the feeling of your collar brushing against my cheek
The texture of your white shirt
It feels so good on my skin
I can feel your body underneath it
So hard and protective

The sound of your heartbeat in my ear
The feeling of your hand in mine
Your voice in my ear
The warmth between us when you take me in your arms

The softness of your lips when I tried to steal a kiss
The tear stain on your shoulders when you said not now

That thick blue denim underneath my legs when you put me on your lap

That unsureness between two familiar strangers
That deep voice when you tell me I’m pretty

The way I melt into your touch when you run your fingers through my long black hair

Us.

My memories are all I have and I can feel them fading
Unravelling
Slowly dissipating .. the silt of my emotions slipping into realms unknown

schoolbooks always thrown on the floor while i explore another world for a few hours

When I’m happy I feel like it’ll last forever
But it never does

Is anybody out there?
Can you hear me?
I could use some company right now
Small talk or life stories
Anything

Maybe we don’t have to talk about those things

I just need to get lost in something...someone

It’s the soul that you bring to the table :

She is very much alive
and the only thing that occupies her mind is how much she doesn't want to be

- - -
she knows that this thought is wrong
but all she cares about is her beautiful energy
it's lost
somewhere in the ether

- -
she is starting to accept her fate
but living is strange to her

-
she is alive

why why why why why why why why why

if we traced the white lines on this cracked mirror
i'm sure we'd both find the x

Expert poets huh? If poetry was perfect it wouldn’t exist
You can’t follow a method
Just follow your heart, that one thought that is always on your mind, the drag of your pen against a surface, the long sigh after a hard day, the feeling of skin against yours, the feeling of a feverish Sunday afternoon nap, just follow the feeling of running away with a day dream

And you’ll be just fine

Man it’s tough being this **** and depressed

you once told me that I make you feel the most alive
but that i have an amazing ability to make you feel really alone
-

I understand now

there is an energy to her walk
there is life in her every step
and when she turns to leave
she leaves an aura of death trailing after her

she is intoxicating
because she is focused

as she walks all she can think about is her beauty
she does not need to worry about her surroundings
she knows everybody is taken in by her

---
the world disappears when she walks
she is once again surrounded by beauty
intoxicated by her own beauty
and the life that radiates off of her

--
she is sure of herself
confident
magnetic
charismatic
and
electric
-
she's not alive though

growing up i was fascinated by the feeling of your head breaking through the water's surface
now i'm addicted to the feeling of drowning

no that's too violent, too extreme - it's not like that at all

more like falling
or floating

just letting myself fall, deeper and deeper
the sound of the world getting more and more faint
the more i fall
but it's okay because everything is so calm, so peaceful and so still

in liquid, the world freezes for me
i become fluid, the only thing that moves
the only constant thing

something that i can focus on
the feeling of falling
while the world stops around me

it's too late to try and swim back up to the surface
even if i wanted to
i can't even panic
because nothing matters at that point
the damage is done
i may be moving but my body, my mind is still

i love the darkness within us
why won't you unleash it a little more?

C H E R R Y

12:36 am
everyone is asleep

i'm still so lost - who am i?
what do i want?

i know i'm supposed to be tough
a little girl all grown up now
but i feel so small
so scared and so unsure

i really do just exist in my mind these days

you make me sick


so why do i still miss you?

Cherry kisses
Flushed cheeks
Cherry pop

In my dreams
You weren’t real
You were perfect
You weren’t human

It felt so real
But you weren’t

Hits backspace on every thought and emotion

ALL I DO IS CREATE SHORT TERM REACTIONS, nothing that comes from me is meant to last. When you collided with me, my body didn’t recognise what kind of element you were so I just reacted like usual but **** fizzles out the longer you’re near me. Save yourself, just because I’m reactive don’t let me drain the power out of you. Even after all this time I still can’t work out what you are, prove to me that the true reaction between us isn’t destructive enough to wipe out a city...CAN YOU DO THAT?

I was a fool to think things could be different and just to make **** equal between us...only fools fall for me.

all this writing on the wall      does nothing for me/
i thought it would make me feel whole again
but i was wrong

every time i'm happy i think it will last forever]
but it never does

W H A T    W E N T   W R O N G   W I T H   M E
       MAYBEIAMAPERFECTMISTAKE
ORMAYBEIAMJUSTNOTHING

searching for answers i guess

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate my self

I wanna fall in love

stolen glances, natural charisma, that connection with someone, we're so into each other, heart beating fast
the promise of something new after meeting a stranger
the promise of something so beautiful

run away with my dreams
you're in my mind

Now I’m laying here, ******* on the floor
I tried to fill the void  

Fingers sticky with my sin
I feel empty

I guess this wasn’t the answer after all

I feel stuck

Can we trace the lines on this broken mirror and find our way home?

i ****** up again
i keep doing this over and over and over and over and over and over and over again

I wish it would feel good to scream

it all felt so real

I wish i was home
In your arms

Against your skin
With the wind
Dancing across my spine

And your fingers
Intertwined in mine

Forever be mine
I love you

————

We don’t quite know eachother yet
And I have spent my life waiting
Waiting for a moment so beautiful
That I can hardly bear to take a breath

Choke me
You’re choking me
The very thought of your existence
Is what I live for

And I’ll carry on this way
Until i find you
Just so I can feel something

was it real?

Everything that is wrong is just so comforting for me
or maybe it's because that's all i have in my life

i'm so alone - nowhere to go
    no one to go to

no one who understands

just one person, but we don't talk anymore

i'm tired of repeating myself anyways
i can't make sense of my thoughts and emotions these days
   an indescribable feeling, but not the kind you wish for

i'm alone
so alone
i need a friend

it's too late it's just too late

:

Looking out of the window
Static
Nothing moves

Lines so perfect they blur into a feverish dream
I’m waiting
I’ve been waiting so long
For something to happen
For change
Just to feel something

Trapped in these four walls
Trapped in these people
Helpless yet so strong

Untapped potential wasting away
Or is it burning slowly
Getting more powerful minute by minute

How did I end up here again

i want to feel again
i want time to slow down
i want time to carry me in it's arms, back in time, back to you

Intimacy, i lack
Intimacy, i crave

all i have left of it is a whisper, a single thought that I chase everyday
every last bit of it has been discarded

we don't exist anymore and it hurts
does it hurt you too?

life feels so empty ... nothing feels real
do i even exist? i don't know what to do with myself ...truly i don't

why is everything moving so fast
i just want time to exist and nothing else

i write on here for ME
because day by day my memory feels like it's fading
fading so fast

i won't understand a single word written
but i'll always know that i felt something at some point

looking . i'm always looking for something
always tracing those lines on a chipped mirror, looking for the x that marks the spot

just to feel something
just to feel something
just to feel something

i feel something

do you feel something?
because that feeling left for me as fast as it came
i just can't quite hold on to it

If I told you all of my secrets, there would be nothing left of me

waiting for someone to turn the key

Your stomach aches under the weight of your desire and pressure of your sin

and so my fluttering stream of consciousness leaves me open and bare to judgment and stares

as if my actions didn’t already beat it to the chase

i hate growing up but i love it too
nothing else feels right
being young is all i know and all i'm comfortable with

it's slowly slipping away from me
i don't know how am i'm going to continue living
should i continue living?

i was surfing reddit and i saw this post on suicide watch - it felt good to know i wasn't the only one who didn't want to exist past 30 . i wonder if they're still alive? the post was 8 years ago

i wonder whether i will be alive - i mean does anyone want to live as a real adult or even be old
i hate it
life looks bleak, predictable, full of effort, monotone, repetitive

don't give me that you choose your life *******

what's wrong with me

how do I always end up here? back at the same place
my life seems to keep coming full circle
I suppose I only have myself to blame

if i lost myself
what did i gain in return?

there's two sides to everything
but your hand always cups my cheek, softly
and your finger catches my tears
how can i see?

i realise now
that when my vision is blurred
it's not because i'm sad

you blinded me
deceit is just a word, but you really existed
trickery is just an act, but we really existed
danger is very real, damage is always done