to be by your side
is such a lovely place to cry

Loneliness, that vast silhouette of love, rose up around us like a hedge maze

but i do
i feel
i feel everything

it's so strong
when it washes over me
it consumes me

the most intense poetry you will ever write comes from the words that never get published and instead get erased by your blinking cursor
yeah that's right...beauty gone in the blink of a cursor

It's what you really want to say
it just never made the cut

maybe this is why we're all numb
because our real feelings never make the cut

we chop and erase and blend things to fit our sick agendas
but then again I guess this is me just stating the obvious

like word ***** it all comes bursting out of me

i hit these keys so aggressively
like my hands are running
running
running from something
but i don't know what

Desire will set you on fire
And we’ll all perish
Whilst you burn brighter than ever

I used to love talking to you at night when you were in your study
even though we were miles away and I wasn't there it felt like our special place
because you spent all night there talking to me
bridging the gap whilst you were away
and you would tell me so many stories
and find old things in the drawer of your desk
-
and on the other side of the world I was in my childhood bedroom
whispering so my parents couldn't hear
but let's face it, I was always loud
and somehow never got caught
I guess because it was the summer holiday, they knew I didn't have to think about school just yet

why is it so hard to just enjoy the moment?
to just be grateful for the life we have right now
in the midst of one success we yearn for more instead of appreciating that moment in time
it's so sad
so much time is wasted instead of being cherished

but would we be any happier if we spent more time appreciating the now?
i don't know
all i know is that it's my worst habit
my successes are short lived and unappreciated because i yearn for more

i wish i could take things slow
but it's hard when it feels like the world is always travelling faster than the speed of light

but then i think to myself why am i racing against time? or racing against this world that I know will never slow down
where does it get me?

something always feels missing from life no matter how full it may seem
i'm tired
so maybe i should slow down

I wish she was alive
but I fear that her energy would not be so great

-
sometimes I can feel it waning
and I start to think that she is slowly gaining life

--
I know that it scares her
because she starts to feel more ordinary
life looks grey
and beauty is a rare concept

---
she is alive

did i do all of this for you..or did i bleed for myself?
was it pointless?
did bloodlust really leave me that blinded

feral, driven and desperate?

I should feel ashamed
but it just feels so good to bleed

we tried that old trick
where you seal a crack with gold

you're lying to yourself
it doesn't look pretty

you're lying to yourself
it will never last

so maybe it's time to shatter things into pieces
and go our separate ways




p.s it's funny how you all will still believe that sometimes things have to fall apart to come together again. Think again, those pieces will get swept up and discarded in a lonesome and destructive landfill site. Get real before life forces you to...

silence is so comforting to me right now
but it frustrates me in equal measure

I'm coming back but for something different this time
I'm still me....but I want more

What do I want?

I'll let time tell you that

It's always 3am
just waiting for something to happen
just waiting to feel something
It's always 3am

not 4am or 5am
it's always 3am

living is useless
-
what's the use of being good
when we don't exist anymore

did I lose myself or did I gain you?

I die each time I **** you

and now i'm grey
so so grey
i barely exist
sometimes you can't even see me
i float around
like a whisper

I exist in my mind
and sometimes in yours when it's late
when the silence gets too much

Sometimes I wonder if this is my becoming or my undoing?

-
maybe the lines have just blurred
maybe they’ve always been blurred

these memories mean nothing, I don't need them anymore
i just sit there and romanticise things that aren't even real

the past isn't real
it was pure imagination

i'll keep telling myself that

i feel so ****** up every time we talk
I don't know if it's a good or bad kind of ****** up

she's all ripped fishnets and random thoughts
fake vampire fangs with a thirst for fun
cherry lips that just pop
flushed cheeks that turn you on
with thoughts as cold as ice

she loves wild fantasies and getting lost in love
she fears growing up
she has no regrets but can't let go of the past

she's on the mind of everyone she meets
they just can't let her go

she's darkness in every way but oh so cute
cold hands hidden in sweater paws
and little cat ears on her head
with a love of violence

Did I lose myself or did I gain you?

forget about me

Why has nostalgia got such a chokehold on me?????

i promise

Just for one day
please
i just don't want to think

please
i need it to stop
i need to breathe

i need time on my own
to recover and become whole again

give me time
give me space to breathe

Don’t give in
Please

Don’t do this
You can’t do this
Don’t do this to me

You can’t do this to yourself
Be stronger
I believe in you

Everything you feel you need to succumb to, you are not powerless against

I’ll hold your hand
never letting go
I’m here
I’m here
I’m here

You set my soul on fire

push me to my limit
I just don't care
i never cared
not once
destroy me
push me to my limit
till i can't breathe

hold me close against your chest
feel my heart race
my short breath
we're on fire
thing's don't seem real anymore
blurred lines
you cross every line
feel the danger
explore the space in between black and white

don't dry my tears
don't muffle my cries
make me scream
feel the fear
voices in my head
are they real?

shout at me
hit me
be sweet to me
am i really your baby\?

take it to the next level
i want extreme
this isn't real
it can't be

i'm trying to get to you
i'm so scared
help me find my way
those veins
i won't trace them to find my way

i'm hot
and you're laughing
your name won't leave my lips
your eyes, they're blown out

is that blood?

Is anybody out there?
Can you hear me?
I could use some company right now
Small talk or life stories
Anything

Maybe we don’t have to talk about those things

I just need to get lost in something...someone

What did my crazy, innocent heart ever do to end up in such an imperfect vessel?

i've decided i want the new me
i don't have to forget about the old me just to create a new person
i can just make the old me even better
it'll take some work
but i know it will be so worth it

I just wanted to be pretty for you...
was that not enough?

hit's backspace on every true emotion

I hate who I am
I hate who I have become

I wasn’t always like this
Or I guess I was never as bad as this

Maybe that is why my past haunts me
I lost something I once had
Something that came so naturally

I lost myself in many ways

But at the same time I’ve changed in so many ways for the better
Well better to some
Sometimes I feel like even the changes that are “positive” are not truly positive for me and who I am

I needed things to stay the same so i could be the same
I know change is good
But I feel like somewhere along the way I messed up and now I can’t even stand being around myself

Looking to the past is like undoing everything that has lead me up to the present day me
It’s like I can forget all the days leading up to my demise

It doesn’t even hurt to break now
I’ve lost all feeling in the places where I’ve shattered and been put back together

and now even if I break more
And shatter into tiny, minuscule, incomprehensible pieces
It just wouldn’t matter at this point
And that’s why it doesn’t hurt

Maybe it’s not a bad thing
To be spared from more pain
But it would be nice to feel something sometimes
Even if it is searing hot pain

To know that I’m alive
To know that I feel

but i can't live without you

I wanted to write tonight
to maybe say something beautiful
or something soulful
maybe even passionate

I wanted to captivate somebody with my story
with my words
the way that I could say something

I wanted to give meaning to my ongoing thoughts
maybe some beauty too
but my heart feels really empty
I feel empty overall
I guess my soul doesn't feel all that alive

I am alive and that's it
it doesn't count for much

maybe I thought that writing could be the spark to light my fire again
I wanted it to be the surface that I would strike my one and only matchstick against
but I keep striking it
and striking it
and it's just started to look damaged

I don't want to be grey
in fact i don't have to be grey
i can be LOUD
and leave a burst of colour behind me wherever I go

this feels like me
this feels like me

when my body is suffering from severe deficiency
when my lips and skin are pale
when my bones hurt
when i can feel them..

this feels like me

when i feel empty..drained
like a walking corpse
and its hard to breathe

i know it's me

who am I?
I've lost myself
I always thought that i knew myself
it was a medal that i wore proudly


but i guess that was just youthful confidence
it was false and i never knew it
i was false

ive grown up now
maybe i lost myself on the way here

who the hell am i?
i miss myself
i don't even know who that person was
but i miss them so much

come back
please

i miss you...

I want to feel
I’ll do anything
Just to feel something

The stakes are high
But that turns me on
I have so much to lose
And nothing to gain

It’s all in the eyes
Can’t you tell I’m bluffing?

I’m dreaming of being a fairy
Ethereal and other worldly
With not a care in the world

What would I do you ask?

I’d run through forests, mystical and teeming with energy
I’d bathe in a little lake under the beaming sun
Then find myself in a meadow where I could lay in the grass ****
Borrowing energy from Mother Earth
Everyday

******* ****
you charm everyone
why do you do it?
what do you want?

Looking for somebody that's batshit crazy
like f*cking insane

hmu if this is you <3

I wish I could watch every moment of my life so far like a movie

I mean, I don't know what good that would do but I don't have a purpose for this
I just want to see things that I could not remember

I want more depth
I want to see things
and chew on them
I want answers
I just want to see



I guess I do have a purpose for this