the highs of mania and the lows of depression are harder to ride as time goes on
especially when I can't find any answers
especially when I can't understand myself or the world around me
-
suffocating on my emptiness
I walk around
yet I am nowhere to be found

she lives in shades of pink
cute as a button
but hot on your lips

just a little something to take the edge off

if it hurts to breathe, just know you're about to live for the first time

I can’t give in
I’ve gotta stay away
You’re a liability
Because
You’re another secret in my book
That I’ve got hide
  
And I’ve dedicated my life to hiding this part of me
So I’m scared
That my house of cards might come tumbling down
On my greatest high

His eyes are shutting, his mind is spacing out and his body is shivering.
These tremors are no joke and they all seemed to lose hope when his eyes rolled back and he slowly started to fade away.
But nothing is as it seems, funnily enough this was really no overdose, just a man who lost hope in the moment...just like you.
So at night when you sit and ponder, spare a thought for him and lose yourself in wonder...that is before you go under,
and it's too late to repent.

i've reached rock bottom,
i think i need a little help getting out
but i don't have a single soul that could help me

i should stop wallowing
i mean, what's the point of crying over loneliness when i could piece myself back together
that would mean i don't need a single soul....
right?
i could live in piece(s) with myself and 9 others who go by the same name but could never resemble me.

and what is life for me?
i don't know yet

i guess i've always known what it could be
i just haven't decided

we would never lay a finger on eachother
but we still wake up with bruises
i mean just the other night
i found the pattern of your ring embossed in my skin
but i'll swear to it, i am whole and have never been hit

there are cuts on my back,
deep scars in my gut,
but i have never been hit

there are stab wounds in my heart
but i swear I have only ever been stabbed in the back

the list goes on but i'm still baffled
why is my body so broken
why does my heart cry
why does my brain deceive me

people have hurt me with their words but i thought my body was stronger than that
i thought i was stronger than that
i thought i was impenetrable
i thought i was wearing armour

did it fall out along the way? was it just aluminium foil instead of titanium steel?

did i do this to myself?
are my questions hurting me?
who is hurting me?
do i deserve this?
should i fight back?

I thought i was fighting...
I'll try to keep going
but just a warning
i might give up
but i'll try for you

where are you now?.....what are you doing?

i miss being able to sleep
but my heart hurts when i'm not chasing the night

Like a moth to flame
My desires cling to me like I am the only sinner left in the world
I never sold my soul
I never wanted to
I just dipped my fingers into that pool of darkness
And one day the stains started to appear

-
My soul is stained
My heart is tainted
My mind is a beautiful place but there are shadows lurking in the hallways of my minds palace
And I cannot dispute the fact that they scare me
They scare you too

-
I am taken over
Now they live in my person suit

-

Somewhere along the way I got really lost

-
So you don’t know me
I’m just a cover for what truly lies within
In the dark of the night
And in the silence of the day
You’ll see what’s inside of me
-
There’s really not much left of me
but I assure you, whatever scraps lay scattered inside of me, they are human

once again it's silent
i can feel my steady heartbeat
and life is simple

rage just consumes me like a poor beggar on the street who hasn't eaten in years

I’m
Hurting inside

looking at life through a lens is as close as i'll ever get to home

I fell out of love with myself
from a manic infatuation...now i can't even look in the mirror
I am my enemy
I am everything I hate

I used to be my world
but i stumbled into this unknown rocky terrain and I guess it just changed me

I am no longer me

Who am I?

I wish I could love Myself

if not now, then when?

A human does the tango with desire and gives the most disgusting performance of a lifetime

i am grey
and as for black and white, they always tango around me
battling for dominance
but they forget
that the tango isn't that kind of dance

they throw each other around
instead of moving in harmony

but i am harmony
i am the perfect balance that exists between them

they ignore me
and they will keep going until they self destruct
so i'll watch them from the shadows
until i fade away...until i am nothing but a whisper on their lips

Say it's me that you adore

help me
help me to find my colours again
i need help

the hardest thing about growing up is not knowing what you mean when you say you're tired

the way you look at me makes me shiver
it's so delicious
i can taste it on my pretty pink tongue

Wherever you are, our stories will always be with you...even if I am not

we're stuck trying to find a balance between passion and lust
well i am anyway
i'm consumed by desire
i need more
even though i know it's dangerous

I should protect myself

I can't help it
I can't help it
i'm weak
a slave to my desires
i'll **** us up if that's what it takes to get to my sweet release

i'm selfish and the devil inside me needs feeding

It hurts to breathe
but it's so delicious
this toxic feeling is indescribable
but i want to keep chasing it
it feels so good


but i don't want to remember that day

I'm scared
i'm so scared

I'm a scared little girl

I may have grown up but inside I'm still a scared little girl

I MAY BE ON THE CUSP OF ADULTHOOD BUT I AM A SCARED LITTLE GIRL, I'M AFRAID OF MYSELF, OF LIFE, OF DEATH, OF THE WORLD AND EVERYONE AROUND ME, MY THOUGHTS, MY BEING, THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS

im scared
and the little girl inside me always had to hide away
silenced in my haste to grow up
the haste of everyone wanting me to grow up
and live far beyond my years
and now that everything is said and done
and the damage is done
and the damage is done
all she wants to do is be a little girl
and she just wants the world to be a little kinder
maybe a little more softer on her

I want the world to see her for what she is

just a ******* the cusp of adulthood
not a woman\don't treat me like a woman just yet

but they never do
they never did

they wanted her to be in their world
where everyone was so much older than her
they shirked their responsibly towards her

and she learnt too much about the world too early


"it's a dark place out there kid, be careful, don't come around here again"

that's all they had to say
THAT'S ALL YOU HAD TO SAY

but never mind
never mind
never mind
NEVER MIND
NEVER MIND]NEVER MIND
NEVER MIND NEVER MIND NEVER MIND

surprisingly I'm back for more
i have nothing to write today though
im in a good mood

dancing feeds the soul
and good music

it corrupts your heart too
so be careful
-
i'll keep smiling though

you once told me that I make you feel the most alive
but that i have an amazing ability to make you feel really alone
-

I understand now

i love the way eyes shine
so bright
even when they shine with tears
it's so cute

i get lost in my eyes
so chocolatey and bright

it's getting closer
-
it's almost time for me to finish another chapter in my life
-
i lost myself and found her all over again
but i'm not allowed to hold onto her forever
-
it's almost time to let her go and become a new me all over again
-
she's supposed to be better...shinier
-
i don't have much to complain about i guess so i'll say bye to her in a couple of weeks

Desire will set you on fire
And we’ll all perish
Whilst you burn brighter than ever

those eyes haunt me
one day i might slip into the cracks of your old weathered skin
and never stumble out again

i'm safe for now
but i can't shake this attraction

is it attraction? or is it self destruction?

Love me like you love my words

The feeling of my hand around my neck is so familiar to me
Like a mother’s touch

-
My nails scratch the surface of my tight skin
And they move back and forth, pacing gently
They wait so patiently

if only distance worked
i would put a thousand oceans between us
but i learnt a long time ago running away from your problems never works
even if i'm staring out into no mans land
i'll know i'm really not alone
you'll be there to haunt me

and in a sick world full of a romantic poetry
maybe that would be seen as something good

but in this sick world where it's hard to be lonely
i have to beg for solitude
so that i never have to hear a loud noise again

Loneliness, that vast silhouette of love, rose up around us like a hedge maze

how did i just walk away?
I always looked back though, every time

I miss you
I miss us

I'm numb right now
and all i want to do is run to you
because I know you'll be there for me in every perfect way

you're always there
It's just me that never existed

I always leave without a warning
and come back when you find peace
just to rock your world one last time

we tried that old trick
where you seal a crack with gold

you're lying to yourself
it doesn't look pretty

you're lying to yourself
it will never last

so maybe it's time to shatter things into pieces
and go our separate ways




p.s it's funny how you all will still believe that sometimes things have to fall apart to come together again. Think again, those pieces will get swept up and discarded in a lonesome and destructive landfill site. Get real before life forces you to...

did i do all of this for you..or did i bleed for myself?
was it pointless?
did bloodlust really leave me that blinded

feral, driven and desperate?

I should feel ashamed
but it just feels so good to bleed

but i do
i feel
i feel everything

it's so strong
when it washes over me
it consumes me

It's always 3am
just waiting for something to happen
just waiting to feel something
It's always 3am

not 4am or 5am
it's always 3am

like word ***** it all comes bursting out of me

i hit these keys so aggressively
like my hands are running
running
running from something
but i don't know what

the most intense poetry you will ever write comes from the words that never get published and instead get erased by your blinking cursor
yeah that's right...beauty gone in the blink of a cursor

It's what you really want to say
it just never made the cut

maybe this is why we're all numb
because our real feelings never make the cut

we chop and erase and blend things to fit our sick agendas
but then again I guess this is me just stating the obvious

to be by your side
is such a lovely place to cry

I used to love talking to you at night when you were in your study
even though we were miles away and I wasn't there it felt like our special place
because you spent all night there talking to me
bridging the gap whilst you were away
and you would tell me so many stories
and find old things in the drawer of your desk
-
and on the other side of the world I was in my childhood bedroom
whispering so my parents couldn't hear
but let's face it, I was always loud
and somehow never got caught
I guess because it was the summer holiday, they knew I didn't have to think about school just yet

I wish she was alive
but I fear that her energy would not be so great

-
sometimes I can feel it waning
and I start to think that she is slowly gaining life

--
I know that it scares her
because she starts to feel more ordinary
life looks grey
and beauty is a rare concept

---
she is alive

I'm coming back but for something different this time
I'm still me....but I want more

What do I want?

I'll let time tell you that