always are

Thanks for all the good times I guess
But it’s time you learnt your place

You will cease to exist to me
You never gave me what I deserved
But i promise I will give you just that
And I mean that
I feel it
Truly
With no more regret or sadness

I’ll miss you for whatever stupid reason
But I know that if I lost myself again, I’d miss me a whole lot more

Goodbye, A

nearly 3am
i'm inside
but i was just outside
for so long
i'm excited
shaking
jumping internally
apprehensive
immersed in clarity
breathing so loud
its sounds like a silent scream
my eyes are wide
open
searching
i see my own eyes
stare into them baby
they're shutting
act fast

Falling....
it always felt so good to let go
-
it always felt so good to slip
and fall
-
it always felt so good to laugh
and pick myself back up
like it never hurt




if you don't hear from me, tell them i was falling

you say I'm cold
but i know you like it
when I'm tight

I just feel really sorry

nothing is the same
nothing was ever the same again
God
everything has changed
everything just changed

everything in my life has claw marks on it

silence is so comforting to me right now
but it frustrates me in equal measure

it hurts like a ***** it really does
but i persevere and bring the light back into my eyes
to shine bright for myself so i never lose my way

i guess i just don't have much to say anymore
because silence is just so peaceful

Close your eyes princess, you don't want to see this