i am grey
and as for black and white, they always tango around me
battling for dominance
but they forget
that the tango isn't that kind of dance

they throw each other around
instead of moving in harmony

but i am harmony
i am the perfect balance that exists between them

they ignore me
and they will keep going until they self destruct
so i'll watch them from the shadows
until i fade away...until i am nothing but a whisper on their lips

Kids from broken homes
with broken dreams
and wishes that they could just fade away

I try to ignore it
sometimes i can't

so i lash out
and hurt everyone around me
and make them relive the pain they already live with

then we pretend
we pretend that life is okay again
for a couple of days
or if we're lucky, a whole week

you've ****** me up and i'm the only one i can blame

she emerges from the flames
she's ready

her gaze is set
and it doesn't stray

by your side at 1am
i was reluctant but i still did it

2am now i'm feeling comfortable

3am the cold air hits me and i'm excited
i move closer to you and you crush me
your bodyweight hurts in all the right ways

4am i've got you right where i want you
and ******* definitely have me

5am you refuse to admit it
you refuse to say the words aloud

5.15 we're in comfortable silence

5.17
you say it's getting late

5.19 everything went back to normal....like nothing ever happened

It's okay not to have a dream

Day after day we feel lost
wandering around
hoping, praying...wishing for a purpose
wishing for a dream
something to keep us alive
but it's okay to not have a dream
it's okay to live
to just exist
it's okay

it took a long time for me to learn this
i thought life would be empty
boring and bleak

but just because i don't have a dream
does not mean that i don't dream
never stop dreaming

stay young forever
and love yourself

but /Never mind
LIFE WILL GO ON
IT ALWAYS DOES
I HAVE NO CHOICE
BUT TO GO ON

COME WITH ME
WE CAN SURVIVE
WE CAN DO THIS
TOGETHER

take my hand
stay with me
never let go

There's a fire within me,
and I don't need someone to put it out
I need someone that will burn with me

We got different stars and stories...but why is that such a bad thing?

pure raw and unfiltered emotion

i have put my life and soul in to this piece
i dedicated my life to this
how dare you
ruin it
come in and criticise it
My life's work
what i put every fibre of my being into

like word ***** it all comes bursting out of me

i hit these keys so aggressively
like my hands are running
running
running from something
but i don't know what

There's so much beauty in sadness and grief
and in the colours black, white and grey

but today there isn't
it's sad i guess that sadness has to be misunderstood
and that these colours are seen as so negative

they are so beautiful
and comforting
and striking
and real

but life taints everything pure
it forgives no one

maybe i am life

BUT I DON'T WANT THE HELP
I NEED TO DO THIS MYSELF
I HAVE IT IN ME TO LOVE MYSELF

NO ONE CAN HELP ME
I'M ALONE AND I LOVE IT
I'M ALONE IN THIS STRUGGLE AND THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE

SOMEHOW I'LL REWIRE MYSELF AND TURN THE LIGHTS IN ME BACK ON
SOMEHOW I'LL FIND MY COLOUR AGAIN
SOMEHOW I'LL KEEP TRYING

JUST GIVE ME TIME
GIVE ME TIME
TO LOVE MYSELF AGAIN

help me
help me to find my colours again
i need help

I don't want to be grey
in fact i don't have to be grey
i can be LOUD
and leave a burst of colour behind me wherever I go

and now i'm grey
so so grey
i barely exist
sometimes you can't even see me
i float around
like a whisper

I exist in my mind
and sometimes in yours when it's late
when the silence gets too much

Simplicity is tainted by our foolish and selfish desire to change what is pure

Did I lose myself or did I gain you?

Just for one day
please
i just don't want to think

please
i need it to stop
i need to breathe

i need time on my own
to recover and become whole again

give me time
give me space to breathe

**** this ****  man
there's no emotion in words that are written down
it's monotone
black and white
with no grey areas

we're stuck trying to find a balance between passion and lust
well i am anyway
i'm consumed by desire
i need more
even though i know it's dangerous

I should protect myself

I can't help it
I can't help it
i'm weak
a slave to my desires
i'll **** us up if that's what it takes to get to my sweet release

i'm selfish and the devil inside me needs feeding

I fell for a man I couldn't have been with, ever
I fell for a Man I shouldn't have been with ever
polar opposites
the world was against us

I want to feel warm again
Like everything is okay

Coping with the loss of someone comes with indescribable pain
and it's sad because life will always go on

That just makes me want to hold onto the pain even more
because thats the last thing on this earth that let me know you were real and that you existed and that you were in my life.

I don't want to forget about you ever, I don't want life to go on and forget about you

But I have to let go
and it's sad
it's really sad
I can't do it
I loved you so much
How can I live and how can I cope when I'm so used to seeing you everyday
and now there's just nothing
when I wake up there's just nothing

I hate that one day you won't have existed anymore
The show will go on
It waits for no one

I don't even want to be part of this show
but like i said we all end up getting roped in somehow
-
I'll try not to forget you
I'll try so hard

how did i just walk away?
I always looked back though, every time

I miss you
I miss us

I'm numb right now
and all i want to do is run to you
because I know you'll be there for me in every perfect way

you're always there
It's just me that never existed

I always leave without a warning
and come back when you find peace
just to rock your world one last time

my favourite part of a movie is when the character who's been through a lot walks through a dimly lit city scene or a park alone just thinking about everything and music is playing in the background and it's kinda sad but at the same time they know everything is going to be okay

when you're just walking around, contemplating in such a busy public place you suddenly find yourself aware of each step you take and each breathe you take.

You can feel the cold air fill your lungs and you kind of smile at the sweet memories and you know that despite everything, those memories will keep you alive.

But the pain you feel is intense, it can blind you and suddenly you can't see where you're going anymore. Life doesn't feel real and before you know it, your heart is on your sleeve for the world to see.

i feel so ****** up every time we talk
I don't know if it's a good or bad kind of ****** up

I've found so much peace in silence
but inside it tears me apart
I have a voice
I want to use it
but my words stutter and fail

I fell out of love with myself
from a manic infatuation...now i can't even look in the mirror
I am my enemy
I am everything I hate

I used to be my world
but i stumbled into this unknown rocky terrain and I guess it just changed me

I am no longer me

Who am I?

I wish I could love Myself

Even though I knew all along

After a night of reflection I realised we have different nights and mornings

Polar opposites
we'll never be the same
we'll never see eye to eye
and i never wanted us to be the same
i never wanted to live as equals
but it hurts
it hurts to realise we'll never understand each other
each breath we take near each other is lost in translation
each thought that dares to escape our minds threatens to tear us apart
misunderstanding left us destroyed and in despair
and now all i can do is sit here
and reflect
i couldn't love myself so i tried to find love in you
but i sat
and i reflected
and i realised
we have different nights and mornings
we weren't meant to work
we never were

Did I lose myself
or did I gain you?

is this why i can't find happiness in someone else?
are you the reason why i'm so deprived?

has my heart belonged to you this whole time?
i just...I don't know

you make me feel so strongly that i can't even tell what emotion i'm feeling

every part of me is telling me to ignore you

but i don't want
I really don't want to

it's you..it's always been you

i guess i just don't have much to say anymore
because silence is just so peaceful

hold out your hand

**
close your eyes and just feel

but i do
i feel
i feel everything

it's so strong
when it washes over me
it consumes me

Falling....
it always felt so good to let go
-
it always felt so good to slip
and fall
-
it always felt so good to laugh
and pick myself back up
like it never hurt




if you don't hear from me, tell them i was falling

why is it so hard to just enjoy the moment?
to just be grateful for the life we have right now
in the midst of one success we yearn for more instead of appreciating that moment in time
it's so sad
so much time is wasted instead of being cherished

but would we be any happier if we spent more time appreciating the now?
i don't know
all i know is that it's my worst habit
my successes are short lived and unappreciated because i yearn for more

i wish i could take things slow
but it's hard when it feels like the world is always travelling faster than the speed of light

but then i think to myself why am i racing against time? or racing against this world that I know will never slow down
where does it get me?

something always feels missing from life no matter how full it may seem
i'm tired
so maybe i should slow down

looking at life through a lens is as close as i'll ever get to home

once again it's silent
i can feel my steady heartbeat
and life is simple

the way you look at me makes me shiver
it's so delicious
i can taste it on my pretty pink tongue

just **** me up
i need it so bad
to feel burning pain turn into blinding pleasure

******* ****
you charm everyone
why do you do it?
what do you want?

Love me like you love my words

To autumn,

You make me feel warm, the glowing type of warm y'know?
Not as warm as I feel in winter though
Nothing compares to the harsh heat of winter
It's a delicious kind of heat that burns our throats
It's a heat you can feel inside of you because you need the heat so much...i know you do
So autumn even though your heat is short lived I'll still welcome you with open arms, and love you like you deserve to be loved
but just know i'll always be faithful to winter,
it was my first love after all

so smile...what else can we do?

trying to stay optimistic is hard
why can't i just let my anxiety eat me alive?
-
but i fight it
because i can't let myself take the easy way out
God it's so hard
-


I'm so excited though
for change
not just any change...the change i've been thirsting after for years
but i let self doubt ruin it
-
i get confused
am i confident or not?
-
regardless of my confidence I suppose the show has to go on
i'm sure i'll find myself again soon

i promise