the most intense poetry you will ever write comes from the words that never get published and instead get erased by your blinking cursor
yeah that's right...beauty gone in the blink of a cursor

It's what you really want to say
it just never made the cut

maybe this is why we're all numb
because our real feelings never make the cut

we chop and erase and blend things to fit our sick agendas
but then again I guess this is me just stating the obvious

I’m
Hurting inside

if not now, then when?

I'm coming back but for something different this time
I'm still me....but I want more

What do I want?

I'll let time tell you that

always disappointed to see my sluttier posts get attention and drive anything meaningful that I show the world into obscurity

she emerges from the flames
she's ready

her gaze is set
and it doesn't stray

help me
help me to find my colours again
i need help

i have nothing else to say but i don't want to leave

God, I am calling out to you
though I am not begging on my knees
I wish I was

Instead I look up at your moon and ponder my existence
Nothing comes of it
My soul just grows more restless
But you know that already

-

God, I am calling out to you today
To free me from the shackles of myself
To let me breathe your sweet air everyday and cherish it

Please cleanse my heart and give my soul nourishment
Allow my eyes to see the beauty of your earth
and to feel the hum of life vibrate through me once again

I have grown restless, ungrateful and wretched
Let me fall into your beauty
Let me see the beauty that I am blind to

-

I want to see again
I want to feel again
I want to feel the sun on my skin
and only focus on the feeling of now

-
I want your forgiveness
I want your acceptance
and I want your guidance

-

I may be lost in this maze
but I know my destination, I have never forgotten nor can I forget
All I can do is ask that you make my path clear for me

how did i just walk away?
I always looked back though, every time

I miss you
I miss us

I'm numb right now
and all i want to do is run to you
because I know you'll be there for me in every perfect way

you're always there
It's just me that never existed

I always leave without a warning
and come back when you find peace
just to rock your world one last time

i wonder just how much our distance broke us
grey thoughts to red actions to nothing
a flame that barely licks at me now
a single flame
i don't always feel it
sometimes it burns
sometimes i notice it

but never mind

but i can't live without you

to be by your side
is such a lovely place to cry

the hardest thing about growing up is not knowing what you mean when you say you're tired

those eyes haunt me
one day i might slip into the cracks of your old weathered skin
and never stumble out again

i'm safe for now
but i can't shake this attraction

is it attraction? or is it self destruction?

forget about me

Maybe I could turn my radio on and listen to the static, it means you’re there somewhere right? If I push that button to talk, you’ll hear me right? If I hold my radio tight will I one day hear your whisper through the interference? Are you there? Do you copy? Do you copy?

i promise

The feeling of my hand around my neck is so familiar to me
Like a mother’s touch

-
My nails scratch the surface of my tight skin
And they move back and forth, pacing gently
They wait so patiently

Like a moth to flame
My desires cling to me like I am the only sinner left in the world
I never sold my soul
I never wanted to
I just dipped my fingers into that pool of darkness
And one day the stains started to appear

-
My soul is stained
My heart is tainted
My mind is a beautiful place but there are shadows lurking in the hallways of my minds palace
And I cannot dispute the fact that they scare me
They scare you too

-
I am taken over
Now they live in my person suit

-

Somewhere along the way I got really lost

-
So you don’t know me
I’m just a cover for what truly lies within
In the dark of the night
And in the silence of the day
You’ll see what’s inside of me
-
There’s really not much left of me
but I assure you, whatever scraps lay scattered inside of me, they are human

silence is so comforting to me right now
but it frustrates me in equal measure

You set my soul on fire

i miss you...

I die each time I **** you

i feel distant from myself
i feel distant from God
i don't feel like a friend
-
this has to be self torture right?
it is my hand that is crushing my windpipe RIGHT?
-
i know everything is by the hand of God
but it feels like i'm hurting myself badly these days
but the pain hurts so good
sometimes it doesn't even feel like pain
that's the problem
the lines are so blurred between the two that i can't see where anything begins or ends anymore
-
how these lines get crossed
how everything blurs into one
how i am slowly making a descent into nothingness
how fast i am fading..
-
it feels like i'm free falling
and the hand of God, invisible and mighty, cushions me and slowly, very slowly is lowering me down
so i'm not falling..

why is it so hard to just enjoy the moment?
to just be grateful for the life we have right now
in the midst of one success we yearn for more instead of appreciating that moment in time
it's so sad
so much time is wasted instead of being cherished

but would we be any happier if we spent more time appreciating the now?
i don't know
all i know is that it's my worst habit
my successes are short lived and unappreciated because i yearn for more

i wish i could take things slow
but it's hard when it feels like the world is always travelling faster than the speed of light

but then i think to myself why am i racing against time? or racing against this world that I know will never slow down
where does it get me?

something always feels missing from life no matter how full it may seem
i'm tired
so maybe i should slow down

I wish she was alive
but I fear that her energy would not be so great

-
sometimes I can feel it waning
and I start to think that she is slowly gaining life

--
I know that it scares her
because she starts to feel more ordinary
life looks grey
and beauty is a rare concept

---
she is alive

It hurts to breathe
but it's so delicious
this toxic feeling is indescribable
but i want to keep chasing it
it feels so good


but i don't want to remember that day

by your side at 1am
i was reluctant but i still did it

2am now i'm feeling comfortable

3am the cold air hits me and i'm excited
i move closer to you and you crush me
your bodyweight hurts in all the right ways

4am i've got you right where i want you
and ******* definitely have me

5am you refuse to admit it
you refuse to say the words aloud

5.15 we're in comfortable silence

5.17
you say it's getting late

5.19 everything went back to normal....like nothing ever happened

**** this ****  man
there's no emotion in words that are written down
it's monotone
black and white
with no grey areas

my old friend, Im not sure much has changed
what else did i expect
from myself?
from life?
from others?
i don't know
i-

there's so much i want to say but at the same time i find myself silent
i find myself zoned out
seeing the curser blink every so often

-

why am i always hurting
why does it always feel like i'm on the other side of everyone else
why am i always begging
it feels like everything that i want demands my blood, sweat and tears and even then it's not enough, i still don't get it
i mean **** it, i don't even want or need half of what i want
i just
why does everything feel so difficult for me???

and now i can't breathe because she's all i can see
WHY GOD?....WHY ME??
I know all she wanted to do was sit by the sea.
I admit it, I failed, but even you could see,
how could i have taken her to sea,
when she was afraid of water?

Would you have punished me if i dragged her there against her will?
I thought i was doing right, but apparently not.
and now i'm stumbling and tripping over these stubborn knots that I tie every night just to keep sane and make myself feel like i have no loose threads hanging over my head for fear of a noose swooping down and taking me
so God if you're listening,
save me
before i choke on this word ***** and my sins that threaten to bury me.....save me

like word ***** it all comes bursting out of me

i hit these keys so aggressively
like my hands are running
running
running from something
but i don't know what

i've decided i want the new me
i don't have to forget about the old me just to create a new person
i can just make the old me even better
it'll take some work
but i know it will be so worth it

if it hurts to breathe, just know you're about to live for the first time

I'm scared
i'm so scared

I'm a scared little girl

I may have grown up but inside I'm still a scared little girl

I MAY BE ON THE CUSP OF ADULTHOOD BUT I AM A SCARED LITTLE GIRL, I'M AFRAID OF MYSELF, OF LIFE, OF DEATH, OF THE WORLD AND EVERYONE AROUND ME, MY THOUGHTS, MY BEING, THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS

im scared
and the little girl inside me always had to hide away
silenced in my haste to grow up
the haste of everyone wanting me to grow up
and live far beyond my years
and now that everything is said and done
and the damage is done
and the damage is done
all she wants to do is be a little girl
and she just wants the world to be a little kinder
maybe a little more softer on her

I want the world to see her for what she is

just a ******* the cusp of adulthood
not a woman\don't treat me like a woman just yet

but they never do
they never did

they wanted her to be in their world
where everyone was so much older than her
they shirked their responsibly towards her

and she learnt too much about the world too early


"it's a dark place out there kid, be careful, don't come around here again"

that's all they had to say
THAT'S ALL YOU HAD TO SAY

but never mind
never mind
never mind
NEVER MIND
NEVER MIND]NEVER MIND
NEVER MIND NEVER MIND NEVER MIND

I just wanted to be pretty for you...
was that not enough?

I fell out of love with myself
from a manic infatuation...now i can't even look in the mirror
I am my enemy
I am everything I hate

I used to be my world
but i stumbled into this unknown rocky terrain and I guess it just changed me

I am no longer me

Who am I?

I wish I could love Myself

the joy of life is so brief
like the pain of a whip

he gives me life when he breathes so heavy right into my neck

How fleeting is the sound of the neighbours hammering
And how sustained is our rage at the sound of it

nothing is the same
nothing was ever the same again
God
everything has changed
everything just changed

everything in my life has claw marks on it

Did I lose myself or did I gain you?

i feel so ****** up every time we talk
I don't know if it's a good or bad kind of ****** up

A human does the tango with desire and gives the most disgusting performance of a lifetime

i miss being able to sleep
but my heart hurts when i'm not chasing the night

Truthfully I feel like putting a bullet through my expired mind
Like cutting a maxed out credit card in half
Or throwing out a chipped glass, because how could you keep one? It’s going to hurt you, make you bleed and just be useless

-
I don’t even bleed deliciously anymore
Even the pain isn’t enough
It just isn’t enough for me anymore
-

If I felt empty before then my present state is not even describable

-

Why live if you can no longer tap into your soul?
Why suffer through the days in the empty vessel of our bodies if your substance is no where to be found?
-

Maybe I’m just incapable of it now
Definitely
Maybe

It's always 3am
just waiting for something to happen
just waiting to feel something
It's always 3am

not 4am or 5am
it's always 3am