Momma says "cherish the time you spend with me,
Cherish the time you have left with me"

Listening to Pianos become the teeth.
I'm still 13 and lying on the floor of my childhood bedroom
the rims of my eyes, underlined pink with shed tears
-
I'm not 13 anymore

C O N V E Y

learning that marriage is sometimes like a horror film is hard
You learn it the hard way
Sure there was a an alright environment
But the truth when it was revealed was enough to crack the strain
The injustice that in the moment everything is plausible
But when you look back and realise your mistake, all you can do is apologise
******* go back in time, grab your past self and scream, scream as much as you can because it'll be silent because when you return from the past you'll revert back to old ways. Marriage is hauntingly beautiful and I guess it's just sheer luck

faces....how many do you have?

you ever crave success so much that you lose the will to work sometimes?

i don't want us to ever grow apart

every time i’m happy I think it will last forever








but it never does

Mary Mary quite contrary....

I'm Looking Hopeful

why am I doing this to myself
why am I doing this to my mind
I can't help it
could you?
I should say something
but what's the point
with you?

God why are you always in the forefront of my mind. you're so temporary but you just appear to be everything. I want you, sexually, of course. I'm lax with commitment and just a little apprehensive of it since i get bored easily. i want you to be the one. i only catch glimpses of you but this time that's not my only indulgence or limit, i now have a means of communication with you and it's so frustrating. i'll miss you when your gone, i miss you, i miss you every day ugh to be continued

bout to suppress these emotions

each move that we make, is that deliberate?
each desire that moves us, is that what we wish for?
each question that pushes us, is that what we care for?

****** you but I ****** someone else

Blood
Little scarlet drops of life
cut cut cut
a little deeper
feel the life come and go

I've learnt that the harder you try, the harder things become

did you ever wake up and think, i'm going to paint my lips today, i want to sugarcoat them x

talk to me

The book was left half open
The dream was only dreamt for half a night
The conversation was left unfinished
The thread unravelled
But....the thought of "what if" continued
Don't forget, don't make 'halfway' a habit
For halfway never gave way to anything of worth

and i will never be

I start to internally scream at night?

Is it still power if the other person is just weak?

God why does this hurt so much

I need to talk to somebody about you
you spread through my entire being
until i am nothing but smoke

-

Happy birthday to me.....

Fake love

Used to look up to the sky
not anymore
i'm one step closer \

closer
closer
closer
closer
closer
closer
closer
closer
he said
come closer

A feeling of elation
When you think back to old memories
We all love who we used to be
It makes me smile
And the people that I used to be around
It makes me sad to live in the past
But it makes me even sadder to live in the present
And just half sad when I think about the future
Because the future is always better
But it's sad sometimes
When you know that one day
The future will just be another sad present

Tonight

the day i stop having to explain myself may just be the day where i finally breathe in contentment
restriction restriction restriction
i feel trapped
only free to move within boundaries
no explanations
no responsibilities
i just want to create
and do
and make
go out there
independence
i'm working with what i got but i don't need
3 years well nearly 2 to wait....or so help me

music seems to push ideas to the front of my mind yet i hate that
music irritates me to no end
the fact it can change my mood and get me to act in a different way
yet i can't see myself going a day without it
i guess it just keeps my mind and thoughts alive and running in some specific way

We must both like the chase,
A lot

In the ancient, lives tragedy

Everyday I ask myself
What can I want
When I have everything

Lonely for you only

please tell me how i've managed to forge a connection like this with you
i'm just screaming on the inside
funny how i don't even know whether im talking about a person or a little habit i can't kick
whatever you are
you make me feel empty, intoxicated, and completely willing to give myself over
a little tilt of the head, maybe i'll throw in some empty eye action
and just hold myself, my arms draped across the most sensitive parts of my body
at most, caressing my neck

i hate emotions
i spit on them
it disgusts me
especially when i cry about it like a little *****
these days i'm so shaken from the core
my foundations  have been rattled
by who, by me
these feelings have left me conscious of my breathing
i can't manifest what i want to write into words
it's all ******* coming out wrong
-----------
do you ever feel a certain way, so much so that to convey it seems impossible
like you've reached an impasse

I'm perfect and content in my world
But I crave the taste of another's
I'm comfortable with my own conflicts and pain
But nothing's as fun as inflicting conflicts on another person
And making them uncomfortable

Wait
What am I saying
I thought I was changing for the better
How could I be so casual about this
I forgot
I have to be normal for just a little while
So I guess I'll stop walking
And exit this forest
But I'll be back
One day
And I'll
Miss you little fox

i've lost my touch

Keep me warm on a cold night

Love *****
I mean I don't even know if this is love
This my problem
I've never been in love
Maybe I have
I don't know
People describe it to me
They say 'trust me you'll know'
But I don't think I will or can ever know
I don't think I'm built to differentiate between real feelings and fake feelings
I don't know what I'm feeling towards you
But I get this sad feeling when we aren't talking
When we aren't with eachother
I guess that's love
Or some twisted version of it
I guess I'll just have to settle for it
And I wish
I just wish
That I could say all of this to you
And more
And I know that life's too short to hold back
But some part of me
The cautious part of me
Tells me to think twice about what I'm doing
If I open up to you, what's the worst that could happen?
But I can never read you
I never know WHAT to think
I never know what you think
I don't want to feel like this
Weak, vulnerable and needy
I don't want to feel like control is not within my reach
Be mine
Forever
But *******
******* for making me feel like this
For hating every moment since you've been in my life
******* for making me feel this way
I'm weak
Pathetic
I thought I was stronger
UGH
I've never been the girl that sat around missing a mans presence
But I guess fate has its own way of getting revenge
Maybe I just feel too much
Or just feel too deep
Or think too much
But I'm so detached at the same time
So distant
So complacent
Maybe that's why I'm so confused
Maybe that's why I'm just not so sure anymore
About anything
About me
About you
And about us
If that even exists

I want to see inside of you
Every last detail
I see something in you
Funny
Because at first I didn't expect it
I thought you were pretty average
It turns out
You're pretty cool
And the best part is
I don't even think you know it
I don't think you can see what I see
But what if it's just me
What if it's my warped vision
Trying to convince us both of a lie
And hating you for telling the truth

First time I saw you
I just knew
I just knew...

I needed you to love me

The spaces between the glass are not equal

the words scrawled in capitals on the yellow piece of paper bit me

Close your eyes princess, you don't want to see this

i could fall for you

when i stare at myself in the mirror
i get lost in my eyes

i'm just
such
a
pretty
girl