I let him ruin me

but i'm still learning...

the highs of mania and the lows of depression are harder to ride as time goes on
especially when I can't find any answers
especially when I can't understand myself or the world around me
-
suffocating on my emptiness
I walk around
yet I am nowhere to be found

i've reached rock bottom,
i think i need a little help getting out
but i don't have a single soul that could help me

i should stop wallowing
i mean, what's the point of crying over loneliness when i could piece myself back together
that would mean i don't need a single soul....
right?
i could live in piece(s) with myself and 9 others who go by the same name but could never resemble me.

i can't word this, i can't word anything i'm just at a loss
anger will destroy us all

she lives in shades of pink
cute as a button
but hot on your lips

once again it's silent
i can feel my steady heartbeat
and life is simple

the way you look at me makes me shiver
it's so delicious
i can taste it on my pretty pink tongue

she emerges from the flames
she's ready

her gaze is set
and it doesn't stray

you once told me that I make you feel the most alive
but that i have an amazing ability to make you feel really alone
-

I understand now

where are you now?.....what are you doing?

what did I do
will God forgive me?

These feelings of guilt and disgust
I'm bathing in them
purifying myself inch by inch, in a sick and twisted way

am I a creature of hell?

I couldn't resist
the urge was just too much
it consumed me

i hate myself
was it worth it?

the desire in me screams yes
it always does

but i know it really wasn't

i'm tired of being led by desire

a sinners pathway to destruction

God please save me
have mercy

The feeling of my hand around my neck is so familiar to me
Like a mother’s touch

-
My nails scratch the surface of my tight skin
And they move back and forth, pacing gently
They wait so patiently

i miss being able to sleep
but my heart hurts when i'm not chasing the night

a cry for help is the only cry that is never heard

Say it's me that you adore

the feeling of your collar brushing against my cheek
The texture of your white shirt
It feels so good on my skin
I can feel your body underneath it
So hard and protective

The sound of your heartbeat in my ear
The feeling of your hand in mine
Your voice in my ear
The warmth between us when you take me in your arms

The softness of your lips when I tried to steal a kiss
The tear stain on your shoulders when you said not now

That thick blue denim underneath my legs when you put me on your lap

That unsureness between two familiar strangers
That deep voice when you tell me I’m pretty

The way I melt into your touch when you run your fingers through my long black hair

Us.

rage just consumes me like a poor beggar on the street who hasn't eaten in years

help me
help me to find my colours again
i need help

just a little something to take the edge off

the hardest thing about growing up is not knowing what you mean when you say you're tired

I fell out of love with myself
from a manic infatuation...now i can't even look in the mirror
I am my enemy
I am everything I hate

I used to be my world
but i stumbled into this unknown rocky terrain and I guess it just changed me

I am no longer me

Who am I?

I wish I could love Myself

we would never lay a finger on eachother
but we still wake up with bruises
i mean just the other night
i found the pattern of your ring embossed in my skin
but i'll swear to it, i am whole and have never been hit

there are cuts on my back,
deep scars in my gut,
but i have never been hit

there are stab wounds in my heart
but i swear I have only ever been stabbed in the back

the list goes on but i'm still baffled
why is my body so broken
why does my heart cry
why does my brain deceive me

people have hurt me with their words but i thought my body was stronger than that
i thought i was stronger than that
i thought i was impenetrable
i thought i was wearing armour

did it fall out along the way? was it just aluminium foil instead of titanium steel?

did i do this to myself?
are my questions hurting me?
who is hurting me?
do i deserve this?
should i fight back?

I thought i was fighting...
I'll try to keep going
but just a warning
i might give up
but i'll try for you

I can’t give in
I’ve gotta stay away
You’re a liability
Because
You’re another secret in my book
That I’ve got hide
  
And I’ve dedicated my life to hiding this part of me
So I’m scared
That my house of cards might come tumbling down
On my greatest high

I live in the west
but i am still in pain
trapped, tormented and scarred

I live in the west
cushioned and protected

So i decided to **** myself up
Because I live in the West
Because I am privileged enough to go to war with myself

and what is life for me?
i don't know yet

i guess i've always known what it could be
i just haven't decided

i am grey
and as for black and white, they always tango around me
battling for dominance
but they forget
that the tango isn't that kind of dance

they throw each other around
instead of moving in harmony

but i am harmony
i am the perfect balance that exists between them

they ignore me
and they will keep going until they self destruct
so i'll watch them from the shadows
until i fade away...until i am nothing but a whisper on their lips

if not now, then when?

My memories are all I have and I can feel them fading
Unravelling
Slowly dissipating .. the silt of my emotions slipping into realms unknown

looking at life through a lens is as close as i'll ever get to home

it's getting closer
-
it's almost time for me to finish another chapter in my life
-
i lost myself and found her all over again
but i'm not allowed to hold onto her forever
-
it's almost time to let her go and become a new me all over again
-
she's supposed to be better...shinier
-
i don't have much to complain about i guess so i'll say bye to her in a couple of weeks

we're stuck trying to find a balance between passion and lust
well i am anyway
i'm consumed by desire
i need more
even though i know it's dangerous

I should protect myself

I can't help it
I can't help it
i'm weak
a slave to my desires
i'll **** us up if that's what it takes to get to my sweet release

i'm selfish and the devil inside me needs feeding

schoolbooks always thrown on the floor while i explore another world for a few hours

how did i just walk away?
I always looked back though, every time

I miss you
I miss us

I'm numb right now
and all i want to do is run to you
because I know you'll be there for me in every perfect way

you're always there
It's just me that never existed

I always leave without a warning
and come back when you find peace
just to rock your world one last time

Wherever you are, our stories will always be with you...even if I am not

Like a moth to flame
My desires cling to me like I am the only sinner left in the world
I never sold my soul
I never wanted to
I just dipped my fingers into that pool of darkness
And one day the stains started to appear

-
My soul is stained
My heart is tainted
My mind is a beautiful place but there are shadows lurking in the hallways of my minds palace
And I cannot dispute the fact that they scare me
They scare you too

-
I am taken over
Now they live in my person suit

-

Somewhere along the way I got really lost

-
So you don’t know me
I’m just a cover for what truly lies within
In the dark of the night
And in the silence of the day
You’ll see what’s inside of me
-
There’s really not much left of me
but I assure you, whatever scraps lay scattered inside of me, they are human

It hurts to breathe
but it's so delicious
this toxic feeling is indescribable
but i want to keep chasing it
it feels so good


but i don't want to remember that day

Love me like you love my words

those eyes haunt me
one day i might slip into the cracks of your old weathered skin
and never stumble out again

i'm safe for now
but i can't shake this attraction

is it attraction? or is it self destruction?

I'm scared
i'm so scared

I'm a scared little girl

I may have grown up but inside I'm still a scared little girl

I MAY BE ON THE CUSP OF ADULTHOOD BUT I AM A SCARED LITTLE GIRL, I'M AFRAID OF MYSELF, OF LIFE, OF DEATH, OF THE WORLD AND EVERYONE AROUND ME, MY THOUGHTS, MY BEING, THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS

im scared
and the little girl inside me always had to hide away
silenced in my haste to grow up
the haste of everyone wanting me to grow up
and live far beyond my years
and now that everything is said and done
and the damage is done
and the damage is done
all she wants to do is be a little girl
and she just wants the world to be a little kinder
maybe a little more softer on her

I want the world to see her for what she is

just a ******* the cusp of adulthood
not a woman\don't treat me like a woman just yet

but they never do
they never did

they wanted her to be in their world
where everyone was so much older than her
they shirked their responsibly towards her

and she learnt too much about the world too early


"it's a dark place out there kid, be careful, don't come around here again"

that's all they had to say
THAT'S ALL YOU HAD TO SAY

but never mind
never mind
never mind
NEVER MIND
NEVER MIND]NEVER MIND
NEVER MIND NEVER MIND NEVER MIND

i love the way eyes shine
so bright
even when they shine with tears
it's so cute

i get lost in my eyes
so chocolatey and bright

if only distance worked
i would put a thousand oceans between us
but i learnt a long time ago running away from your problems never works
even if i'm staring out into no mans land
i'll know i'm really not alone
you'll be there to haunt me

and in a sick world full of a romantic poetry
maybe that would be seen as something good

but in this sick world where it's hard to be lonely
i have to beg for solitude
so that i never have to hear a loud noise again

surprisingly I'm back for more
i have nothing to write today though
im in a good mood

dancing feeds the soul
and good music

it corrupts your heart too
so be careful
-
i'll keep smiling though

**** this ****  man
there's no emotion in words that are written down
it's monotone
black and white
with no grey areas

he gives me life when he breathes so heavy right into my neck

the old me no longer impresses me anymore

Loneliness, that vast silhouette of love, rose up around us like a hedge maze