I don't want to be grey
in fact i don't have to be grey
i can be LOUD
and leave a burst of colour behind me wherever I go

and now i'm grey
so so grey
i barely exist
sometimes you can't even see me
i float around
like a whisper

I exist in my mind
and sometimes in yours when it's late
when the silence gets too much

Simplicity is tainted by our foolish and selfish desire to change what is pure

Did I lose myself or did I gain you?

Just for one day
please
i just don't want to think

please
i need it to stop
i need to breathe

i need time on my own
to recover and become whole again

give me time
give me space to breathe

**** this ****  man
there's no emotion in words that are written down
it's monotone
black and white
with no grey areas

we're stuck trying to find a balance between passion and lust
well i am anyway
i'm consumed by desire
i need more
even though i know it's dangerous

I should protect myself

I can't help it
I can't help it
i'm weak
a slave to my desires
i'll **** us up if that's what it takes to get to my sweet release

i'm selfish and the devil inside me needs feeding

I fell for a man I couldn't have been with, ever
I fell for a Man I shouldn't have been with ever
polar opposites
the world was against us

I want to feel warm again
Like everything is okay

Coping with the loss of someone comes with indescribable pain
and it's sad because life will always go on

That just makes me want to hold onto the pain even more
because thats the last thing on this earth that let me know you were real and that you existed and that you were in my life.

I don't want to forget about you ever, I don't want life to go on and forget about you

But I have to let go
and it's sad
it's really sad
I can't do it
I loved you so much
How can I live and how can I cope when I'm so used to seeing you everyday
and now there's just nothing
when I wake up there's just nothing

I hate that one day you won't have existed anymore
The show will go on
It waits for no one

I don't even want to be part of this show
but like i said we all end up getting roped in somehow
-
I'll try not to forget you
I'll try so hard

how did i just walk away?
I always looked back though, every time

I miss you
I miss us

I'm numb right now
and all i want to do is run to you
because I know you'll be there for me in every perfect way

you're always there
It's just me that never existed

I always leave without a warning
and come back when you find peace
just to rock your world one last time

my favourite part of a movie is when the character who's been through a lot walks through a dimly lit city scene or a park alone just thinking about everything and music is playing in the background and it's kinda sad but at the same time they know everything is going to be okay

when you're just walking around, contemplating in such a busy public place you suddenly find yourself aware of each step you take and each breathe you take.

You can feel the cold air fill your lungs and you kind of smile at the sweet memories and you know that despite everything, those memories will keep you alive.

But the pain you feel is intense, it can blind you and suddenly you can't see where you're going anymore. Life doesn't feel real and before you know it, your heart is on your sleeve for the world to see.

i feel so ****** up every time we talk
I don't know if it's a good or bad kind of ****** up

I've found so much peace in silence
but inside it tears me apart
I have a voice
I want to use it
but my words stutter and fail

I fell out of love with myself
from a manic infatuation...now i can't even look in the mirror
I am my enemy
I am everything I hate

I used to be my world
but i stumbled into this unknown rocky terrain and I guess it just changed me

I am no longer me

Who am I?

I wish I could love Myself

Even though I knew all along

After a night of reflection I realised we have different nights and mornings

Polar opposites
we'll never be the same
we'll never see eye to eye
and i never wanted us to be the same
i never wanted to live as equals
but it hurts
it hurts to realise we'll never understand each other
each breath we take near each other is lost in translation
each thought that dares to escape our minds threatens to tear us apart
misunderstanding left us destroyed and in despair
and now all i can do is sit here
and reflect
i couldn't love myself so i tried to find love in you
but i sat
and i reflected
and i realised
we have different nights and mornings
we weren't meant to work
we never were

Did I lose myself
or did I gain you?

is this why i can't find happiness in someone else?
are you the reason why i'm so deprived?

has my heart belonged to you this whole time?
i just...I don't know

you make me feel so strongly that i can't even tell what emotion i'm feeling

every part of me is telling me to ignore you

but i don't want
I really don't want to

it's you..it's always been you

i guess i just don't have much to say anymore
because silence is just so peaceful

hold out your hand

**
close your eyes and just feel

but i do
i feel
i feel everything

it's so strong
when it washes over me
it consumes me

Falling....
it always felt so good to let go
-
it always felt so good to slip
and fall
-
it always felt so good to laugh
and pick myself back up
like it never hurt




if you don't hear from me, tell them i was falling

why is it so hard to just enjoy the moment?
to just be grateful for the life we have right now
in the midst of one success we yearn for more instead of appreciating that moment in time
it's so sad
so much time is wasted instead of being cherished

but would we be any happier if we spent more time appreciating the now?
i don't know
all i know is that it's my worst habit
my successes are short lived and unappreciated because i yearn for more

i wish i could take things slow
but it's hard when it feels like the world is always travelling faster than the speed of light

but then i think to myself why am i racing against time? or racing against this world that I know will never slow down
where does it get me?

something always feels missing from life no matter how full it may seem
i'm tired
so maybe i should slow down

looking at life through a lens is as close as i'll ever get to home

once again it's silent
i can feel my steady heartbeat
and life is simple

the way you look at me makes me shiver
it's so delicious
i can taste it on my pretty pink tongue

just **** me up
i need it so bad
to feel burning pain turn into blinding pleasure

******* ****
you charm everyone
why do you do it?
what do you want?

Love me like you love my words

To autumn,

You make me feel warm, the glowing type of warm y'know?
Not as warm as I feel in winter though
Nothing compares to the harsh heat of winter
It's a delicious kind of heat that burns our throats
It's a heat you can feel inside of you because you need the heat so much...i know you do
So autumn even though your heat is short lived I'll still welcome you with open arms, and love you like you deserve to be loved
but just know i'll always be faithful to winter,
it was my first love after all

so smile...what else can we do?

trying to stay optimistic is hard
why can't i just let my anxiety eat me alive?
-
but i fight it
because i can't let myself take the easy way out
God it's so hard
-


I'm so excited though
for change
not just any change...the change i've been thirsting after for years
but i let self doubt ruin it
-
i get confused
am i confident or not?
-
regardless of my confidence I suppose the show has to go on
i'm sure i'll find myself again soon

i promise

i've decided i want the new me
i don't have to forget about the old me just to create a new person
i can just make the old me even better
it'll take some work
but i know it will be so worth it

it's getting closer
-
it's almost time for me to finish another chapter in my life
-
i lost myself and found her all over again
but i'm not allowed to hold onto her forever
-
it's almost time to let her go and become a new me all over again
-
she's supposed to be better...shinier
-
i don't have much to complain about i guess so i'll say bye to her in a couple of weeks

i love it when i can't breathe
-
those moments spent trying to breathe are electrifying
they make me feel alive when i forget that i already am

where are you now?.....what are you doing?

long lost lover and soulmate
we never got close enough to touch
but you marked me forever
-
i still think of you
it fills me with guilt
and just when i think of reaching out
to taste you once more
i feel apprehensive
-
i sigh with longing
-
i wish we could live how we always said we would
but all i can do
is wait for someone purer

We always betray ourselves

it hurts like a ***** it really does
but i persevere and bring the light back into my eyes
to shine bright for myself so i never lose my way

but i'd miss you
and as cliche as it sounds
i'd cross those oceans even if it meant i dissolved in them somewhere along the way
and thats the sad reality of life

if only distance worked
i would put a thousand oceans between us
but i learnt a long time ago running away from your problems never works
even if i'm staring out into no mans land
i'll know i'm really not alone
you'll be there to haunt me

and in a sick world full of a romantic poetry
maybe that would be seen as something good

but in this sick world where it's hard to be lonely
i have to beg for solitude
so that i never have to hear a loud noise again

rage just consumes me like a poor beggar on the street who hasn't eaten in years

i wasn't thinking about you
until you told me to

it's the truth
and i know it hurts

but there's so much beauty in pain
so i envy you

i wish you could me hurt the way i hurt you

grey rooms and pink thoughts
if i believe in my thoughts
maybe i could paint this room pink forever

just for me
and i could visit this room forever

i love the way eyes shine
so bright
even when they shine with tears
it's so cute

i get lost in my eyes
so chocolatey and bright

surprisingly I'm back for more
i have nothing to write today though
im in a good mood

dancing feeds the soul
and good music

it corrupts your heart too
so be careful
-
i'll keep smiling though