looking at the shattered tea cup on the floor feels so familiar
do you think if I reached out to touch it, that I would feel a gentle caress on my own skin?
-
if I swept it up
and heard it drag across across the floor
would I make a sound? what if I moaned ever so lightly?
how would that make you feel?
-
and if I left the shattered pieces to just lay there
would you pick them up?
I imagine you standing over them
towering, with your 6ft frame
-
I know you would see the beauty in the mess
you might smile
you might bend down for a closer look
maybe you would even touch me
of course you would
-
maybe I would ask you to
maybe I would beg for you to pick up a piece
maybe I would scream for you to clench your first around it and feel the stabbing pain that comes with blood flow

-
in the hallway of our minds place lays a shattered tea cup
and in the palm of our hands lays a piece of it
and in the gaze of our eye is one another
and the only name on your lips is mine

I want fantasy

she is the life we all deserve

Always, it'll always be you
Always, for now

Falling....
it always felt so good to let go
-
it always felt so good to slip
and fall
-
it always felt so good to laugh
and pick myself back up
like it never hurt




if you don't hear from me, tell them i was falling

i'll play by the rules if you want me to
but that means i get to keep that chip on my shoulder
-
don't look into my eyes
you won't find what you're looking for
i buried that deep inside of me
-
do my hands shake?
my poker face gives nothing away
but my body always betrays me
-
open your heart for me
i'm your queen and i'll play you so well
-
want me to open my legs for you? just let me win
-
victory never tasted so sweet

The lights look so warm in the distance...
I’m trying to grab them but can’t you see they don’t want to be held?

it's called emotional cleansing, look it up

opening this **** laptop up is like opening pandoras box

My compassion for you is inconvenient

It's the honest truth

It's so cold out here

pure raw and unfiltered emotion

pure energy coursing through my veins
i'm alive

i'm breathing fast and it feels so good

long lost lover and soulmate
we never got close enough to touch
but you marked me forever
-
i still think of you
it fills me with guilt
and just when i think of reaching out
to taste you once more
i feel apprehensive
-
i sigh with longing
-
i wish we could live how we always said we would
but all i can do
is wait for someone purer

I look good in the red light

To Autumn by John Keats

is anyone else scared that the kind of love they want does not exist and is unattainable? i think about it all the time

I always wanted to know everyone's stories
I wanted to know if their stars were the same as mine

-
If you have a story, will you share it with me please?

i've never quite met a mind like mine or yours but i've met many of hers

This feels like home

you held me there,
watched me,
but you didn't do anything

You know things are bad when Dostoyevsky says something and you can relate

is it so wrong for me to want something good and pure?

All my life I’ve been entangled in destruction
Seeking it, causing it, craving it, deserving it
The list could go on forever

But is it so wrong to want something good?
To want something intimate and whole?
To want trust

sometimes it feels like I’m asking for too much
But what I want has to be out there somewhere
I’m not insane
This is far from irrational right?
I am deserving right?

Or can a wretched creature like me be trusted with something pure and good? Am I too tainted for what I want?

I feel tainted
I feel destined for destruction
But a part of me still hopes I can be saved

Truthfully I feel like putting a bullet through my expired mind
Like cutting a maxed out credit card in half
Or throwing out a chipped glass, because how could you keep one? It’s going to hurt you, make you bleed and just be useless

-
I don’t even bleed deliciously anymore
Even the pain isn’t enough
It just isn’t enough for me anymore
-

If I felt empty before then my present state is not even describable

-

Why live if you can no longer tap into your soul?
Why suffer through the days in the empty vessel of our bodies if your substance is no where to be found?
-

Maybe I’m just incapable of it now
Definitely
Maybe

by your side at 1am
i was reluctant but i still did it

2am now i'm feeling comfortable

3am the cold air hits me and i'm excited
i move closer to you and you crush me
your bodyweight hurts in all the right ways

4am i've got you right where i want you
and ******* definitely have me

5am you refuse to admit it
you refuse to say the words aloud

5.15 we're in comfortable silence

5.17
you say it's getting late

5.19 everything went back to normal....like nothing ever happened

I keep trying to remember being a child
I feel like I need to look for something in those memories

one day we'll see the stars

Why don't you love me anymore

watching her fall down the metal stairs
step by step
from across the street
was odd

her blood stained hair looked kind of purple under the flickering street light
hm
i think she'd look better with blonde hair
it'd really bring out her eyes

The weight of my desire, heavy, like obsidian

There's a fire within me,
and I don't need someone to put it out
I need someone that will burn with me

These tears fall like little candy drops
iridescent and soft
so tempting
you can't help but taste one

---
now you're addicted
you always need 'just one more hit'
and i'm the streets best dealer
---

i think it's time for change

the kind of writing that really effects me and makes me feel is writing how i am in this post. talking like you are speaking and just saying anything casually not thought for. it's almost as if i'm truly speaking to you through this website

I've always gotten lost in my head, thinking about all the ways I could cut my flesh open and destroy myself, to finally end myself
-
some time elapsed and I finally realised that it is not death that I long for but just pain
-
I want to take myself apart piece by piece
to feel at peace and feel that sweet release

when you can have everything, why want more?

I can't take this anymore
I don't know where to go or what to do
I've driven myself insane
I can't exist within my own mind
I can't make sense of anything
i feel like i'm
f  
    a  
        l
        l
    i
        n
g

Deeper and Deeper
Down into the rabbit hole
into a place where time goes backwards
but the good thing is
after a while
i start to feel a sick sense of relief
and everything's okay again

so i guess i'll keep venturing down into the rabbit hole
just for a little while longer

i have nothing else to say but i don't want to leave

there is so much beauty in our pain

i feel distant from myself
i feel distant from God
i don't feel like a friend
-
this has to be self torture right?
it is my hand that is crushing my windpipe RIGHT?
-
i know everything is by the hand of God
but it feels like i'm hurting myself badly these days
but the pain hurts so good
sometimes it doesn't even feel like pain
that's the problem
the lines are so blurred between the two that i can't see where anything begins or ends anymore
-
how these lines get crossed
how everything blurs into one
how i am slowly making a descent into nothingness
how fast i am fading..
-
it feels like i'm free falling
and the hand of God, invisible and mighty, cushions me and slowly, very slowly is lowering me down
so i'm not falling..

my old friend, Im not sure much has changed
what else did i expect
from myself?
from life?
from others?
i don't know
i-

there's so much i want to say but at the same time i find myself silent
i find myself zoned out
seeing the curser blink every so often

-

why am i always hurting
why does it always feel like i'm on the other side of everyone else
why am i always begging
it feels like everything that i want demands my blood, sweat and tears and even then it's not enough, i still don't get it
i mean **** it, i don't even want or need half of what i want
i just
why does everything feel so difficult for me???

i'll just have to be his little girl instead
i have been for a long time
and secretly i always will be